The urge to cheat is stronger than the urge not to.

[danis]

I haven't been on here in a long time. A quick catch up of my situation is this.

 

I've been having an EA for a long time, first we started out as co-workers and my excuse was that it was really hard to have N/C as we work together. Well it turns out we do not work together anymore and our situation has not changed. We talk everyday and occasionally we meet for lunch or the at the park...

 

We have not slept together but the more time we spent together the more I want to get physical. Not necessarily intercourse but I find it extremely difficult to keep my hands to myself. I even try to come up with scenerios where we can be alone and maybe just allow ourselves to cross the line just once.

 

I already know everything I am doing is wrong. I've heard it all, I know how it would affect my family and my husband. It's all bad and I know it. What I can not do is find the strength to get over this man. I've told the OM that I love him, but I really don't know if that's true or just an obsession.

 

I've tired so hard to end it and I can't, I can't confide in anyone in my family because I am ashamed. I've done all the "put yourself in your husbands place" & "just imagine what's going to happen when you get caught". I've thought about all of that. However I am weak and the desire to cheat is much stronger than the desire not to.

 

What do I do.

[blair08]

You already said "I know its wrong." and, you use the words "I can't" alot. You've also said, that "I'm weak."

 

So, I'm not real sure what adivce you want from here. It seems you have already convinced yourself that you can't break free from him.

 

You asked, "What do I do?"

 

What is it YOU want to do?

[sally4sara]

Why did you get married and what is the relationship with your husband lacking?

Try to remember the reasons you got married in the first place and talk about whatever issues have come up in your marriage with your husband. Go to see a marriage counselor and stop meeting up with the object of your temptation.

 

Haven't you ever done something hard before? If not, its about time you tried; you'll only be a stronger person for it and thats nothing to regret. Being a weak and dishonest person is.

[Owl]

Tell your H.

 

That should force a resolution to the situation one way or another.

 

See...simple answer.

[taylor]

Danis,

 

I was in your exact situation 4 months ago. My first post here was titled "Ready to cross the line." I know just how you feel.

 

However, OWL is right. Tell your husband. It will cause alot of upheaval at first but it will allow you, and him, to see the bigger picture. Reality will hit you in the face. Once you face the reality of what you are dealing with your decision will be easier to make. The resolve will follow. Good Luck.

[jon01]

What do I do.

 

Continue cheating, and make love with OM. Sounds like that's what you want to hear.

[danis]

Everybody always says tell your husband. Why would I do this? It would only cause hurt and distrust for the rest of our marriage. If I told him our marriage would be in jeopardy. If I could just learn how to eliminate my feelings for this OM I would be able to solve it on my own.

 

I know what the underlying issues are with my husband that drove me to seek the attention of this OM, and these issues are not going to go away. I've discussed them with my H and he is not willing to accept how I feel or admit that these are true issues. In fact when I bring them up, he totally freaks out.

 

Someone once told me to look up Limerence & I did, this term describes me perfectly. Perhaps I don't Love this OM, perhaps he is just an obsession.

[blair08]

"If I told him our marriage would be in jeopardy."

 

Didn't you put it in jeopardy when you took on this affair with this OM? Telling him is not what put it in jeopardy.

 

 

Have you tried asking your husband to go to marriage counseling with you? You say he knows of these issues but yet doesn't want to discuss them. If he is not willing to aknowledge the issues and talk about these issues, then you're right it wont work. So maybe you should end the marriage.

[danis]

Sally, to answer your question. Haven't I done anything hard before. No, I've never done anything this hard in my life. The loneliness without the OM in my life kills me. It's not the physical attraction part...it's the emotional attachment. He's been my strength for along time now. Can we not just remain friends?

 

I've asked my H, if he would like to go out for lunch with myself & this OM thinking that if I got the relationship out in the open and included my Husband, I could continue my friendship and keep him in my life.

[jon01]

If I could just learn how to eliminate my feelings for this OM I would be able to solve it on my own.

 

Ok, I have one idea. You and some others may not like this, but it will definitely help you and I am not trying to be smart or anything like that.

 

Try going to church once in a while, and read the Bible. Go to church with your husband and kids, and really try to be a good person. Know that deep down, what you are doing with OM is wrong, and that Jesus will give you the strength to do what is right and will make you strong and happy person again. Go to church, that is your first step.

[danis]

How do I even start to bring up marriage couselling when he doesn't think there is anything wrong.

 

He is not phyically abusive but he is mentally abusive all the time everyday, not only to me but to my children. The last time I told him he freaked out soo bad it scared the H*ll out of me. He puts me down, not name calling but I can't do anything right, nothing I do pleases him. He comes home everyday and we all cringe cuz were not sure what he's going to yell at when he comes in the door. Yeah, he calms down after he's had something to eat and manages to relax a little. and then he's all lovey dovey and wants some loving.

 

I told him I was worried he had high blood pressure and that he should see a doctor and some anger management. If he's not putting me down or yelling at me he's riding the boys. Alot of times we can't stand to be in the same room.

 

When he is on Holidays, he is a totally different Guy.

[blair08]

"How do I even start to bring up marriage couselling when he doesn't think there is anything wrong."

 

I think he does think something is wrong, and that he is part of the problem, and doesn't want to deal with that.

 

That should say alot to you right there.

[danis]

Jon, I thought I might mention that the OM, goes to church twice a week and is very involved in the Church. This doesn't seem to help him much.

[sally4sara]

If the issues in your marriage are so bad as to head towards an affair, then I recommend one of two things:

 

My top choice would be to tell your husband all of this so he can see how deeply you feel about the issues within the marriage. Maybe it will prompt him to take the issues more seriously and work on them with you. Yes he might be hurt and it could lead to a divorce, but that is where you'll end up by going the affair route anyway. You might as well end up in divorce court with as much or your integrity intact as possible.

 

Second option is to tell your husband you want a divorce if you feel so adamantly that the issues with your marriage cannot ever be resolved. Then you are free to be with whomever you want.

 

But one thing is for certain. Till you are able to be your own strength, you will not be able to find your way out of life's hardships without being underhanded and relying on others. You know good and well that if telling your husband will cause him hurt, an affair will be double that. So you obviously are not all that opposed to causing him emotional pain. This is passive aggression. And its high time you stopped living like that and did some thing hard. You will love yourself more for it I guarantee and you will either have earned a successful marriage or a guiltless right to find someone more suited to you.

[danis]

Ok, marrriage coucelling. How do I approach that subject. Just blurt it out. "I'm not happy, and would like to go to marriage councelling"?

 

Phew, that's scary.

[jon01]

Jon, I thought I might mention that the OM, goes to church twice a week and is very involved in the Church. This doesn't seem to help him much.

 

Well, don't worry about the fact that HE is going to church. It doesn't help him much because he is lost, and weak, like yourself. Meh.. I don't want to sound like a preacher, but you need to think about YOU and really following what Christ teaches, to really believe it. Evil influences are all around us, and it is a constant struggle with the forces of evil. I am not saying you are evil, but you need to have a clear frame of mind if you want to do the right thing and the teachings of Christ will help you to fight those forces.

[sally4sara]

How do I even start to bring up marriage couselling when he doesn't think there is anything wrong.

 

He is not phyically abusive but he is mentally abusive all the time everyday, not only to me but to my children. The last time I told him he freaked out soo bad it scared the H*ll out of me. He puts me down, not name calling but I can't do anything right, nothing I do pleases him. He comes home everyday and we all cringe cuz were not sure what he's going to yell at when he comes in the door. Yeah, he calms down after he's had something to eat and manages to relax a little. and then he's all lovey dovey and wants some loving.

 

I told him I was worried he had high blood pressure and that he should see a doctor and some anger management. If he's not putting me down or yelling at me he's riding the boys. Alot of times we can't stand to be in the same room.

 

When he is on Holidays, he is a totally different Guy.

 

He doesn't sound like he has high blood pressure. He sounds like he has low blood sugar. Maybe suggest he eats something lite but protein rich an hour or so before he comes home? I have blood sugar issues and DAMN can it make me cranky sometimes. It was worse before I learned to graze eat or take smaller more frequent meals.

[jon01]

Sorry... I mean to take back what I said. He is lost and weak, not you. I think you are stronger, as you are fighting within yourself about what to do.

[danis]

He does have very bad eating habits. Sometimes he will wait for hours and hours before eating something because he wants to wait till he gets home to eat what I made him for dinner.

 

Sometimes that's not until 9pm

[danis]

No Jon you were right the first time. I am weak and definetly lost. I'm just miserable all the time now. I find myself defensive over every little thing he says. Maybe I have a low self esteem and it's really not all that bad.

 

It's little stuff....like...."What did you do all day'? (on my day off)

or...don't park there...I would of assumed that you ironed my shirts today...go turn off the bathroom light....can you go get me the flashlight.

 

"How bout, get off your a**, and get it yourself!

 

I'm at the end of my rope.

[danis]

This is why I find it sooo hard to loose the OM. He has been there for me, I don't tell him everything but I find comfort in knowing I can talk to someone without being judged or ridiculed.

 

I want a best friend and he is there. Why can't he just be my BF? Is that so wrong?

[blair08]

Why do you feel he talks to you and treats you the way he does?

 

He needs to know his actions and words towards you are not acceptable. He sounds hateful and disrespectful. He either wants to work on the marriage or he doesn't. If he chooses NOT to, then the ball is in your court on what you feel you need to do.

[danis]

I've told him 100 times, that what he says is hurtful and that he is not nice to me or the kids.

 

He says he understands, that he doesn't mean to be. But when I told him he was mentally abusive he flipped out and throws that one in my face every once in awhile.

[sally4sara]

This is why I find it sooo hard to loose the OM. He has been there for me, I don't tell him everything but I find comfort in knowing I can talk to someone without being judged or ridiculed.

 

I want a best friend and he is there. Why can't he just be my BF? Is that so wrong?

 

It is if the emotional connection makes you want to take it to the physical level and you know it. Don't play dumb; its unbecoming. You are a parent and obligated to be a good example to your children.

[blair08]

I've told him 100 times, that what he says is hurtful and that he is not nice to me or the kids.

 

He says he understands, that he doesn't mean to be. But when I told him he was mentally abusive he flipped out and throws that one in my face every once in awhile.

 

 

You probably shouldn't have told him he was mentally abusive even though you know he probably is. Telling him he is, isn't going to make it any better for gim or you and the kids.

 

If he doesn't "mean to be" then there is a reason he keeps doing it. He is getting something from it. My guess is control. He sees you and the kids as not going anywhere, and not taking any action on reinforcing how you feel about what he is doing, therefore he is more likely not going to change his actions and will keep doing it.

 

Decide what YOU want to do. If you want to work on your marriage and so does you H, you need to go NC with this OM so you can dedicate your full attention to the marriage. If you feel you H doesn't want to work on things and you simply do not see things changing, then end it with him so you can be with your OM. OM or no OM, your husband is being mentally abusive, to you and your kids, and you should think more of yourself and kids to put up with that.