The urge to cheat is stronger than the urge not to.

[bish]

we tell her that because, it is the right thing to do. You are right it is your opinion, as we all have stated. It always occurs to me that there are 3 sides to every story, hers, his and the truth. I and i will tell you, no cheater ever tells the whole truth, whether they reconcile or not. She may have a trillion reasons to be angry at her, but not one to cheat or to continue to lie and say that she wants her marriage at the same time.

 

boom shakalaka!!!!

[danis]

 

Thats her problem. She should have thought about all of this before boning another man.

 

Bish...I didn't bone or spread my legs for anyone. Nothing physical ever happened. I think that's a huge difference don't you think?

[troubadour]

I would like to apologize for using name Denis insted Danis in my post. Denis is a name of one of one of my assistants with whom I work on daily basis and I guess that is why I used it.

 

I agree with everyone that her husband has a right to know about her feelings for the old dude. I guess if I were him I would like to know too. However, trying to look at life only in black and white colors, like you do, will provide you with only a glimpse at it because the most of it is somewhere in a grey area. I does not matter if you want to aknowladge it or not. The choices in real life are not that simple and do not delude yourself about it. Are you sure that her husband never had a crash on any woman since they have been married. I doubt. Has he ever said anything? She also has a right to know. But if it was just a crush and things did not go too far I would say that it is better that he did not tell her about it. Why create more problems for everyone and possibly damage the marriage over a thing that went away. It is life and we are sexual creatures. We get attracted to other people from time to time.

 

I guess we can call her an emotional cheater but at the same time she is the one who is doing the most work in her marriage to keep it together. Everybody is rather reluctant to give her any credit for this. I don't think that I would find too many individuals among my female friends who would be willing to put up with husband like that over an extanded period of time. Not only she does but also she seem to be very commited to her family and staying married.

 

And finally... people do not accuse her of taking an easy road out of this situation becouse it is not true. Yes it is true that she should have been more careful. But an easy road out for her was to fall for the BS of the old dude, sleep with him and deal with the s..... they created later. This is what most people in her situation would do. Yes, they would f... first and then start crying over what they have done. She hasn't done it.

 

Well, it is Friday night.... almost 9:30 in Chicago. It is a time for a quick shower and hitting the down town. Gentlemen, you are all welcom to join me. I know some goregeous women. You will not be disappointed. Just do not fall in love with them... they are on the crazy side.

 

Of course, Danis, we all would be delighted if you could grace us with your presence tonight.

 

Off line I go.

[whichwayisup]

I guess we can call her an emotional cheater but at the same time she is the one who is doing the most work in her marriage to keep it together.

 

I am sure if she told her husband that she was 'about to cheat physically' and 'currently has been having an emotional affair' he WOULD get off his butt and change, put in effort. Problem is, HE sees nothing wrong in the marriage, it's routine, it's comfortable and he's OK with that. She isn't and she chose to seek attention and affection from another man. I'm sure during her EA she wasn't putting much effort into her marriage though.

[Mustang Sally]

It is my opinion that both people have responsibility for the state of the marriage at any given time.

 

If she is unhappy with her husband, the marriage, etc, then it is her responsibility to communicate this to him and be willing to come together with him and try to work it out.

 

If he is unaware of what she feels, and she has been trying to communicate it to him, then it is his responsibility to be sensitive to his partner's feelings and try to come together with her and eliminate any perceived misunderstandings and disparities in the relationship.

 

It really boggles my mind how I read so many stories here that claim that one person is really unhappy with the marriage - to the point of either thinking about cheating or actually DOING it - and the other person supposedly has "no clue" whatsoever that the relationship is even the slightest bit off-kilter. I say these oblivious folks are either masters of denial or so inconsiderate that they cannot read significant discontent from their spouse. Either way, I don't find them without culpability in the situation. Nor do I find it even remotely acceptable for people to go "looking elsewhere" when they have not done everything within their power to communicate and reconnect with their spouse and fix all of the issues that exist that are leading them to the cheating state of mind.

 

Danis -

Here's my advice from personal experience: full disclosure.

That is what I have done, many months ago, now. My story is posted here on LS, in bits pieces, if you care to go searching for it. Though I had communicated many times with my husband about my unhappiness, I still held on to resentments and hurts that had accumulated over years of us both not paying enough respect and attention to each other. Work, kids, and life got in the way and it hit me harder that I ever thought I would be in danger of. I had a similar "urge" as what you've described here.

 

But it was not until I finally had it all out with my H, over several days and sleepless nights, that we have really been able to move forward. He, actually, was moving forward for many months prior to my full disclosure, due to my telling him that I was ready to separate (and eventually divorce) over a year ago. That was enough of a wake-up call for him. But I still clung to some really, really stinking thinking. I (we?) subsequently continued the descent to rock-bottom, at which point - in a final act of desperation to save any shred of anything between us - I really let it ALL out.

 

Everything.

Every hurtful issue and detail that I'd had or thought of him, us, me, other men I'd been attracted to or allowed to have too close of friendships with me (EAs of a sort, I suppose)....everything. And he did the same.

 

We are now (and have been since disclosure) working it back. Together. Better than before. I didn't understand how that could even be possible before I really took the leap, myself. And it was so, so worth it. It's not always easy, but we have truly had a reconnection that I am sure could never have happened ANY other way than complete honesty.

 

I didn't know at the time if he would stick it out with me, but he did, and for that I am so grateful.

 

Even if it hadn't worked out for reconciliation between us, I think at that point I could have proceeded with the dissolution of this marriage with some sense of solace from the fact that I had - finally - done everything I could do to solve the problems. The correct way, and the way we both deserved.

 

I hope you find your resolution. And peace of mind.

Good luck.

[danis]

Ok, I think it is day four NC, I'm feeling kinda dumpy today and a little confused as to why I am a little angry as well.

 

I'm finding it hard to keep busy and idol times are difficult. I constantly check my email to see if he sent something, and then I'm disappointed that he didn't. I made it perfectly clear for him, not to contact me in any way & that is exactly what I am getting.

 

I quess it doesn't help that it is dark and gloomey outside too.

[whichwayisup]

You need to stop checking to see if he's emailed you..That isn't helping you heal, try to focus on you and fixing the marriage. You're still allowing thoughts of him out of habit and/or the addicted feelings you feel for him. Do NC in your mind. Distract yourself when you feel yourself slipping. Call a friend, post here, go for a walk, talk to your H. Remember WHY you're in NC mode.

 

You should block his email address though, just incase..Though, it seems he is respecting the NC, which means he cares about you enough to do what you ask of him.

 

4 days of NC is good though, keep going!

[soda]

Danis - I think NC is good. However, if you want your marriage to stand ANY chance of working, you need to give your husband full disclosure.

 

Trust me on this. I have been in your husband's shoes. My wife mistakenly thought I know much less than I actually know. Someone else was actually telling the whole story. I waited patiently for my wife to come clean, but I've come to realize that she has no intention of doing so. The initial betrayal is difficult to forgive. Her insistance on continuing to deceive me ends the marriage.

 

And with it, I'm going to air her dirty laundry so everyone can see what a fraud she is...actually, she's going to do it...she just doesn't know that yet.

 

Don't make the mistake my wife is making. You can safely assume that your husband knows that you're up to something. If he's like me, he knows that you'll simply deny, deny, deny if confronted about it.

[soda]

Same with me. I didn't give him a chance. There was a time frame that might have been workable, but not after continueing the charade.

 

Exactly. I've given my wife more than ample time to come to her senses and come clean with the truth on her own...but just like OP...she always thinks she's one sneaky step ahead of me, and she's not. She just mistook my willingness to react patiently and calmly (and smartly) for cluelessness.

 

Like my wife, OP wants to have her cake and eat it, too. My wife even charaded the 'NC card' too...along with the "even if I was single I wouldn't be attracted to him" lie.

 

Danis -- your husband is not stupid. 3 years? Heck...even 3 months? He's probably aware of everything by now. If you don't come clean and attempt to focus on your marriage (checking your email constantly for emails from OM is not focus), you can expect to be forced to explain to your closest friends and family why you're not the person they thought you were.

 

You really seem to be struggling with a moral dilemna. Take the right road. Even if your marriage fails for it, at least you can say that you did the right thing at the end. It's better to fail in a noble way than to be caught doing something stupid.

 

I will pray for you. My recent life experience makes religion a little challenging right now because I feel betrayed and cynical, but I've decided that even if I can't be happy in the here and now, at least I might be able to offer some insight to others.

 

Owl and Whichwayisup have been a tremendous help in guiding me through my own crisis and offering painful advice. To be honest, they've advised me to do the hard thing when my gut already had me sold on denying the hard truth.

 

Tell your husband the truth. You will possibly lose him. You will definitely lose him if you suffer through NC alone. Your husband is the only person who can bring you back to earth at your darkest moment. I suspect that this is why you married him...

[bish]

 

Thats her problem. She should have thought about all of this before boning another man.

 

Bish...I didn't bone or spread my legs for anyone. Nothing physical ever happened. I think that's a huge difference don't you think?

 

My apologies.

 

Huge difference? no. If you had the chance you would have, and don't say you wouldn't. If you and him found yourselves on a business trip, or something like that in the same hotel, you know what you would have done. And in my opinion, an emotional affair is just as bad if not worse.

 

Either way, like I said, just take the easy way out and don't say a word to him. You can move on knowing you dodged a bullet, yet expecting him to change his ways while he is doing so while being kept in the dark.

 

All the burden is on him to change....none on you.

[bish]

Ok, I think it is day four NC, I'm feeling kinda dumpy today and a little confused as to why I am a little angry as well.

 

I'm finding it hard to keep busy and idol times are difficult. I constantly check my email to see if he sent something, and then I'm disappointed that he didn't. I made it perfectly clear for him, not to contact me in any way & that is exactly what I am getting.

 

I quess it doesn't help that it is dark and gloomey outside too.

 

Why don't you just get a divorce already? You pine for this other guy, don't want to ruin any security that marriage provides, but don't respect your husband enough to come clean, much less put any real effort into your marriage if all you are concerned with is whether or not the OM is emailing you.

 

All you care about is the OM, nothing at all mentioned about how YOU are going to fix the marriage from your side of things.

 

so that being the case, why bother? Why not just get a divorce since its obvious you don't respect your husband. All you talk about is the OM as if you want us to have sympathy for your pining for him.

[danis]

Actually, I'm feeling pretty good about this NC thing. Dogged a bullet, yes I think I did. I'm not thinking of the OM today at all (until now). I can do this. I have a better outlook on things, a totally different frame of mind.

 

Now alls I'm thinking is "what the h*ll were you doing?" It's pretty easy to get wrapped up in something like that, you become obessed like an addiction. I do however carry around a sickening feeling in my stomach when I think of what could have happened.

 

Bish....you are a bitter, bitter man. I appreciate all your advice and I have taken it all into consideration. My question to you is, have you actively gotten coucelling for yourself? I mean you really give it to everyone with a mean, bitter attitude. Do you hate the whole world in general or just cheating wives?

[bish]

Bish....you are a bitter, bitter man.

 

Thanks!!

 

 

I appreciate all your advice and I have taken it all into consideration. My question to you is, have you actively gotten coucelling for yourself?

 

Nope. don't need it. The best counseling I had was getting a divorce.

 

And I'll say it again, my situation is great! I am no longer think of what she did because she is no longer my concern. She is someone elses problem, too bad he is in prison though.

 

 

I mean you really give it to everyone with a mean, bitter attitude. Do you hate the whole world in general or just cheating wives?

 

I don't hate anyone. I despise cheaters period, men and women.

 

But nice try at pigeonholing it to just cheating wives.

[Ladyjane14]

Good for you, Danis... for finding your positive outlook.

 

 

Now alls I'm thinking is "what the h*ll were you doing?"

 

I'm trying to remember, but I think it was Smartgirl a few pages back, who said that once you've broken through the addiction, it's hard to identify with your former thinking. It's true. I witnessed it in my own relationship.

Addictive behavior brings on a "fogged-out" way of viewing things that makes it possible to continue feeding the addiction.

 

What you said in quotation above... really marks your progress. Be proud. You're getting there. :bunny:

[danis]

Thanks LadyJane, for your encouragement. I can't say I don't think about OM, because that's almost impossible. But I'm not thinking about him in the same longing way.

 

Instead when I do think about him, I'm finding myself thinking about the things I didn't like about him, that way it makes it easyier to stay on track. (that's bad huh?)

[soda]

I can't say I don't think about OM, because that's almost impossible. But I'm not thinking about him in the same longing way.

 

Instead when I do think about him, I'm finding myself thinking about the things I didn't like about him, that way it makes it easyier to stay on track. (that's bad huh?)

 

Danis -- NC is the way to go.

 

Please stay with it. It sounds like the fog of affairyland (credit to whichwayisup) is slowly being lifted and you're starting to see OM for who he is, rather than what your brain told you he was during the EA.

 

NC is the only way you have a chance to save your marriage. OM may eventually contact you and suggest that you and he "just be friends." It will never work, and I think you know that.

 

Best wishes on the NC.