Controling parents over an adult

[trapped62003]

Hello,

 

Yeah im new to this board and i do have a problem with my parents. Im 22 years old and i feel like im in an environment where im 22 turning 14 years old. I feel very trapped and it's starting to have a lot of cracks within me.

 

Just to summaries the situation that occured in the past:

- I am being brought up in a strict traditional greek family

- During my teenage life, i was heavily controlled and felt like as though that i was unable to live a normal teenage life. Wasnt allowed to date boys, go out to parties etc. I was an outcast due to it and was unable to decide my own opinion as i was drummed in my head the certian way of living

- During my final year of school they were control the career path i was to take as they felt that my dreams of an artistic career would not support me. I had a mental break down which lead me to be constantly depressed

- I started tertiary schooling and would pressure me into studying which i found to be hard to deal with at the time. When ever i failed a subject (out of eight at the time) they would grind into me more and more and it gave me more reason why to push them away.

- At the same time of starting tertiary schooling, i covered my emotions up by being in a relationship with a christian that ended three years later. During that time, the only time i was allowed to stay over his house was once after he asked permission in hand of marriage to my family a month before he dumped me (it was a three year relationship)

 

During the time that i was single i was going through a rough time and there constant watch over me started to grind on me and then i started to snap. I went on antidepressents to help me get over my emotions in order to suceed in university but my parents were constantly arguing about it and it's made the situation a lot worse. I was only on the antidepressants for three months in order to help me get myself out of the emotional state i was in at the time.

 

I did go to Greece for a holiday in the middle of the year with my younger sister and the controlling parents continued. This whole situation of there tighter control on me now started while we were in greece. Mainly because i had to get them involved in order to control my sister at the time and i was consitantly blamed for not keeping a good eye on my sister and letting her be argumenative. My attitude at the time was that my sister was getting away with so much and i started to become a little bit imature about it all.

 

When my sister and i got back from greece, the arguing continued about the events that occuring while we were in greece and i felt trapped as i was accepting and moving forward with what i have done but i was getting dragged back into the situation with them attempting to 'teach me a lesson'. My escapism from my parents was to go out as much as i possible can during my university semester whist working extra hard to achieve the best marks. During the time i was doing counsellings to help me in teaching me on the way i was thinking to think more positively about the situation which helped me out so much at the time. However i felt like as though that im able to move forward in allowing myself to stand on my two feet but my parents seems to want to protect me and continously drag me back to a place and trap me.

 

I did fail two subjects during my acedemic year and during each semester my parents have put further restriction on me. Thankfully by the time the first semester started of my acedemic year (march - june 2008), i started to tone down and only spend about a few times a week if i had no assessments to once a week if i was very busy with my current boyfriend of 7 months. I do feel like that the restrictions my parents have put onto me have limited me more than ever before and gotten me more unmotivated about life then ever before despite having that little spark within my spirit to be able to get out of bed. I just feel like as though that my boyfriend and i are currently conducting a relationship that is similar to a relationship that teenagers would have. Not allowed to stay over each other houses, not allowed to have a blanket over us when we are just sitting on a couch, not allowed to be touching each other with affection and a lot more. It just makes me fear that i would not be able to have the freedom to grow into a relationship without the consistant restrictions.

 

At this point in time, im unable to move out at all as i do not have any income to support myself when doing it. To make matters a lot more delicate, with my recent failiure in one subject (my average failure is one subject per semester), i have been futher restricted by my parents. This is what they are:

- unable to get a part time job (always had that restriction on me since i was a teenager) and rely on supporting myself on wealfare

- unable to go out at all during the university semester

- unable to see myself other than once a week

- unable to do sort tasks around the house to help my family whist i turn around and get accused of being lazy

 

It's starting to grind on me more and i feel like as though that the more i find my own feelings towards my point of view on sex, relationships and life in general, the further restirct i become and the further i get molded into being this greek household wife which i do not want to become 100%. It does put strain on me and it does put fear on me espeically with me being in a relationship.

I do admite to pretending to stay at my friends place in order to spend some quality time with my boyfriend and have that little moment of freedom. The fact im unable to be honest with my parents about it eats me up and all i just ask for is to be able to conduct a relationship with my parents with honestly and love in it. Unfortantly i do find it hard for me to find respect with in them and every time they ask for my help in what i want all i ask them is to 'back off' which they never respect. I do treat them like **** and i find it hard to be able to respect them if they are accuse me of stuff im not doing and if im unable to grow more into myself and to become mature about the issues in life.

 

I do fear my family interfering with my life decisions espeically after i finish my degree at the end of this year. What is the best way to approach this delicate situation?

[Desperado620]

Wow.

 

I really don't know what to tell you, though I thought I might. You have to answer the question: Do I want to do as my parents say to keep their approval, or do I want to live my life the way I want it to be?

 

I had to ask myself the same question recently. I decided to live my life like I wanted, and I couldn't be happier. Fortunately for me, I was not in such dire straits as you. If I had been, here's what I would do.

 

Try your best not to be hateful or disrespectful to your parents. This will only make them angrier and put you closer to that teenager state of mind. Go to them calmly, like the adult you are, and tell them that your goals in life are not the same as the ones they had for you. Tell them that no amount of restriction will force you into a mold that you don't fit. Try your very best to show them that they will only drive you away and/or crazy with what they are doing, and while you want them to be a part of your life, you want it to be your life.

 

If that doesn't work, fudge 'em. Find a support system within your friends, maybe try student housing, try the financial aid center at your university to get any kind of grants or loans available, and get the heck out of Dodge. It sounds to me like they want to treat you like you're 14 until you're married to a wonderful Greek man of their choosing at which point you'll be a homemaker.

 

People can only treat you as badly as you allow yourself to be treated. Stand up for yourself (like an adult) and do what an adult would do. End or change a detrimental relationship.

 

Good luck to you, I hope you find a way to be happy very soon.

[HabitualDelirium]

I kind of have parents that are like this. What I feel you should do is start doing some introspection to figure out who you are and what you can do to best accomodate all the things in your life. It's going to be hard because you've grown being told how to think all your life and you've never really stood up against you parents to make decisions against their will, and at the same time you never stood up for yourself and made decisions for yourself. Maybe you don't know exactly what you want... But you need to figure it out asap so you can pull yourself out of this.

 

No matter what your parents want, this is YOUR happiness that's being played with. You will always be depressed if you're always doing things you don't want. You need to find what you want and figure out how to best get it. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, because you're so used to your parents telling you what to do.

 

But stop hurting yourself at the expense of your parents. You need to take the steps to move beyond this.

 

I would:

 

1) Sit down and contemplate what would make you happy. Think about the present: What is truly making you unhappy. Is it your parents? Is it because you're not doing well in school? Is it more than one thing?

 

2) Try to find out your own solutions to each of these problems. There is no one way, but only you can know how so slowly push for what you want. I wouldn't reccomend doing something too drastically life-changing, but you should definitely change your outlook. Think: What can I do to make my life better? If your parents want you to do chores, do them asap and get back to life. If your parents want you to do well in school, try signing up for classes you think you'd enjoy better and do better in. Try volunteering and getting a part-time and find reasons that would make them happy to hear. (Like you feel you could do better in this or that if you got a job...) Tell them you need to do certain things to get to a point not only you would like but they would like cause whatever's going on now is not working. Point it out to them that it's not work, why it's not working. It might be scary at first to talk to your parents, but you need to start bringing up these things one by one to help them as well as yourself with the transition. You can try going behind their backs like I did, but if you have the choice to speak to them, please do. It works.

 

3) Find what you want, and slowly try to do well in it. Take some art classes. Find a job that is art related. SHOW them you can do well doing what you want. Or at least show YOURSELF that you have something to be passionate about and work for. Pick yourself up the way you think best, and your parents will come to realize that is what makes you best.

 

Just slowly move away from them. Try to be your own person. Your relationship will fail with others if you are unable to be a strong and confident person yourself. Just work at it. It'll be hard because you're used to the same pressures, but trust me, confidence in yourself and goals is essential to being happy.