Overeacting? Catching My Long Term BF Looking at Porn.

[Loxylox]

Well, last night around 5pmish, I was playing a pc game on my computer in the other room, my bf was on the couch in the corner playing PS3, but he was in the corner of the couch, where he NEVER sits, coincidently it was perfect angle/view to where I was sitting. I figured something fishy was going on cause he kept looking over at me, and switching the ps3 game to another ps3, and looking on the web browser. I came over and asked him what he was up to, (Im not stupid lol). He said he wasn't doing anything, and told me to stop being insecure blah blah blah type of stuff, so that was fine with me (but I still knew he was up to something, just didn't know what yet) anyways time goes by ,its getting late I head off to bed, ask if he's coming, he decides to play another round of warhawk which is like 20 minutes per game, so whatever I head to bed (don't sleep) half hour rolls by I hear him turn off the tv, he heads up stairs for 2 minutes comes back down,I think he checked on me, but I was pretending to sleep, so he goes back to the tv , flips through the channels in the other room (I can see the light reflecting off the walls in my bedroom from the TV) and the lights we're the exact same on the walls, like he kept clicking or looking at the same thing, so I get up peek around the corner, just normal tv channel guide, than I go back to lay down, he comes sneaking in , not knowing im still awake, goes back out, I sneak back out stand about 9 feet behind him watching what he was doing, the little bugger was on his PS3 Web browser looking at porn, getting ready to **** off, but looked like he was trying to find a "good" one. I was soo upset and dissappointed in him, anyways he turns around looking all excited for his "find" but stopped going to go check up on me, because I was standing there... The look on his face! woah lol I can't describe the embarrassment, and the "oh crap" look. I didn't freak out, but I was a little shakey and teary eyed because we made a pinky promise that he would not look nor watch that stuff behind me back, unless I was with him, and when I do accuse him of looking at that stuff (even if he might not have) he always tells me "Im not like, I love you" (we've been together for 2 half years), and all this stuff, and he knows how I feel about trust, I already have difficulties trusting people, and he knows that, but yet he goes behind my back and hurts me, when he knows im in the other room "sleeping".. Im still upset and I don't know what to do because I love him, but theres no trust there anymore, and everytime I try to tell him something is hurting me or bothering me that something he did, in this case I told him how could you mis-trust me? he says "well you we're on plenty of fish" (Dating site) but I wasn't on there to meet anyone, and he was right beside me, because we got into an argument, I only went on the site to get attention from him and thats it! he also made this issue look like I did something wrong... What should I do?

[PandorasBox]

"But there's no trust there anymore."

 

Maybe its time to move on.

[blair08]

So it was discussed before, and he told you he wouldn't look at it behind your back, and you are ok with it as long as you look at it together. BUT he went and looked at it behind your back anyway?

 

Maybe you should be with someone you can trust more. Someone who will stand by what it is they said they would do or wouldn't do.

[sally4sara]

I try to tell him something is hurting me or bothering me that something he did, in this case I told him how could you mis-trust me? he says "well you we're on plenty of fish" (Dating site) but I wasn't on there to meet anyone, and he was right beside me, because we got into an argument, I only went on the site to get attention from him and thats it! he also made this issue look like I did something wrong... What should I do?

 

So you actively sought out some way to make him feel insecure about your intentions and whether or not he can trust you?

 

What should you do? How about stopping all the mind games for starters.

[blair08]

"I only went on that site to get attention from him and thats it! he also made this isue look like I did something wrong."

 

Sorry, forgot about this part of your post. I agree with the other poster, this seems like game playing to me. Maybe you both do need to break it off until there is more maturity going on.

[Loxylox]

So you actively sought out some way to make him feel insecure about your intentions and whether or not he can trust you?

 

What should you do? How about stopping all the mind games for starters.

 

 

But he dosen't care if I go on it, thats what Im trying to say, but when I catch him doing something, he goes right back to what I did thats the only time he complains about it.

[blair08]

But he dosen't care if I go on it, thats what Im trying to say, but when I catch him doing something, he goes right back to what I did thats the only time he complains about it.

 

 

So in other words, he says he doesn't care if you go on there, but if you bring up something he has done, he throws up in your face you being on that site? Is that what you're meaning?

 

Maybe it does bother him you're on that site, and thats why he brings it up or goes on the porn? OR maybe if he thinks its ok you're on that site, then he feels you should be ok with him on the porn? I'm not saying thats a justification, but you both should sit down and talk more and communicate better about what is and is not acceptable in the relationship.

[Enema]

He pinky swore (are you 12?) that he wouldn't look at it without you because he knows porn isn't a big deal but that women overreact and he wanted to avoid an argument and potential breakup.

 

He never intended to keep the promise, he probably thought he could hide it from you.

 

IMO, you're over-reacting, you shouldn't try to control him because of your insecurities. He should be able to look at porn and fire off some knuckle children whenever he wants as long as your sex life isn't suffering because of it.

[JackJack]

Tell him you'll keep your mouth shut about him viewing porn but that he needs to also keep his mouth shut about you being on that site you go to.

[sally4sara]

But he dosen't care if I go on it, thats what Im trying to say, but when I catch him doing something, he goes right back to what I did thats the only time he complains about it.

 

Then why did it result in an argument if he doesn't care about you being on that site? Why was that what he threw back in your face? He obviously is trying to show a similarity between you cruising that site and him viewing porn. You being on that is your idea of harmless. He feels his viewing porn to be the same thing and just as harmless as you consider the site you were on.

But it is still all immature mind games. Handling things like this is a circular argument of futility.

"You watch porn so I'm going to show you how it feels by cruising a dating site. I'm then going to declare it harmless even though I feel threatened by your porn and this is my attempt to show you how I feel. How dare you take my declaration that this dating site I'm on is harmless as an indication that I now think all this porn stuff is harmless even though I am using it as an equation tool and telling you what I'm doing is harmless!"

You see how it makes no sense?

If you don't want to date a guy that watches porn, then dump the guy because he is obviously not getting it and is willing to sneak about it. But certainly don't expect to act like him and get your message across.

[Loxylox]

So in other words, he says he doesn't care if you go on there, but if you bring up something he has done, he throws up in your face you being on that site? Is that what you're meaning?

 

Maybe it does bother him you're on that site, and thats why he brings it up or goes on the porn? OR maybe if he thinks its ok you're on that site, then he feels you should be ok with him on the porn? I'm not saying thats a justification, but you both should sit down and talk more and communicate better about what is and is not acceptable in the relationship.

 

 

Ya... and everytime I talk to him about how I feel, he always brings up how he feels and what Im doing wrong, yet I always ask him to open up to me, but he won't. argggg this is soo confusing.

[Loxylox]

Tell him you'll keep your mouth shut about him viewing porn but that he needs to also keep his mouth shut about you being on that site you go to.

 

 

Its not a porn site I go to. Its a cheesy "dating" site.. But I dont go on it, even if hes not around.. I told him I love him... Oh and btw Im his first serious relationship... (Hes never been in a relationship before me)

[Loxylox]

Then why did it result in an argument if he doesn't care about you being on that site? Why was that what he threw back in your face? He obviously is trying to show a similarity between you cruising that site and him viewing porn. You being on that is your idea of harmless. He feels his viewing porn to be the same thing and just as harmless as you consider the site you were on.

But it is still all immature mind games. Handling things like this is a circular argument of futility.

"You watch porn so I'm going to show you how it feels by cruising a dating site. I'm then going to declare it harmless even though I feel threatened by your porn and this is my attempt to show you how I feel. How dare you take my declaration that this dating site I'm on is harmless as an indication that I now think all this porn stuff is harmless even though I am using it as an equation tool and telling you what I'm doing is harmless!"

You see how it makes no sense?

If you don't want to date a guy that watches porn, then dump the guy because he is obviously not getting it and is willing to sneak about it. But certainly don't expect to act like him and get your message across.

 

 

The difference though is that he's right beside me when I go on it. I was in bed "asleep", behind my back..... I wouldn't do anything behind his back that would hurt him, or break our trust.

[JackJack]

Its not a porn site I go to. Its a cheesy "dating" site.. But I dont go on it, even if hes not around.. I told him I love him... Oh and btw Im his first serious relationship... (Hes never been in a relationship before me)

 

I didn't say it was a porn site YOU went. You misread what I said.

 

Go back and re read it.

[Loxylox]

I didn't say it was a porn site YOU went. You misread what I said.

 

Go back and re read it.

 

You really do not need to be rude like that. Im not hear to take bull, Im here for opinions and experience.

 

so Please if thats the case, keep the ignorance to yourself.

[blind_otter]

The difference though is that he's right beside me when I go on it. I was in bed "asleep", behind my back..... I wouldn't do anything behind his back that would hurt him, or break our trust.

 

So you feel that him viewing porn hurts you and breaks your trust? Does it hurt you because you compare yourself to girls in porn and feel less attractive? Or do you feel that he should not masturbate at all? I'm just curious, as I have never had an issue with porn and I watch it myself, as well as with my S/O.

 

Does he view porn in excess, and does it impact your sexual relationship with him?

[JackJack]

You really do not need to be rude like that. Im not hear to take bull, Im here for opinions and experience.

 

so Please if thats the case, keep the ignorance to yourself.

 

What? I wasn't rude to you. I wanted you to go back and re read what I had orginally said. You misread the fact that you thought I said YOU were on a porn site, and thats not what I said.

[sally4sara]

The difference though is that he's right beside me when I go on it. I was in bed "asleep", behind my back..... I wouldn't do anything behind his back that would hurt him, or break our trust.

 

Why does it matter if the other person is aware? If the actions are hurtful to being with, having it put in their face isn't going to make it less hurtful. You're trying to make a huge case out of minor differences.

You obviously have some issue with him viewing porn, period. Otherwise you wouldn't put control methods on his viewing it (only with you). It still is something that bothers you and inflames your insecurities. What do you hope to accomplish by controlling the circumstances in which he views porn? If you are concerned he will grow to prefer in over you, what is watching it with you only an attempt to prevent? Why is it less of a big deal if you are in the room? Would his kissing another girl be less hurtful if he did it in front of you?

[Fun2BMe]

The difference though is that he's right beside me when I go on it. I was in bed "asleep", behind my back..... I wouldn't do anything behind his back that would hurt him, or break our trust.

 

Isn't that more painful for him, to actually see you on a dating site while he's sitting next to you?? Wouldn't it be better to at least not rub it in his face, just like how he was making sure he wouldn't rub it in yours? If my bf of 2 1/2 years was on a dating site "for attention" i'd dump him faster than it took you to realize what he was up to. You can't hold him to a standard you yourself are incapable of living up to based on your actions.

 

Instead of shaming him when he got caught, a loving gf would talk about it. The more you make it off limits, the more he will try to get away with watching it behind your back considering that it's something 99.9999% of men do.

[Loxylox]

So you feel that him viewing porn hurts you and breaks your trust? Does it hurt you because you compare yourself to girls in porn and feel less attractive? Or do you feel that he should not masturbate at all? I'm just curious, as I have never had an issue with porn and I watch it myself, as well as with my S/O.

 

Does he view porn in excess, and does it impact your sexual relationship with him?

 

 

Oh , we watched porn together before while having sex.. thats not the issue, its the fact that he promised me not to do it behind my back.... It hurts ya know.. to know that someone you care and love about is doing something to mis-trust you.

[Loxylox]

What? I wasn't rude to you. I wanted you to go back and re read what I had orginally said. You misread the fact that you thought I said YOU were on a porn site, and thats not what I said.

 

Ok i'm sorry I took it the wrong way, just the situation atm

[blind_otter]

Oh , we watched porn together before while having sex.. thats not the issue, its the fact that he promised me not to do it behind my back.... It hurts ya know.. to know that someone you care and love about is doing something to mis-trust you.

 

Why did you make him promise not to do it behind your back? Is he not allowed to masturbate without you present?

 

I'm just curious as to why this is something that you consider a betrayal of your trust.

[Loxylox]

Isn't that more painful for him, to actually see you on a dating site while he's sitting next to you?? Wouldn't it be better to at least not rub it in his face, just like how he was making sure he wouldn't rub it in yours? If my bf of 2 1/2 years was on a dating site "for attention" i'd dump him faster than it took you to realize what he was up to. You can't hold him to a standard you yourself are incapable of living up to based on your actions.

 

Instead of shaming him when he got caught, a loving gf would talk about it. The more you make it off limits, the more he will try to get away with watching it behind your back considering that it's something 99.9999% of men do.

 

what? I dont go behind his back and do things he dosen't want me too.. I don't understand why your attacking me? I do nothing to hurt him nor mis trust him.

[Loxylox]

Why did you make him promise not to do it behind your back? Is he not allowed to masturbate without you present?

 

I'm just curious as to why this is something that you consider a betrayal of your trust.

 

ya, I would rather be there, and we had this convo and he agreed.. I dont so the big deal if he agreed..

[Loxylox]

Why did you make him promise not to do it behind your back? Is he not allowed to masturbate without you present?

 

I'm just curious as to why this is something that you consider a betrayal of your trust.

because Im old fashioned, and he dosen't give two ****s about me, but yet he tells me he loves me, but when it comes down to it, its nothing. anyways thanks for everything you guys, I appreciate it