bentnotbroken Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 what I don't understand is the mindset that prompts a stbxW or exW to send an email to the OW in the first place Probably the same mindset that allows a woman to fall for a MM, a delusional one. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 It all depends, this is a crazy world full of possibilities. And that is why I never deal with absolutes when it comes to the human mind, heart, and capabilities. Only to what is right or wrong. And there are lots of cases where the ex of the partner once the marriage was over, have befriend and keep in contact with the new spouse even though it was one that the ex had an affair with. These are the rare few couples who were able to have an amicable divorce that included children. As to what fairy land I live in. It is one where one thinks about their actions before they do them. They stop and think are my actions causing harm to others or making a bad situation worst. A place where one does not use love as an excuse to do what is wrong. You want directions? DNR Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 It all depends, this is a crazy world full of possibilities. And that is why I never deal with absolutes when it comes to the human mind, heart, and capabilities. Only to what is right or wrong. And there are lots of cases where the ex of the partner once the marriage was over, have befriend and keep in contact with the new spouse even though it was one that the ex had an affair with. These are the rare few couples who were able to have an amicable divorce that included children. As to what fairy land I live in. It is one where one thinks about their actions before they do them. They stop and think are my actions causing harm to others or making a bad situation worst. A place where one does not use love as an excuse to do what is wrong. You want directions? DNR No thanks - I'm fine where I am amongst others less perfect than you apparently Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 No thanks - I'm fine where I am amongst others less perfect than you apparently Again with the perfect? How does one actively trying to do what is right for one's self, while making sure his or her actions does not themselves or others perfection? How is stopping and thinking on such actions and determining if they will and making a choice rather or not to do it, takes me out of the real of reality? And if anyone can show me in the definition of love where it says it causes one to do that which is harmful to one's self or others. I would be more than happy to entertain the idea that party members of an affair are in the right. But, you know what... I notice when I bring such things up, those who seem so righteous in their wrongs don't answer that. Yet, I can stand up and answer such questions with confidence and boldness. I have stopped expecting such from those who do wrong and think they have an argument. DNR And that is not perfection, but enlightenment. And that is the only way I try to approach people from. I have my imperfections that I boldly address so that I can boldly address my convictions. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Again with the perfect? How does one actively trying to do what is right for one's self, while making sure his or her actions does not themselves or others perfection? How is stopping and thinking on such actions and determining if they will and making a choice rather or not to do it, takes me out of the real of reality? And if anyone can show me in the definition of love where it says it causes one to do that which is harmful to one's self or others. I would be more than happy to entertain the idea that party members of an affair are in the right. But, you know what... I notice when I bring such things up, those who seem so righteous in their wrongs don't answer that. Yet, I can stand up and answer such questions with confidence and boldness. I have stopped expecting such from those who do wrong and think they have an argument. DNR And that is not perfection, but enlightenment. And that is the only way I try to approach people from. I have my imperfections that I boldly address so that I can boldly address my convictions. Love never fails Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 But you know what... Someone reminded me of something today... I hear talks about me and people like me who stand strongly opposed to those who play the role of the other person as haters and bitter... Something came to me... Like the adulterer or adulteress who know they are doing wrong and want to and delude themselves into thinking their partner of doing the same thing uses similar tactics to hide their infidelities. And so, the other person who has been wronged (not only by the married person, but realizing they betrayed themselves) become like trapped wolves who, don't want to anyone to help it get out of the trap (in essence this would equate that person not accepting responsibility for their own bad behavior and poor choices) nor anyone to help it out of the trap, it snaps and growls and tries to attack those who get to close to it (in this case it would be the situation of being involved in an illicit affair). Some wolves eventually wind up tearing their leg off fighting and so they die of blood loss or carry the permanent wound of their action in the form of a missing leg (in the case of the other person, it might be an inability to fully trust and love again normally). Other wolves accept the help and are freed and though hurt, the wound gets nursed and its effects usually fade away (as with those who accept what they did was wrong moved out of the situation and found the love they desired and loved from a man who was not married). Of course I know a lot of people will not agree with this analogy, but, it is something worth thinking about, especially when dealing with some of the comments here. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Love never fails Say that to the majority of relationships based on such illicit acts that never become what the adulterous pair swore up and down would happen. I wonder what the millions this happen to would say in hindsight? Heck, you can even read in the posts here. But, I do agree with you on one part, love never fails... When love is acquired in the appropriate way. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I loved "Dances With Wolves".... Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I loved "Dances With Wolves".... the pas de deux in the tutus ? no wait....that was disney.....nm Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Say that to the majority of relationships based on such illicit acts that never become what the adulterous pair swore up and down would happen. I wonder what the millions this happen to would say in hindsight? Heck, you can even read in the posts here. But, I do agree with you on one part, love never fails... When love is acquired in the appropriate way. DNR repeat after me DNR - LOVE is LOVE is LOVE and as I said LOVE NEVER FAILS Who are you to be the judge of what is or is not love ? Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Say that to the majority of relationships based on such illicit acts that never become what the adulterous pair swore up and down would happen. I wonder what the millions this happen to would say in hindsight? Heck, you can even read in the posts here. But, I do agree with you on one part, love never fails... When love is acquired in the appropriate way. DNR We all get that, we do, BUT, until you find yourself amck dab in the middle of something like this, and if you say you never would, then youre a liar.. I believe you never have, so in all due respect, your "judgemental tone" is out of line.. and again, I mean this "respectfully", so I hope you can have respect for people that find themselves in this place of "support".. Nobody comes here to brag about their relationships, they come here wuite troubled... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Hello allow me to introduce myself, I am bentnotbroken and I am a "liar":rolleyes:. I won't be in one of those situations, that isn't my a weakness for me. But I do have other weaknesses. I would never say that I won't go to jail, my temper says otherwise. I won't say that I will never overeat, my emotionally eating says otherwise. It is clear that we are all of different opinions on being the OP, but the truth is some people will never be op, just like some people will never be pedophiles,or druggies, or an abuser. It is all about your weaknesses. Yours are different than mine. Dont' get so upset when someone does say never. For some people never is just that never. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Hello allow me to introduce myself, I am bentnotbroken and I am a "liar":rolleyes:. I won't be in one of those situations, that isn't my a weakness for me. But I do have other weaknesses. I would never say that I won't go to jail, my temper says otherwise. I won't say that I will never overeat, my emotionally eating says otherwise. It is clear that we are all of different opinions on being the OP, but the truth is some people will never be op, just like some people will never be pedophiles,or druggies, or an abuser. It is all about your weaknesses. Yours are different than mine. Dont' get so upset when someone does say never. For some people never is just that never. fair enough... but I find a little frustration with folks that come to these threads "talking down" to others... I definately was a man who DID say that I would NEVER get into a relationship with a MW, NEVER, EVER!! But here I am.... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 fair enough... but I find a little frustration with folks that come to these threads "talking down" to others... I definately was a man who DID say that I would NEVER get into a relationship with a MW, NEVER, EVER!! But here I am.... I understand that. I am a person who said I would never ever do drugs, I don't do drugs, even when offered the opportunity. I have never had a ONS, because I said I wouldn't. Even when the guy was hot and I was bothered. That just isn't my weakness, or temptation if you will. What you see as talking down to someone, maybe a response to how the op came off to the responding poster. You can't assume that everyone interpretes things the same way you do, and vica versa. I am sure there are things that you have said that you would never do, and you haven't been tempted because of your commitment to that promise you made yourself. We all have, just on different things. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I understand that. I am a person who said I would never ever do drugs, I don't do drugs, even when offered the opportunity. I have never had a ONS, because I said I wouldn't. Even when the guy was hot and I was bothered. That just isn't my weakness, or temptation if you will. What you see as talking down to someone, maybe a response to how the op came off to the responding poster. You can't assume that everyone interpretes things the same way you do, and vica versa. I am sure there are things that you have said that you would never do, and you haven't been tempted because of your commitment to that promise you made yourself. We all have, just on different things. yes, that is true.. I have never done drugs either, and MY big one is that I NEVER have smoked one cigarette, not one, because I made the choice when I was a kid (my parents did and it disgusted me, and now they will both die from it, because they are..) But LOVE, man, when it gets wrapped around you like it can, when it's the last thing youre expecting, and it completly takes you by suprise, well, I dont believe there is anybody on this earth that can fight that fight... I am sorry if I seem to come across as people should see things "my way", because I am not that type of person.. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 yes, that is true.. I have never done drugs either, and MY big one is that I NEVER have smoked one cigarette, not one, because I made the choice when I was a kid (my parents did and it disgusted me, and now they will both die from it, because they are..) But LOVE, man, when it gets wrapped around you like it can, when it's the last thing youre expecting, and it completly takes you by suprise, well, I dont believe there is anybody on this earth that can fight that fight... I am sorry if I seem to come across as people should see things "my way", because I am not that type of person.. I guess it is how each person views love. Like I have said before, I view life as black and white. And I believe if someone is truly in love with me, they won't be married to someone else. They will be with me exclusively, openly, proudly. That's just me though. I don't discount your feelings, but your initial attraction is what got you into trouble, IMO. I have had those feelings if attraction, or lust if you prefer. But, I knew I was married. And no matter what my marriage was lacking, I couldn't feel good about myself, breaking that promise I made to myself and God so many years ago. It would have felt good for awhile, but I want the long haul. I know you think it is easy to say that, it isn't. I am human too. I want the same things that you do. Someone who makes me feel alive, special, and loved. It is just how I am willing to get it. We are all the same, it's just our actions that make us different. And I don't smoke either, since my parents did too. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I guess it is how each person views love. Like I have said before, I view life as black and white. And I believe if someone is truly in love with me, they won't be married to someone else. They will be with me exclusively, openly, proudly. That's just me though. I don't discount your feelings, but your initial attraction is what got you into trouble, IMO. I have had those feelings if attraction, or lust if you prefer. But, I knew I was married. And no matter what my marriage was lacking, I couldn't feel good about myself, breaking that promise I made to myself and God so many years ago. It would have felt good for awhile, but I want the long haul. I know you think it is easy to say that, it isn't. I am human too. I want the same things that you do. Someone who makes me feel alive, special, and loved. It is just how I am willing to get it. We are all the same, it's just our actions that make us different. And I don't smoke either, since my parents did too. again, fair enough.. I wish I could go back and change many things... But I still sit where I sit and am making good choices now.. And trying to "help" others here, not bash them... (not that you do, just others) Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 again, fair enough.. I wish I could go back and change many things... But I still sit where I sit and am making good choices now.. And trying to "help" others here, not bash them... (not that you do, just others) Hell, I do my share of bashing too:o Nothing I said was to imply that you aren't making good choices now, just to point out that you did make a commitment about some aspects of your life and you stuck to them, no matter what. Just like some of us did with the type of situation, you found yourself in. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Back to the topic at hand.... PG I think the whole "he told me this, he told me that" thing was his way to roping you in. A lot of times, guys will tell you things in their way first so any other versions are suspect to you. It is also their (the guy's) fallback copout when he disapoints you. You know, "remember, I told you I was this way. I thought you knew and accepted who I was/am. Stop trying to change me" kind of thing. His W is warning you. Without the rose-colored glasses on, you might even agree. I also think that she is trying to see where the weakness is in your R with him. I wouldn't respond in an email myself. Curiosity is certainly one of my weaknesses. I would call her. Somethings you just gotta get from the horse's mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 If I were you I wouldn't send it... Sometimes, the W, the exW or the stbxW gets curious about the OW.. and for some weird reasons, try to get closer to her.. it happened to me.. I had to tell her to 'buzz off'... Just ignore her... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 If I were you I wouldn't send it... Sometimes, the W, the exW or the stbxW gets curious about the OW.. and for some weird reasons, try to get closer to her.. it happened to me.. I had to tell her to 'buzz off'... Just ignore her... So you don't appreciate others making unwelcome intrusions into your life, eh?! Link to post Share on other sites
GPFan Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I really want to respond and just say thanks for the heads up because she seems like she just needs some kind of closure. Not sure of her intentions or what mine would be but I feel like I need to say something. Should I or shouldn't I?I think the wife is just fine. You pity or feel sorry for her? Totally unnecessary and wasted emotion. She is the one freed from this personal hell and you are the one walking into the Lion's Den with eyes wide open. If I were you, I would focus my energy on guarding my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 We all get that, we do, BUT, until you find yourself amck dab in the middle of something like this, and if you say you never would, then youre a liar.. I believe you never have, so in all due respect, your "judgemental tone" is out of line.. and again, I mean this "respectfully", so I hope you can have respect for people that find themselves in this place of "support".. Nobody comes here to brag about their relationships, they come here wuite troubled... I don't know if I told you read this the three or four odd time I said in other posts... I was an accidental party in an affair. And to tell you the sex and the woman was AWESOME! We did things that would make a person's head spin. Heck, I would of wanted more. But, the woman the previous night who told me she was divorced told me she was married the next day. I quickly pulled the breaks on that and did not have sex with her after that. Yes she went on to have other affairs and felt a desire to tell me about them, but she would get mad at me because I would not be one of her lovers. So, if I have 1st, enough dignity and respect for myself before others and then extend that to those around me... And a LOT of men and women do so, why is it someone is suppose to just accept that those who choose to continue in the deception and ruination of someone's marriage have that right? And since I know this isn't probably going to get a straight answer, I am still going to ask it... HOW MANY OF YOU WOULD WANT A LOVER TO DO THAT TO YOU? HOW MANY OF YOU WOULD FEEL FINE WITH SOMEONE WILLINGLY PUTTING A WEDGE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE OR SO? Now if stating what is on a social level considered wrong (maybe not illegal, but definitely wrong) and not feeling sorry for those who willing do what is wrong being judgmental and unsupportive, so be it. But, then again how many of us would support and comfort child and spouse abusers when they won't accept they are wrong? How many of us would wrap our arms around a child molester or rapist who cries about the hardships they are going through because of their OWN actions? Now we DO offer support for those who understand and accept what they did was wrong and are trying to make an effort to correct that wrong. This is no different when dealing with some of these issues here. The only things we can do is this... Agree to disagree. And just bypass the comment. That is what I am starting to do with so many who would prefer to attack vice state their own opinion and not take what everyone say so personal. DNR What is wrong is wrong. Trying to measure that which is wrong only gives justification to it. So being a liar is just as terrible as being an adulterer or adulteress or party member. And such people are just as bad as those who engage in emotional, verbal, and/or physical abuse, etc. What is wrong, is wrong, is wrong and no amount of measuring between either will change the fact that it is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PG Love Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 Okay, thanks for the imput guys, but I did end up sending the e-mail. I took out the part about not trying to be sarcastic or condescending though. I don't think she has read it yet. I went back and forth all morning, but decided what the heck. We actually did talk on the phone once but it was very early in the R and I hadn't admitted it to anyone yet, so that's kind of a moot conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Wish you well on your decision PG. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts