Got an E-mail from MM's W

[PG Love]

I got an E-mail from MM's W, should I respond or leave it be?

 

They have been separated for several weeks and she knows all about me. She sent me an e-mail to lay out all of this "best" qualities and his past affairs. She said she just wanted to give me a heads up. I really want to respond and just say thanks for the heads up because she seems like she just needs some kind of closure. Not sure of her intentions or what mine would be but I feel like I need to say something.

 

Should I or shouldn't I?

[luvmy2ns]

I got an E-mail from MM's W, should I respond or leave it be?

 

They have been separated for several weeks and she knows all about me. She sent me an e-mail to lay out all of this "best" qualities and his past affairs. She said she just wanted to give me a heads up. I really want to respond and just say thanks for the heads up because she seems like she just needs some kind of closure. Not sure of her intentions or what mine would be but I feel like I need to say something.

 

Should I or shouldn't I?

 

Are you planning to be with this guy now? I would certainly be interested in the "past affairs" thing. You know you've only heard one side of the story that is their marriage - and from the cheater.

 

I don't know about e-mailing back though. Maybe a little sleuthing on your own with the information she provided...?

[PG Love]

Yes, I am still with him. He has been open and honest about his past, but there are a few things that we will need to discuss from the e-mail she sent. I know that I have heard one side of the story, but now I do have the other side and they pretty much match up.

 

I also know that she is putting the worst possible spin on things that she can, but still with some truth. I have an e-mail waiting, but I am just not sure if I should send it.

[porter218]

Go ahead and send the email. It does sound like she needs some closure, and that is the least you can do.It sounds like she is handling this situation as maturely as she can and is probably in a lot of pain. Sometimes a BW needs to know that the OW was a decent person too, that her H at least still had good taste. In a strange way it hurts a little less that way. When my H had a full blown affair it was important to get a little of an idea what type of person she was, because it would have been insulting if he betrayed me with trash(it would make me feel like trash). I would thank the W for the email and wish her well.

[SerenityX2]

PG

 

I know you are in love with him now, but wide open eyes now may save you a ton of pain later.

 

If these things do match up, I'd be especially wary of the past affairS (pleural) what makes you think that will change?

 

She really may be trying to spare you grief down the road, there are decent people in the world, then again she may be vindictive.

 

Either way, instead of an email (which can be misconstrued) what about seeing if she will meet with you?

 

She opened the door a crack, I'd be willing to walk through it. There's his story, her story and somewhere in between the truth. But in a past cheater's hx it would benefit you to learn all you can...then make your decision.

 

btw I wouldn't tell him a thing, he will only spin it for his best light to shine.

 

Peace

[PG Love]

So here is what I have written to her, what do you think?

 

Name

I just read your e-mail, I don't use this account very often.

 

I wasn't sure rather to respond or not, but I guess I feel that there are certain things that have still been left unsaid, so here we are. I am still unsure what your intentions are and I have no bad intentions by responding to you.

 

Without being sarcastic or condescending I want to say thank you for the heads up; I [FONT=fmisspellt]truly[/FONT] appreciate the things you have laid out here. I know that I am not the first and I may not be the last. I am sorry for the way things have gone for you and I wish things could have been different involving me. Overall X has been open and honest about his past and if I choose to continue then it may be my mistake. I am sorry for those involved that have gotten hurt, especially my children and X's son. Looking back you are right, if there were problems then they should have been dealt with before X and I got involved. I didn't intend for this to happen, actually it was the [FONT=fmisspellt]last[/FONT] thing on my mind. I know that you have your own opinions of me, but I did not seek out to destroy anything between you and X. My husband and I had our own serious problems and they could have been dealt with better as well, but that's all water under the bridge now. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me and I have taken and will continue to take everything you said into consideration. I must say though, that I have to see for myself where this will lead. I have already taken the steps to get this far so I need to see it through because I do love him.

 

 

We live too far away to meet in person.

 

I don't know that he will change, but I have to believe he will if I love him. He has had past affairs that have been 10+ years ago, but so have I so how can I judge him for the same things that I have done. I know that

[quankanne]

now that you've put your thoughts into words, destroy the damned thing. She might think she wants to hear back from you, and you may feel you have a responsibility to reply, but don't.

 

She's trying to make sense of her husband's betrayal, she's assessing your character all the while warning you of what you've just inherited. Basically, she's exorcising her demons. The kindest thing you can do is to just let it be.

[porter218]

So here is what I have written to her, what do you think?

 

Name

I just read your e-mail, I don't use this account very often.

 

I wasn't sure rather to respond or not, but I guess I feel that there are certain things that have still been left unsaid, so here we are. I am still unsure what your intentions are and I have no bad intentions by responding to you.

 

Without being sarcastic or condescending I want to say thank you for the heads up; I [FONT=fmisspellt]truly[/FONT] appreciate the things you have laid out here. I know that I am not the first and I may not be the last. I am sorry for the way things have gone for you and I wish things could have been different involving me. Overall X has been open and honest about his past and if I choose to continue then it may be my mistake. I am sorry for those involved that have gotten hurt, especially my children and X's son. Looking back you are right, if there were problems then they should have been dealt with before X and I got involved. I didn't intend for this to happen, actually it was the [FONT=fmisspellt]last[/FONT] thing on my mind. I know that you have your own opinions of me, but I did not seek out to destroy anything between you and X. My husband and I had our own serious problems and they could have been dealt with better as well, but that's all water under the bridge now. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me and I have taken and will continue to take everything you said into consideration. I must say though, that I have to see for myself where this will lead. I have already taken the steps to get this far so I need to see it through because I do love him.

 

 

We live too far away to meet in person.

 

I don't know that he will change, but I have to believe he will if I love him. He has had past affairs that have been 10+ years ago, but so have I so how can I judge him for the same things that I have done. I know that

All good except the part I bolded, It makes it sound like you are being exactly that.

[noforgiveness]

This letter sounds like nothing more than it's not my fault it just happened. blah blah blah. Don't fool yourself into thinking you are writing it for her.

[OWoman]

This letter sounds like nothing more than it's not my fault it just happened. blah blah blah. Don't fool yourself into thinking you are writing it for her.

 

... any more than the BW is writing it out of kindness to the OW. She's in all likelihood trying to poison the well since she herself can no longer drink from it.

 

If I were to respond - and chances are I wouldn't - I'd simply say, thanks for the mail, it ties up nicely with what MM said so thanks for confirming that I can trust him and that he has nothing more to hide.

 

 

But that's me...

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I wouldn't write her... There is nothing you can say that will make things any better. She will do better than hear from you ever.

 

 

DNR

[Meaplus3]

I think you should just simply leave this alone. I don't see how sending it will give her any closure. Seems like she is fully aware that her H has had past affairs.. what more does she need to know?

 

AP:)

[Lookingforward]

what I don't understand is the mindset that prompts a stbxW or exW to send an email to the OW in the first place

[luvmy2ns]

... thanks for confirming that I can trust him and that he has nothing more to hide.

 

Only time will tell, but I think he'll cheat on her too.

[noforgiveness]

Only time will tell, but I think he'll cheat on her too.

 

:laugh:yep she got the prize. A serial cheater and she knows he's a serial cheater and she's ok with that.

[noforgiveness]

ooops forgot to add but she's different. He really loves her and would never lie to her.

[nadiaj2727]

:laugh:yep she got the prize. A serial cheater and she knows he's a serial cheater and she's ok with that.

 

Is she though? She says things like "I know I might not be the last" and "I may find out I'm making a mistake..."

 

I hope she sends it because it shows what the wife was probably hoping-- that the OW knows MM's true character and fears it. If I got that letter I'd be like, "well, good, at least she knows what she's in for and I know I'm better than that and she doesn't, yet."

 

I think the wife is better off without this serial cheater, he won't change unless he does a LOT of deep thinking and self-reflection, usually best done ALONE and not while jumping from one relationship to the next as a source of escaping himself. I think the wife realizes that and it will make her feel better that the OW knows she's settling for the booby prize.

[noforgiveness]

what I don't understand is the mindset that prompts a stbxW or exW to send an email to the OW in the first place

 

 

I have read numerous times on infidelity boards where the stbxw feels badly for the YOUNG unknowing ow. Many ask should I warn her? Many have said this poor woman is only twentysomething and mr. forty year old charmer is going to end up crushing her. At the point of numerous ow's the stxw doesn't care about the ow sleeping with her husband she just wants to be rid of him. Many women have COMPASSION for other women (as in women in general not ow's) and do not want them to live the same fate as them.

[SerenityX2]

what I don't understand is the mindset that prompts a stbxW or exW to send an email to the OW in the first place

 

 

ITA!!!

 

Personally I would not. For one, I could have cared less once I had the proof, on anything about her or them. Second the liklihood she would have believed me would have been slim to none.

 

Although since my exh was prone to violence, I did struggle back then with what if he goes too far? Was it my duty to warn her? In the end I said nothing, they split 6 years later and he went through 5 more before marrying again, for spite and money. He never stayed long enough with the next few for the violent streak to come out...his current wife? Who knows, but I'm sure she can handle herself.

 

I always said though, if any of his exes ever ask me anything, I will not lie. However I will not just come out with the past...let sleeping dogs lie. One of his girlfriends did initiatte calling me from time to time. She was sweet albeit always showering me with compliments which I really thought was odd...however as I got to know her she had big time insecurity but nonetheless too good for him, of course he let her go when he found someone else less demanding.

 

I was happy for her, in all our talks she never asked anything blunt, so I never told her...never saw the point, what they had isn't what we had...however I do still see his character traits are still present, although not all cheaters are the same I realize.

 

I saw an exhausted look in his current wife's face a couple years ago, when we tried to all get together inc my husband to make a plan for what was best for DS. Exh even embarrassed her, and I came to her defense, he shot me a look...It didn't last for us to become this "team." Just as well I guess. I feel sorry for her, but I think she thought she could change him.

 

Anyway, since he's a P.I. he used to tell me when wives would find out about mistresses they usually were obsessively curious about "everything" even down to what kind of perfume they wore! So who knows why people do the things they do?

 

All I knew is when I went through it... they weren't me and I was damn happy in the end to be "me". But for some, insecurity is a motivating factor.

 

Interesting q though LF, I guess it would depend on the tone of the email if she were sincere or snide.

[nadiaj2727]

I have read numerous times on infidelity boards where the stbxw feels badly for the YOUNG unknowing ow. Many ask should I warn her? Many have said this poor woman is only twentysomething and mr. forty year old charmer is going to end up crushing her. At the point of numerous ow's the stxw doesn't care about the ow sleeping with her husband she just wants to be rid of him. Many women have COMPASSION for other women (as in women in general not ow's) and do not want them to live the same fate as them.

 

Yeah many of them pity women who could be conned into sleeping with someone who obviously only cares about himself. Once the wife realizes her husband is such a cheater and a liar she thinks, either this poor girl doesn't realize what she's gotten herself into, or there must be something wrong with her that she desires this kind of man.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

what I don't understand is the mindset that prompts a stbxW or exW to send an email to the OW in the first place

 

It takes one with morals and good judgment (not perfect judgment, because no one has it) and a heart to understand these things. Especially if you have been cheated on and the fool was brought to your attention and accessibility.

 

 

DNR

Now who is the one who does not understand the need for support?

[mopar crazy]

what I don't understand is the mindset that prompts a stbxW or exW to send an email to the OW in the first place

 

TBH, I contacted the xOW b/c I honestly didn't believe the rumors of their A. I also never thought my H would cheat on me. I thought she should know that ppl were spreading the rumors JIC it did get back to her H. She thought it was funny and just laughed.

 

I called her twice b/c the rumors continued. Well, I found out the rumors were actually the truth when her own H showed up on my doorstep one day. We had a long talk. He knew a lot more than I did. The next phone call I made to her wasn't so friendly and she hung up on me w/o saying a word.

 

To answer the OP question, as a BW I would feel that if you didn't email me back you wouldn't give a ***** how I felt and therefore ignored it. If you don't care how the BW feels, don't want anything to do w/ her, then I wouldn't send her a reply.

[EnigmaXOXO]

now that you've put your thoughts into words, destroy the damned thing. She might think she wants to hear back from you, and you may feel you have a responsibility to reply, but don't.

 

She's trying to make sense of her husband's betrayal, she's assessing your character all the while warning you of what you've just inherited. Basically, she's exorcising her demons. The kindest thing you can do is to just let it be.

 

This piece of good, sound advice is an absolute gem.

 

PG ... it wouldn’t matter if she gave you the addresses, first and last names of all the women he was (or was not) involved with. Your mind frame is such that you either wouldn’t want to believe it, or you’d excuse away any and all indiscretions as a means to convince yourself that it’s in no way a reflection of the man you have come to know and love. Your feelings for him right now just wouldn’t allow you to accept it. You’ve already made up your mind that none of it matters.

 

I don't know that he will change, but I have to believe he will if I love him. He has had past affairs that have been 10+ years ago, but so have I so how can I judge him for the same things that I have done.

 

In light of this, I just can’t see what good it would do to continue an exchange of information, phony niceties and under-handed snipes with his wife in an attempt to sweeten the pot. This is just one of those life lessons you’re going to have to live and learn on your own. The less drama for everyone, the sooner it will finally come to a close.

[Lookingforward]

It takes one with morals and good judgment (not perfect judgment, because no one has it) and a heart to understand these things. Especially if you have been cheated on and the fool was brought to your attention and accessibility.

 

 

DNR

Now who is the one who does not understand the need for support?

 

support from the MMs stbx ? what airy fairy land do you live in anyway ?

 

I mentioned this BOARD is for support.......

[pelicanpreacher]

Yes, I am still with him. He has been open and honest about his past, but there are a few things that we will need to discuss from the e-mail she sent. I know that I have heard one side of the story, but now I do have the other side and they pretty much match up.

 

I also know that she is putting the worst possible spin on things that she can, but still with some truth. I have an e-mail waiting, but I am just not sure if I should send it.

 

As opposed to his best possible spin?! Unless you've been able to secure independent 3rd party verification on what either of them tells you the only things you can rely on is your gut and moral compass. The fact that you're involved in an affair say's your moral compass is already on the fritz so you're down to 50% capacity on your internal truth assessment rescources.

 

I think you owe her the same open mind you surrendered to him when you started your affair so that you can obtain every bit of information you can about the man you profess to love. In furtherence of your research I would suggest that you run a credit and background check on both parties so that you have an independent assessment of what type of people they are and who the truth is most likely to come from.