Groovy Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 I slept with someone on the 1st date. We lasted 3 weeks and I wish it ended in 1 day. I wish I hadn't tried to be friends simply to gain understanding of him. I was 30 and he was 31. It was unusual I felt connected so fast. I expected at that age we could handle it and wanted to try what society had going on perhaps. I had never done it before in my life and I told him that. I also let him spend the night and I am into personal space. We e-mail. He doesn't take a part in my life, nor mine his. Some guys handle it and some make it to be everything about who the girl is. We both have a lot in common with our schooling, religion, hobbies and lifestyle. I know I am lucky he didn't have the same feelings because he has been insensitive. He has looks and ambition but didn't appreciate or realize who I am. I liked him for superficial reasons. Recently I had a question in a license for a career move and he blew off the 1 minute question. I don't want him, just advice only he could give me based on his background that would help me make a big decision. He indicated long ago he broke up because us sleeping together too soon. If that is the only reason, it seems like a bad reason. We have not been in bed together for 1 yr. Perhaps I hoped he would turn out to be someone different after 6 times in the sheets with him and our "friendship" well over 1 yr later, so I continued to talk to him. But the friendship is 1 sided and I wonder why we talk at all. It was the only time I have ever been used. Sorry to rain on your parade guys, but the girl does care. And girls, don't do anything too stupid. Maybe I am different than a lot of people but it wasn't worth it. I have decided to ditch this friendship. I wonder why some men make it all based on a challenge and can't just enjoy someone who has a lot in common and was good in the sack? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 It was the only time I have ever been used. I don't see how you were used when you made the conscious decision to sleep with him on the first date without knowing (1) how he felt about you, (2) where he saw the relationship going, (3) what he was looking for in a relationship, etc... This is not all his fault. You had an even part in the way things went down, because you participated with lack of relevant information. I wonder why some men make it all based on a challenge and can't just enjoy someone who has a lot in common and was good in the sack? Because as much as I hate to say it, for some guys the double standard still exists. I'm sure he enjoyed you very much for three weeks, but let's face it, you handed it all over on a silver platter on the first date. With some guys, that's fine. With others, it isn't. They start thinking "Well, she slept with me on the first date. Who else has she gotten naked with after knowing them for three hours?" (It doesn't matter if you say you've never done it before.) The illusion is gone, the respect is gone, and ... it's over before it even began. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted July 30, 2003 Author Share Posted July 30, 2003 If the man promises he won't judge, then tells her she's dumped for doing it, I think she can feel mislead. And thanks for telling me I gave it to him on a silver platter. I am not looking for anyone to defend my actions, but I think that part was implied in the story and you just rephrased it with no tact or respect. I guess I was looking more for a response from a guy who has had it matter or not matter in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 Many men will say just about anything when they see an easy chance coming their way. So, taking his word for not judging sounds naive to me ... good luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted July 30, 2003 Author Share Posted July 30, 2003 True Yes. One bad experience made me not so naive anymore. oh and Clia, I actually did tell him what I had expected in return. Sorry to get defensive..... Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 What did you tell him and what did he say? I'm not trying to be disrespectful, mean, or tactless. I've made the same mistake in the past, as have many, many other women. It's a great learning experience... Link to post Share on other sites
superd Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 I agree with a previous poster, no one used you, you made the decision to have sex with an emotionally unavailable person and you got burned. What is even more horrifying is that you are still with all your heart trying to get that man to come to you and open up which will never happen. You need to let go. Its sounds like you have issues with men, especially perhaps your father and you need to "clean out the closet" with a grief letter and forgive your father and your ex-boyfriends for who they couldn't be and look for a different type of guy, one that will give you more respect and I am sure he is out there. Don't get discouraged. I really don't even think that the in the sheets too soon is really the main issue, its the excuse, the bull**** he gave you to run away. A man is going to take you to bed if he has the chance, especially since we seldomly get the chance with "good" women and if the chance comes up its the dream we have been waiting for. Don't hate him for making love to you, celebrate that memory. If you need to take more time in the future that may be a good idea also. Just don't despair because that is going to chase good guys away and bring the crappy ones. Take time to breathe and find your heart. If you want to f*** then do it, maybe there is something good in mutually disrespecting yourself from the get go because it puts you on equal footing. I am not sure about that, its sounds crazy, but in a crazy way it might make sense, and non-virgins out there know what I am talking about. You can't take yourself too seriously or you will go crazy. My whole point here is that too soon is not the issue, the issue is that that guy was unable to feel his emotions and to be present and appreciate you. He is the failure, you are not. Keep going and you will find your true one, and whether you go to bed with him in 1 day or 1 year, keep an eye on your tactics and figure out which ones work for you and which ones don't. There is your answer that you have been waiting your whole life for. There is your bus to sanity-ville, sincerely, the legendary superd. Link to post Share on other sites
independent Posted August 13, 2003 Share Posted August 13, 2003 hey girl! you already know the consequences that might happen if you do something that's beyond the normal dating scheme even before you jumped into it. why then are you STILL contemplating on THAT TEMPORARY EXPERIENCE you CHOSE to be INTO to the point of putting all the efforts on that person? i don't think when that guy get down on you he was thinking about you , obviously, he wasn't thinking of anybody or anything else BUT HIM. you know what i mean? i'm sure you do. so, it's like you wanted to squeeze something more from somebody who DIDN'T say HE LOVES YOU while he was enjoying your intimacy. you looked for a thrill! you had your thrill! so why question him? you should question YOU. girl...something's wrong with you, are you desperate? Link to post Share on other sites
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