Does marriage kill passion???

[dlrj15]

Poor communication and unrealistic expectations kill passion. Expecting your partner to be the only one to keep the passion alive is another.

[GreenEyedLady]

Maybe when it comes right down to it, what each of us needs to do is keep passion in our lives. period. exclamation point. If we lose passion for what we do, if we are no longer interested in living and learning and changing, then we are also no longer interesting to each other.

 

No passion for life leads to no passion in life or in our relationships be they married or not.

 

I think you may have hit the nail on the head.

[OWoman]

Just marry someone who shares your same values:).

 

I think that's the crux of any successful R!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I've read a few of your post. I think you have many good ideas on how to make a marriage work. Just marry someone who shares your same values:).

 

The problem I am finding is that most of those women are few and far between.

 

 

DNR

[Owl]

Before I answer the question...define "passion".

 

Is it the same as sex? Is it emotional sex? Is it an emotion on its own? What is the definition of "passion" that you're using here?

 

Most of the responses I've seen so far in this thread seemed centered around sexual fulfillment as a definition for passion.

 

I've seen people clearly demonstrate that the two are not the same, in that sex without emotion isn't passion. So is it possible that the definition of passion doesn't have anything to do with sex? Can you have passion in/for a relationship without sex?

[angie2443]

The problem I am finding is that most of those women are few and far between.

 

 

DNR

 

They are not few and far between! You know, it might be that the type of woman you are attracted to and/or confortable with, is not the type that shares your values. I may be way off base, I don't know you or your situation. I've just noticed, with many good guys, that they are attracted to women that are either not ready to settle down or who don't have a good set of values for relationships. Some of this has to do with the hero complex that a lot of guys have. They see some woman who has a lot of issues and they want to save her. It often doesnt' work out because a person can't be saved untill they want to save themselves. Anyways, I don't know if any of this applies to you, just know it applies to a lot of guys.

[silktricks]

Before I answer the question...define "passion".

 

Is it the same as sex? Is it emotional sex? Is it an emotion on its own? What is the definition of "passion" that you're using here?

 

Most of the responses I've seen so far in this thread seemed centered around sexual fulfillment as a definition for passion.

 

I've seen people clearly demonstrate that the two are not the same, in that sex without emotion isn't passion. So is it possible that the definition of passion doesn't have anything to do with sex? Can you have passion in/for a relationship without sex?

 

Hmmmm - good question Owl (as always) . I hadn't really thought about defining what I meant by passion when I phrased the question.

 

It's not the same as sex, as it's exceeding easy to have sex without passion! It is, of course, quite possible to have passion without sex as well.

 

However, I was definitely thinking of fervent (passionate including sexual) feelings between two people in a marriage when I asked the question, and it seems that was what most people understood the question to frame as well. So, let's leave it at that.

[Owl]

Cool...thanks for the clarification, Silk. Given that reference, I'll give my opinion.

 

I'm about to shock people I think.

 

I think that marriage...as a long term relationship...does kill passion.

 

While people are still reeling from hearing that from me, I'll go on.

 

I do think that being with the same person for years definitely changes the way passion (as in exciting sex) is felt throughout the relationship.

 

I've been married 20 years. Making love to my wife doesn't have the same response now as it did when we first met. Back then, the excitement of learning each other...physically, emotionally, mentally...was a HUGE part of the passion. Exploration, the "newness" of it all, the "fight or flight" that you feel when you're with someone the first few times....it all does wear off over time.

 

I'd imagine that if something happened and I DID go with someone different, a lot of that would be present in that 'relationship'. Its part of the new/exciting thing.

 

Passion is different in my marriage. I know her like NO ONE else does. I know what she likes, what works, what doesn't, etc... And she's the same with me. There's still a lot of LOVE in what we do...but often less overall EXCITEMENT. Sometimes, you still get the off the charts/rocks your socks thing...but not nearly as often as when we were both younger and less familiar with each other.

 

Does that mean I CRAVE the passion of being with a new person? No. I don't feel like I'm 'missing out' on anything...I'm where I want to be...where I've chosen to be.

 

Make sense?

[angie2443]

I read of a study a while back that showed that you can get the same kind of exciting feelings as you do when just starting a relationship by doing dangerous/exciting activities with your partner. Doing these activities together, so the study said, creates the same kinds of feelings in the partners as when the partners first hooked up. It makes sense to me. Much of the excitement in a new relationship really is about the uncertainty of it. It isn't really stable yet and it is kind of scary, kind of like sky diving, or race car driving I suppose. THe problem is getting your partner to do these crazy things with you. I never had any luck with my husband.

[Cliche]

It was posed in another thread that marriage kills the passion in a relationship. What do you think? If you believe it does kill the passion, do you intend to marry the MM you are with and why?

No, marriage does not kill passion. Passion is killed by a realization that you're in a situation you didn't expect to be in and then, you realize you don't want to be in it. You know, when people get married there is all this talk about two turning into one. And then when one or both parties find out they are still two, they don't know how to work as a partnership anymore because they've been under the impression they were a unit. If they can't work back into a loving partnership where two people are two people who want to live their lives together, then their expectations won't get met and the passion will die.

 

Do I intend to marry MM? Most likely, yes. We talk about it some. But I'm not in any rush. I don't have a fantasylike vision of marriage. I know it is mostly a legal, contractual relationship and it has it's place in my life. But it is not necessary to show our committment to one another. We do that with our love and respect.

[Meaplus3]

It was posed in another thread that marriage kills the passion in a relationship. What do you think? If you believe it does kill the passion, do you intend to marry the MM you are with and why?

 

 

Does marriage kill passion? NO. I think what kills passion in a marriage is a break down of communication and a general overall lack of respect for your SO. I can't answer the second part of your question because I am not invloved with a MM.

 

AP:)

[Lookingforward]

As a scorpio I tend to be passionate about most things, not just sex. This does get me into trouble now and then I admit

 

I'm quite capable of overwhelming a lesser soul with my passion be it for cooking, politics, sex, you name it LOL

 

It's very rare that I do anything by halves

[Dark-N-Romantic]

They are not few and far between! You know, it might be that the type of woman you are attracted to and/or confortable with, is not the type that shares your values.

 

I have my profile on a few dating sites and have replied to several women who claim to share the same values. I have only got hits from scam artists (you know the ones who live have issues with family members or are stuck in locations and can't get home). And none ever reply to my emails. And I am not talking like trying hard to hit on you emails. Just simple hellos, introduction of myself, and request some extra information about something I found interesting in their profile as an icebreaker.

 

I may be way off base, I don't know you or your situation. I've just noticed, with many good guys, that they are attracted to women that are either not ready to settle down or who don't have a good set of values for relationships.

 

If I am interested in a woman I talk to her, I ask certain key questions over getting to know her. And I observe her both in my presence and if I see her around. In the case of online dating sites, I just don't take their words as gospel. I ask questions and give scenarios, etc.

 

Some of this has to do with the hero complex that a lot of guys have. They see some woman who has a lot of issues and they want to save her. It often doesnt' work out because a person can't be saved untill they want to save themselves.

 

We ALL have some issues. But, I am very cautious about which issues I can deal with and which one's I can't. And we ALL men and women have a little bit of a hero complex, and it is good within reason. If one thinks they can solve every issue and always rescue their loved one, then yes that is bad. Sometimes one has to let them be their own hero or let them deal with their own issues and downfalls, this is how we grow. Sometimes we are our partner's villain, but this is life. These are the trials of growing to be one.

 

Anyways, I don't know if any of this applies to you, just know it applies to a lot of guys.

 

I understand where you are coming from. I have my good and my bad, but so does all people. The whole trick is knowing it working to improve the good parts while overcoming the bad.

 

 

DNR

[White Flower]

I read of a study a while back that showed that you can get the same kind of exciting feelings as you do when just starting a relationship by doing dangerous/exciting activities with your partner. Doing these activities together, so the study said, creates the same kinds of feelings in the partners as when the partners first hooked up. It makes sense to me. Much of the excitement in a new relationship really is about the uncertainty of it. It isn't really stable yet and it is kind of scary, kind of like sky diving, or race car driving I suppose. THe problem is getting your partner to do these crazy things with you. I never had any luck with my husband.

I would buy this concept. STBeXH and I spiced up our sex life in the end by trying all kinds of things in all kinds of places. He just wouldn't give up his other bad habits (refer to my old threads) which eventually overrode the new fun we were having. Once the sex died (last thing to go) the M went down the tubes.

 

But for those in good Ms, I love that you brought this up.

[White Flower]

As a scorpio I tend to be passionate about most things, not just sex. This does get me into trouble now and then I admit

 

I'm quite capable of overwhelming a lesser soul with my passion be it for cooking, politics, sex, you name it LOL

 

It's very rare that I do anything by halves

Is the same true for Sagittarious'? You just described me;)

[Lyssa]

LF has also described Libras. Or maybe it's just me - I'm passionate about all things pursued! Not just sex, relationship - career, hobby, family etc - EVERYTHING!

[White Flower]

LF has also described Libras. Or maybe it's just me - I'm passionate about all things pursued! Not just sex, relationship - career, hobby, family etc - EVERYTHING!

Well, we all come right after another...Oct, Nov, and Dec. Fall babies are all passionate? I don't read up enough about astrology. Someone should start a new thread. Should be fun.

[Lookingforward]

Is the same true for Sagittarious'? You just described me;)

 

maybe you have a scorpio moon LOL

[stillafool]

I'm a Libra with my Venus in Scorpio!

[Lookingforward]

Looks like that post struck a chord

[silktricks]

I think that marriage...does kill passion.

 

I've been married 20 years. Making love to my wife doesn't have the same response now as it did when we first met. Back then, the excitement of learning each other...physically, emotionally, mentally...was a HUGE part of the passion. Exploration, the "newness" of it all, the "fight or flight" that you feel when you're with someone the first few times....it all does wear off over time.

 

 

 

So, Owl, do you really believe it is marriage that kills passion, or the mere fact of long term lovers? It sounds to me that in your opinion it's really the latter, not the former.

 

LadyJane (a badly missed former poster) used to speak of the "hysterical bonding" that would occur between husband and wife after the discovery of an affair (at least if they decided to reconcile). How do you feel that might relate that to the "excitement of learning each other" as you described above?

 

And.... do you think that this "hysterical bonding" in any way relates to the "mind blowing sex" often described by those involved in extra-marital affairs?

 

And - for anyone here who has been in a long (very long) term extra-marital affair, did that affair also experience what Owl has described?

 

So, is it marriage that "kills passion" or simply long-term relationship or is it something else? Does passion between ANY two long-term lovers become less "passionate" (as defined by sexual passion) or only between long-term exclusive lovers or only between married partners?

[SerenityX2]

And.... do you think that this "hysterical bonding" in any way relates to the "mind blowing sex" often described by those involved in extra-marital affairs?

 

I know this was not addressed back to the happily married few that responded your thread (that said passion doesn't die not that OWL isn't happily M;)) however I'd like to respond to the above.

 

My H and I do share "mind blowing sex" ...I'm not kidding and it's not the alpha and omega of the M and there's a few times that it's not "that" strong but when it is, it can take take our breath away. We've had partners in the past that provided good maybe even "great" sex...but this is way different. I've often wondered if what I see described is in fact the same. (mind blowing) We attribute ours back to our foundation.

 

It seriously transcends into something beyond the "act"...the feelings, the connection, sensations....it's unlike anything either of us have experienced. Neither of us knew something that powerful could exist. I'm not trying to be cute, it just struck me when you quoted that.

 

So IMO it's not just illicit sex that can conjure those feelings.

[silktricks]

I know this was not addressed back to the happily married few that responded your thread (that said passion doesn't die not that OWL isn't happily M;)) however I'd like to respond to the above.

 

My H and I do share "mind blowing sex" ...I'm not kidding and it's not the alpha and omega of the M and there's a few times that it's not "that" strong but when it is, it can take take our breath away. We've had partners in the past that provided good maybe even "great" sex...but this is way different. I've often wondered if what I see described is in fact the same. (mind blowing) We attribute ours back to our foundation.

 

It seriously transcends into something beyond the "act"...the feelings, the connection, sensations....it's unlike anything either of us have experienced. Neither of us knew something that powerful could exist. I'm not trying to be cute, it just struck me when you quoted that.

 

{snip}

 

So IMO it's not just illicit sex that can conjure those feelings.

 

Actually this was addressed to anyone who wanted to join in the discussion .

 

It is also my opinion that not only illicit sex conjures the passionate "mind-blowing sex" - as my husband and I also connect at this level (and we've been together for more years than even Owl and his wife ).

 

However, there is a theme often stated here by affair partners that the sex they experience in the affair is like "nothing they've ever experienced before". I wonder how much of that is due to the fact that one of the partners (the married one) is probably also having sex with another person... therefore the "hysterical bonding" between the two affair partners..???

 

but back to the original thought - as I recall, you two haven't been married very long???? Do you believe, hope, work at, keeping that level of passion in your lives? Do you think that with time the level of passion you currently experience will diminish?

[Owl]

So, Owl, do you really believe it is marriage that kills passion, or the mere fact of long term lovers? It sounds to me that in your opinion it's really the latter, not the former.

 

LadyJane (a badly missed former poster) used to speak of the "hysterical bonding" that would occur between husband and wife after the discovery of an affair (at least if they decided to reconcile). How do you feel that might relate that to the "excitement of learning each other" as you described above?

 

And.... do you think that this "hysterical bonding" in any way relates to the "mind blowing sex" often described by those involved in extra-marital affairs?

 

And - for anyone here who has been in a long (very long) term extra-marital affair, did that affair also experience what Owl has described?

 

So, is it marriage that "kills passion" or simply long-term relationship or is it something else? Does passion between ANY two long-term lovers become less "passionate" (as defined by sexual passion) or only between long-term exclusive lovers or only between married partners?

 

I don't see that it "kills the passion"...but I do see that our expectations and our need for it has reduced over the course of our marriage. Now...I'm describing things based on MY marriage...LOL...maybe my marriage is different than others. Hehehe, maybe I'm the MM who "isn't getting it at home like everyone else is"!!!

 

We went through that "hysterical bonding" at the end of my wife's affair as well. Its like a "re-learning" all over again...not only are you reaffirming your love and affection, but there's the "newness" again too...its almost like that "with a new person" sensation as well.

 

And perhaps I'm being a bit unfair in the way I'm describing things too...we have our "mind blowing" moments...just not as often as we used to. More often now, its just "satisfying". Either way, don't take it as a complaint about where I"m at in things.

[angie2443]

And.... do you think that this "hysterical bonding" in any way relates to the "mind blowing sex" often described by those involved in extra-marital affairs? ?

 

The more post I read, the more I think that the type of passion that most people are talking is really an adrenaline rush caused by bieng in an uncertain, maybe a little scary, situation. I've seen this alot in movies and have had other people confirm this. You know, the couple on screen are chasing the tornado, the tornado gos away, and they kiss passionately. Or, the couple is in a war zone, they begin to here bombs, and they kiss passionately. Or the affair couple was about to be caught by the wife/husband, and they kiss passionately after the fact.

 

In beginning relationships, there is the fear of loosing the partner or commiting to the partner and so the adreneline kicks in a little and provides for that crazy, exciting feeling. When a BS takes back their WS, there is the fear of loosing the person and the fear (I'm assuming) of keeping the person that harmed them. With the two people involved in the affair, there's the fear of bieng caught and the fear, maybe, of loosing someone.

 

I think this adreneline rush caused by the fear of the unknow, so to speak, is what this "hysterical bonding" is all about. Once people become secure in these situations (the beginning of the relationship, the affair, or the reconcilliation) the adreneline tapers off and that "passion" begines to leave.

 

Honestly, while I would like to have that kind of passion once in a while, I would not want it on a daily basis. I have a full plate right now, and would for the most part want to spend my extra engery enjoying my husband, kids, and my hobbies. This is just how I feel about it. I'm sure many feel differantly.