The urge to cheat is stronger than the urge not to.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think H knows better than to believe she'll confess. After years of OP's denials and lies (half truths, omitions...whatever...it's all not the truth) H probably doesn't think confronting his wife would amount to much more than DENY, DENY, DENY on the part of OP.

 

However, Whichwayisup, I think you're right about something. H probably recognizes the glow that OP comes home with after a "good day" with OM. For me, the experience was watching how my wife's mood would shift when she didn't have access to the OM or how she'd be brightened when OM would sugar her with BS compliments and validation.

 

People are usually more intuitive than we believe them to be. My prediction is the same...H is biding his time. Ultimately, I wouldn't be surprised if he's not documenting and planning for burning OP in a messy divorce. Heck, who could blame him?

 

Again...my speculation.

 

Yeah alot of times. when you know something is wrong in your gut. your instinct is right. It's sad because she may think she's getting away with it, and the husband could know the entire time he just doesnt want to say anything because he wants her to admit it. but with any cheater it's always denial.

[Mz. Pixie]

Listen to Mz. Pixie, she's been through it! Her Ex. hubby, children, and people around there probably still HATE her for all the crap she put them through! And how many years ago was that? My point is, people don't forget crap like that!

 

 

Darth is right on one account, you should listen to me.

Do not do it, for your own sake if not for everyone elses.

 

My exhusband will always hate me and that's his right- however-my children do not.

 

I cannot go back and change what I did Danis. I come here basically to help people not to make the same mistake I did.

 

I was at counseling just yesterday going over some of my guilt issues about the whole thing. It's been over four years since all of that nonsense and it still bothers me.

 

You gotta do NC with OM. That's the only way.

[danis]

Thanks all. That's alot of information to absorb. I will take your advice on the NC, but I'm still hesitant on telling the H. I will give it some serious thought though.

[ntucci12]

I haven't been on here in a long time. A quick catch up of my situation is this.

 

I've been having an EA for a long time, first we started out as co-workers and my excuse was that it was really hard to have N/C as we work together. Well it turns out we do not work together anymore and our situation has not changed. We talk everyday and occasionally we meet for lunch or the at the park...

 

We have not slept together but the more time we spent together the more I want to get physical. Not necessarily intercourse but I find it extremely difficult to keep my hands to myself. I even try to come up with scenerios where we can be alone and maybe just allow ourselves to cross the line just once.

 

I already know everything I am doing is wrong. I've heard it all, I know how it would affect my family and my husband. It's all bad and I know it. What I can not do is find the strength to get over this man. I've told the OM that I love him, but I really don't know if that's true or just an obsession.

 

I've tired so hard to end it and I can't, I can't confide in anyone in my family because I am ashamed. I've done all the "put yourself in your husbands place" & "just imagine what's going to happen when you get caught". I've thought about all of that. However I am weak and the desire to cheat is much stronger than the desire not to.

 

What do I do.

 

Why get married? No seriously why did you get married? Hmm...I know it’s wrong to leave my dog in the car in direct sunlight for hours on end...I get it.... but I am obsessed with making choices that completely contradict my perceived level of responsibility. If only I could summon the strength to roll the windows down for him...I know its all wrong, but it feels so good to cross the line! Do me a favor...Please help me with this stupid "scenerio" and perhaps I can help you with yours. If you truly have heard it all, then my suspicions have been confirmed. Do you know who the father(s) of your children is? Or is just another case of Immaculate Conception? You know it's "Not necessarily intercourse". Sorry if I seem heated but your selfishness is a tad ridiculous! People *****If you suspect you are being cheated on...this is a great example of what your up against**** Confirm you're suspicions visit my link below!

[Owl]

Danis...if you don't change anything...then don't expect anything to change.

 

Your H has no reason to change. He has no reason to believe that you're truly considering ending the marriage.

 

Telling him provides him REASON...reason to change, reason to end the marriage...reason to end the cycle your in in some fashion.

 

Honestly...while I think you're in a rough time right now, I really don't feel any kind of sorrow for it...because at the end of the day...its exactly where YOU are choosing to keep things.

 

If you want to avoid telling your H because you don't want to accept the responsibility of your choice to cheat...then you also choose to accept your marriage situation exactly as it is.

 

There really isnt any more advice anyone can give you until YOU decide to change something. NOT YOUR HUSBAND...YOU.

[taylor]

I agree and I do wonder if it's possible that her H knows and that's why he's not treating her well. Maybe he's biding his time, seeing if she'll confess. Never say never Danis - Anything is possible. I'm sure your H knows you well and HAS noticed that you've been emotionally distant and detached, yet have a "special" glow due to your OM and the feelings he brings out in you. Your H isn't a stupid man.

 

 

Could very well be the case.

 

My husband had suspicions 5 months before D-day. Was too afraid to confront me. Grew very irritable, cranky and critical as I withdrew from him.

 

He also noticed "the glow" and how it would disappear soon after I returned home from work.

 

He said he knew something was up. He said he felt panicky and insecure inside, which made him moody and irritable to the point where he wanted to lash out at me with criticism and emotional distancing.

 

All this ended when the truth came out. He said he felt "relieved" and that in some ways the "not knowing" was worse than "knowing" the truth...that at least he knew then what he was dealing with.

[danis]

No, he's always been cranky even when he was young and lived at home with his parents.

 

I've just learned over the years how to tolerate it. You know give him his space when he's ugly, leave the room...never argue back...give him something to eat...give him some sex.

 

.....then he's a happy guy all over again!

[danis]

However, I must admit he would have to be pretty dumb not to notice that I've been different so maybe he is insecure.

[Trialbyfire]

However, I must admit he would have to be pretty dumb not to notice that I've been different so maybe he is insecure.

Wow, no wonder your marriage is in a state of disaster! If you expect him to read your mind to make things okay, you're deliberately sabotaging the marriage.

[Owl]

Danis...have you read my advice to you?

[whichwayisup]

I've just learned over the years how to tolerate it. You know give him his space when he's ugly, leave the room...never argue back...give him something to eat...give him some sex.

 

Just like he's learned to tolerate you during your PMS moments, any bad moods etc.. THIS is just a given when one is married or in a relationship. It's called picking your battles and giving eachother space when needed.

 

TBF is right, communication obviously has been missing from your marriage for while, hense the state it's in now.

 

However, I must admit he would have to be pretty dumb not to notice that I've been different so maybe he is insecure.

 

You say that like he's a big fool. IF he hasn't noticed, it's because you two have detached from eachother and he either just doesn't care or maybe it's possible he TRUSTS you so you cheating isn't something he'd consider you doing.

[Darth Vader]

Darth is right on one account, you should listen to me.

Do not do it, for your own sake if not for everyone elses.

 

My exhusband will always hate me and that's his right- however-my children do not.

 

I cannot go back and change what I did Danis. I come here basically to help people not to make the same mistake I did.

 

I was at counseling just yesterday going over some of my guilt issues about the whole thing. It's been over four years since all of that nonsense and it still bothers me.

 

You gotta do NC with OM. That's the only way.

 

 

Your Ex husband makes tw- aah forget it!

[blair08]

No, he's always been cranky even when he was young and lived at home with his parents.

 

I've just learned over the years how to tolerate it. You know give him his space when he's ugly, leave the room...never argue back...give him something to eat...give him some sex.

 

.....then he's a happy guy all over again!

 

 

Ahhh so you know the behavior he displays, and you're allowing it, by "tolerating" it, so therefore WHY should he change? He is getting what he wants. You're his doormat with the things he says to you, you give him what he wants, like sex no matter what he says or how he treats you, and all is well for the moment until he treats you like crap again.....So its a vicious cycle that no one wants to break then. OK, got it.

[jon01]

No, he's always been cranky even when he was young and lived at home with his parents.

 

I've just learned over the years how to tolerate it. You know give him his space when he's ugly, leave the room...never argue back...give him something to eat...give him some sex.

 

.....then he's a happy guy all over again!

 

Is there anything good about your husband? Why did you marry him? Do you not have a single positive thing to say about him?

[mental_traveller]

Tell your H.

 

That should force a resolution to the situation one way or another.

 

See...simple answer.

 

I'll save her wasting breath and tell you her answer:

 

"I can't tell my husband!"

[mental_traveller]

Everybody always says tell your husband. Why would I do this? It would only cause hurt and distrust for the rest of our marriage. If I told him our marriage would be in jeopardy. If I could just learn how to eliminate my feelings for this OM I would be able to solve it on my own.

 

I know what the underlying issues are with my husband that drove me to seek the attention of this OM, and these issues are not going to go away. I've discussed them with my H and he is not willing to accept how I feel or admit that these are true issues. In fact when I bring them up, he totally freaks out.

 

Someone once told me to look up Limerence & I did, this term describes me perfectly. Perhaps I don't Love this OM, perhaps he is just an obsession.

 

So predictable.

 

Telling your husband would jeopardize your marriage and cause distress. And bouncing up and down on this other guy's schlong wouldn't? C'mon, get serious now.

 

You have *already* jeopardized your marriage. You're in damage limitation mode now. It's not a choice between the easy route and the hard route. It's a choice between the hard route, or the much harder and more destructive route. Just like having to amputate a gangrenous limb, you are in trouble either way. Better to root out the problem now, than let it become 10 times worse.

 

The choice is tell your husband now, or let him find out later and be even more mad at you. At least you haven't screwed this guy yet. There is hope for you at least, IF you tell him. If you don't, then you will cheat and ruin your life.

[danis]

Yes Owl...I have read your advice. I have given it alot of thought. There's just no way I can tell him. I know for certain if I tell him it would be too damaging, there is no way he would ever forget that. It would be over for sure. What am I supposed to say, oh BTW...I've fallen for some other guy? Too scary.

 

I'm not going to sleep with the OM, it's not going to happen. I need to work on myself and focus my attention on my H. I will continue talking to my H about how I feel things are heading right now, if that doesn't work then I will revisit the idea of telling him about the OM.

[danis]

Jon, to answer you question. Is there anything good about my H. Absolutely, when he's not angry he's an amazing person, funny,excellent father, great lover, fun to be around..my best friend.

 

Lately I'm just finding that, that guy isn't around as much as angry guy.

 

FYI...day one and I did not make any contact. (big deal, one day right?)

[Ladyjane14]

FYI...day one and I did not make any contact. (big deal, one day right?)

 

A journey of a thousand miles starts with just one step, right?

 

Listen, you've been married for 20 years. I've been married well over twenty as well. My husband's what I like to call "high-maintenance" ... so like yours, he's not always a pleasure to live with. Now, my guy has ALWAYS been that way, but when he hit the midlife crisis stage, about 40 or so... he was soooooo much more difficult to get along with. Boy howdy!!! What an understatement that is too!

 

The point is... I honestly do believe there's a biochemical readjustment within the body at around that age. Some men breeze right on through with hardly a hair out of place, and some get so bad they don't even remember all the bad things they say and do.

 

You've said on top of this that there's the possibility he might be running with a bit of low blood sugar now and then. (And folks, we're not talking rampant diabetes. Low blood sugar is usually managed quite nicely with a good diet of smaller, more frequent meals.) This too will add to his moodiness.

 

So, basically, you've got all the components in place for a man to get himself in trouble around the house with great frequency.

You've got a partner, who might be in need a little help and emotional support himself.

 

The WONDERFUL thing I found out a couple of years ago... is that by going ahead and pouring a little care out on your partner, he can come to life like a flower after a long drought. And like I told you about getting out and smiling at people, it's the best way to get reciprocation. You can't wait for him to just drop love in your lap. You've got to be proactive in order to get what you want. You want a more loving, communicative relationship... so YOU set the example. It's the difference between showing and merely telling.

 

When you stop and think about it, what is it that you have to lose that's not already lost???

Love isn't about winning or proving your point. You can't be on the same team together and yet be adversaries.... because if HE loses, so do YOU.

[whichwayisup]

Lately I'm just finding that, that guy isn't around as much as angry guy.

Why do you think he's become angry guy? Have you asked him if there's something bugging him? Or maybe something is happening at work that he's stressed about it? Maybe he's irked with your distance...Could be anything.

 

FYI...day one and I did not make any contact. (big deal, one day right?)

Congrats on day one. It should be a big deal, to you. This is the start of letting go and healing so you can focus on your husband and fixing your marriage. Do your best NOT to think of the OM, do NC in your mind. Keep busy, don't let yourself remember, think and fantasize about him.

[Ladyjane14]

Do your best NOT to think of the OM, do NC in your mind. Keep busy, don't let yourself remember, think and fantasize about him.

 

Advice so good you ought to read it TWICE.

 

(Don't feed the beast.)

[danis]

Thanks, this has really helped. I can do this. I am going to take your advice LadyJane, keep busy..go to the gym everyday and be positive.

 

It's going to be tough. So what do you do when you find yourself making up excuses and reasons why you need to phone the OM? How do get past that?

[whichwayisup]

You stop yourself as soon as the thoughts get into your head. You remind yourself that you're married and are committed to fixing your marriage. There's NO reason to call the OM. Not one reason.

[Ladyjane14]

So what do you do when you find yourself making up excuses and reasons why you need to phone the OM? How do get past that?

 

I don't know what to tell you except but to treat it like any other bad habit. Recognize that you've got some stinkin' thinkin' going on, like having a drug addict living inside your head trying to trick you into getting a "fix". You can shut that little voice down by actively switching your thoughts onto another subject. Kind of like when a pop-up screen shows up on your computer, you click it off and go to another page... or like changing channels on your TV when something comes on that you don't like.

 

If you're not making progress and you feel like you just can't do it alone... have a frank talk with your doctor. S/he can refer you for some counseling and screen you for anxiety/depression. Sometimes, obsessive thoughts can be indicative of things like that.

 

For the first couple of days though, try putting a rubber-band around your wrist and giving it a pop whenever OM creeps into your head. It'll help you remember to change your mental "channel".

[Ladyjane14]

I have one last thought for you, before I call it a night...

 

Maybe what you need is a "battle plan"... a list of things that you can work on accomplishing one by one.

 

Just off the top of my head, I'd say:

 

ONE.... Get your NC accomplished, all the while perfecting your mental control over distracting thoughts so you're not "feeding the beast".

 

TWO... Practice The Golden Rule. Do unto your husband as you'd have him due unto you. That's going to hopefully provide at least a little bit reciprocity and positive feedback so you can get a start on directing the marriage back in the right direction.

 

(I think it's okay to work 'ONE' and 'TWO' in tandem. )

 

THREE... Tackle your avoidance of conflict. And HERE is where you might need some professional help. Most folks who get involved in affairs, whether emotional or physical, are avoiding conflict at home. They often don't know HOW to break through to their partner and solve problems, so they seek outside the marriage.

 

Conflict Avoidance is a tough nut to crack when you don't have someone supportive helping you to keep your confidence up. But.... it's soooooo important to tackle this issue. You just can't be happy in a relationship when you feel like you can't speak up for yourself. A good therapist can really be beneficial to helping you keep your chin up while you're fighting your fears about conflict.