The Other OW

[NoMore]

Hi everyone,

 

I’ve never posted on a forum in my life but I honestly don’t know what else to do.

 

A quick summary of the story; MM with children in love with OW. Over time OW wants him to leave W. OW contacts W and tells all. W and MM stay together. MM tries to end affair but finds out OW pregnant. OW has child and constantly harasses MM & W. Affair at this point is still on and off and MM does what he can for the child but wants to end it permanently with OW. Eventually they decide on NC. After a while OW decides that’s not what she wants and has now started the pressure again. MM doesn’t want to leave W but doesn’t want the harassment so is trying to keep the peace.

 

Me? I am/was the new OW. I have no idea how I got myself into it. I knew nothing of the first OW who has now appeared back on the scene. Our relationship was based more on friendship than anything, although we were pretty physical too. Things had cooled off a bit recently between us as MM had a lot going on at home (or so he told me). I didn’t have a problem with this, as I understood from the start that his W and children must come first.

 

My problem? I am not in love with him, and I knew it wasn’t going to be forever. I never wanted to get too emotionally involved because I knew it would be too hard. But now I am so angry with him for not telling me of this OW. I’m so frustrated that he lets her manipulate him and use her child as an emotional weapon. Neither MM or myself has said outright that it is over between us but it probably is. NC isn’t even an option as we work together. No one at work knew about us but they know we are good friends. It’s so hard acting as if nothing has happened.

 

Does anyone have any words of advice?

[norajane]

Me? I am/was the new OW. I have no idea how I got myself into it. I knew nothing of the first OW who has now appeared back on the scene. Our relationship was based more on friendship than anything, although we were pretty physical too.

 

Step back from this right now, since you finally know the truth. He isn't and wasn't your friend - he lied to you all along about his OW and his marriage. He lied to manipulate you into sex with him. Let him deal with the mess he made on his own.

 

If you can find a new job, a better job, then do so. Otherwise, keep your relationship on professional terms only and stay far, far away from his personal life.

[bentnotbroken]

You angry he didn't tell you about the o/ow, but not that he is a serial cheater that apparently doesn't use a condom and exposes all the women he is involved with to diseases. Wow, I just don't get that.

[NoMore]

You angry he didn't tell you about the o/ow, but not that he is a serial cheater that apparently doesn't use a condom and exposes all the women he is involved with to diseases. Wow, I just don't get that.

 

I'm not so gullible that I thought I was the first woman he had cheated with. However I am angry that he didn't tell me just how complicated his life was. To my knowledge, he wasn't in contact with the first OW when we first became involved but he knew from her past behaviour there was a good chance she would reappear. Had I known I probably would never have got involved.

 

As for condoms, who really knows what a person's sexual history is? All you can do is practice safe sex yourself. I would never have slept with him if he hadn't used condoms.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I think the point you were trying to get her to see flew right over her head. Sounds like so many other other women I've locked horns with on here, trying to get them to understand their actions are not right the moment they find out the man is married. Such men and women should be glad they are not among the number of lovers killed by a wronged spouse. Or that it IS NOT ACCEPTABLE for those of us who live in the real world of morality and consequence that we don't do that to people.

 

 

DNR

[bentnotbroken]

I'm not so gullible that I thought I was the first woman he had cheated with. However I am angry that he didn't tell me just how complicated his life was. To my knowledge, he wasn't in contact with the first OW when we first became involved but he knew from her past behaviour there was a good chance she would reappear. Had I known I probably would never have got involved.

 

As for condoms, who really knows what a person's sexual history is? All you can do is practice safe sex yourself. I would never have slept with him if he hadn't used condoms.

 

 

 

So you are one of those people who don't have boundaries, but are upset that he didn't give you all the facts. Well, you wouldn't have had to deal with is trauma and drama if you hadn't gotten involved for what ever reason. We only get back what we put out there.

[Lookingforward]

I think the point you were trying to get her to see flew right over her head. Sounds like so many other other women I've locked horns with on here, trying to get them to understand their actions are not right the moment they find out the man is married. Such men and women should be glad they are not among the number of lovers killed by a wronged spouse. Or that it IS NOT ACCEPTABLE for those of us who live in the real world of morality and consequence that we don't do that to people.

 

 

DNR

 

and haranguing people to bolt the stable door after the horse has bolted does a lot of "nothing" towards offering "support" - the ostensible reason for this forum.

[Lyssa]

and haranguing people to bolt the stable door after the horse has bolted does a lot of "nothing" towards offering "support" - the ostensible reason for this forum.

 

LF, some people just don't get that.

[silktricks]

My problem? I am not in love with him, and I knew it wasn’t going to be forever. I never wanted to get too emotionally involved because I knew it would be too hard. But now I am so angry with him for not telling me of this OW. I’m so frustrated that he lets her manipulate him and use her child as an emotional weapon. Neither MM or myself has said outright that it is over between us but it probably is. NC isn’t even an option as we work together. No one at work knew about us but they know we are good friends. It’s so hard acting as if nothing has happened.

 

Does anyone have any words of advice?

 

I'm not really sure what kind of advice you are looking for. It seems that it's over. No doubt it is difficult to act as if nothing has happened, but probably neither of you actually felt committed enough toward each other that it's impossible...

 

It sounds mostly like you are frustrated with him for the mess his life is in. It's a mess, but it's a mess of his own making. Pretty much nothing you can do about that. My best advice would be to avoid getting involved with married men in the future as you can pretty much assume that their lives will be more messy than those of a single guy.

[luvmy2ns]

So you are one of those people who don't have boundaries, but are upset that he didn't give you all the facts. Well, you wouldn't have had to deal with is trauma and drama if you hadn't gotten involved for what ever reason. We only get back what we put out there.

 

That point is obviously lost on more than one person here. She's upset at the MM for not playing by some set of rules she has in her head, but she's breaking "rules" most people adhere to herself here. And it's not as if she's on this forum asking for ways to get over emotional pain, people. She's not sad, she's mad.

 

If you want a FWB, there are plenty of untaken guys who would be happy to play that game. It would keep you, OP, out of all this sort of BS. I understand how a MM would be "safe" in that he wouldn't have any expectations of more from you, but is it worth the impending drama?

[Tomcat33]

NoMore welcome to the forum.

 

I understand your frustration no one likes to be taken for a ride. I am confused though are you the OW with the kids or are you an other OW that came after? And who is the woman that kept calling him and harassing him you or the other woman? (boy that's almost a tongue twister)

 

 

My advice to you and if you want true revenge is to cut this man off completely, it doesn't matter if he works with you and you have to have limited contact. If you show him that you are serious about cutting him off about wanting nothing to do with him ever again it will give you so much strength and it will shake him up, in the sense that he won't see it coming and therefore you will come out on top.

 

A man like that does not deserve your emotions, even if it is anger, he deserves his own mess to wallow in.

[luvmy2ns]

A man like that does not deserve your emotions, even if it is anger, he deserves his own mess to wallow in.

 

Ain't that the truth!

[Lookingforward]

Just fwiw, being a single man is no guarantee of a "mess free life", especially these days with so many forming Rs and having kids etc without the benefit of a marriage ceremony/licence.

[silktricks]

Just fwiw, being a single man is no guarantee of a "mess free life", especially these days with so many forming Rs and having kids etc without the benefit of a marriage ceremony/licence.

 

Though it's undoubtedly true that all lives are to some extent "messy", it is almost always the case that having a relationship with a single guy, i.e. currently unattached, will be less "messy" than having a relationship with a guy who is currently married.

[luvmy2ns]

Just fwiw, being a single man is no guarantee of a "mess free life", especially these days with so many forming Rs and having kids etc without the benefit of a marriage ceremony/licence.

 

I agree completely. Every time we enter in a R it's a crap shoot until you really come to know your partner thoroughly. But when you mess with a MM you KNOW there is going to be some kind of fallout eventually. It's like I tell my kids - for every door you crack open to allow BS the opportunity to enter, you increase the odds that the S will rain down on you.

[Lookingforward]

I agree completely. Every time we enter in a R it's a crap shoot until you really come to know your partner thoroughly. But when you mess with a MM you KNOW there is going to be some kind of fallout eventually. It's like I tell my kids - for every door you crack open to allow BS the opportunity to enter, you increase the odds that the S will rain down on you.

 

Perhaps, but aside from the obvious, quite often there aren't any more messes to be wary of than with a single person, from what I've seen anyway.

 

Not every D is a war of the roses

[luvmy2ns]

Perhaps, but aside from the obvious, quite often there aren't any more messes to be wary of than with a single person, from what I've seen anyway.

 

Not every D is a war of the roses

 

Well, if people want to take their chances, more power to 'em. But they sure find their way to LS to moan and groan about their MM and how "we've been seeing each other for years, and he won't leave his wife like he said he would," or "he dumped me because his W found out, and now I'm PO'd!" or "he always has to run back home to the wife and kids and I only see him when it's convenient for him," or "the W found out, and now she's making my life a living hell," or one I saw recently where "I contacted him again, and now he's had the cops call and threaten to put a restraining order on me if I don't leave him alone."

 

These situations wouldn't come up in a R where there is no sneaking around. Messing with a married person is inviting the S to rain down upon you.

[OWoman]

These situations wouldn't come up in a R where there is no sneaking around. Messing with a married person is inviting the S to rain down upon you.

 

Nope. With a SG (beyond a certain age, that would fall into the target range of many posters here) you're more likely to get:

 

"Can you give me a ride to the copshop for my weekly check-in? My licence was revoked with my last DUI"

 

"I promise I won't hit you again. I can't believe what came over me. It's like I was possessed."

 

"I haven't had THAT mush to drink, honessht! I'm shtill ferpickly shober!"

 

"Can I borrow twenty bucks - there's a dead cert at the races tomorrow, my buddy at the tote gave me a fail-safe tip-off"

 

"No really that wasn't me you saw cruising for teenage prostitutes earlier. I was in meetings at work all day - you can ask my buddy Jack who was with me! It might have been Tom though - I loaned him my car to run an errand at lunch time as his is at the garage for repairs. The gasket blew last week and he has a hard time getting all his **** sorted without transport."

 

"That wig and women's clothing were just for a joke, for Bob's stag party. I've no idea how it landed up in my cupboard. It's not even my size, look - do these stockings honestly look like they'll fit me?"

 

"Blood-covered chainsaw? What blood-covered chainsaw?" zzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!

 

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[Lookingforward]

or the ever popular "ever since mummy passed on, I've been at loose ends......."

[luvmy2ns]

Nope. With a SG (beyond a certain age, that would fall into the target range of many posters here) you're more likely to get:

 

"Can you give me a ride to the copshop for my weekly check-in? My licence was revoked with my last DUI"

 

"I promise I won't hit you again. I can't believe what came over me. It's like I was possessed."

 

"I haven't had THAT mush to drink, honessht! I'm shtill ferpickly shober!"

 

"Can I borrow twenty bucks - there's a dead cert at the races tomorrow, my buddy at the tote gave me a fail-safe tip-off"

 

"No really that wasn't me you saw cruising for teenage prostitutes earlier. I was in meetings at work all day - you can ask my buddy Jack who was with me! It might have been Tom though - I loaned him my car to run an errand at lunch time as his is at the garage for repairs. The gasket blew last week and he has a hard time getting all his **** sorted without transport."

 

"That wig and women's clothing were just for a joke, for Bob's stag party. I've no idea how it landed up in my cupboard. It's not even my size, look - do these stockings honestly look like they'll fit me?"

 

"Blood-covered chainsaw? What blood-covered chainsaw?" zzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!

 

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

 

So what you're saying is every single guy is either a loser, a cross-dresser, a pedophile, an habitual gambler, or a chain saw killer? Ummm.... okayayayayay.... I guess you've been hanging out with some real winners, eh?

 

Listen up, each and every gal on LS who is currently dating! Your guy is one of the above! Run - run, do not walk!!!! :lmao:

[nadiaj2727]

Me? I am/was the new OW. I have no idea how I got myself into it.

 

This is probably the first thing to find an answer to. Sometimes you can't move forward with decisions about the future until you've really figured out what led up to your past decisions. Part of that is realizing that every human being has a CHOICE, relationships and other human interactions don't just "happen" to us like tsunamis. Good luck.

[Lookingforward]

So what you're saying is every single guy is either a loser, a cross-dresser, a pedophile, an habitual gambler, or a chain saw killer? Ummm.... okayayayayay.... I guess you've been hanging out with some real winners, eh?

 

Listen up, each and every gal on LS who is currently dating! Your guy is one of the above! Run - run, do not walk!!!! :lmao:

 

after a certain age yeah - the field narrows considerably........

[luvmy2ns]

after a certain age yeah - the field narrows considerably........

 

Of course the field narrows, but our powers to sort out the losers get sharper with more experience as well.

 

The BTK killer was a married man with kids. Paul Bernardo was a married man. Gary Ridgeway (the Green River Killer) was married with kids. The list goes on and on and on. And there are numerous cases of pedophiles who victimized their married partner's children (I work in criminal justice). So much for these "safe" MM.

[torranceshipman]

Uh...the first OW harassed them....but during this 'harassment' the A was still on and off and the MM basically carried on hooking up to avoid the drama? Yeah right. Seriously, could anyone really believe that?

 

He isnt your friend, he wanted to have sex with you and thats it. He couldnt care less about anything else. Get rid of the guy asap. This is one of the most obvious examples on this board of a serial cheater who couldnt give a damn about you, the other OW or the W and I wouldnt believe a single thing he says.

 

Can't believe you're still involved with him after findin all this out!!!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

and haranguing people to bolt the stable door after the horse has bolted does a lot of "nothing" towards offering "support" - the ostensible reason for this forum.

 

Well, I guess I can entertain this message. I mean isn't that what the other person usually is anyway? Something to do while one is bored with their married lives or as an excuse to do what is wrong to get back at their spouse? Oops. Did I say that out loud?

 

Well, again, I stand and live by these three life rules...

 

1) Do on to others as you would have them on to you.

2) Bad behavior is rarely rewarded.

3) It is one thing to step in to a hidden trap. But to step back into it or stay there once it is obvious, you get what you deserve.

 

So, you think by those of us who stand for something positive, like not being a party to adultery (oh and I was once an unwitting participate of adultery who, instead of letting my feelings guide me, my morals kicked in and moved out of that situation quickly) are being too loud, boisterous, and scalding with these people who WILLINGLY either stay in a relationship with a person who is still married (and there is no gray area, if they are separated, they are married) or who actively seek out such relationships for their own selfish pleasures. And that we should coddle those really think they deserve sympathy when they can't/won't admit they were wrong and are reaping the rewards for their actions?

 

Let me tell everyone who is reading this, God does not put up with what is ugly, nasty, mean, hurtful, etc. and He sure does not stand it when we do it to someone else and expect a payoff for it. That is for those who believe or who wish to believe. Now for those of you who does not believe in a divine spirit... How about this, Karma is a b*tch? Or what goes around comes around? There is a reason why majority of affairs end up going nowhere or marriages end up dying should the adulterous pair marry... The universe does not reward bad behavior. It has little sympathy for those who got out of its way to disrupt it. If you look all around you can see us paying for all our wrongs. The same is with adultery. It is nasty. It is wrong. It goes against what is decent. It goes against what is good morals. And only those who A) Are bitter because they got sh*t instead of roses are not too angry at themselves to blame themselves, grow from it, and move on to bigger and better things. Maybe even find the spouse they deserve and desire. Or B) They are evil, soulless creatures looking to drag others down with them.

 

So, if you think that one deserves support it they can't or won't accept what they did was wrong and try to find fault in the situation, but their own. And then flaunt their ill gotten gains... Someone definitely is not living in the real world and maybe that is why our kids are as screwed up as they are today.

 

And now, maybe I am wrong here,, if I am YOU tell me why this woman deserves support when she is getting the same treatment she is giving the wife?

 

 

DNR

God and the universe can only forgive and forget those things we ask to be forgiven of and then try to correct so that we don't fall into the same situation again.