She is with someone else

[stlnsmile]

Well, I've done enough crying today. I am beginning to see that I was holding onto hope, and now I know I need to move on.

 

There is no point lashing out at her. It won't change anything. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, but she did. In time, I'll forgive her.

 

I'm going to be okay.

 

I think Rep. that the reason it hurts so much is that it is a means to an end. When I found out, I threw up....don't know if you got physically sick or not, but I did...I really really did. Buutttt, as you said, it was also the final death of hope. I could really let go. You think you are, but your not, at least that was the way it was for me. I think the narcissistic perfection is even harder to let go of. And the judgements that were rained down on us during the relationship, even harder on the self esteem than just a normal break up would be.

 

It takes a long time to get over the punch list of badness that we were. Thats the way it always felt to me.....there was this list of "bad traits" that he thought I had, and I had to prove them wrong. And I still struggle with the punch list. Every time I fail on one of those measures in anyway, the pain is magnified, and I think honestly that is why the relationship has been so hard for me to let go of completely, because I am still in competition with him. I don't want you to do that.

 

Our lives are not a list of things that we have to be to prove them wrong. We were okay when we met them, probably more than okay. The narcissist did love us for a reason, and I want you to remember this.....this supposedly perfect person at one time found perfection in us. We were exactly what they wanted.

 

You have to remember that whatever those things that you were in the begining were, they are good enough, and in truth, you were always good enough. I know how much this hurts, how deeply you are effected, how painful and how deep this root goes. But Rep. you have always been good enough, if you choose to fix something, fix it because you need to, not because you want to prove her wrong. It keeps you holding on too long. Im not sure this makes sense, but its easy to get caught in the trap of doing things just to prove them wrong. I still do.....and now....now.......finding myself.....not doing things for that reason, but for myself.....its the hardest challenge of all.

 

You have always been good enough Rep, all human beings have value, all humans have innate qualities that make them good and wothy. Even the poorest of the poor, the lowliest people on the planet, the homeless man on the street that we walk by, has an intrinsic value, its whether we choose to see that value or not. We can place ourselves higher than certain people, or we can love the broken.

 

Our narcissists taught us that certain people lack value......maybe you need to go volunteer at a soup kitchen, and I really mean this....and try to find the value in each person there. I was lucky enough to have this expirience through my church. But it humbles you.....it really really does....and you know...you will definately be better than her if you are serving your community that way. Think of Martin Luther King Jr., did he see value in all people or just the rich and good people., was he poor and worthless? Did he have no value because he was humble and fought for the less fortunate and disinfranchised? I want you to decide your own moral compass Rep...not hers. Hers is all messsed up.

[foolednm]

So I made it through the day. Probably one of the darkest days of my life.

 

Unable to sort out my thoughts. I just got home and laid on the bed for a few hours, but it felt like an eternity.

 

I do need to get through this, but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I feel like I wasted a third of my life on her. Do people recover from being so emotionally wrecked from betrayal?

 

I hate to post here when I can't say much positive things. I'm just hanging on at the moment, by what feels like a thread.

 

 

I saw my ex again today. She was crossing the street by my work. I want her so much, but I know it's done. It's over, just like she had been telling me for months. I didn't want to believe it, I wouldn't accept it.

Then when I found out she's sleeping with someone else, that crushed me and made me realize that it is over. I don't want her now, she's damaged goods, tainted, all used up. At least that is my logic for trying to get over her. She was so good when she was good, but when she was bad, oh man, hang on for dear life, she was like a hurricane that just wipes out everything in it's path. Hurricane Sharon.....Hmmmm, I think it fits....

[chrisanderson]

Hey Rep,

 

I know exactly how you feel man. My exfiance left me for another guy 2 months ago. One day we were talking about marriage, the next day she's going to the movies and the beach with him. I literally felt like I was going to die. To this day I can't understand how you can plan a future with someone then just have a change of heart. I mean maybe if there was a big deal breaker, but to leave someone out of no where??? It just makes no sense.

But 2 months into it, I'm much better. The turn around for me was me spending a day watching some old mafia movies. They just gave me a reminder of the importance of being loyal and the importance of trust. Although it may sound far fetched, if my ex did this to me then what would stop her from robbing me or even killing me? It's obvious she has no respect for me and is unloyal to me. That was the turning point for me. Yes, it will probably be alot harder for us to trust someone again but we have to give them the chance until they prove us wrong.

Time heals all wounds man, it'll get better

[replicator]

Stlnsmile, thank you so much for your words. I feel like you're reading my mind. I don't know how long it will be before I can truly just be myself, without having to feel the need to prove myself to her. I guess I'm also trying to prove to myself that I'm not someone who is mediocre - that I am strong.

 

I'm angry that I spent my entire twenties with her, and I wanted to be able to look back fondly at those years, but now it is difficult without being reminded of how she betrayed me. I don't know how people can be so reckless and selfish. I go from feeling sad, to enraged. I know that I somehow need to find a way to forgive her, otherwise I'll never let this go.

 

Foolednm, that must be tough to see her. Stay strong.

 

Chrisanderson, it's scary how people change. I'm sure in their minds, they've justified it somehow with twisted logic. They don't feel guilty, because they feel like they are doing it for 'the best'. They just give up, and disregard the feelings of the person who loved them most. My ex says it isn't betrayal, but it sure feels like it.

[critter909]

Chrisanderson, it's scary how people change. I'm sure in their minds, they've justified it somehow with twisted logic. They don't feel guilty, because they feel like they are doing it for 'the best'. They just give up, and disregard the feelings of the person who loved them most. My ex says it isn't betrayal, but it sure feels like it.

 

I very much relate to this. The things my ex has done I just cannot believe. He was suspiciously strong about our break-up and I found out that within the week he was seeing someone else. I called him up and confronted him, he felt ashamed. But it doesn't change anything. It's the same crap, it's best for both of us blah blah. I feel the same, he just gave up, gave up on me and us. I'm sure you hear this a lot and probably think it too, "The X I know would never do this!" That's how I feel. The D I know and love is not this person, like you said, scary.

[chrisanderson]

I very much relate to this. The things my ex has done I just cannot believe. He was suspiciously strong about our break-up and I found out that within the week he was seeing someone else. I called him up and confronted him, he felt ashamed. But it doesn't change anything. It's the same crap, it's best for both of us blah blah. I feel the same, he just gave up, gave up on me and us. I'm sure you hear this a lot and probably think it too, "The X I know would never do this!" That's how I feel. The D I know and love is not this person, like you said, scary.

 

Exactly right! The ex I know wouldn't have done this. No matter what they say, it's betrayal. If there is an issue in the relationship they should address it and not run away/ look elsewhere. That solves nothing. It's very scary how they can turn on a dime.

[stlnsmile]

Stlnsmile, thank you so much for your words. I feel like you're reading my mind. I don't know how long it will be before I can truly just be myself, without having to feel the need to prove myself to her. I guess I'm also trying to prove to myself that I'm not someone who is mediocre - that I am strong.

 

I'm angry that I spent my entire twenties with her, and I wanted to be able to look back fondly at those years, but now it is difficult without being reminded of how she betrayed me. I don't know how people can be so reckless and selfish. I go from feeling sad, to enraged. I know that I somehow need to find a way to forgive her, otherwise I'll never let this go.

 

Foolednm, that must be tough to see her. Stay strong.

 

Chrisanderson, it's scary how people change. I'm sure in their minds, they've justified it somehow with twisted logic. They don't feel guilty, because they feel like they are doing it for 'the best'. They just give up, and disregard the feelings of the person who loved them most. My ex says it isn't betrayal, but it sure feels like it.

 

 

I understand the need to proove you are strong....that you have it together, that all the stuff they thought about you is sooo wrong, and any weakness you have, by george your gonna fix it. I get it. When you go through that sort of abuse, and it is abuse, whether it ever seemed like it or not at the time. When you go through that, it takes a long time to sort it out after its over. Its taken me as I said 7 months to really get to the place where I actually feel that I am the healthy person and he was not. Because I was sooo confused....Every time I would think oh Im okay.....then my mind would go back to some perfection that he had and he seemed perfect once again so I must be the messed up crazy one, right!!! But some things I am realizing lately are helping me sooo much. So here is what I want you to do......think of some bad trait of your ex....something that she would have judged you for...like you being in your pajamas when she came over at noon.....whatever.....now think about it.....if she wanted to do that......could she.....was it okay for her? You see, I have been realizing that the exact things that I was being judged for, are the exact things he could do in his life with impunity. And that is how I know it was him judging me, his projection onto me, that I was an imperfect person, while all the while those same imperfections, he was allowed to have...he could stay in his pajamas till noon on Saturday if he wanted to cause darn it he worked hard "I didnt" in his mind.......you see. So I want you to start thinking of her small life things like that.....see if they would have been acceptable to you. It will bring her down about 1000 notches for you, and it helps:):lmao:

[replicator]

I understand the need to proove you are strong....that you have it together, that all the stuff they thought about you is sooo wrong, and any weakness you have, by george your gonna fix it. I get it. When you go through that sort of abuse, and it is abuse, whether it ever seemed like it or not at the time. When you go through that, it takes a long time to sort it out after its over. Its taken me as I said 7 months to really get to the place where I actually feel that I am the healthy person and he was not. Because I was sooo confused....Every time I would think oh Im okay.....then my mind would go back to some perfection that he had and he seemed perfect once again so I must be the messed up crazy one, right!!! But some things I am realizing lately are helping me sooo much. So here is what I want you to do......think of some bad trait of your ex....something that she would have judged you for...like you being in your pajamas when she came over at noon.....whatever.....now think about it.....if she wanted to do that......could she.....was it okay for her? You see, I have been realizing that the exact things that I was being judged for, are the exact things he could do in his life with impunity. And that is how I know it was him judging me, his projection onto me, that I was an imperfect person, while all the while those same imperfections, he was allowed to have...he could stay in his pajamas till noon on Saturday if he wanted to cause darn it he worked hard "I didnt" in his mind.......you see. So I want you to start thinking of her small life things like that.....see if they would have been acceptable to you. It will bring her down about 1000 notches for you, and it helps:):lmao:

 

As always, thank you for your words.

 

Judging by all the supportive and caring people here, it's the good ones who get hurt too often.

[bish]

She is with someone else.. I found out. I think she met him before we broke up.

 

I don't know how to deal with this. I really didn't think it was possible, but I have evidence now. I'm in shock. I don't know how I will ever recover.. Ten years, I gave her unconditional love. How could she do this to me? I'm going to be seriously damaged goods now.

 

No...SHE is damaged goods. Take comfort in the fact that she is someone elses problem now.

[foolednm]

I wish it was that easy to see it that she is someone elses problem now. She is with him every weekend and I see them as laughing and have a great time together and her being different with him than she was with me so he doesn't really know who she is. She did put me through a living hell with her screaming and ignoring me when she got upset for the smallest, dumbest event. She is a total narcissist and everything has to be all about her. She's with this new guy for his money apparently. She is in so much debt it now and she's looking for a sugar daddy. I just hate that she is with him every weekend and screwing and that he is enjoying what was once mine and I adored her with every ounce of my being and now she just freely gives it away to someone else like it isn't special or important. I hate what she has done and who she has become. I really hate her. She really is damaged goods and I don't really want that back now, do I??

[Chris1479]

All of us men have felt this way.

 

The problem here is not because of how it reflects on this girl, but because of how it reflects on our sense of Self. Our very identity.

 

Underlying your feelings are probably several lines of thought, and despite what you would expect, they are not necessarily logical either. Emotions and intellectualism are two different things.

 

There is no reconciliation between them.

E.g. My girlfriend degraded herself, I am her boyfriend, therefore I am also degraded.

My girlfriend slept with many men, therefore as a man and a human being I am not worth being 'waited' for.

My girlfriend, by being with many men, cannot therefore have been loyal. I am now one of those men.

Therefore I am not a man to whom it is worth being loyal.

 

The offshoots of these very fundamental thoughts are: jealousy, pain, anger, neediness. And the offshoots of jealousy or neediness for example are, of course, a constant need for reassurance. This newfound need this implies to our 'Self' that 'I am weak, I need to be supported,' and that 'I cannot live without this person.' This often turns into a cyclical problem, a man spirals into questioning his core values. And thus he asks for more reassurance, the pain loops back into itself.

 

This gathers momentum and beckons us to try.. just one more time.. to find that the 'one perfect answer', that one final rationalisation that will salve our egos. This is the root of our pain.

 

Life is a harsh teacher, it tests you first and teaches you later.

 

Set your parameters, be secure in your core values, stick to your rules. Womens' feelings have a logic, but a logic set in a different context with different ultimate aims. Believe me, women will notice even if they don't know why.

 

On top of all that, just think how much better off you're going to be in the long run without a sh*tstain for a girlfriend.

[oregonbigc]

I am in a very similar situation. This Thread has been very helpful. I know its hard to see it now, but you are better off without her. Easy to say hard to believe.