Why am I so insecure

[stepheine]

My Fiance proposed to me in March, and we have sit the date to get married in Jan. Everything is scheduled for the most part. It just seems that in March and April he was so excited about telling everyone about the engagement and planning things with me and now he just says that since our wedding is not until January there is not much to do right now or really talk about. He is right but at times I get insecure that what if Jan comes and he changes his mind about marrying me.

 

We have moved in with one another and combined our finances. For the most part we are happy but lately. My biggest concern is that for the last year we have done everything together, every evening we have been inseperable and talking about our futuere together. But here lately he is focusing on his career and more ok with doing things he is interested in even if I am not like playing computer games rather than watching tv with me. He is not being mean to me in anyway and he still does spend time with me but it just isn't the same. I know he still cares and loves me but is it going stagnant or is this normal? Do I have anything to worry about? He does do a lot for me and he is there for me, he got me a beautiful engagement ring!! But could he be loving me less, it seems like before he was so crazy about me and even if he didn't feel like doing something he would never think to tell me so, now it seems he is more welling to say no to me about doing certain things. I asked him if he was getting cold feet and he said no, that he plans on walking down the isle with me in January and that everything is planned for the most part and he will be there for whatever he needs to do. Also we have gotten in to a few arguements where he stood his ground which also made me feel insecure. He says, It upsets him that I am insecure because we are getting married and I should be very secure. I ask him if he wants to still marry me and this he says upsets him because I should not have to ask, I should just know. Is it just me????

[J2FT1]

The problem about being inseperable is that people will tend to expect that ALL the time, Which is impossible. You should learn to do things that makes you happy; a hobby, a persuit of a personal goal, etc. For example, games are a hobby of his.

 

The other reason for this change in behavior is that he's "done." Since, he marrying you, he feels that the job of finding a mate is gone (which it is). Obviously you two should still spend quality time together but do not expect him to do everything with you like before. He will very much still love you as much as he did before you two were married. I hope this helps.

[georgejungle]

I don't agree with the idea that he's "DONE" just because

you guys are getting married. It could just be that he needs

time for himself and that's not a bad thing. Me and my wife are

like you and your guy, inseperable most of the time. Sometimes,

i just need to be in the other room not watching TV, playing

music or keyboards, or whatever. Doesn't mean I don't love her

any less it's just that I feel like doing those things sometimes.

 

I do agree that you asking him if he STILL wants to marry you

could get a little annoying. Apologies, but it can. I have experience

with that and it would bother me. My wife is on the insecure side

as well, i tell her i love her tons and do many things for her, but

she's still insecure and will ask me sometimes if i love her. Hurts

my feelings sometimes because i don't know how much more I

can tell her. She knows I do, she just gets insecure about herself.

 

I was very very excited about our wedding, but my wife was more

excited about it and well, girls are more into that kinda stuff than

guys are. If i wasn't 100% estatic about picking out a certain

centerpiece, she'd get bummed out. It doesn't mean that I wasn't

looking foward to our wedding, it's just that it didn't matter to me.

Whatever 'you' want hunny! That's not my kinda thing.

 

If he's not being mean to you in any way and he still spends time

with you, i wouldn't worry about it. If he's out every other night or

starts doing a lot of things without you, then i'd worry. But if he's

just the same but taking time to kinda unwind on his own, don't

worry about it. He asked you to marry him, so he obviously loves

you. Try to relax and try some positive thinking. Don't go searching

for bad signs or things that most likely aren't even there. Relax.

Try not to ask him things like "Do you still Love Me" or "Do you still

want to marry me"...they can come off as too needy.

 

Congrats on the engagement!

[reservoirdog1]

I'm not saying you aren't doing this -- I don't know if you are or not -- but WHATEVER you do, make sure you give him some space and time in your relationship to have his own pursuits and interests (i.e. non-work, non-home). Two nights a week should be totally permissible. WHATEVER you do, make sure that those two nights don't provoke fights between the two of you. Marriage is a partnership, but it's a partnership of two individuals. Even if those individuals share the same larger life goals (which they must, in order to have a successful relationship) each has their own "sub-goals" and each has to be allowed the space to work towards them.

 

You need to accept that his desire to play computer games, see his buddies, etc. is NOT a rejection of time spent with you. I think some women in relationships fall into this trap -- "you'd rather be with your friends than with me" -- and see that desire on the part of their husband/boyfriend as a rejection. They see it as a zero-sum game: if those activities win out for a particular chunk of time, the relationship loses. That's a VERY unhealthy way of looking at it, and it will cause fights and breed resentment in the long run -- and possibly cost you the relationship. You CAN'T look at it that way.

 

By having "him" time, he will be a more loving and dedicated partner. He was his own person before he met you, and he still is -- but now he's partnered with you. The solution is for you to have YOUR own interests as well, that don't involve him.

[Surf2008]

This is normal and natural. The fact that he is starting to do his own thing, means he loves you more than ever and even more important that he feels comfortable and supported. It doesn't sound like he ignores you or does thing without you knowing it. It sound like he is a normal guy and a good one at that. The worst thing you could do at this time is try to impose time together. The feelings that you are feeling are normal and natural, but they are based on fear, not love. Love provides a wide birth. Fear, constricts and controls. Its ok to be afraid, but its not ok to let that fear rule your decsions.