Cheating: are there any signs, things to say or quesions, things to look out?

[lostsousl]

Hey guys I'm just wondering are there any signs, things to say or quesions, things to look out for to find out if your girlfriend is cheating on you?

What changes do I look for and how can I ask the what question the right way to at least get hints backing up my suspicions of her cheating?

[adopted.italian]

Hey.

 

As a EX-cheating girlfriend, i noticed that I would either be really really nice or really really irritable with my boyfriend when I had cheated on him. Really nice when I felt guilty and/or really bad about what I had done, and irritable when my boyfriend would try and get romantic with me or something (obviously because I felt guilty).

 

I don't think you should ask (if it's not true she'll get really upset), but you could try things like suggesting to join her at the last minute when she's out with other people and see how she reacts. Surprise her. You obviously care about this girl otherwise you wouldn't be worried about her cheating - try to spend more time with her.

 

You could also try to tell her about an imaginary friend of yours, who thinks his girlfriend is cheating and ask her what she thinks he should be looking out for. Maybe you'll pick something up from her reaction as well as her answer.

 

My boyfriend found out by going into my e-mail account (i had told him the password b4, thinking nothing of it). It was a terrible way for him to find out, but at the same time he kind of lost a lot of the reason he might have had by going through my private stuff.

 

Anyways, I hope she's not cheating. Good luck.

[GoldenWonder]

What happened when he found out adopted italian?

[NEONINK]

I personally think a tell-tale sign is they cease and desist from having sexual relations with you. (most cheaters, not all).

 

Because, unless there's some medical problems, if they aren't getting it from you, they are getting it from somewhere....

[adopted.italian]

Hey.

 

About the sexual stuff above that NEONINK mentioned, it's true - I definetely pushed him away a lot. In the end it's hard to understand why you stay with a person if you are sleeping with someone else.

 

I guess part of it is history (we were together for like 3 years in the end), part of it is guilt...

 

I actually cheated on him quite a lot during the relationship, I'm very embarassed to say - though mostly it was one night sort of stuff. He was such a great guy. I also ended up by telling him every time, and we stayed together (it was a sort of long-distance relationship at times). I don't know why he kept on forgiving me, I supposed I kind of hoped he didn't every time. We were always much better friends than 'lovers'.

 

The last cheat (the one he found out about) I was actually dating someone else (I was in Italy, he was in the UK). In the end, believe it or not, I left him because I thought our relationship had been too damaged by my cheating, to the point of no return. I also left the guy I had been cheating on my boyfriend with, 'cause I really wanted a fresh start. Cheating just damages relationships to much, and it is never worth it in my opinion.

 

I am now in a new fantastic relationship now and I haven't cheated on him at all - it's been a year and I haven't even been tempted (mind you we are living together). So I suppose (and hope) you can change relationship patterns.

 

have you had any new insights into your girlfriend's behaviour lostsousl?

[superd]

I think that if person is cheating on you, you can just feel it, you just know somehow.

[Bronzepen]

Sooner or later, cheaters always get caught.

[moimeme]

Things don't add up. She'll say she has to work late but she never has had to work late before. She'll say she can't go out with you because she has something else to do but when you ask how the thing went, she answers only vaguely. There'll be subtle (or not-so-subtle) changes in her attitude and behaviour towards you that leave you thinking 'that's odd'.

 

You do have to be careful that you're not suspicious for nothing, though and that's the hard part. For instance, mood swings could just be due to school or work situations and not due to an affair.

[Ninja Extrordinaire]

I personally don't understand why people cheat.

 

The damage you do to someone when you cheat is HORRIBLE.

 

You pretty much destory their views on trust and love. When the time comes that they find someone again, that person has to go through basically a wall of defenses.

 

You'd be way better off just leaving them, and then doing whatever you want.

 

If you suspect someone cheating, I think they would make themselves less available to you, not want sexual contact with you and if you do question them, they would probably get very angry (more than normal).

 

Just because they know your right.

[NEONINK]

Ninja, I liked your post. I really am curious how you became so wise on the subject?

 

Were you:

1) the cheater,

2 the cheated,

3) the one that tried to have a relationship with the cheated

 

I'm curious about anyone that has or is the #3. How much effort and time and patience did it take to break through those defenses? I've been reasonable, but I'm driving myself crazy trying to love someone that hasn't opened their heart.

[Ninja Extrordinaire]

I have NEVER cheated myself. Believe me, I've had chances, one time I had to physically stop a girl from doing stuff to me (She was a little smashed, and I had a girlfriend).

 

I have though had a circumstance where I had a "Break" with this girl that I was head over heels over, and during the one week she was supposed to be "Thinking", she hooked up with her ex, and messed around. After we got back, it only lasted a week or two and I was just SOOOO angry that she kind of took me for a ride. I broke up with her and felt SOOOO happy that it was over.

 

It's just REALLY crappy to feel that way, I promised myself I wouldn't put others through that.

 

The only way to get someone to open up to you after they've been "cheaterized" would be to be sincere. What I mean is stick around for what you think would be a reasonable time to show someone that you are who you say you are and tell them how it is, and if they still don't buy it, move on. Some people have a really hard time accepting what happend to them, let alone trying to start another relationship that could possibly turn out the same way.

 

Whatever you do, if you do get in past the defense, show them that not all people are cheaters. Good luck!