Worth even trying to have a LDR?

[Graduate]

Hi guys,

I am from Europe but spent the last year in North America. About a month ago I started talking to one of my neighbours in my apartment complex. We hit it off immediately and after about a week of just chatting at the pool he asked me out on a date. We had a wonderful 1st date and since then spent practically every free moment together. Literally. Every day when he came back from work we hung out at the pool and then went for dinner, movies, dancing, etc. I don't think he got more than 4 hours of sleep a night since we started dating. We are both in our 30s, but it kinda felt like we were teenagers again.

 

He is wonderful and I have never felt so relaxed and comfortable with someone I just met. The fact that he is absolutely gorgeous doesn't hurt either.

 

We knew from the beginning that our 'relationship' would have an expiry date, but I only told him about a week ago that I had to leave this friday. Ever since then we have both been bemoaning the fact that we barely had any time together and wish we had started talking earlier.

 

Well, I left 2 days ago and am now back home in Europe, but all I can think about is him. I am checking my email non-stop and am constantly looking for a cheap flight back there.

 

Thing is, we both kinda realize that there is no future for us. My life is here, his is with his kids in the Mid-West in the US. We met on the West Coast, but he only moved there for a few months because of work. We also seem to come from totally different backgrounds living very different lives, but none of that seemed to matter when we were together.

 

Though we exchanged email addresses and phone-numbers I am not even sure I am going to hear from him again. He is one of those people who still don't know how to navigate the Internet, and his phone plan doesn't allow him to make International calls. (As we found out when he tried calling me to see if the number worked.)

 

This all seems so hopeless and I am telling myself to just be grateful for the time we had together instead of crying over what might have been. But it is really hard right now; I miss him and can't stop thinking about him.

 

It has been 4 years since I last felt this way about someone-ever since my last serious relationship ended-so I know this is special. We just felt so right together, there was no drama or games.

 

He half-suggested I move back there or to the Mid-West, but this would just be too strong a move for someone I just met a few weeks ago, right?

 

I am not sure what I want from you guys, maybe to tell me there is hope and that you have been in a similar situation, or that there is no hope whatsoever and I should just forget about him. Or maybe not forget him, but accept that there can be no future for us.

 

Also, contrary to him, I am able to call him via the Internet or send a text message, do you think I should do it, or just let it be? I don't want to make this goodbye harder than it already is. I know it is hard on him too, because he delayed our saying goodbye again and again at the airport, and I finally just had to tell him to stop talking, gave him a kiss, turned around and left. When I turned around at the security check he looked so forlorn and sad standing there by himself and looking after me, I nearly turned around and ran back.

[Ronni_W]

He half-suggested I move back there or to the Mid-West, but this would just be too strong a move for someone I just met a few weeks ago, right?

Well, if you don't have any family or other commitments to keep you where you are, you could just look at it as an adventure -- move with the self-knowledge and understanding that it may or may not work out between the two of you, and that you are doing it for your own growth and new experiences regardless of how things play out with him.

 

Depending on his situation with his kids and his other commitments, you may or may not find that there really is a space in his life, where you can fit in. Maybe you do want to explore the full 'reality' with him, before you make any final decisions.

[Graduate]

Hi Ronni,

thanks a lot for replying to my post in this thread and the other. How is Toronto? I used to live there and miss it a lot.

 

Besides the fact that I think moving there would be too extreme a move after so short a relationship, I don't even knew how to organize it as I don't have a work permit for the US.

 

I would love to experience a bit more reality with him, but I don't know how to go about it. At this point I am not even sure whether I should call him or just leave him alone.

 

All I know is that I miss him soo much and think about him constantly, and that keeps me from getting anything else done around here. Do you think I should give him a call even though he might have decided not to contact me himself?

[Ronni_W]

Do you think I should give him a call even though he might have decided not to contact me himself?

Toronto is good, thanks -- now that we're enjoying our 'two months' of good summer weather .

 

I don't have enough insight or information to even hazard a guess as to whether that is a 'good' or 'not good' thing to do. If it is that there will be a lot of negative fall-out from continued contact, I would respect his decision to stop all contact and just do my best to muddle forward.

 

I suspect you will know what I'm meaning, about that(?)

[Graduate]

If it is that there will be a lot of negative fall-out from continued contact, I would respect his decision to stop all contact and just do my best to muddle forward.

 

I suspect you will know what I'm meaning, about that(?)

 

Not completely, but I get the picture.

 

Well, I could not control myself, so I sent him a text via the Internet. At first he sounded distant, calling me his "bud". But when I said I might come back to the West Coast soon he got very excited and offered to pay my ticket. Guess he wants to see me too. I said I would not take his money and only come if I can afford it myself. Guess I better start saving.

 

Even if I wont be able to make it, just knowing that he wants to see me too makes me so happy right now. Finally I have the energy to do something other than mope around, better use this energy to do something productive ASAP.

 

Thanks for reading my posts!

[LikeCharlotte]

All I have to say is :bunny::bunny::bunny::laugh::bunny::bunny:!

[Graduate]

Hi guys,

wish I was still feeling as great as I did two days ago, but somehow I am in the dumps right now.

 

It is strange, I really feel like having contact with him is some kind of an addiction. I crave it all the time, when I get it I am so happy and elated, but a few hours later I start getting depressed again and craving it more than ever. Is that scary?

 

Well, it has been 2 days since we spoke and I have not heard from him since. Being as I initiated contact last time, I feel it is his turn to contact me now. I mean if he doesn't initiate contact ever, then that is a bad sign, right?

 

My question is, in my situation, how much time is reasonable to wait for a message from him? If it were up to me I would talk to him every few hours, but is this realistic seeing as we only spent a few weeks together and have not even established that we would stay in touch?

 

The last thing I heard from him was: "Talk to you soon I hope", to which I replied that he should text me to this number (yahoo messenger) and he said "sounds good". We said goodnight and he said "Think of me".

 

That was two days ago, should I be worried about not having heard from him yet, or is 2 days a normal amount of time? Of course I am trying to come up with all kinds of excuses for his silence. Like A) guys don't text that much unless they have something to say, or B) maybe he sent me texts to yahoo messenger and I did not get them. Btw, does anyone know whether you can get sms messages to your yahoo messenger even if you don't write first?

 

I hate this. One of the things I liked so much about him is that he never kept me guessing. Yes, we never made plans in advance, but every day he automatically came over to me and asked whether I wanted to do something.

 

What do you guys think? Should I give it another day and then contact him again myself, or should I stay strong and wait till I hear from him? Earlier in the conversation he said I should let him know once I know whether I can come see him or not, could it be that he is waiting for my answer? Or am just trying to find an excuse for his silence?

[HisLove]

Graduate, I'm the sort of person who wears my heart on my sleeve. Having said that, if I were in your situation, I'd be asking more direct questions. Not necessarily putting it all 'out there', but definitely making it more pointed.

 

The sort of thing I mean is I would be emailing/texting something like this:

 

I am back home now and I can't believe how much I miss you. We only met a few weeks ago, but this is a feeling that is different for me and I wonder if you feel the same. I mentioned coming back for another visit and it's something I want very much, but only if you feel as intrigued as I do, and whether you'd like to pursue it some more. I would just hate for this great thing to fade away for fear of neither of us saying anything. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

 

What do you think??

[Graduate]

I am back home now and I can't believe how much I miss you. We only met a few weeks ago, but this is a feeling that is different for me and I wonder if you feel the same. I mentioned coming back for another visit and it's something I want very much, but only if you feel as intrigued as I do, and whether you'd like to pursue it some more. I would just hate for this great thing to fade away for fear of neither of us saying anything. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

 

What do you think??

 

Wow, what I think is that you are very brave. I'd be way too scared of rejection to just put it out there and ask. I wish I was like you though, I tihnk it is much better to speak your mind instead of worrying and trying to analyze everything he does and says. Now if I could just listen to my own advice...

 

To tell you the truth, I don't have the feeling that he would like to pursue it some more, beyond me visiting him. I know he can't wait to go back to his hometown in the Mid-west to be back with his kids and friends. I think he really enjoys being with me, but he just resigned himself to the idea that there is no future for us. I think he was a bit surprised when I contacted him.

Realistically, all I can hope to get out of this is another few weeks of spending time with a man I really like. But even in my wildest dreams I don't think there is a long-term future for us. His life is back in the Mid-West, whereas my plans take me to Australia next year. I have been working on my dreams and career plans for a long time, and I am not willing to give them up for a man I just met, who doesn't even ask me to change them.

 

I guess the logical question is why I am putting so much thought and emotion into this little fling that can go nowhere? I think my answer would be that there is something special about him that I have not felt with anyone in the last 4 years. I did not expect to meet someone like him and it throws me. Knowing that a connection like this is uncommon for me, I am resistant to give it up so quickly. I think if we were both living in the same city he would be the kind of guy I could imagine spending my life with. Why is this freaking world so big, and why do I have to travel so much?

 

So what do you think? Should I try to pursue it some more to the point where I go to visit him and spend a few great days with him, or should I step back and wait if he contacts me?

 

Part of me thinks I got nothing to lose as I already know there is no future for us, so I can just forget about my pride and go visit him, even if he doesn't ask me to.

 

The other part tells me to stop and think about what I am doing, traveling half-way across the world and spending a lot money on a ticket, just to be with a guy I just met who has no long-term interest in me. Is not that crazy? I mean if I want a short meaningless fling, I can have that in my own hometown without all the hazzle and expenses.

[sb129]

What were you in the US for? What kind of visa did you have to be there?

[Graduate]

I was studying abroad for one year.

[sb129]

So no chance of going into the UK greencard ballot? A friend of mine has recently been successful, and he honestly didn't think it was going to happen at all.

[HisLove]

ok, well I'd rather know if he feels the same about me as I do him.

 

If he does, another visit is definitely worth pursuing. If he doesn't, I wouldn't visit him again and invest any more of my heart.

 

He could have thought it was the end because you returned to your country, not because he doesn't have feelings for you that he would pursue if he could.

 

I try to pursue my heart in relationships, so that there are no regrets. Sometimes I soar with eagles, other times I crash and burn. But at all times I know that I was honest with myself and others.

 

At the moment, I am on a little shaky ground with a man I adore...we have run the gamut from F.U. and back again. There is something that draws us to each other and we use that. Both of us have dismissed others for a lot less. I really believe if you think there is something special you should pursue it and not wonder what may have been if only you'd said...'whatever'.

 

Who knows..maybe you could write something along the lines of what I wrote in my previous post and he comes back with "yes I feel the same too.."

 

[Graduate]

Unfortunately obtaining a Visa or not is not really the issue right now. At this point I am more concerned about whether I am going to see him again and if I should contact him or wait for him to contact me. It would be way too early for me to give any thought to the idea of moving to the US just to be with him. After all I just met him a few weeks ago. That is way too short to uproot my whole life for him. Something he might not even want me to do.

 

All I want to know right now is whether it is worth trying to pursue this a little longer in hopes of spending a few more days or weeks with him. Or should I do nothing for now and leave the ball in his corner?

[Graduate]

I really believe if you think there is something special you should pursue it and not wonder what may have been if only you'd said...'whatever'.

 

Who knows..maybe you could write something along the lines of what I wrote in my previous post and he comes back with "yes I feel the same too.."

 

 

So you don't think I should wait and see if I hear from him again, but be the one who initiates contact once more?

 

Or wait till he contacts me and then try to find out how he feels about us?

[HisLove]

Well, I'd rather know how he felt. If it was a summer romance or something he'd like to pursue more.

 

Let's just assume you send him an email similar to something I said before.

 

OK, I'd rather have the truth right before me, before I outlay any more of my heart or money. He's said he will pay. He obviously would like to see you. You don't want him to pay and I am an independent woman and understand that also.

 

If he says it was great while you were there, but not realistic to pursue...you know how he feels. If he says he misses you also and would like to pursue things further...you know how he feels. With either answer, you haven't paid any money yet, nor given away any more of your heart. You do, however, know the next step to take.

 

Also, if he can afford to fund your airfare, why can't he come to visit you for a couple of weeks?

[Graduate]

Also, if he can afford to fund your airfare, why can't he come to visit you for a couple of weeks?

 

Well, he just started his new job a few weeks ago, so there is no chance of him getting vacation right now, but he did say he was gonna start saving money so he could come visit me in a few months. Maybe right before he moves back to the Mid-West.

 

About the email, I think you are right that I should ask him how he feels, but unfortunately he doesn't have an email address or knows how to navigate the Internet. The only way for me to contact him is via yahoo messenger by sending him an sms or giving him a call. Unfortuately we are not able to send texts directly from our phones to each other as his phone plan doesn't include international service.

 

It all sounds so complicated and full of hassle. No wonder he is not pursuing this/us.

 

So I guess my original question still remains, do you think it is a bad sign that I have not heard from him in two days, or is that to expected in our current circumstances?

[HisLove]

You haven't heard from him in 48 hours. Believe me, I am the Queen of impatience. 48 hours is not very long. Could be a number of reasons - he is focussed on his new job. He's tried to call you and couldn't get through. He texted his number and technology has screwed up? Something has happened in his life (ill parent or child and he is dealing with that). One of the biggest obstacles I've learned to overcome is technology breaking down right at the WORST possible time lol. And not getting all worked up over it and losing my temper.

 

You have his address, right? You can't text him or send an email. I'd send a postcard saying something like...Hey I didn't hear from you, isn't technology great until the wheels fall off . I wouldn't probably send that until a couple of weeks has passed.

 

What does your gut tell you about this guy?

[LikeCharlotte]

About the email, I think you are right that I should ask him how he feels, but unfortunately he doesn't have an email address or knows how to navigate the Internet. The only way for me to contact him is via yahoo messenger by sending him an sms or giving him a call. Unfortuately we are not able to send texts directly from our phones to each other as his phone plan doesn't include international service.

 

It all sounds so complicated and full of hassle. No wonder he is not pursuing this/us.

 

So I guess my original question still remains, do you think it is a bad sign that I have not heard from him in two days, or is that to expected in our current circumstances?

Just contact him again and update him if you are impatient. 2 Days is not very long and I really think he must like you if he was willing to pay for a ticket. Relax! It can be very trying once you've made yourself vulnerable but it is okay. He is probably just trying to protect himself and that is understandable... so are you! Don't be afraid and do whatever you can to try to get a chance to explore the viability of your relationship with this man. Give yourself a chance to breathe and be realistic you are very far away and you won't be able to be in contact all the time. It would be the same for any new relationship even if he lived down the street. Hang on and try to remain calm.

[Graduate]

Hi Ladies,

thanks a lot for your encouraging words. I needed to hear them. My head tells me that 44 hours is not that long, but my heart can't wait to hear from him again.

 

It is bad enough to be in a LDR when the relationship is established, but if you don't even know where you stand, it is much worse. I think I know what I am talking about, because all 3 of my long-term relationships so far were long-distance. Brazil, USA and South Africa. I really must be unlucky with European guys. The positive thing about my LDR's that I am trying to remember is that they all become short distance at some point, usually with the guy moving to Europe. Funnily I'd much rather have moved to their countries, but once they came to visit me here, they were hooked. Wish I could see this place with the eyes of a foreigner.

 

But none of the relationships were so new when we went long-distance. The shortest was 2 months and we talked about the future. I guess the difference between me and my guy is that I have been in LDRs and know that they are possible, albeit difficult. Whereas he had been married for 15 years and before that always had local girlfriends.

 

So my plan for now is to hang on and refrain from calling him as long as possible, in order to give him a chance to miss me and maybe contact me himself. But if I don't hear from him for a few more days, I am just going to send him another text and ask him how he is doing. Does that sound okay? Any suggestions on how long I should wait before I contact him again?

 

Thank you so much for talking to me about this, unfortunately my friends and family have only one advice for me: Move on and find someone locally! Well, part of that is motivated by their desire to see me stay put for once. I left my home-country when I was 18 and have only been back maybe 3 or 4 times for a year at max.

[LikeCharlotte]

So my plan for now is to hang on and refrain from calling him as long as possible, in order to give him a chance to miss me and maybe contact me himself. But if I don't hear from him for a few more days, I am just going to send him another text and ask him how he is doing. Does that sound okay? Any suggestions on how long I should wait before I contact him again?

You plan sounds good to me. Do you have any realistic idea of when and how you will be able to visit him? You could tell him how your plans are progressing just so he has some hope too.

 

You know Grad, it is nice to hear that you are feeling this way because I have been feeling anxious for a few days as well. Your post was a reminder to me that my focus should be on when, how and if I can make my visit work out and not on anything else. Its is just not realistic to worry about frequency of contact, if he is losing interest, what if I meet someone and so on. No matter what I think about these things nothing will change them until I make something happen. I just so happen to be really motivated toward that end. *swoon*

[Graduate]

You plan sounds good to me. Do you have any realistic idea of when and how you will be able to visit him? You could tell him how your plans are progressing just so he has some hope too.

 

Well, my friend is leaving for San Francisco next sunday (in 11 days) and if I want a chance to get a cheaper ticket, I have to go with her. But it is still rather expensive, especially as I don't have a job right now and I would have to buy a ticket to Nevada as well.

 

I have applied for 30 jobs yesterday and have 3 interviews lined up for this and next week. If I manage to snag a job starting in August, I will feel much more comfortable forking out the money for the trip to America. Let's hope I am successful in my jobsearch ASAP.

 

I admire you Charlotte for not caring so much about emotional fallout if you go see him and have to leave again, but rather focus on the great time you would have with him. I am sure if I should make it to see him, the time together would be awesome. I'll just have to find a way to not worry about the future but live in the present. Wish I could switch off my brain and insecurities whenever I feel like it.

[LikeCharlotte]

I admire you Charlotte for not caring so much about emotional fallout if you go see him and have to leave again, but rather focus on the great time you would have with him. I am sure if I should make it to see him, the time together would be awesome. I'll just have to find a way to not worry about the future but live in the present. Wish I could switch off my brain and insecurities whenever I feel like it.

I just got went on a second interview for a new job today! I'm not a rock Grad, I'm just trying to keep a level head about it all. I worry about the future all the time it is just that up to this point I have been planning alone and I will continue that way unless I find myself with someone I want to plan a future with. That is very far off with this or any guy. I will take it as it comes until its time to do more or it doesn't work out. If I get hurt, so what? I'll heal. I'll never know unless I try, right?

 

Right now I am counting my self lucky to have someone who is worth my thoughts after the debacle that was my last relationship. I had settled my mind on being alone for a long long time. I am happy and surprised to have met someone so serendipitously and who is just great really even if it is just because I needed (and deserved) to have a reason to smile. For right now that is how I see him and this "thing" - a reason to smile and something to look forward to. Simple and good

 

As for time together... it makes no difference to me as it stands but I really hope things start getting better for me so I can go visit. It would be awesome! I would be so in the moment that I don't think I would be off my cloud to think until I was already home. Actually - I know it. *crosses fingers and other assorted superstitious things* I hope he stays interested until I can. I hope we can have a little more time.

[Graduate]

I just got went on a second interview for a new job today!

 

Congratulations! And good luck getting the job!

 

So, yesterday, after not hearing from him for 3 days I texted him via yahoo messenger and I am not so sure what to make out of his responses, maybe you guys can help me decipher them.

 

First of all, we texted back and forth for 3 hours and it usually took him about 5 minutes to get back to me, considering that he was working I guess that is not too bad. After 3 hours in the middle of the sentence my messenger crashed or something and I couldn't receive any more messages. I contacted yahoo and it seems there is some kind of limit to how many texts you can send. They also confirmed my suspicion that only I can initiate conversation, and he can only reply. This sucks, so basically I always have to be the one to initiate the conversation, which means I will never know at what point he would contact me or if he ever would contact me at all if he doesn't hear from me. Any suggestions or comments about that? Btw, I asked him whether he had sent me a message in the last 3 days and he said no.

 

Okay, now about the content of the conversation. I had the feeling that he was busy and did not have time to chat, but he told me three times that it was okay to chat. He pretty much started the conversation out telling me that he works 60hrs a week, monday to saturday. I did not know why he told me that, but figured this might be his way to tell me he would not have time for me to visit. He asked straightaway when I could come out to see him and when I told him that I might not be able to afford it, he did not renew his offer to pay, but suggested some other ways for me to come up with the money. When I asked him whether he would be able to come see me, he took forever to answer and then wrote something non-committal about not having the time and money right now. Sounds all pretty bad, right?

 

So I figured he was not interested anymore and decided to let him off the hook by saying that he probably would be too busy to spend time with me right now if I came see him, so maybe I should come some other time. To which he replied "No, I will definitely have time for you. I can't wait to see you." When I said that I might not be able to afford a ticket to Nevada, but instead might stay in San Francisco he said he would try and get a ticket to come out saturday night till monday morning. When I said something to the effect that he did not have to do that, as I know sunday is his only day off and I know tickets are not cheap, - especially over the weekend -, he agreed, but said that this was the only place to see me, plus he had never been to California. So I suggested he go to Southern California and take in the beaches, to which he replied that I was in San Francisco, which made it the top location for him to visit.

 

Gosh, I am being so specific here, I hope he doesn't read that.

 

Anyway, right in the middle of talking about dates and locations, my messenger crashed.

 

So that's it, and I am not so sure what to make of it. He seems interested in seeing me again, but only if he doesn't have to make too much of an effort about it, right?

 

What do you all think?

[bones1]

Well first I would suggest he gets a calling card. I can call Brazil and talk up to ten hours for 5 dollars. I think Europe is even cheaper.

 

Some people are strange about calling. I can always find time if I am interested. I called my long distance girlfriend every night for 3 months.

 

I don't envy your position, as I am in a similar one. Sometimes I feel like completely giving up, and sometimes I am thinking it might work.

 

If you visit, would you stay with him? Would you work? Do you have money? How long would you stay? And then the question is how long, And then what?

 

Sometimes even after a visit or 2, it seems to go back to square one.