Broken Engagement

[Mwende]

This is an amazing story, and I don't know why I never got a call from Lifetime to make a movie of it . . .

 

Skip and I dated for about six months in 2001. He just turned 40, I was 39. He has a son living with him, who loved me immediately. I saw great potential for this relationship, but I had to call it off in January 2002. He had become very distant and unresponsive, and I later learned that he had already decided that we were too different to make a marriage work, and since he was looking for a wife rather than just a girlfriend, he just shut down. Whatever, I thought. His loss.

 

He called in April 2002, maybe we should rethink this thing. I was happy to give it a try, and we got back together. Shortly thereafter, he got a call from the woman he had dated while we were apart. You know how birth control isn't 100% effective? Right. So he tells me that he intends to be a hands-on dad, that he won't be the guy who just writes the support check, and he can't expect me to be part of this. Lori, the woman, was very clear with him that she didn't want a romantic relationship (they dated only a month) and Skip said he felt only friendship for her. I think it over for a while, take it to my committee of friends, and decide that he hasn't done anything I haven't done, and he's handling this surprise very well. I decide that I'll come along for the ride and see how it goes.

 

Joshua was born in November and Lori, and I get along great. I spend more and more time at Skip's place, and I see them together. I feel no jealousy, because it's clear that the only thing between these two is the child. For Valentine's Day, Skip gives me a 3-diamond necklace, which he proudly describes as representing "our past, present, and our future." My birthday is in March, and he takes me on a Carribean cruise. After desert is served during the last formal dinner, he kneels down and offers me an engagement ring. I say yes, because I love this man.

 

So we're getting married. I had been very clear with him that I would not be one of those women who, after years and years of living together, wonder where this relationship is going. Until we have a firm commitment, I'm keeping my rented house. So now, in March, we have this firm commitment, and he suggests that I give notice at my rented house and move in full time. This makes sense -- I'd spent most nights at his house anyway, and we had named my house "the closet." A rather expensive closet that we could do without. So at the end of April, we moved my belongings into his house.

 

July 8, during a telephone conversation, both of us at work, he muses repeatedly how difficult it is to leave Joshua behind when his visit is over. I asked him if he was having second thoughts about our arrangement, and instead of the reassuring noises I expected, I got a long silence. Finally, he tells me that this is not a conversation we should have at the workplace.

 

For the next 2 1/2 weeks, he dilberates and agonizes. I made an appointment with a counselor, and we both go. Finally, on July 24, 2003, I come home to find a typewritten note on the bed. He's decided that he owes it to Josh to try to make it work with Lori, even though he doesn't love her and she doesn't love him. He says he still loves me, but he's got to be a dad first. All of this information was available to him when he proposed four months ago.

 

I am now homeless. I'm staying on the couches and guest rooms of friends, trying to get him to follow through on his promise to get me some cash to start over. Amazing. His teenage son is crying himself to sleep at night because Super-Dad has to have the nuclear family with a woman he claims not to love.

[midori]

...not that you wanted to.

 

This guy clearly can't commit himself to anything. The song and dance about his son needing to have both parents on hand in order to grow up happy and healthy is absolute crap. The initial arrangement was stable, father in regular contact with son, good relations between parents who were not in love with each other. So many kids would kill for such a nice set-up.

 

So it's not about the kid. Nor is it about the kid's mother. It's about this man's inability to commit himself to one thing and stick with it. There's always some reason he can't fully engage, always something else that maybe he should have followed instead. The road not taken.

 

I have a friend like this. The man has a PhD in linguistics and has done a post-doc in neuroimaging at one of the most prestigious institutions in the country. He's been ambivalent about it all along, and now he thinks he wants to go back to school and get an MFA in photography. Good grief. He's 37 years old and he's still trying to figure out what he wants to do. Is it insecurity? Afraid that if he fully committed himself to something he might fail? Who knows.

 

But whether we're talking about my friend or your boyfriend, the bottom line is the same I'm afraid: until they grow up, they will keep on doing this. At some point you have to say "right, this is where I've taken myself, this is where I'm going to live my life. These are the things I'm going to pursue." One would think by the time a guy is 40 years old he'd be able to do that.

 

Supposing this woman Lori is stupid enough to take him on, the likelihood that he'll sabotage that too is high. He'll never quite get over you, he'll always have lingering doubts about letting you go. He'll never know if he chose her for the right reasons. He'll punish her for that by being evasive and not wholly there.

 

My advice to you is to wash your hands of him. Otherwise he'll keep turning up every few months or years, like a bad penny. I'm sorry you're going through this right now, but believe me, it's better you've seen what he really is now than to have discovered it only when you're irrevocably tied to him. Like poor Lori is.

[Mwende]

Thank you -- the morning after I got the note, I got a call from our counselor. Skip had left him a message saying that he'd made his decision, so he wouldn't need the counseling session, or any others that they had scheduled. The counselor told me that this guy would always want to be pulled between two women, and that this break up was inevitable.

 

I loved well, and I can hold my head high. (Of course, I am fantasizing about the day in the future when I can testify at the custody hearing after Lori marries a wonderful guy who has a job in Seattle). Out of love for Skip, and because I was willing to commit, I made lots of concessions. I'd like to think I'll be able to do that again in the future -- I think the nature of commitment is being able to jump off the cliff and trust that you'll be able to build the parachute on the way down. But I do know now that I will make those concessions only for a man who would rather throw himself under the wheels of a speeding bus than hurt me. Skip is not that man.

 

I feel sorry for Lori -- she's going to have to deal with this guy for the next 18 years. In time, I'll feel bad for Skip as well -- after all, I get to leave his life and his problems. He's stuck.

 

Thank you.

[Mwende]

By the way, you're absolutely right that he'll turn up again. My friends are joking about setting up a betting pool for the date and time. I know it'll floor me when it happens -- and it will -- but I have good friends around me. Even if I loose my mind and consider taking him back, the enormous embarrasment it would be to tell my friends "oh, no, it's different now . . . "

 

Never mind my family, who tell me now that they're breathing a collective sigh of relief.

 

Anyway, thanks. Maybe you can give your friend Skip's number and they can go bowling? Leave us normal people alone.

[niko1999]

Can I shake your hand? You sound like an incredibly strong woman, the kind I hope I will be able to be when faced with such a thing in my life. Youre the kind who can still hold her head up high even when most would stick their tail in between thier legs. Though I feel badly about your situation, and honesly cant offer a bit of advice, I have to say, if youre handling it as well in real life as you come across doing so on this board, I am awestruck, and inspired. Thank you.

[Mwende]

Don't get me wrong -- I've spent plenty of time sobbing, and feeling awful, but the thing that's keeping me afloat is the incredible support I've found from the women around me. I have a law office that's been terribly neglected in the past week because I can't hold two thoughts together. I sleep only hours at a time -- I'm all around miserable, but I know I have to go through this. If it doesn's come out straight, it comes out sideways.

 

I'm also reading a lot of books on grieving and being dumped. Helps a lot.

 

Thanks for the support.

 

Mwende

[turtle]

I hope things work out for you. You sound like a lady that has a good perspective on things.

[Mwende]

Thank you for your support. This site is wonderful.

[Mwende]

When one door opens, as they say --

 

I've been in deep panic mode about finding a new place -- I have cats, bad credit and no money. Not a good combination. I talked with a friend of mine who is looking for a tenant for her house, which I've loved for years. So I'll land gently after all.

 

I'm posting this message because in the end, I'm sure I'll find that all of this was worthwhile. I still can't get through the day without tears, but I'm making progress, and being able to see where I'll be living is enormous help.

 

Our angels are still out there, as painful as these times are. (Just don't dance faster than your angel can fly --)

 

Mwende

[clia]

I'm posting this message because in the end, I'm sure I'll find that all of this was worthwhile.

 

It will be. Six months from now, a year from now, some period of time in the future you will look back and view this as the best thing that could have happened to you. I know it may not feel like that now, but it will someday!

 

Good luck with the new place!

[ojibwaywmn]

Originally posted by midori

...not that you wanted to.

 

This guy clearly can't commit himself to anything. The song and dance about his son needing to have both parents on hand in order to grow up happy and healthy is absolute crap. The initial arrangement was stable, father in regular contact with son, good relations between parents who were not in love with each other. So many kids would kill for such a nice set-up.

 

So it's not about the kid. Nor is it about the kid's mother. It's about this man's inability to commit himself to one thing and stick with it. There's always some reason he can't fully engage, always something else that maybe he should have followed instead. The road not taken.

 

But whether we're talking about my friend or your boyfriend, the bottom line is the same I'm afraid: until they grow up, they will keep on doing this. At some point you have to say "right, this is where I've taken myself, this is where I'm going to live my life. These are the things I'm going to pursue." One would think by the time a guy is 40 years old he'd be able to do that.

 

Supposing this woman Lori is stupid enough to take him on, the likelihood that he'll sabotage that too is high. He'll never quite get over you, he'll always have lingering doubts about letting you go. He'll never know if he chose her for the right reasons. He'll punish her for that by being evasive and not wholly there.

 

My advice to you is to wash your hands of him. Otherwise he'll keep turning up every few months or years, like a bad penny. I'm sorry you're going through this right now, but believe me, it's better you've seen what he really is now than to have discovered it only when you're irrevocably tied to him. Like poor Lori is.

 

Hey Mwende;

 

I am just getting over someone who has basically done the same thing to me. He has an ex common-law wife and 2 kids. Now that I broke it off, I am seeing someone who is unable to fully commit to anyone and needs that "love-high" or excitement. As soon as things started to get a little rough with us, he hightails it. Although I miss him and find it hard at times, I know down the road that breaking up will be smartest thing I have done. All the power to you girl, and to all the other women who break-up with no-good men. It hurts for awhile, but it makes you even more stronger.

[Mwende]

Thanks for the support -- I'm sorry you had to go through the same thing. I take much comfort from the facts that (1) we never would have made it down the aisle anyway, since he can't commit, and I'm glad I didn't invest one more day, and (2) I get to leave his chaotic life and return to my simple, calm and secure life. He's stuck in chaos-land.

 

If only there was a test we could employ to verify a subject's actual commitment potential. (All the good science is wasted . . .)

 

Good luck, girl.

[ojibwaywmn]

Amen!! It is too bad that are this way, but that is something they have to deal with, not us. Cheers!!