The urge to cheat is stronger than the urge not to.

[jon01]

Hey Danis, I got the following from the web but I thought it would be a good read for you and others (myself included). Again, I am not trying to be preachy or come across like some saint, because I am far from it. But this stuff is good to review every now and again, and it is important to understand:

 

Why Is It Wrong To Commit Adultery?

Adultery is wrong because it breaks one of the first covenants established in the bible. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Ge. 2:24 NKJV) Marriage is a covenant or a commitment. If the integrity (virginity) of the wife was in tact at the time of the marriage then a blood covenant was established on the wedding night (note that lack of sexual purity on either parties part does not weaken the level of commitment each is expected to adhere to). Adultery is a violation or breaking of that covenant. Man and woman were made to come together and stay together.

 

It is important to understand that adultery is more than just cheating on your spouse. Sex is more than just a physical act, it is spiritual as well. It is not two bodies lying together for a short time it is two spirits coming together in the most intimate way in which two human beings can encounter one another. They are not meant to separate at this point. When this happens a tearing occurs and that is what causes pain. This is one of the reasons that divorce is so painful for both the man and woman. As a matter of fact, the only biblical excuse for divorce is adultery. “But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual impurity causes her to commit adultery…” (Mt. 5:32 NKJV)

 

Do I Have To Have Sex In Order To Commit Adultery?

No! According to the Word of God all you have to do is lust after someone other than your spouse. Adultery begins in the heart long before it becomes physical. “You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Mt. 5:27, 28 NKJV)

 

How Did Adultery Become A Part Of Your Life?

It came about by choices that you made. You have to choose to lust after someone other than your spouse. You have to choose to take the first step in making contact with the person you desire. You choose to set a time and place to meet. You choose to lay down with that person in a physical relationship. Adultery comes about by choice. Just as you choose to commit adultery you can choose to honor your wedding vows and be faithful to your spouse. “Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”, for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire is conceived, it gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” (James 1:13-15 NKJV)

 

How is adultery affecting the lives of your loved ones?

Adultery will have long-lasting devastating affects on your loved ones. This occurs through your time spent away from home while committing adultery. It can occur through the distraction you may encounter just thinking about the other person. Anything that takes your time and attention away from your home, spouse, children, family or friends will impact them tremendously. Shame or guilt caused by adultery will tend to make one distant or withdrawn this will affect your relationships on many different levels.

[Ladyjane14]

This is why I find it sooo hard to loose the OM. He has been there for me, I don't tell him everything but I find comfort in knowing I can talk to someone without being judged or ridiculed.

 

I want a best friend and he is there. Why can't he just be my BF? Is that so wrong?

 

Yup.

Because what you give to OM is taken directly from your husband's plate. It's your husband who's lacking a "best friend" when you allow an opposite sex friend to usurp his emotional role in your life or when you start fulfilling that role for someone other than him.

 

Your marriage is being starved of emotional energy by your obsession with this OM. Do you honestly believe that if you lived with this guy full time, he'd never ask you to fetch the flashlight or tell you to turn off the bathroom light? C'mon. That's not realistic.

 

You've been married for twenty years. You're obviously not some green kid who believes she "can't help" the way she feels. You can, and for the sake of everything you truly hold dear... you'd do well to get a hold on yourself.

 

Self control, when applied to obsessive thoughts and wayward emotions, is not easy. But it's do-able.

The trick is to not "feed the beast", whether it be in thought or deed.

 

 

 

p.s. I'm in agreement with Sara. That sounds like blood sugar to me too.

[sally4sara]

You probably shouldn't have told him he was mentally abusive even though you know he probably is. Telling him he is, isn't going to make it any better for gim or you and the kids.

 

If he doesn't "mean to be" then there is a reason he keeps doing it. He is getting something from it. My guess is control. He sees you and the kids as not going anywhere, and not taking any action on reinforcing how you feel about what he is doing, therefore he is more likely not going to change his actions and will keep doing it.

 

Decide what YOU want to do. If you want to work on your marriage and so does you H, you need to go NC with this OM so you can dedicate your full attention to the marriage. If you feel you H doesn't want to work on things and you simply do not see things changing, then end it with him so you can be with your OM. OM or no OM, your husband is being mentally abusive, to you and your kids, and you should think more of yourself and kids to put up with that.

 

But the examples she sited are not overly cruel or even outright attacks to a person's character as emotionally abusive people typically are. The examples she sited sound much more like a person too grumpy to mind his manners. He definitely sounds like he has low blood sugar. It makes you feel exhausted, drained, overloaded, and unable to manage many tasks at a time. You become snappish and crabby.

Does he get a yearly check up? He should have his blood sugar levels looked at.

[Angel1111]

If your husband is abusive, you need to get out of that relationship. Period. It's got nothing to do with this other man. And there's nothing to discuss. He will always be that way and it will only get worse. That's a promise. Leave as soon as possible. I agree that you shouldn't tell your husband - that's an incredibly bad idea.

 

And, by the way, I personally hate it when people try to call 'love' by another name. You know what love is. If you weren't in a lousy marriage, you'd be with this other guy. As long as he's not abusive, too.

 

So what did the other man say when you told him that you love him?

[blair08]

But the examples she sited are not overly cruel or even outright attacks to a person's character as emotionally abusive people typically are. The examples she sited sound much more like a person too grumpy to mind his manners. He definitely sounds like he has low blood sugar. It makes you feel exhausted, drained, overloaded, and unable to manage many tasks at a time. You become snappish and crabby.

Does he get a yearly check up? He should have his blood sugar levels looked at.

 

 

That very well may be the case. Hopefully he will go to the doctor and get that checked out. That is assuming if she mentions him going that he wont take her head for it. If he is acting like as ass more so than not though, I would be more inclined to think its not low blood sugar. I could see that once in a while if the blood sugar was low.

[Angel1111]

If you FEEL abused, then you ARE abused. If you and the kids can't stand to be in the same room with him, he's abusive. If you and the kids fear his mood when he gets home, he's abusive. He's got all of you walking on eggshells. This is a classic abuser who will become a physical abuser in a few years.

 

I can save you years of wasting your time - abusive people know exactly what they're doing and they will only stop long enough to keep you with them before starting the cycle again. There is no reasoning with them. Read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" and you'll understand it way better than I could ever explain it. More importantly, you'll understand that you cannot fix this. Bancroft has handled thousands of abusers, and I love the fact that this is a male talking about abusers, instead of a woman. Just don't let your husband see the book or you'll be in for another temper tantrum.

 

Is the OM married?

[PandorasBox]

You stated:

 

"He is mentally abusive all the time everyday."

 

"He puts me down. I can't do anything right."

 

"Nothing I do pleases him."

 

"He comes home everyday and we all cringe cuz we are not sure what he is going to yell at when he comes throught the door."

 

"If he's not putting me down or yelling at me, then he is riding the boys."

 

I'm sorry but this doesn't sound like low blood pressure to me. It COULD be, BUT you stated he does this everyday all the time. He needs to be seen by a doctor, the problem is, will he go?

[Trialbyfire]

Why are you still married? If you no longer like or respect your husband, it's not solely your responsibility to make the marriage work. Get out before this gets worse.

 

Having said that, what you're doing to the family unit is very selfish, with your EA.

[sally4sara]

That very well may be the case. Hopefully he will go to the doctor and get that checked out. That is assuming if she mentions him going that he wont take her head for it. If he is acting like as ass more so than not though, I would be more inclined to think its not low blood sugar. I could see that once in a while if the blood sugar was low.

 

My blood sugar levels would effect my mood everyday if I didn't monitor my diet regularly.

Every once in a while, I'll be negligent about it. I might have a donut for breakfast over my normal egg sandwich for example or not make sure to eat till much later and every time I do I get bitchy.

[sally4sara]

You stated:

 

"He is mentally abusive all the time everyday."

 

"He puts me down. I can't do anything right."

 

"Nothing I do pleases him."

 

"He comes home everyday and we all cringe cuz we are not sure what he is going to yell at when he comes throught the door."

 

"If he's not putting me down or yelling at me, then he is riding the boys."

 

I'm sorry but this doesn't sound like low blood pressure to me. It COULD be, BUT you stated he does this everyday all the time. He needs to be seen by a doctor, the problem is, will he go?

 

Not low blood pressure; low blood SUGAR. As in similar to how diabetes works. Diabetics can even become violent due to blood sugar and insulin fluctuations. She has already stated that he is fine after he eats and when on vacation (where you eat more and more regularly) and is very loving after meals.

It doesn't in anyway mean she should put up with abuse, but nothing she used as an example was outrageous.

And even if it is a blood sugar issue, if she doesn't love the man anymore and doesn't want to stay married, she doesn't HAVE to, but if she would wish to remain if his mood swings improved, shouldn't they see if blood sugar levels might be the cause?

[PandorasBox]

Not low blood pressure; low blood SUGAR. As in similar to how diabetes works. Diabetics can even become violent due to blood sugar and insulin fluctuations. She has already stated that he is fine after he eats and when on vacation (where you eat more and more regularly) and is very loving after meals.

It doesn't in anyway mean she should put up with abuse, but nothing she used as an example was outrageous.

And even if it is a blood sugar issue, if she doesn't love the man anymore and doesn't want to stay married, she doesn't HAVE to, but if she would wish to remain if his mood swings improved, shouldn't they see if blood sugar levels might be the cause?

 

 

Yes I meant low blood sugar. Anyway yes, something is causing him to act that way. It doesn't sound like thats what it is to me, but yes it could be.

 

I hope if the OP suggests him going to the medical doctor that he goes, so they can see for sure if thats the case, then she would know better what she might be dealing with.

[EnigmasMuse]

I just want to make sure I understand this correctly.

 

After he eats and relaxes he calms down. OK I get that, but are you saying he never says those things or is abusive acting to you except only when he has not had anything to eat? He has never acted like that to you any other time?

[NoIDidn't]

Hi LJ!! Thought you were never coming back! Glad to see you!

 

It does sound like a blood sugar issue. My H can be the same way as can I, and we are not abusers even if other people FEEL abused by our crankiness.

 

Jon01 said something that I'd like to add on to. I don't think that the OP really wants to end things because she's resorted to attacking her H's character to defend her actions. If you have to bring another person's behavior in to defend your own, you are rationalizing your actions and just trying to justify them IMO.

 

danis wants to be told that she is not a bad person for the way that she feels. And she probably isn't.

 

My advice: check ups for both of you and a commitment to taking better care of yourselves, marriage counselling, and dumping the friend (for now to see how these changes help for at least 6 months).

 

Your marriage sounds very fixable. It would be a shame to end it based on a fantasy world.

[twice_shy]

I already know everything I am doing is wrong. I've heard it all, I know how it would affect my family and my husband. It's all bad and I know it. What I can not do is find the strength to get over this man.

 

Nothing. Its in your character and you will never be happy married to the same guy for too long.

 

 

I've told the OM that I love him, but I really don't know if that's true or just an obsession.

 

Either way, major disrespect to your husband. Have you considered getting a divorce since you want to betray him like this?

 

 

I've tired so hard to end it and I can't, I can't confide in anyone in my family because I am ashamed. I've done all the "put yourself in your husbands place" & "just imagine what's going to happen when you get caught". I've thought about all of that. However I am weak and the desire to cheat is much stronger than the desire not to.

 

What do I do.

 

get a divorce. You WANT to cheat, therefore its not fair to your husband.

 

You said it yourself, the desire to cheat is much stronger than the desire not to. That part of your character isn't going to change.

[twice_shy]

Everybody always says tell your husband. Why would I do this?

 

Because as long as you are getting away with it, you won't change the situation. that and he deserves to know that you want to cheat on him.

 

 

It would only cause hurt and distrust for the rest of our marriage.

 

Well right now you aren't worthy of trust are you? You need to face the consequences of your actions.

 

But my guess is you don't want to tell him because you don't want to end this affair and you are hoping it crosses over into a physical affair.

 

So just divorce him.

 

 

If I told him our marriage would be in jeopardy.

 

Its in jeopardy because of what you are doing, not if you tell him.

 

 

If I could just learn how to eliminate my feelings for this OM I would be able to solve it on my own.

 

Nothing would help that better than the fear of losing your home and security. I would have included your husband in that list of losses, but since you want to cheat on him, you really don't care about him that much in the first place.

 

 

I know what the underlying issues are with my husband that drove me to seek the attention of this OM, and these issues are not going to go away. I've discussed them with my H and he is not willing to accept how I feel or admit that these are true issues. In fact when I bring them up, he totally freaks out.

 

Lemme guess....this is all his fault?

[twice_shy]

It's not the physical attraction part...it's the emotional attachment. He's been my strength for along time now. Can we not just remain friends?

 

ABSOLUTELY NOT

 

 

I've asked my H, if he would like to go out for lunch with myself & this OM thinking that if I got the relationship out in the open and included my Husband, I could continue my friendship and keep him in my life.

 

Ok, thats it, just get a divorce. You want to continue disrespecting your husband by keeping the man in your life as a friend? Sorry, you will NEVER see this man as simply a friend. He will always be there and you will always want to cross that line with him.

 

But I digress because I just read the part about the mental abuse to you and the kids. So why would you want to stay with him? If you think the mental abuse is bad now, what do you think is gonna happen if/when he finds out??

[danis]

Thank you all, it's all very sound advice. I will ask him to go see the doctor once more. Yes I would say 80% of the time he's cranky is because he is hungry. Also he likes to be in control, I've lived like this for many years and tolerated it, so I quess it's my fault too. I've always pampered him and doted on him and now I'm tired and don't want to do it anymore.

 

Getting a divorce or separated is not even a thought or option. I do Love him and that is the furthest thing from my mind. That's why I won't even consider telling him about my EA. I don't want to hurt him or my kids. Yeah I know, I'm already hurting them by having the EA.

 

When I think of the OM, never would I even consider a life with him even if I was single. We just have something special and that's why I question myself when I think of the OM. Do I really love him or do I just have an obsession.

[torranceshipman]

Think of it this way...imagine you can ONLY have the OM who you have a crush on, or your H....which would you choose?

 

If its your H, then for goodness sake woman, lose the stupid crush (you dont love him-you dont even know him that well) - because its very likely your H will find out you've been having sex with another man behind his back (sounds like its headed that way), with all the little texts, clandestine meetings, etc on top...and then you'll get OM by default as your H wont want you anymore. And even if he did you'd have kinda tainted the M by then anyway. Dont do it!

[twice_shy]

Thank you all, it's all very sound advice. I will ask him to go see the doctor once more. Yes I would say 80% of the time he's cranky is because he is hungry. Also he likes to be in control, I've lived like this for many years and tolerated it, so I quess it's my fault too. I've always pampered him and doted on him and now I'm tired and don't want to do it anymore.

 

Getting a divorce or separated is not even a thought or option.

 

But cheating is?? ..uh.....ok:confused:

 

 

I do Love him and that is the furthest thing from my mind.

 

Ya, you just want to cheat on him....thats all.

 

 

That's why I won't even consider telling him about my EA.

 

You'd much rather keep quiet in hopes that it turns physical.

 

 

I don't want to hurt him or my kids.

 

Too late for that.

[danis]

So is there councelling I can go to for by myself?

[EnigmasMuse]

So is there councelling I can go to for by myself?

 

 

You can go to indvidual counseling. It would be great if your H would agree to go with you to marriage counseling too.

[danis]

Torrance, If I was single I still wouldn't choose to be with the OM. It's so messed up. He's not even that attractive, he's not my type and yet I turn to him for my support and value his friendship. I do have deep feelings for this OM, but would I be with him if I was single. No.

 

It has been a slow growing friendship for many years and has gotten out of hand. I depend on him, I long to talk to him everyday.

 

Yeah, I know I'm totally messed up and confused and have been for 3 years.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I already know everything I am doing is wrong. I've heard it all, I know how it would affect my family and my husband. It's all bad and I know it. What I can not do is find the strength to get over this man. I've told the OM that I love him, but I really don't know if that's true or just an obsession.

 

You may know everything is wrong. You may have heart it all before. But, you have not accepted it. You have not taken ownership in your actions. You aren't willing to take the steps necessary. The steps are...

 

1) Come clean to your spouse.

2) Come clean to your family.

3) Forgiven yourself for your actions.

4) Swallowed your pride and asked for help.

5) Come to terms with what issues are in your marriage.

 

I've tired so hard to end it and I can't, I can't confide in anyone in my family because I am ashamed. I've done all the "put yourself in your husbands place" & "just imagine what's going to happen when you get caught". I've thought about all of that. However I am weak and the desire to cheat is much stronger than the desire not to.

 

You have not tried. The steps you did apparently weren't good enough.

 

What do I do.

 

1) Stop feeling sorry for yourself and boldly accept you were wrong...

2) Tell your husband and family of your indiscretions.

3) Admit to them you need help in getting over your feelings.

4) Get help, there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional for issues you can't help.

 

 

DNR

[stoopid_guy]

Danis, it seems like your heart wants to keep your marriage and have this guy on the side too. Ask yourself:

 

Can I keep it a secret? (Be honest.)

How would the potential OM feel about being an OM? Is he married or single?

How do you expect the affair to end? Will the OM want you to leave your home and family? Or will you get bored with each other?

 

In all probability, if you have this affair it's going to be a few months of bliss. If you can be discreet and your hubby thinks nothing is wrong, you will probably not get caught. Yes, it'll be an emotional drain on your marriage, but will your husband miss it? Does he need your emotional support? Can you live with the guilt? (Not a rhetorical question.) Have you ever deceived your hubby before? Gotten away with it?

[danis]

Stoopid guy, the OM is married.(for now) His marriage is bad and that's why he's turned to me as well. In fact he may be on the verge of divorce. No he's never asked me to give up my H or family. I told him I was in Love with my H.

 

It's never even been a question, like I said I don't think myself & the OM, would ever be a couple if we were both single. I think we just cling together now because of our situations.