Grandmother favoring one grandchild over the other

[Msblueyes]

I am divorced & my two children live out of state with my xhusband due to MCS (multiple chemical sensitivities) caused by mold.

 

My mother was present at my first son's birth but not my second. She has been extremely good to the first child, but has not developed the same type of relationship with my second.

 

The children are now almost both teenagers and have a busy schedule between school, sports, friends, etc....meaning, you don't always get a call immediately back when you call them.

 

This doesn't bother me so much as it does my mother. She's in her mid 80's, on the cranky side and is from that age where children bowed down to their parents.

 

I know that my older son is very sensitive to the fact that his younger brother is not getting the same treatment from grandma that he is. The younger one is aware of it as well. I've never treated them the way grandma does and she's been told and has admitted that she favors one over the other.

 

Now, with the distance factor of living out of state involved, the fact that the children are upset with Grandma and the way she talks to them when they do talk on the phone, they didn't want to see their Grandma during this year's visit. I spoke to each of them, after finding this out, objectively heard them out & then spoke with my mother regarding her side. She doesn't seem to understand that the way she treats one over the other affects both of them. She also doesn't realize her tone of voice as well as being acusatory only drives the children further away.

 

It really becomes hard because at her age, there's no chaning the way Grandma is....I feel due to her aging, she doesn't always remember what she said and/or won't admit to what was really said. She can be on the abusive side...her way or the highway...if you don't call her, she won't call you. But when you do call, then she'll call back numerous times for this, for that, it just starts to get crazy. She's wasn't easy to deal with when she was raising me and now with grandchildren, it's very difficult for her to understand how to treat the children respectfully and not hurt their feelings in regards to bringing up the past in front of them, talking bad about either myself or my xhusband, or my xboyfriend, it doesn't matter what it is, she forgets there are certain things small ears shouldn't hear.

 

My x's wife explained how when she took grandma & kids out, all grandma did was complain about me, my x, my xboyfriend....I know my mother & I know how hurtful she can be to anyone who's not either "on her side" or taking care of all her needs...so it pretty much sucks.

 

I know she talks about me behind my back but I just chalk it up to her being her, her aging and that she's just plain miserable and has always been like this.

 

Any thoughts on how to handle going out to dinner tomorrow with Grandma with these issues ever present? Kids will not go to her home, but did say they'd be more comfortable out in a restaurant....

[Ronni_W]

Any thoughts on how to handle going out to dinner tomorrow with Grandma with these issues ever present?

Well...it's a good opportunity for your kids to learn that sometimes in life, one just has to "suck it up" and make the best of a bad situation -- they're going to need to do that on many other social and professional occasions, throughout their lives.

 

I would tell them that I expect that they'll treat grandma with the respect she has earned simply by living so long -- similar to respecting a boss, just because s/he is the boss. I'd explain that it is okay to ACT respectful towards a station in life, without necessarily FEELING respect for the individual -- it is not duplicitous or inauthentic when one is also aware of the 'bigger picture' of relationship dynamics, social etiquette, wise decisions, acting maturely, etc.

 

And I'd give them permission to not take to heart anything that grandma says or does, that they do not wish to take to heart (they can choose what stays inside...and let her other crap just 'fly away'.)

In fact, on the way home, you could compare what each chose to 'let fly', and have a good laugh about it.

 

The biggest thing, I think, is that they have your understanding and support. To me, you have done right by your kids, to acknowledge grandma's toxic habits and do what you can to keep them out of harm's way, rather than try to cover it and deny your kids' emotional distress and discomfort -- many, many kudos to you, for that!

[Msblueyes]

Thank you. Spoke with mom and she said that she doesn't want to see the boys. That may change of course, in the next 24 hours.

[konfuzd]

I grew up in a very similar situation. My grandma treated my brother like gold, and pretty much ignored me. She would give him gifts in front of me, and I'd get nothing. She would comment on how my hair looked like a rat's nest and I should cut it off (when I was like 6 or 7 and my mom took care of the grooming and such). When we would talk on the phone as I got older, she'd ask about him and didn't even know where I was living or what I was doing with my career.

 

My brother has a very narcisistic personality, and as a child I always battled with self esteem issues and was very reserved. I really think it has a lot to do with the treatment we recieved from our grandmother.

 

I would be very careful to reinforce to your sons that they have the same worth, and would make sure that when she's doting on the oldest son to either do something special for the young one yourself or highlight something he's done to build his confidence.

[AnLandy]

I agree that acknowledging your sons' feelings is VERY important. My sister and I have had ongoing issues with our grandfather since we were little, but my mom never really seemed to care. She just kept telling us that as difficult as we thought he was to deal with, it was 1000 times harded growing up in the same house with him. Whenever we told her we weren't happy with something that he had done or said, mom would just tell us a story about something he did to her that was so much worse than what we were dealing with. Her way of coping with their relationship was to cut him out of her life.

 

The end result is that I have no relationship with my maternal grandfather because I never saw any hope that the situation would improve, so I just gave up and stopped trying. And mom never encouraged us to have a relationship with him because of her own issues. Now that he is in his 90s, I do regret that, and I wish that mom had made some effort to force us to interact with him and to stick up for us when he was cruel or overly critical.

 

Your sons might regret not seeing their grandmother in the future, especially since she is in her 80s. The negative talk about you and your exes is totally inappropriate, but I think it is important for your sons to have some interaction with her, preferably with you there to help keep grandma under control and call her on her behavior.

 

I can't imagine what it's like for your ex's wife to sit their and listen to this woman go on and on about her husband and the mother of her step-sons. We are a blended family due to my brother's divorce, and it is always so hard for me to be around my nephew's maternal grandmother. When she starts badmouthing my brother, it's so awkward. I'm not even related to this woman, but she's still family in a wierd way, and I know that whatever I say or do will just cause more animosity between my family and my ex-sister-in-law's family.

 

Listen to your sons and try to accomodate their wishes when you can. Staying out of grandma's house and only interacting with her when your there might be a good compromise. Of course, I also agree that this is a valuable lesson in life about the necessity of putting up with people you don't necessarily like. It's also a great opportunity for your sons to learn about the type of fathers and grandfathers they don't want to be in the future. That is the one bright spot in my non-existent relationship with my grandfather.