pelicanpreacher Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I don't know if I told you read this the three or four odd time I said in other posts... I was an accidental party in an affair. And to tell you the sex and the woman was AWESOME! We did things that would make a person's head spin. Heck, I would of wanted more. But, the woman the previous night who told me she was divorced told me she was married the next day. I quickly pulled the breaks on that and did not have sex with her after that. Your imperfections are showing DNR. To trust anyone's word at face value nowadays to the point that you bed them was both impetuous and imprudent. If she were not forthecoming about her marital status after your initial liason, by your own admission, you would have continued the relationship and became so deeply invested and emotionally involved that walking away once you discovered the truth would have put you into the same shoes of other posters here experiencing pain at the loss of someone they loved. Although we are all different, we are all still human and subject to the same "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune"! The question that begs, though, is, since you espouse such a strong sense of honor and moral conviction, did you inform her husband of what you did with his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Again with the perfect? How does one actively trying to do what is right for one's self, while making sure his or her actions does not themselves or others perfection? How is stopping and thinking on such actions and determining if they will and making a choice rather or not to do it, takes me out of the real of reality? And if anyone can show me in the definition of love where it says it causes one to do that which is harmful to one's self or others. I would be more than happy to entertain the idea that party members of an affair are in the right. But, you know what... I notice when I bring such things up, those who seem so righteous in their wrongs don't answer that. Yet, I can stand up and answer such questions with confidence and boldness. I have stopped expecting such from those who do wrong and think they have an argument. DNR And that is not perfection, but enlightenment. And that is the only way I try to approach people from. I have my imperfections that I boldly address so that I can boldly address my convictions. DNR, I think OWs on this board have answered your query a million and ten times. I have never ONCE seen an OW say that their affair is right. An affair is never right. Never. But they happen. And when they do, emotions and hopes take over. No amount of berating an OW or telling her what she *should* do or condemning her is going to change how she feels. Humans are not robots. We struggle constently between emotions and logic. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we don't. I wish my R would not have begun an an A. It would've been better if it were done "the right way." But, in my situation and imo, I got it right. And I got it right even if the path there was less than perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I have never ONCE seen an OW say that their affair is right. I disagree. Its often been stated as right. Lizzie and Owoman are two examples right of the bat of women who SEEK married men. And for the vast majority of others, they often will say its JUSTIFIED...while not "right", that's pretty much saying the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Okay, thanks for the imput guys, but I did end up sending the e-mail. I took out the part about not trying to be sarcastic or condescending though. I don't think she has read it yet. I went back and forth all morning, but decided what the heck. We actually did talk on the phone once but it was very early in the R and I hadn't admitted it to anyone yet, so that's kind of a moot conversation. Don't take this the wrong way. Are you a drama junkie or something? Now you are going to sit and keep checking the email account to see if she responded over and over again. I do this sometimes myself, so I am not judging you, but why take the drama route - the route that makes you work more for a few morsels? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PG Love Posted July 10, 2008 Author Share Posted July 10, 2008 NoIdidn't~ I don't see myself as a drama junkie. About 20 minutes after I sent the reply I found out that she was suicidal, so I almost wish I wouldn't have sent it. But in a way I'm glad I did. She is currently in the hospital seeking treatment and I have no idea if and when she'll ever read the reply. I don't wish her any harm and I just wanted to let her know where I stand. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 DNR, I think OWs on this board have answered your query a million and ten times. I have never ONCE seen an OW say that their affair is right. An affair is never right. Never. But they happen. And when they do, emotions and hopes take over. No amount of berating an OW or telling her what she *should* do or condemning her is going to change how she feels. Humans are not robots. We struggle constently between emotions and logic. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we don't. I wish my R would not have begun an an A. It would've been better if it were done "the right way." But, in my situation and imo, I got it right. And I got it right even if the path there was less than perfect. Well I have been on here a lot longer than you and I have seen OW say their affair is right and that they even help a marriage:sick:. OW come and go, some are remorseful and some don't give a damn. I agree that berating isn't going to change anyone's mind, but stating his beliefs is only berating to someone who doesn't agree. And nothing done the wrong way is ever going to prosper. It may take months or years, but for all of us, there is no escaping the consequences of our wrong choices, yours or mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I have seen OW say their affair is right and that they even help a marriage:sick:. Some OW you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 For all you know your MM has been gaslighting his wife, playing her for a fool for a long time and she was pushed past her emotional limit (hense the A and finding out about you). Don't you find it odd that she reached out to you, and boom! All of a sudden she's in the hospital threatening suicide? You KNOW your MM is a SERIAL CHEATER and you even expect him to cheat on you at some time in the future - SO you don't think that his hands are slightly dirty here, helping his wife into the mental state she's in now? Think about it. In this thread you show some compassion for her, in the other thread, you don't, infact you seem outraged that she would pull such a thing. Something is really wrong here. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I got an E-mail from MM's W, should I respond or leave it be? They have been separated for several weeks and she knows all about me. She sent me an e-mail to lay out all of this "best" qualities and his past affairs. She said she just wanted to give me a heads up. I really want to respond and just say thanks for the heads up because she seems like she just needs some kind of closure. Not sure of her intentions or what mine would be but I feel like I need to say something. Should I or shouldn't I? You shouldn't. You've, along with her H, have done enough to her already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PG Love Posted July 10, 2008 Author Share Posted July 10, 2008 In this thread you show some compassion for her, in the other thread, you don't, infact you seem outraged that she would pull such a thing. Something is really wrong here. I do feel some compassion for her, she didn't do anything wrong. But at the same time I don't like the fact that she has threatened me either, so my compassion goes right out the window. I don't expect him to cheat on me in the future, but anything is possible. I will post when and if she responds to my e-mail. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Some OW you mean? That would be why the sentence right after that said, "Ow come and go, some are remorseful and some don't give a damn.":confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 That would be why the sentence right after that said, "Ow come and go, some are remorseful and some don't give a damn.":confused: I know. It was too late for me to edit my post. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I do feel some compassion for her, she didn't do anything wrong. But at the same time I don't like the fact that she has threatened me either, so my compassion goes right out the window. What did she say in the sense of threatening you? I'm not saying I agree with that at all, but you need to remember that you had an affair with her husband so alot of what she is and has been feeling is coming from an angry place. Rightfully so.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 What did she say in the sense of threatening you? I'm not saying I agree with that at all, but you need to remember that you had an affair with her husband so alot of what she is and has been feeling is coming from an angry place. Rightfully so.. doesn't excuse this though - snip> She did threaten that when she gets her self straight that she is coming after MM and me. She said she may hire someone to beat and rape me, so I don't take that lightly!< snip (taken from PG's other thread re the W) Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 doesn't excuse this though - snip> She did threaten that when she gets her self straight that she is coming after MM and me. She said she may hire someone to beat and rape me, so I don't take that lightly!< snip (taken from PG's other thread re the W) I agree. This is an unforgiveable thing to say, regardless of the provocation. I can't imagine threatening someone with rape; it makes me nauseous even to think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I didn't go back and read what she has said threatening wise. Yeah that's pretty awful to think, let alone put into motion.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PG Love Posted July 10, 2008 Author Share Posted July 10, 2008 What did she say in the sense of threatening you? I'm not saying I agree with that at all, but you need to remember that you had an affair with her husband so alot of what she is and has been feeling is coming from an angry place. Rightfully so.. She has threatened several things, so far she's carried through with one of them. Threat 1. She would send a copy of his cell phone records to my H along with a dvd with a recorded message of my voice on his voicemail. All of this to prove our affair. She actually did this, but H was already out of the house and knew about the affair, just not all the details. I intercepted this package and H never saw it. Threat 2. She would take the same information as above along with pictures from her PI to my job. I met MM on the job and it's against the rules to see contractors off site, so this could mess with my job if my boss found out. Threat 3. She said that when she got herself straight that she would come after him and me physically. Included in this she said she could hire someone to beat and rape me. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Why did you intercept the package for your H, if he knew about the affair? Why not let him see it, so that he could decide what to do about your marital situation based on what it contained? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PG Love Posted July 10, 2008 Author Share Posted July 10, 2008 He already knew about the affair, but I didn't want to give him any concrete evidence that he could use in court if he decided to fight for custody of our children. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Threat 1. She would send a copy of his cell phone records to my H along with a dvd with a recorded message of my voice on his voicemail. All of this to prove our affair. She actually did this, but H was already out of the house and knew about the affair, just not all the details. I intercepted this package and H never saw it. This she had every right to do as a betrayed spouse. He already knew about the affair, but I didn't want to give him any concrete evidence that he could use in court if he decided to fight for custody of our children. And he would have had every right to use that information in court because you cheated on him. Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh but if one chooses to have an affair, there's always the fallout and consquences to be dealt with later on. EVERYONE gets hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PG Love Posted July 10, 2008 Author Share Posted July 10, 2008 This she had every right to do as a betrayed spouse. And he would have had every right to use that information in court because you cheated on him. Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh but if one chooses to have an affair, there's always the fallout and consquences to be dealt with later on. EVERYONE gets hurt. I agree that she had the right to do that, but I H didn't forward his address so it came to my house. H has agreed through all of this not to fight for custody because he knows that he couldn't take the kids full time, so the rest is null and void now anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 He already knew about the affair, but I didn't want to give him any concrete evidence that he could use in court if he decided to fight for custody of our children. That doesn't seem fair. If you felt ok with your actions, why not take your chances in court. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 That doesn't seem fair. If you felt ok with your actions, why not take your chances in court. Because there's no law that says you have to shoot yourself in the foot? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I truly understand that, but I still don't understand why not take your lumps if you are ok with your choices. If he didn't want to take the children full time, why hide anything at that point? Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I truly understand that, but I still don't understand why not take your lumps if you are ok with your choices. If he didn't want to take the children full time, why hide anything at that point? BNB, do you really think fair play is going to come into the picture with people in an affair? It hadn't up to that point, so why now? Link to post Share on other sites
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