SerenityX2 Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Actually this was addressed to anyone who wanted to join in the discussion . It is also my opinion that not only illicit sex conjures the passionate "mind-blowing sex" - as my husband and I also connect at this level (and we've been together for more years than even Owl and his wife ). However, there is a theme often stated here by affair partners that the sex they experience in the affair is like "nothing they've ever experienced before". I wonder how much of that is due to the fact that one of the partners (the married one) is probably also having sex with another person... therefore the "hysterical bonding" between the two affair partners..??? but back to the original thought - as I recall, you two haven't been married very long???? Do you believe, hope, work at, keeping that level of passion in your lives? Do you think that with time the level of passion you currently experience will diminish? Not by society standards I guess, although I heard a new norm was 6 years and that's really sad, but to answer the q 2.5years We are older though he turned 52 in May I'll be 44 at the end of Oct. Our center is God. Sort of like a wheel, he's our center and everything we do is like spokes on that wheel. I don't bring it up that often b/c I understand that people have different beliefs, I've also been harrassed and been told I'm a Jesus freak b/c of it and therefore been shut down on anything else that I may have to say and that's a shame. One of the posters Nadia, is someone that I really respect, b/c she gets the human kindness and do unto others but she does not believe in God...so you don't have to be on the exact same value system to understand one another. Do I think it will diminish? No, (no hesitation) in part from the foundation, but our passion is for so much more, it's not just sexually exclusive. For example we have joy in the beauty of nature, the intracacies of a snowflake, the shape of the clouds on a summer day...things like that, so our passion for life's things flows into our passion for each other. One thing that was something we had to learn to navigate was arguments, and how to not let them into the bedroom. We both wanted that "don't go to bed angry." but much easier said than done. I came from an explosive past with much high drama and I'd rather have stayed single than travel that road again. He came from a "shut down" atmosphere, she refused to talk and would sit and stew until she came out of it. It was harder for me I think b/c I wanted a quick resolution, for it to be over, and move on. I didn't want to think about it going into a discussion for the next day, plus I thought what if it got swept under the rug? Well it doesn't, we learned to shelve things if it "starts" to get heated (we recognize the signs it's heading there, it's not that hard, but it takes practice) but we figure if each other is the person we professed to love ...why on earth would we want to hurt the other? The answer of course is we don't...so we learned "fair fighting" I guess as it's called and it does work, and it's strenghtend our communication bond. Life is far too short to look back one day and maybe have to think "should have spent more time loving and less time sparring" perhaps that a wisdom w/age thing. Communication is the key, we don't play mind games, we never have to guess what the other is thinking. If you can't be honest and get honest answers from your partner, or worse your "afraid" to ask this or that then why on earth marry that person? That amazes me on message boards, things asked like "what is he really thinking?" WHAT??? why are you with someone if you can't ask THEM? We don't consider it work, but more like constant nurturing. How we keep the spark, is we stay playful. We have PDA but not for others...we're in our own little world. If we're out at our neighborhood bar, I will sit with a leg draped on his(unless in a skirt ) or my foot crossed over my thigh but resting on his leg (how's that for painting a visual lol) and he will massage or stroke. I learned when we go to a restaraunt that has large booths we are considered "sss" (same side seated) never knew that term existed, but yes we like to be close. We love the rain and finding that secluded spot (why should those things be for illicit acts only?) We don't put on a show for DS but he sees us kissing (if it's one of those "drop me baby" kisses then we'll stop ) He sees us snuggling he even knows we'll go into to shower together. We don't think there's anything wrong with kids understanding that parents have that incredible bond within a M. One of the coolest things we will do is drive each other wild when we have to be someplace else (either we're leaving or entertaining at home) we'll go to the bedroom for awhile...teasing each other and even starting IC but not finishing, so when you go back to your guests or go out or whatever...you "know" what's coming later so you have all sorts of heated glances, whispers, carresses, a brush of the arm...it really keeps the spark alive. Some people feel that's unnecessary and maybe even crude if you are married, but that's what gets lost on us. You have to admit a good many of these affairs start b/c something may die out...well if it never gets the chance to die out....sort of like stoking that fire, many similarities actually, need more wood (haha) constant tending...you get the idea. Anyway perhaps if more people would just try to rekindle what's in their own backyard, instead of looking for it in someone else's yard....You can't expect passion to stay alive just b/c you fell in love once, but like I said it's rather effortless for us, b/c it's so pleasurable. Sure we like to do long candlelit massages, but not always possible, but it takes little planning to do the dishes and get soapy and wet even if it lead to just the closeness...not everything has to lead to IC although as we've admitted we rarely can just let stop at snuggling it's our wiring or something. We know a couple that have been married 47 years. That's the true rarity. We watched them dance to a Sinatra tune and it broght tears to our eyes the love that one another so clearly still has. They've had their rough times (financial, kids, health the usual stuff) but they weathered that storm "together" b/c they believed in the commitment they made to each other. Today's society is very much disposable. True there are some divorces that should happen (our prev M's as an example) but many times it's just boredom and unrealistic expectations that take over so people are looking for that ongoing high, but they will always be disappointed in the end, b/c they are searching for that "in" another person but happy comes from within first then is enhanced by another. My husband told me that his grandfather was well into his 90's and he can still remember him chasing his grandmother around the table, he says that's "him":laugh: So no, I don't see it dying...you get what you put into it. I hope that shed some light on our situation, thanks for asking Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 One of the coolest things we will do is drive each other wild when we have to be someplace else (either we're leaving or entertaining at home) we'll go to the bedroom for awhile...teasing each other and even starting IC but not finishing, so when you go back to your guests or go out or whatever...you "know" what's coming later so you have all sorts of heated glances, whispers, carresses, a brush of the arm...it really keeps the spark alive. Some people feel that's unnecessary and maybe even crude if you are married, but that's what gets lost on us. I think that's awesome, not crude. Good for you. We know a couple that have been married 47 years. That's the true rarity. We watched them dance to a Sinatra tune and it broght tears to our eyes the love that one another so clearly still has. They've had their rough times (financial, kids, health the usual stuff) but they weathered that storm "together" b/c they believed in the commitment they made to each other. I know a couple like that, as well (though it is 40 years, not yet 47). When they met, they were both married to other people. Their R started out as an A. I still think their marriage is beautiful, even knowing the history of it. Link to post Share on other sites
SerenityX2 Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 As if I didn't write enough:p I do agree with Angies analogy, and that's the other thing. I mentioned before but maybe not clear, both my husband and I are passionate people by nature. (the nature thing that I mentioned) but also he loves his job, I now love and am passionate about nursing. We are passionate about causes, I'm passionate about women getting out of abusive situations, we love ethnic cooking...we're passionate about our kids, we are most defintiely passionate about our Lord. The difference is we're not an "up in the sky, on top of the world" rush...it's very grounded and we've experienced the former so there's a huge difference between true passion and an adrenaline kick. Our former spouses were thrill seekers aka adrenline junkies. They go on to have multiple affairs to recapture that rush that Angie speaks of. My husband and I have a passion for all things and always did, although our matching is electric on some levels, it's very much grounded, surrounded by a peace if you will and that's something that's very, very different. We have no desire for others, no desire for something new in someone else, we're very much on the same page of infidelity is a deal breaker, but neither of us would ever want to jeapordize this tremendous gift we've been given in each other. So IMO there's a big difference between passion and a rush that gives you a high, one is much more long lasting and rooted to who you are IME. I've met people that thought passion = hot sex and that's just very simplistic...true passion hearted people understand that fundamental difference...but I understand many perhaps too many people operate on that misguided notion that passion = hot in bed, that's just one aspect of a very complicated fueling mechanism. Link to post Share on other sites
Author silktricks Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 I don't see that it "kills the passion"...but I do see that our expectations and our need for it has reduced over the course of our marriage. Now...I'm describing things based on MY marriage... But - do you think the expectation and need has been reduced due to marriage - or due to the long-term relationship? Would your situation be identical had you never married but rather simply cohabited? Is MARRIAGE truly what you believe reduces the "spark"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author silktricks Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 I hope that shed some light on our situation, thanks for asking It sounds like you two have a wonderful relationship. I love hearing the happy stories ! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 OK, I get your question now...sorry for missing it earlier. No, its not "marriage" that does it. The long term relationship is what does it. Marriage is just the formal name for that long term commitment to the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 does hitting an erring spouse over the head with a skillet count as passion ? Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 does hitting an erring spouse over the head with a skillet count as passion ? Many would say it does. Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 Ronni I don't see those as contradictory - nor even antithetical. Unless one, or both, of the parties stagnates - and I guess that's a very real risk in any R which gets too comfortable - there will always be growth and change, always new mystery to be plumbed and fathomed and explored, leading to ever-greater mystery. I think it's at the point where we think we fully know our partner, where we imagine we can anticipate their thoughts or desires, that the passion starts wilting - either because we're wrong, and relying on our own assumptions rather than doing the plumbing and fathoming and exploring, or because we're right and we've reached the bottom of what's there to be uncovered. In which case, IMO, game over - you've solved the puzzle, there are no further levels to reach, record your score and move on. But that's by no means inevitable - and if stagnation happening, that should be a wake up call all round unless you want to live out your days on Prozac and tepid cups of tea. I see the value in the mystery and intimacy argument, but I agree with OW. Making an effort to spice things up, plan surprises, and other methods of providing variety can keep the relationship interesting. Another factor to consider is the chase. You may not know everything you need to know about your partner, but you know one thing: You two are together for life! Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 does hitting an erring spouse over the head with a skillet count as passion ? I believe it does. What about offing a CS; isn't that called a passion murder? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 does hitting an erring spouse over the head with a skillet count as passion ? I thought that was foreplay, in some countries? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 I thought that was foreplay, in some countries? not if you use a woodchipper after (ask owl) Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 does hitting an erring spouse over the head with a skillet count as passion ? I think it is only foreplay if you aim at the a$$ Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 not if you use a woodchipper after (ask owl) nope - that would definitely be after play.... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 I think it is only foreplay if you aim at the a$$ "brace yaself, Sheila!" Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 nope - that would definitely be after play.... For some, its not just an adventure...its a profession! Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 does hitting an erring spouse over the head with a skillet count as passion ? What "head" are we talking about and is the skillet hot? Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 What "head" are we talking about and is the skillet hot? Ouch! That just sounds painful! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 What "head" are we talking about and is the skillet hot? LOL and only a married woman would ASK that hn Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 OK...this is totally wrong, but I simply couldn't resist... Marriages don't kill passion...husbands coming home early from work kill passion! (This is for a friend of mine who came home and caught his wife that way...he's finally got to the point where he can laugh at this at least! ) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts