A note to all the OW's out there:

[noforgiveness]

One more question, So did I stop being the o/w on the first D day, the second, third or fourth???

 

Oh that's cute. That's really cute. So this woman has had 4 ddays of him lying to her and begging her forgiveness and him saying he is done with you and you just hang in there through all the make up sex and all. Are you proud of yourself for all those ddays? It sounds like it. No don't kid yourself, if you have had that many ddays then she does not know. She thinks he is being honest and has dumped you while you sneak around play games and laugh about ddays. I'm sure he loves his kid though and that's why he stays. He shows that love while sneaking away on vacations with you.:sick: Does it make you feel better believing she knows? Less guilty maybe to believe that?

 

Seriously, how has YOUR relationship with him survived 4 ddays? Should he have not said oops after maybe the second dday I don't love you I love Mino? FOUR DDAYS. That poor dumb woman for not kicking his butt out. She must really love him to deal with four ddays.

[herenow]

Could some of the responses on here be more over the top? Really.

 

I truly enjoy the fact that there are varying opinions on here. It is nice to see the variety of perspectives and the various stages of life. And I understand we're not all on the same page, and that, imo, is a benefit of this site and this forum. I think a good 80% of the BS' who post on here are valuable to us OW. But I'm going to be honest, when I read some of the posts by BSs who have some never-ending need to stoke the flames under the OW--and the way they talk about the MM and OW as though are subhuman--I read those posts and think "geez, now I know why their spouse strayed and is looking for something else."

 

The original post here was not looking for sisterhood...she was venting and slapping wrists of OPs because her H was being inappropriate with another woman. Even if the OP was successful in getting 50 women to end their As, that still won't change what her H did or what he may still do in the future. Get it? Her post wasn't doing anything of substance in this forum except whatever it did to make her feel better about herself. So that is why all the OW responses to her. It's not because of latent guilt or lack of character...it is simply because we see why she did what she did and her post simply did not belong here for the intended audience. But I'm glad it made some people feel better about themselves to once again have an opportunity to make women (or men) who are already confused and feeling bad about themselves feel even worse. Round of applause to everyone.

 

But isn't it her prerogative to post her opinion and or her thoughts? Some may not agree, but then again no one agrees with everything that is said.

 

If she asked specifically "Do you, the OW, think about the effect the affair has on the BW?" and the answer is "no", then that would be your own personal opinion. She probably wouldn't like it, but once again that's your prerogative. Just because her view is painful to some doesn't make it wrong.

[noforgiveness]

:laugh:callmecrazy you didn't steal him. If you stole him he wouldn't still go home to his wife every night.

[Mino]

It feels so good to bash the women even tho we know the true betrayal lies with our H. He is the one who broke vows. He is the one who owed US something more.

 

Everyone wants to blame someone.... but you have to read what you wrote here. The bottom line is HE broke your vows. And my guess would be more happened than just texting.... If he is willing to do it now, it's a matter of time until he does it again. ESPECIALLY if you're in your early 30s.... You have serious problems to fix....

 

When I spoke on the phone with the OW, I asked her why she continued to contact my man when she knew he was a MM....Her answer was "I just thought he was a really cute guy". Seriously? A cute guy? He is someones's father. His daughter is a daddy's girl. His son adores him. HE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN A "CUTE GUY" to his family. He is more than that TO ME. He is the one who held my hand as I gave birth to our children......

 

As an OW I can gaurantee you I never once thought about his W's labor and delivery. We believe all the BAD things the MM are telling us about you. How you aren't having sex with them, your marriage is in trouble, how they've lost a connection with you and they are seeking something elsewhere....

 

When you start an affair with a MM you are hurting people who have invested years into a relationship and you have NO RIGHT to be there.....

 

I agree affairs hurt everyone and I've said numerous times that if I had it to do over again I would not have continued a relationship with my MM. However, look at what you're saying! Years of a relationship your H is willing to throw away for a younger woman who must have had something he wasn't getting at home. It's not as great a relationship as you think, huh?

 

I couldn't live with myself knowing I had hurt a whole family full of people who love the man I selfishly stole for myself even tho he didn't belong to me.

 

I'm pretty sure that an OW is not stealing anyone. A willing participant who leaves on his own feel will.....???? That isn't stealing.... Lol....

 

Good luck to you! I think you have a long road ahead of you and some deep soul searching to do. I'd suggest talking to a therapist as well.... ~CMC

Now this is the best post yet, couldnt be more honest,

[herenow]

It

 

As an OW I can gaurantee you I never once thought about his W's labor and delivery. We believe all the BAD things the MM are telling us about you. How you aren't having sex with them, your marriage is in trouble, how they've lost a connection with you and they are seeking something elsewhere....

~CMC

 

 

So, if it's OK for the OW to believe the bad things that the MM tells the OW about the wife, why is it so wrong when the BW believes all the bad things he tells her about the OW? Maybe that's why some BW blame the OW. Because, like the OW, they believe what the MM is saying about how awful the OW is and how he wishes he never met her.

[Mino]

Oh that's cute. That's really cute. So this woman has had 4 ddays of him lying to her and begging her forgiveness and him saying he is done with you and you just hang in there through all the make up sex and all. Are you proud of yourself for all those ddays? It sounds like it. No don't kid yourself, if you have had that many ddays then she does not know. She thinks he is being honest and has dumped you while you sneak around play games and laugh about ddays. I'm sure he loves his kid though and that's why he stays. He shows that love while sneaking away on vacations with you.:sick: Does it make you feel better believing she knows? Less guilty maybe to believe that?

 

Seriously, how has YOUR relationship with him survived 4 ddays? Should he have not said oops after maybe the second dday I don't love you I love Mino? FOUR DDAYS. That poor dumb woman for not kicking his butt out. She must really love him to deal with four ddays.

No begging for forgiveness, she turns her head and does not question. As long as the visa card still works...

[herenow]

No begging for forgiveness, she turns her head and does not question. As long as the visa card still works...

 

The visa card still works and he still goes home to her. Why? The visa card would still work for her if he was with you. If she isn't begging him to stay, why isn't he with you? I'm not up on this story so maybe I missed something.

[savethedrama]

Of course I didn't expect every OW reading this thread to reply to ME saying how sorry they are and that they are SOLEY responsible for their situation with the MM. I did not expect for OW who are in LOVE with their MM to immediately break off their A's and "DO THE RIGHT THING".

 

I was just reminding the ow out there that a lot of hurt is caused to the family who is losing the H. I was just trying to say, remember it's not just you and him.

 

I am not perfect and I NEVER said my marriage was. I was just trying to give some background so that people on here would know that I WAS one of the ones trying to put my M first. I adore my husband and tried very hard to let him know that so that he would be less likely to go looking somewhere else. My marriage has always been important to me. That's all I was saying.

 

And YES I do expect my husband to be married to ME and ONLY ME. That is why I am MARRIED. If he decides he is not in love with me, all I ask or have ever asked is for him to tell me the truth before he betrays me. I asked him to leave when I found out about the "tart" (sorry, I had to say it). It was HIM begging me to give him another chance. I have decided not to leave at this time while we work all this out. If, after M C and some soul-searching I still don't feel like I will be able to have the type of marriage I DESERVE, then I will file for divorce. I have decided, based on how long I have known him, and how good our marriage was that I will FIGHT for my man. He made a mistake that hurt me tremendously but he is really a good guy who was always good to me and very attentive. I am not ready to give up on that just yet. The fact that he tried phone calls at first and then felt guilty about talking in person makes me think that somewhere in his head he WAS making a decision not to take it further.He has admitted that he entertained the idea of physically cheating shortly after meeting her but that it was a line that he had already decided not to cross when I found out. In earlier times in MY OWN marriage before I put my M first) I had also ENTERTAINED the idea of having an A. So we are both guilty of that I guess. Neither one of us followed thru so I guess we are at least on the right path.

 

I KNOW that affairs happen. They happen to bad people and they happen to good people. But to ME at least, marriage is a committment not just a feeling. It is not a feeling you have for someone and as soon as that feeling weighns for a week then it's time to find someone new. If there's always some OW waiting in the wings when things go bad in a M then it takes the MM's focus off of working on his COMMITTMENT to his W and distracts him with the thrill of deceit and dishonesty. Normal marriages hit highs and lows (for better or for worse - right?) I just hate to think that there will be someone waiting ready to pounce everytime my marriage hits a low spot. Many marriages could ride out the low spots if it weren't for the distraction of an OW..... I was just aying that if I were a OW I would feel pretty bad knowing that a family could have been saved had I not allowed myself to date a MM. If we all held ourselves to higher standards and demanded that our MM solve his M problems one way or another before getting involved then guess what?? Affairs would not happen. We would be respecting ourselves, respecting marriage for the committment it is supposed to be and maybe more families would be whole because of it.

 

Next I will work on WORLD PEACE....I think I have a better chance with that one

[NoIDidn't]

No begging for forgiveness, she turns her head and does not question. As long as the visa card still works...

 

 

I really am not jumping on a bandwagon but really confused. I am not all together up on your complete story either.

 

Four d-days and he is still married to her and living at home? And you stay in this relationship?

 

It would seem that he knows that she will stay for her usage of the VISA and that you will stay knowing that he isn't about to leave her because he knows she is staying.

 

Both of you are passive-aggressively fighting each other for this cake-eater. If you've had four d-days, it doesn't seem like he has any plans to leave. At all.

[herenow]

I really am not jumping on a bandwagon but really confused. I am not all together up on your complete story either.

 

Four d-days and he is still married to her and living at home? And you stay in this relationship?

 

It would seem that he knows that she will stay for her usage of the VISA and that you will stay knowing that he isn't about to leave her because he knows she is staying.

 

Both of you are passive-aggressively fighting each other for this cake-eater. If you've had four d-days, it doesn't seem like he has any plans to leave. At all.

 

Sounds to me like it's the BW in this situation that is having her cake and eating it too.

[NoIDidn't]

If we all held ourselves to higher standards and demanded that our MM solve his M problems one way or another before getting involved then guess what?? Affairs would not happen. We would be respecting ourselves, respecting marriage for the committment it is supposed to be and maybe more families would be whole because of it.

 

I have to disagree with this statement. Hear me out.

 

There are always other distractions than just another partner's availability. There's alcohol and mind-altering drugs. Then there's GOLF!!!!

 

In the beginning of my M I felt cheated by his hobbies. He has long sense addressed and fixed this though.

[CallMeCrazy]

:laugh:callmecrazy you didn't steal him. If you stole him he wouldn't still go home to his wife every night.

 

 

Not sure you meant to refer to me?? But I never have claimed to "steal" my MM. We have had our share of challenges and I have no idea what the outcome will be.... However, his divorce papers were filed 2 months ago and he goes home to his apartment every night.

 

As for the OP ~ I hope things work out for her. I was just being a realist and I imagine very few OW ever think about their MM's family! We are certainly not waiting in the wings to "pounce" on some totally happy MM either. I know for me, our R just happened. It wasn't something either of us were plotting. But it helps to blame someone else because you don't have to look at what you have done wrong... I think that is just human nature.

[bentnotbroken]

maybe you should be questioning where the void was in your marriage that allowed your husband to consider an outsider?

 

a deficiency somewhere that needs to be addressed.

 

this is where the energy should be placed - trying to make an effort for repair perhaps.

 

 

The deficiency is in his morals. Only he can address that.

[herenow]

I have to disagree with this statement. Hear me out.

 

There are always other distractions than just another partner's availability. There's alcohol and mind-altering drugs. Then there's GOLF!!!!

 

In the beginning of my M I felt cheated by his hobbies. He has long sense addressed and fixed this though.

 

 

My H was addicted to his work until we made some very lucky investments. Once he no longer had to worry about making money, his addiction changed and he had an affair. People with addictive personalities can find many ways to get a fix. Does that mean my H has a moral flaw? I don't know, but he certainly had a problem that wasn't being dealt with the right way.

[savethedrama]

And my guess would be more happened than just texting.... If he is willing to do it now, it's a matter of time until he does it again. ESPECIALLY if you're in your early 30s....

 

 

 

Wow, this was helpful. The smiley face was meant to - what - cheer me up? How cute.

 

My post was not hurtful to anyone. It was a plea for any OW who might listen. It did make me feel good to put my side out there. It would have felt a helluva lot better to seek out someone who was hurting and kick 'em while theyre down. Looks like you beat me to that.

 

What you said is fair enough and could very easily turn out to be true. Ive decided to give my marriage another chance. My H loves me, so let's just hope he has learned his lesson and has come to realize what he almost lost. If not I will let everyone know, and all the OW who have been so offended by my post can say I told you so. With lots of smiley faces to boot!

[herenow]

I read those posts and think "geez, now I know why their spouse strayed and is looking for something else."

 

 

Every time there is a post that offends OW's in any way, someone serves up this line. Thank you Cliche for keeping with the tradition. I could say "How Cliche", but that's too corny for even me.

[NoIDidn't]

Every time there is a post that offends OW's in any way, someone serves up this line. Thank you Cliche for keeping with the tradition. I could say "How Cliche", but that's too corny for even me.

 

 

But HN, it only proves for me the job of the OW with the MM: stroking his ego and not being realistic about the fact that his stuff stinks too.

 

When those lines come up, I tend to ignore them. It really is a shot in the dark and an attempt to offend by being nitpicky and immature. And before anyone jumps on the immature statement by saying that I am name-calling, don't. Just calling it what it is.

 

SaveTheDrama (I couldn't do initials because then its STD LOL!!!!) made an appeal to consider others beyond just the betrayed. But it must have struck a nerve out there. So many times I read stories (on other sites mind you because the OW here are too scared to really post their affairs since others are free to weigh in out it outside of the OP mindset) about when the affair attempts to take on a normative state and the OW meets the family members and is afraid that the kids will hate her or have been brainwashed by their mom, or whatever. SaveTheDrama was really just saying think about the end first. That might make some reconsider.

 

Might. Might not. But I think she posted to get it out of her head and not to influence any grown person from doing what they want to do to begin with.

[Lookingforward]

Hmm, now i am confussed:rolleyes: If the wife knows but keeps her mouth shut, I am no longer the ow/ but if he leaves and goes back, I am??? HUH???? so do I get to negotiate weekends or not?????

I wannna KNOW:lmao:

 

Yeah, ain't that something ? No wonder I never know what board to post to huh ?

[herenow]

But HN, it only proves for me the job of the OW with the MM: stroking his ego and not being realistic about the fact that his stuff stinks too.

 

When those lines come up, I tend to ignore them. It really is a shot in the dark and an attempt to offend by being nitpicky and immature. And before anyone jumps on the immature statement by saying that I am name-calling, don't. Just calling it what it is.

 

SaveTheDrama (I couldn't do initials because then its STD LOL!!!!) made an appeal to consider others beyond just the betrayed. But it must have struck a nerve out there. So many times I read stories (on other sites mind you because the OW here are too scared to really post their affairs since others are free to weigh in out it outside of the OP mindset) about when the affair attempts to take on a normative state and the OW meets the family members and is afraid that the kids will hate her or have been brainwashed by their mom, or whatever. SaveTheDrama was really just saying think about the end first. That might make some reconsider.

 

Might. Might not. But I think she posted to get it out of her head and not to influence any grown person from doing what they want to do to begin with.

 

I think she was voicing what many of us BW's have thought about as well. It doesn't do her any good to talk to us, we wonder the same thing. The best place for her to post is to the people she is questioning, the OW.

 

Some OW have no problem telling us our H's don't love us and they only stay for the kids or money. They try to convince us that we really aren't happy and we are just fools for believing we are. But, question the actions of the OW and we are told that it's not constructive.

 

Personally, I don't understand why a woman would get involved with a MM, so it really doesn't bother me when they can't understand my situation. But, I don't think anyone should tell this OP that her post doesn't belong here just because they don't agree.

 

If all goes like usual, the next question will be "HN if you're so happy, why are you here?" Or, "HN, why aren't you with your H, where is he?". So I will save the space and answer now. H is at home with the kids, I'm at work waiting for my partner to get back from dinner so I can go home. Done with my work and bored so I''m posting away.

[Cliche]

Every time there is a post that offends OW's in any way, someone serves up this line. Thank you Cliche for keeping with the tradition. I could say "How Cliche", but that's too corny for even me.

Because it's never true? Somehow, I doubt that.

[NoIDidn't]

I think she was voicing what many of us BW's have thought about as well. It doesn't do her any good to talk to us, we wonder the same thing. The best place for her to post is to the people she is questioning, the OW.

 

Some OW have no problem telling us our H's don't love us and they only stay for the kids or money. They try to convince us that we really aren't happy and we are just fools for believing we are. But, question the actions of the OW and we are told that it's not constructive.

 

Personally, I don't understand why a woman would get involved with a MM, so it really doesn't bother me when they can't understand my situation. But, I don't think anyone should tell this OP that her post doesn't belong here just because they don't agree.

 

If all goes like usual, the next question will be "HN if you're so happy, why are you here?" Or, "HN, why aren't you with your H, where is he?". So I will save the space and answer now. H is at home with the kids, I'm at work waiting for my partner to get back from dinner so I can go home. Done with my work and bored so I''m posting away.

 

Very well said.

 

Guess it goes to prove that if you say something enough times, it makes it true? Maybe it only applies when someone is listening? Hmmmmm

[OWoman]

Look, here's how it works from the perspective of an ex-BW. OW/OMs don't care about you or your family.

 

If by "family" you mean the kids, rather than the BWs siblings and parents, then you're wrong on that. I care very much for MM's family (kids, as well as siblings and parents) and they for me. It's the BW none of us care for. (Well, the kids obviously have some mixed feelings, and I'm trying to encourage them not to hate on her totally but to see her as ill and to respond with compassion rather than total rejection.)

[OWoman]

She was not telling you to be responsible for what the her husband did. She is telling to look at what is caused because you chose not to take responsibility for yourselves.

 

I take full responsibility for myself. But I don't see what that has to do with what she posted. Her H was texting some kid. I really don't see what that remotely has to do with me?

[OWoman]

And this is what I don't really get from people who willing stay involved with their married lover... Emotions aside, why would you want scraps? Are you not better than that? Don't you deserve better than that?

 

Oh I've never had "scraps" from any of my MMs. If anyone got "scraps" it would have been the Ws. Should I pass your enquiry on to them?

[OWoman]

I was just reminding the ow out there that a lot of hurt is caused to the family who is losing the H.

 

My MM's family did not "lose the H". They dumped the W. The family is still very much intact, it's just that the BW is now merely peripheral to it and no longer poisoning it as she was before.

 

We're all so much happier. Well, perhaps not her, but given the wake-up call this has given her which may send her for the professional help she so desperately needs, maybe she too will find happiness some day in which case it will certainly have worked to the best for EVERYONE. Even her.

 

(Though I think it is for her best even if she doesn't get help - at least now if she wants to drink herself into a coma or drive her car into the wall, it's her choice and she doesn't have to put up with the background noise of anyone telling her that that's not a good idea. She truly is free to self-actualise in whatever direction she chooses.)