Worth even trying to have a LDR?

[LikeCharlotte]

@ LikeCharlotte "Long distance really SUCKS!!! I hate it"

 

Sure it CAN work. Like I could give up my job if I won the lottery.

 

The 'mortality rate' of LDRs is way way up there with guns and tequila. For 9/10 people, even if they like that person, it just doesn't make longterm sense.

I like tequila. Neither here nor there really. Personally I'm not trying to make anything "work". I just like what I am doing and so does Grad. I'm not trying to fall desperately in love, get married and have puppies. I'm just enjoying someone that lives far away more than I enjoy people I've met locally. It's worth a little expense to me because I rarely meet anyone I like at all.

 

You seem very cynical Chris and I feel a bit sad for you. You look at relationships as if there should be some sort of reward system. Real life isn't like that. Sometimes all you have is right now and you should make the best of it. I don't have a crystal ball. I don't know what is going to happen to me, or Grad, or any other posters on LS but I do know that I'm not going to stop doing something that makes me smile just because I might eventually get hurt.

 

Comparing LD to guns and tequila is simply ridiculous. I could compare Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi to Adolf Hitler because I want to but the argument would still be ad hominem as yours is circulus in demonstrando and dicto simpliciter. It is a logical fallacy Chris; and so I shall continue. Get some hope and sunshine, it will do you some good.

[LikeCharlotte]

will let you know how everything went when I am back home, wish I could make time stop and stay here for a month!

Can't wait to hear. I'm glad you did this. I've been waiting on your update! Grad:love: Enjoy it!

[Graduate]

Hi guys,

I am back. To sum up my trip: It was great, I am so glad I went, but I don't think there is a future for us.

 

For the longer version: I had a really great time with my guy, it was funny, romantic, exiting, etc. He was a complete gentleman and tried to fulfill my every wish, unspoken or not. I really feel like I got to know him so much better than before, which is logical, as we only knew each other for a short time and you always discover new things about people.

 

Now why do I think there is no future for us? Well, for one he never mentioned anything about a future, but in fact agreed when I mentioned something early on about us not really having a future and added: "Yes, but we have today, and better to enjoy the present than worry about the future."

 

Another thing that tells me he is not ready for a LDR is the way he likes to spend his free evenings: Going out with friends and meeting women. I was a bit surprised when he told me that, after all who does he think I am? I guess he was not thinking when he told me that as part of a story about a crazy friend's of his, but it was clear to me that he is an active participant in these outings.

 

The way I see it is that he got married really young and is now trying to recapture his youth or enjoy his freedom. So I think he might be interested in dating me if I stayed in his town, but now that I left he is not going to stay home and pine away for me. It hurts a bit as I really do like him, but I am more okay with it than I thought I might be.

 

I left Nevada on sunday and spent a few days in LA with friends before I flew home yesterday. Since then I have not heard from him, and am not sure I will. The thing is, I clearly told him on our first day together that once I left it was his job to get in touch with me, and if he did not he was not going to hear from me again. So now I really can't get in touch with him or he will think I am a total wuss.

 

Catarina, how on earth did you manage to stay in touch with your guy for 9 years, even while you were dating other people?

 

So I guess all I can do right now is stay as busy as possible and hope I am going to hear from him, though I am not sure how he would do that as he still has no email-address or got his phone unlocked for long-distance calls.

[Catherina]

So good to hear about your trip! Like I said, I never really pay much attention to online boards...but was definitely checking in regularly to see if you posted any updates.

 

I am really, really sorry to hear you don't think there's a future for you two. I mean, I'm happy that you had a good trip, but sorry to hear that it sounds like you two aren't on the same page. I know that must be such a frustrating feeling, and I'm sure it's not easy for you to accept or move on from it.

 

Every relationship and every story is unique. To be honest, I think we managed to stay in touch for so long because we met when we were young, and though there was definitely major chemistry, neither of us really stopped to consider a plan for the future or initially tried to make things work long-term. There simply was no pressure in the beginning. Eventually we developed into wanting to be together, but it was not until much later - several years later, in fact. Then, once we decided we wanted to be together, it got even more difficult until we were able to actually find a solution to our problem (him finding a job here - and that took a whole year!). I really wish I could give you an answer - but when I try to think about it, it becomes really difficult to figure out how we did it! All I can say is that I never, ever asked him to give up anything to be with me, never pried into his life, etc... - it was always his call and he initiated everything. It was one of the hardest things I've done, and I'm glad I handled that relationship the way I did, but it was SO DIFFICULT!!!

 

By the way, I think you did just the right thing with your guy - I hope you don't question the way you handled things. I know it must be so difficult for you to not call him and for you to not sit around wondering WHY he isn't calling you! But you put the ball in his court, and if he wants to make a move, he will. So I agree - you go on with your life and stay busy and be fabulous and soon you will meet a really great, wonderful, awesome man that you love - one who deserves your attention, treats you like a queen, and decides to live in the 21st century... I mean, seriously - WHO doesn't have an email address!?!?! Even my 90-year-old great aunt has email!

[Graduate]

I am really struggling. It's been a week since I last saw him and I still have not heard from him. I know he is technologically challenged and he did not really say that he was going to contact me, but I guess I really believed he would, even if just to say "Hi, how are you? How was your flight?"

 

All I can think about is him and I can't stop wondering what he is thinking and why he is not calling me. Worst of all I in my mind I am going over all the good moments we had together, wondering if I misread things and I was the only one who had a good time.

 

Also, I can barely keep from contacting him and asking him what is going on and why I have not heard from him. Please talk some sense into me before I do something stupid!

[TMichaels]

Also, I can barely keep from contacting him and asking him what is going on and why I have not heard from him. Please talk some sense into me before I do something stupid!

 

Graduate,

 

Be careful that you're not getting frantic about not hearing from him because somewhere deep down inside you're wondering if you made a fool of yourself or the right decision by being the one who instigated your visit and want him to affirm that the effort wasn't a total waste.

 

You didn't, you did, and don't start getting down on yourself about having made the trip. If nothing else, you now won't spend your life wondering "what would have happened if I had had the guts to go see him?"

 

Bottom line? You already put yourself on the line to see if there was something worth pursuing -- the ball's in his court, now. If he can't get off his b@tt and invest in some knowledge or technology in order to stay in touch with you, then sorry to be blunt, but essentially you're not even worth "the cost" of an email program or phone card/upgrade to him -- so don't contact him, let him wonder what *you're thinking,* and if you don't hear a peep, chalk it up to experience and move on.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. Re-read your own recap of your visit posted above. Plenty there that *was not* that encouraging -- including your own assessment of the situation when it was fresh in your mind...

[Catherina]

Graduate,

 

As usual, I agree with TMichaels. I know it hurts so much and is so difficult to think that he might not bother to put forth the effort to contact you, but I agree you should let things be and let him call/email you.

 

And with the trip, like TMichaels said, at least you now won't be left wondering for the rest of your life what would have happened if you didn't go.

 

I am sorry that you have been left in this state of not knowing and of yearning to talk to him just to get some answers....it really sucks and I wish there was something that could be done to make it easier.

[Graduate]

Hi Ladies,

thanks a lot for your encouraging words. It is not easy, but I am trying to stay strong and not contact him.

 

Yesterday I received some news I at first was real happy about, but now I am not so sure how to take it, maybe you can help me out.

 

A friend of mine tried calling me from abroad yesterday, but she could not get through. Every time she tried she got the message from my wireless provider that the number doesn't exist. Even when I called her and she just hit redial, she got the same message. Seems like I can't receive calls from abroad on my phone either, and I thought his plan was the only messed-up one.

 

Now, at first I was happy to hear this and thought "Yes, that's why I have not heard from him. He probably tried calling and could not get through." But after a while I started thinking that this doesn't mean he actually tried contacting me, but only that he might have run into trouble if he did.

 

So I have no idea what to do now. Remember I really like him and would love to stay in touch with him. This means that I would love nothing more than to call him myself, if he can't get through. But only if he tries getting in touch with me first. Because if he doesn't, I take it as a sign that he doesn't really care for us to stay in touch and I don't want to be chasing him.

 

So what do you think I should do? Assume he called but did not get through and therefore contact him myself? Preferably with a short sweet text on his birthday next week?

 

Or should I not care about whether he tried contacting me or not, and wait till I actually hear from him in some shape or form?

 

I am trying to keep the balance between not making a fool of myself, but also not letting my pride get in the way of staying in touch with the man I have fallen for.

 

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[TMichaels]

Yesterday I received some news I at first was real happy about, but now I am not so sure how to take it, maybe you can help me out.

 

A friend of mine tried calling me from abroad yesterday, but she could not get through. Every time she tried she got the message from my wireless provider that the number doesn't exist. Even when I called her and she just hit redial, she got the same message. Seems like I can't receive calls from abroad on my phone either, and I thought his plan was the only messed-up one.

 

I wouldn't automatically assume your phone is messed up. It may be that your friend isn't dialing it correctly. The "re-dial test" is a case in point...

 

When you call from the U.S. to another country, you have to dial an international access numbr -- "011" -- and then the country code, and then the number. When you try to use the re-dial function on most U.S. phone/cell systems, since dialing the "011" international access number is something callers in the States need to use to call abroad (but not so when calling the U.S. from abroad), the number that you're trying to redial overseas is missing the "011" international code.

 

For example, if I was dialing a friend in London in the U.K., from the U.S. I would need to dial: 011 (international access code) - 44 (country code)-20 (city code) -7797-1234 (actual number).

 

However, if that same friend called me from the U.K., the call would display on my phone in the U.S. as originating from: 44-30-7797-1234. If I were to simply hit redial, the call would not go through as the international access code (011) is missing.

 

So, to remove all doubt, have your friend in the U.S. manually dial your number making sure the access code is included. TBH, there rarely is problem receiving international calls via most phones/plans -- it's making them (calling out) where restrictions are more prevalent.

 

So I have no idea what to do now. Remember I really like him and would love to stay in touch with him. This means that I would love nothing more than to call him myself, if he can't get through. But only if he tries getting in touch with me first. Because if he doesn't, I take it as a sign that he doesn't really care for us to stay in touch and I don't want to be chasing him.

 

So what do you think I should do? Assume he called but did not get through and therefore contact him myself? Preferably with a short sweet text on his birthday next week?

 

Or should I not care about whether he tried contacting me or not, and wait till I actually hear from him in some shape or form?

 

I am trying to keep the balance between not making a fool of myself, but also not letting my pride get in the way of staying in touch with the man I have fallen for.

 

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

As I said, rule out the possible phone problem first. You then will know whether there's a technological glitch preventing him from reaching you. If there is no problem besides your other friend having a "senior moment" and not dialing your number correctly from the States, then if I think it is safe to assume the guy hasn't bothered to get in touch.

 

As far as the balance thing goes, from what you have written, I'm not totally buying the "I don't want my pride to get in the way" argument. I understand what you are saying, but the fact is, "it takes two to tango" and so far, this guy hasn't done much of anything, except sit at the bar and watch others dance.

 

You could use the excuse of his birthday to send a light, cheery note to wish him well, but if I were you, that would be my last contact.

 

As long as you are the one doing all the pursuing, you'll never know whether the guy is truly interested in you, or just extremely flattered some woman is spending a ton of her own time, money and "head time" to get his attention while he does nothing except be a passive recipient. It has nothing to do with your pride -- but everything to do with mutual attraction and interest. Until he makes the effort and does something to indicate he's interested in you, I would let it lie.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

[Catherina]

I would not even bother to text him on his birthday. I mean, seriously - I still don't believe this guy does not have an email address!!

 

But as usual - I have to agree with the always wise TMichaels. If you do choose to text him on his bday - that would be my LAST contact. Plus you already said yourself that you want him to get in touch with you first. I think that is your answer.

 

Why did your friend try calling him? Is she a friend of his as well? There is a guy I know who tried calling my boyfriend b/c he is selling him a car, and he couldn't get through, but that's b/c he didn't know how to dial internationally.

 

In my opinion, this guy deserves nothing from you on his birthday - not even a short, sweet text.

 

Again - I have to offer my usual disclaimer - I know this is very difficult!!! It is much easier to just give in and contact the guy!!!! I hate relationships! Haha!

[Graduate]

 

Why did your friend try calling him? Is she a friend of his as well?

 

No, she tried calling me from abroad, not him. She did type in the 011 and my country code, but it still did not work.

 

You guys are of course totally right, I am just looking for an excuse to contact him. Somehow I don't think anymore that my phone really can't accept international calls, but that there is something wrong with my friend's phone. In any event, even if it did not work, I think this problem is a nice obstacle to show how strongly he is interested in getting in touch with me. (At the moment this interest amounts to zero.) I know if I was in his position and I got this message when I dialed his phone, I would try to find another way to contact him. Now if he really called me and it did not get through, then he should not let that stop him from getting in touch with me, right? Don't bother to answer, that question was rhetorical.

 

I am pretty sure now that he never contacted me and probably doesn't intent to either. After all we really don't seem to have much of a future and my friends and family all agree that it is easier to cut the ties now than continue being in touch and breaking up somewhere down the line. Being a guy I am sure he makes decisions with his head not heart and has decided a long time ago not to pursue this. And while I agree in my head that this is the right thing to do, I can't help wishing to hear from him and wondering whether he is thinking of me.

 

About the birthday text: I am not sure yet what I am going to do. You all agree it would be a mistake to send him a short text like "Hi Gage, wishing you all the best on your special day, Graduate."? I realize I said I was not going to contact him again, and obviously I am just using his birthday as an excuse, but I would really like for us to keep the lines of communication open as you don't know where life might lead us and maybe we will end up in the same area once again in the future.

 

This sounds pretty pathetic, doesn't it? After all, why doesn't he care about keeping the lines of communication open as well? You are right TMichaels, so far he has only been a passive recipient of my advances, and has not done anything for us to stay in touch once I left the US. (In America he was the pursuer at the start of our relationship back in May.)

 

Bottom line, for lots of reasons, I really should stay strong and not contact him for any reason, birthday or not. I will let you know whether I managed to listen to yours and my own advice.

[Catherina]

You do not sound pathetic at all. You sound like a human being who has emotions and feelings and obviously you are feeling pretty hurt right now b/c you care for someone and they are not putting forth the effort that you were hoping for. You cannot control how you feel - you can only control your reactions to those feelings.

 

That is what I love about this message board - it gives us a place to rant and to express our feelings without a lot of risk.

 

I truly understand how you feel. I know this is such a hard thing to endure, and I hope you do have the strength to not contact this guy. If you do, however, nobody is going to judge you - we all know it sucks to be in the position that you're in and that it is damn near impossible to not pick up the phone and send a text!

 

You sound like a pretty fabulous person - I hope you choose to drop this loser (who has no email or phone access) and some other guy will sweep you off your feet and treat you how you truly deserve to be treated.

[Graduate]

Hi guys,

I got the best possible news. Guess who just called me! Yes, Nevada guy.

 

He told me he had been trying to call me for the last 10 days, but the number never worked, so he went out and GOT A NEW PHONE on top of his new plan which allows international calls (I nearly did not pick up, because I did not recognise the number and it was 6:30 in the morning here).

 

He also went out and bought a COMPUTER and signed up for EMAIL, but he is frustrated as it doesn't seem to work. (He did not know you had to sign up with an Internet provider to use the Internet at home).

 

I can't tell you how happy I am right now; not only did I finally hear from him, but he also had a good excuse for not being in contact earlier. Plus, I also finally have a number I can call and his EMAILADDRESS.

 

The call itself was great too. He asked a lot about me, my new job, family, etc., said that he missed me and refered to little things I had said once in a while (which shows he paid attention). I ended the call after about 20 minutes saying I had to get ready for work and he sounded disappointed. I still have a bit of time, but I thought "quit while you are ahead".

 

Man, I can't tell you what weight has been lifted off my shoulders and heart right now. I have got a friend from Canada staying with me and finally I can stop moping around and be the great host I want to be. This weekend is going to rock.

 

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for convincing me not to get in touch with him myself. I know I would not feel half as good as I do right now if I had been the one to contact him first and I would never have known whether he would initiate contact himself or not.

 

LIFE IS GOOD!!!

[Catherina]

YAY!!!! I am so happy for you! I know exactly how you feel - I am so glad that he called and you can enjoy your weekend.

 

Sounds like he also really put forth some effort into getting in touch with you - that is awesome. I know it is the hardest thing in the world (well, not the hardest thing, I guess that's a bit dramatic, but anyways) not to call a man you care about, but waiting for him to call you was absolutely the right thing to do! Now you know that he called you because HE was thinking about YOU. That is great that he initiated the contact - you are right, if he had just responded to an initial phone call or email from you, you would not feel half as great as you do now.

 

I am so happy for you!

 

And by the way, I just have to tell somebody - am so excited today because my man is moving from Europe TODAY! I get to see him at 7pm! Yay!

[Graduate]

And by the way, I just have to tell somebody - am so excited today because my man is moving from Europe TODAY! I get to see him at 7pm! Yay!

 

Yay! I am real happy for you!

 

Thank you for all the support in the last few weeks. Please start a thread yourself or something and keep us updated on how things are going with your guy. I don't know about others, but your story sure inspires me with lots of hope for my own LDR, and I am very curious to find out how living together after so much time apart is going to feel for you.

[TMichaels]

Congrats, Graduate!

 

That's wonderful news!

 

Way better for you to have found the courage to wait things out and see whether he was truly interested by taking the initiative to get in touch with you than you making all the moves.

 

Keep us posted on how things develop...

 

All the best,

TMichaels