kizik Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Maybe, as in my case, she'll come to realise how much you mean to her? Please don't put this in his head, Justine. It's always best to assume that the person won't realize his or her mistakes, and will never wake up to the truth of the R. Sound crazy? Not really. We have to be of the mindset that they'll NEVER realize SH*T, rebound boyfriend or not. Besides, say she does realize her mistakes - by that point, do you really think Rep will be willing to hear her out? No, he'll be so steadfast in his resolve that listening to her will not be something he has any desire to do. Point is that once people f*ck up, and don't immediately rectify the situation or repent for their mistakes, we have no obligation to forgive them, or even pay attention to them. Rep's ex has crossed the point of no return with this rebound guy. We all know it won't last, but that doesn't matter - her immediacy towards some superficial hookup is totally revealing in its dependency and lack of sympathy, for Rep, herself, and the new guy. Everyone gets hurt, all in the name of her being afraid to be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
tealeafbud Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 All I can do is take deep breaths, and hope that I will make it through the week. My heart goes out to you replicator. Don't hope you'll make it through the week. Know that you will. Hoping you'll get through this is not an alternative. Knowing and trusting you will is the only option here. I know it's a difficult time, and grieve all you want, but you will get through this difficult time. Reach out to anyone in your family, your circle of friends, your neighboks, strangers. Our human spirits bind us together. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I am SOOOOO furious at your ex on your behalf. Omygosh, I want to call her up and give her a piece of my mind. And I don't even know her. It is definitely sickening when people just hop from relationship to relationship with scarcely a week in between. It is terribly sickening. But you know what? She is cowardly. She is too cowardly to face being alone, and so she just has to jump immediately to the next guy. But seriously, you know what the good thing is about this? You now have just cause to be angry at her. I'm not advocating anger in general, but I think a certain amount of anger is useful (even necessary) in the breakup process, and it was clear from your prior posts that you had yet to experience it. She is not the perfect princess you thought her to be. She was superficial enough to throw away an incredibly loyal guy for the external trappings of 'success' that her parents might approve of. I know you may now be looking at the last ten years as a total mistake, but remember that people change. Maybe she wasn't as deserving of your love at the end as she was in the beginning. The other thing, rep, is remember you are a great guy! A lot of women would kill for a guy as loyal as you. And yes, while it's not 'rational' to care about this bit of news, it is totally understandable and human to feel whatever you're feeling. You can't just snap your fingers and no longer care about someone you've been with for 10 years. I think this is understandably traumatic and it'll take time to get over. Allow yourself emotional expression... but also keep up the distractions during this acute phase... stay healthy... know that whatever you're feeling now will pass eventually, and as hard as it is to imagine, happiness (and love) await you in the future... So sorry Rep....I know, believe me, I know...maybe this is just an indication of what we had been talking about. I mean if my 18 yr. old boyfriend did basically the same thing??? What does that tell you about her maturity level. She's a spoiled parental unit who has no life of her own who needs others to make sure she feels no pain. You are better off with out her. You do not know that now, you won't for a while, but you will KNOW it eventually. Trust me. Big Hug Rep....:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Please don't put this in his head, Justine. It's always best to assume that the person won't realize his or her mistakes, and will never wake up to the truth of the R. Sound crazy? Not really. We have to be of the mindset that they'll NEVER realize SH*T, rebound boyfriend or not. Besides, say she does realize her mistakes - by that point, do you really think Rep will be willing to hear her out? No, he'll be so steadfast in his resolve that listening to her will not be something he has any desire to do. Point is that once people f*ck up, and don't immediately rectify the situation or repent for their mistakes, we have no obligation to forgive them, or even pay attention to them. Rep's ex has crossed the point of no return with this rebound guy. We all know it won't last, but that doesn't matter - her immediacy towards some superficial hookup is totally revealing in its dependency and lack of sympathy, for Rep, herself, and the new guy. Everyone gets hurt, all in the name of her being afraid to be alone. Yup Yup Yup couldn't have said it better myself. Rep is going to be okay, he is going to get over this chick, and when he does, he's going to be ten thousand times stronger than he ever thought he could be...I KNOW THIS FOR SURE:) Link to post Share on other sites
foolednm Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Once again Rep, I think you need someone to tell you So What. Of course I feel for you, like Fox, but feeling pain is a choice of how long we choose to remain in the pain state. So What that she and some guy who doesn't have half the heart you do are together. So What that she's with someone when she's so obviously not ready. So What that you're without a partner while she has one already; you're going to benefit in the end, b/c you've taken the time to reflect. So What. People are not under our control. You do not need to let this affect you as much as you are. I would be a bold-faced liar if I told you that I'd be 100% if I found out my ex was dating again. But when I do find this out, I will shrug. Because I know that I offered her more than he ever could. And she will end up hurting him in the same ways she hurt me. So, So What. Let go. It's not your problem and that is no longer your life. I always hesitate to say these things for fear of sounding insensitive, but the fact is that crying and dwelling over things long dead and done does no one any good, ever. I know I've said it before, but it just kills me that she is with someone, getting laid and apparently happy. She doesn't deserve to be happy, she is mean, cruel, a user, intentionally hurts people and very uppity. She thinks she is queen of the world and nothing about her stinks. She thinks she is absoulutely perfect. How can she have some guy already banging her and going over to her place during the week and on weekends. I hate that she has already moved on and is happy. I hate her so much!! Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 And you have every right to right now. Later on.......much much later on...you won't, you will realize that the only person who is in pain or in trouble is her, NOT YOU. You will realize that the person you thought you loved, was never there to begin with. It was not the real person that you know now. The one sooo capable of hurting others. If someone told you then what you know now, would you date her? Would you make that choice to sacrifice yourself for her? Would you give up soooo much of yourself for her. Nooo, no you wouldn't, because the person that you loved, the one you adored, the one that you believed was there...isn't. That was the person they lead you to believe they were, not the person they really were on the inside. She is not perfect, not any where close, if she were, she would need no one. And maybe this should show you the oposit, she couldn't stand on her own two feet, while you, YOU DID and ARE! Even in this kind of pain, YOU ARE! Somehow. My narcissistic type did the same things too. Because need, hurt, pain....those are all taboo...they are not to be felt. But undernieth is a well of pain and inadiquacy, and you need to understand that on some level it is her inability to be real her complete inability to know herself, that drives her motivations. And that is not going to stop in her life just because you are not there. She WILL do this again to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
foolednm Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Everyone else tells me that she will do this to someone else. Everyone else tells me that she is not truly happy. She sure looks it. She found someone else and is sleeping with him and he seems to be happy as well since he is at her place all the time. It's like she is happier with him than she ever was with me and we were together for almost 9 years! Link to post Share on other sites
FauxVowel Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Everyone else tells me that she will do this to someone else. Everyone else tells me that she is not truly happy. She sure looks it. She found someone else and is sleeping with him and he seems to be happy as well since he is at her place all the time. It's like she is happier with him than she ever was with me and we were together for almost 9 years! Oh man I cant take it anymore i cant read this stuff anymore i cant believe this **** happened to me **** me Link to post Share on other sites
stolenheart123 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Man I totally feel your pain. I experienced something very similar recently. My ex left me after 6 years, one month later she's already saying the same things she said to me to someone else. I've maintained strict NC, but there came a turning point for me. I realized that i needed to find who I was again, I needed to rely on me and not need anyone for anything. Being with her I lost who I was, and although it hurt when she left me and began seeing someone else, the truth is, sometimes seeing her in a different light is what you need to get over her. Time is your only friend, and although you may feel like your dying, like your heart has been shattered, and you cant sleep, in time you will slowly feel better. Find something to occupy your time and just put your heart and soul into it. But do take some time to reflect and grieve, but dont obsess about it. The love you feel for her wont fade over night, but in time you will become alot stronger and the pain will fade. Stay strong Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I think if you read some of my past posts, you will see, that the pain I expirienced was much similar to yours. When I found out I was absolutely devistated. It set me back for two weeks. I was inconsolable. I was in shock....I just couldn't believe it. And I had all the same feelings....that I ment nothing. But now I am 4 months out from that point, and I can tell you, the pain will ease, and you will come to a new place, and this new place will help you get over her for good. You need to give yourself time to process what just happened and grieve. Link to post Share on other sites
foolednm Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Stolen and Smile, I hope you guys ar right. I am in total turmoil and heartbreak and disappointment. She did have fooled and I gave her everything I had and I totally loved her to no end. Now, she is with someone else, kissing and laughing and of course spreading her legs with some guy she has only known a month or so. I hate her for what she has done and how fast she has moved on and I hate her for what she has done to me, and continues to do...the sad thing is, that she doesn't even know what I am going through and of course she wouldn't care even if she did know. It's so funny how a woman can turn their emotions on and off like a water faucet. It's scary actually. Link to post Share on other sites
stolenheart123 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 The saddest thing is being lied to. I believe my ex said "i love u" to me but didnt really mean it. She moved on so quickly, today I found out she got dumped by her "rebound." Time helps you adjust to accepting things. Everything becomes clearer and although your heart is broken into millions of pieces, each day will restore it. It wont be easy, some days you will feel like crap, but other days you will regain the most important thing, and thats yourself. You have to live your life as if she doesnt care, because in reality as of right now she doesnt. You have to now focus on you. It will hurt like hell for the first two weeks. If you have a hard time sleeping I used tylenol pm it did help me. Try to eat something and no matter what stick to NC so you can heal. Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Don't genderize the turning off of emotions thing....cause the exact same thing was done to me by a man. And I can't turn my emotions off even when I want to. I think it is a dumper issue unfortunately. I know you will get past this in time. You will not be okay with it, Im not okay with what my ex did, I still think it sucks and was shi**Y, buuutttt, I also don't care anymore. And you will get to that place.....that you really don't care anymore. I've had one momentary sting...on the 4th of July as a matter of fact....but before that and since, Im doing fine. You will get over her......just give yourself some time.....let yourself feel all of these feelings and know they are normal and okay.....and that they will end, eventually, at least in the white hot rage form that they are taking now. They will turn to general distain. And then gratitude you are not with her anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 The saddest thing is being lied to. I believe my ex said "i love u" to me but didnt really mean it. She moved on so quickly, today I found out she got dumped by her "rebound." . Ahhh, why can't that happen to meeeee...whyyyyyy? Ahhh...oh well...ha...thats my life:) You are soooo lucky:) Not that I want him back:) Link to post Share on other sites
critter909 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I feel for you too. Almost 10 year R. Found out he was talking to some girl the week after we broke up. It really set me off and I confronted him about it, wanting to know if he cheated while we were together because how the hell did he already meet someone. He claims he didn't cheat and wasn't even sleeping with this one. I almost wish he told me he was just so I could completely write him off. I feel like asking him about it again just to get that reminder of why I need to move on. Thinking about him with someone else absolutly kills me, I wake up out of a dead sleep in the middle of the night thinking about it. Even now writing this I feel the weight on my chest and am struggling to keep my calm. So I'm torn as to whether it's good to know or not. In a way it should help you move on, there is no hope left, she is done with you. My thoughts are with you, I feel your pain, hang in there, keep busy. Time will heal our wounds. Link to post Share on other sites
foolednm Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 And you have every right to right now. Later on.......much much later on...you won't, you will realize that the only person who is in pain or in trouble is her, NOT YOU. You will realize that the person you thought you loved, was never there to begin with. It was not the real person that you know now. The one sooo capable of hurting others. If someone told you then what you know now, would you date her? Would you make that choice to sacrifice yourself for her? Would you give up soooo much of yourself for her. Nooo, no you wouldn't, because the person that you loved, the one you adored, the one that you believed was there...isn't. That was the person they lead you to believe they were, not the person they really were on the inside. She is not perfect, not any where close, if she were, she would need no one. And maybe this should show you the oposit, she couldn't stand on her own two feet, while you, YOU DID and ARE! Even in this kind of pain, YOU ARE! Somehow. My narcissistic type did the same things too. Because need, hurt, pain....those are all taboo...they are not to be felt. But undernieth is a well of pain and inadiquacy, and you need to understand that on some level it is her inability to be real her complete inability to know herself, that drives her motivations. And that is not going to stop in her life just because you are not there. She WILL do this again to someone else. I just saw her in the local cafe having lunch with a girlfriend. I don't think she saw me, but when I saw her, I was SOOO attracted to her and I wanted to go to her and talk to her. I wanted to touch her and kiss her so much. I did none of the above. I looked at her for about 20 seconds, saw her laughing and I walked away. I want her so bad, but after she's been with this other guy, I know I don't want her anymore. But I am SOO attracted to her, she makes me melt. I love her so much, but of course, now I hate her as well. I want to believe that she really isn't happy with this other guy, that it is just her narcissistic need for someone to fill the void, and I want to believe that she does feel inadequate and that she will do it to someone else. I truly loved her so much but now I know I can't and shouldn't, but it is so damn hard to let her go. I hate her but I want her. Pretty screwed up huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy.S Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 foolednm, I feel the same way. It sucks so bad. Life is too hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author replicator Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 So I made it through the day. Probably one of the darkest days of my life. Unable to sort out my thoughts. I just got home and laid on the bed for a few hours, but it felt like an eternity. I do need to get through this, but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I feel like I wasted a third of my life on her. Do people recover from being so emotionally wrecked from betrayal? I hate to post here when I can't say much positive things. I'm just hanging on at the moment, by what feels like a thread. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 It's not a problem to be posting how wrecked you feel. It's a huge part of getting over an emotional trauma. Post exactly how you feel Rep. When there is something positive to post- you can post it. In the meantime, it's helpful to lay all your emotions and experiences out on the table. Link to post Share on other sites
Author replicator Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 It's not a problem to be posting how wrecked you feel. It's a huge part of getting over an emotional trauma. Post exactly how you feel Rep. When there is something positive to post- you can post it. In the meantime, it's helpful to lay all your emotions and experiences out on the table. Thanks for your support D-Lish. I do realize now that she is a true narcissist, and she always made me feel inadequate. I struggle with that feeling that I was replaced because I didn't meet the grade, and now she found someone who has all the things I lacked. I feel competitive with her now, as if I need to show her that she was wrong. I thought I had true love, but love is such bull****. The worst lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author replicator Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 If I hadn't have found out, then I would have been where I was.. I was making good progress, though still wanting her. When I first found out, I was so enraged. So broken up, like I wanted to die right there on the spot. I wanted to find her and yell at her, and show her how much she ****ed up my life. What is the difference of knowing or not? Nothing really changes for me, she left me. Now, I need to gather my ****ing thoughts, realize what I lost, but what I still have. Even if what I have is crap compared to where she is in life, it is no excuse for me to give up. No excuse for me to relegate the rest of my life to one of mediocrity and depression. **** that. Even if I am alone, I'm going to go down fighting. We're all so ****ing insignificant, and we're all going to die any ways. In the end, we'll all reap what we sow. Link to post Share on other sites
LikeCharlotte Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I feel so damn worthless. As if my self-esteem wasn't low enough.I am so sorry to hear all of this. I know how confused and hurt you have been. Nothing I can say will help right now. At least you know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Thanks for your support D-Lish. I do realize now that she is a true narcissist, and she always made me feel inadequate. I struggle with that feeling that I was replaced because I didn't meet the grade, and now she found someone who has all the things I lacked. I feel competitive with her now, as if I need to show her that she was wrong. I thought I had true love, but love is such bull****. The worst lie. Sometimes it is... It's not all a wasted experience though. I thought I had wasted many years with my ex husband initially... but so many of those experiences make up the person I am today- both the bad and the good. You never have to show her SHE was wrong... You're better off proving to yourself that all those things I highlighted from your post aren't true. When you start believing them to be true- you'll make them true. I made a huge mistake of internalizing my ex bf's issues as my own. He was the first person I dated after my husband that I had something serious with. He was a mysogynist, and when he broke up with me he spewed so much venom in my direction that I believed myself to be all the nasty things he accused me of. It's taken me a good two years to come to terms with that and heal myself. Never let another person define who you are or what your worth as a human being is. You're the only one that can define that. As much as I think it's important for you to deal with the pain associated with the break up- I think it's dangerous to fall into that trap of negative thinking about yourself. You can accept that the relationship is over without having to accept that you are unloveable because of the break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author replicator Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 Well, I've done enough crying today. I am beginning to see that I was holding onto hope, and now I know I need to move on. There is no point lashing out at her. It won't change anything. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, but she did. In time, I'll forgive her. I'm going to be okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Peter_pan Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 keep your head up man. be strong. that, that dosnt kill you will make you stronger Link to post Share on other sites
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