The urge to cheat is stronger than the urge not to.

[Ladyjane14]

Hi LJ!! Thought you were never coming back! Glad to see you!

 

Glad to see you too, Sweetie! :bunny:

 

It does sound like a blood sugar issue. My H can be the same way as can I, and we are not abusers even if other people FEEL abused by our crankiness.

 

My hubby suffers from low blood sugar too. It wasn't that obvious when he was younger, but it's harder with age. Sometimes I just want to throw a sandwich at his head and run... kind of like lobbing a grenade!

 

What I've learned though, is to not take it all so personally. He's sincerely sorry after he's been cranky, so I'm not going to rub it in at that point. Let she who is without sin cast the first stone, right? Frankly, excessive heat affects me in the same way. I bit somebody's head off just yesterday because I was overheated and foul with it.

[JackJack]

I truly hope your husband decides to seek medical help and find out what's going on. Does he not understand how continuing to go on like this can seriously end up affecting his health? Why would he want to risk that if he is having some low blood sugar problems. It needs to be seen to. I couldn't imagine someone knowing they might have a possible medical problem and not seek help for it.

[stoopid_guy]

Stoopid guy, the OM is married.(for now) His marriage is bad and that's why he's turned to me as well. In fact he may be on the verge of divorce. No he's never asked me to give up my H or family. I told him I was in Love with my H.

 

It's never even been a question, like I said I don't think myself & the OM, would ever be a couple if we were both single. I think we just cling together now because of our situations.

So... can you be discreet? Would your husband notice? If you can keep it on the sly, it might be a great experience.

 

There's more to marriage than intimacy. There's friendship, a financial bond, a child-rearing partnership... If you can keep those with your hubby and get your need for intimacy filled elsewhere, it will relieve a lot of loneliness. If your SO didn't miss the intimacy (and some wouldn't) he will probably never suspect. Would the sneaking around be fun and daring or scary as hell? (or a little of both?)

[Angel1111]

If you plan on staying in your marriage, I really don't see the benefit of telling him about this. I think there's a such thing as too much honesty and filling him in on this piece of information will cause your relationship to do a complete 180 - and not in a good way. It will take years and years to recover from it.

 

If the OM isn't someone you would want to be with, then I don't understand how he comes into the picture at all really. I don't think you're hurting your children with the EA as much as you're hurting them by staying in a relationship you say is abusive. This is crap about his diet and blood sugar. Someone with a blood sugar problem would be concerned that he is causing pain to you and the kids and would attempt to stop hurting the people he loves. An abuser doesn't give a fig, unless it means you're going to leave. Then he'll straighten up long enough to get you to stay again.

 

If you're truly in an abusive relationship, love's got nothing to do with it. You need to get out.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Ok, marrriage coucelling. How do I approach that subject. Just blurt it out. "I'm not happy, and would like to go to marriage councelling"?

 

Phew, that's scary.

 

Yes. Be that bold. Would you have any problem if you were trapped in a car? If you caught in a burning building and were naked? Your marriage should be seen as your life. Especially if you feel you and your husband and you are of one mind, one body, and one spirit.

 

Now that I said that, that is the biggest problem in most marriages, you two have not found your oneness. Yes you both work individually as a unit, but you don't work as a singlar unit. Think of your marriage as one being. If your husband has an headache, you should feel it as if it was your head. If you are worried and going through something, he should be able to sense that and then go, hold up babe, we are worried and going through something, what can we do to fix us.

 

If you can start seeing your marriage as that, maybe you can see your situation as a you AND him problem and be able to tell him something is wrong with us and I want us to get help.

 

 

DNR

Are you getting what I am trying to say? Sometimes I wonder if I get people lost with my wordiness.

[danis]

Ok, I'm going to talk to him, bring up the possible medical issue and how I am feeling. I however am not going to bring up the EA.

 

Sooo, nobody thinks that if I brought it out in the open, that if the two of them met my H might be ok with our friendship? Maybe then the situation might not feel so decietful & I can still have my friend.

 

Why is it so wrong to have a friend of the opposite sex?

[Mz. Pixie]

I'd try something like "Honey, you know, I love you very much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you- however I haven't felt that our marriage has been the best that it possibly could be for both of us. I want us both to be happier. I'd like to explore some marriage counseling for us. What are your thoughts on that?"

 

Do not point the entire finger at him, even if you feel it's all his fault- because in reality it's probably not. But if you do that you'll immediately put him on the defensive.

The idea to pitch it is so that "both" of you can be happier.

 

Also, I've been in your shoes hon. I cheated and left my marriage. Trust me, trust me, trust me, when I tell you that if you cross the line- the guilt that you will feel from the affair after you come down from the emotional high- will be incredible. It's been overwhelming for me.

 

I know you don't feel like that now- because all you're really caring about is the emotional needs you're getting met from OM. I know that you feel this is special and different but it's not.

 

I hurt my exhusband, I hurt my children and I hurt myself. I hurt friends and other family members. OM and I both hurt his family as well. But in the beginning like you I was full of justification. As a matter of fact I still struggle with that- and I've been remarried to another guy (not OM) for a few years.

 

I would never do anything like that ever again because of the pain that I personally experienced afterwards, not even including what I did to everyone else.

 

People would find out, even if you think you could be careful. When people find out it could eventually get back to your children- now really wrap your head around how that would feel.

 

The best thing for you to do is stop contact with this OM. Tell your husband that you got too emotionally involved with this guy- which is sure to break up the EA. Then, do not talk to the guy. Period. In the beginning it will be hard because you'll be going through withdrawal from the emotional high but in the end you can do it.

 

You can not listen to me if you want to, but I've been in your shoes. I wish almost on a daily basis I would have just divorced him rather than do what I did. I'm seriously trying to save you from some heartache.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sooo, nobody thinks that if I brought it out in the open, that if the two of them met my H might be ok with our friendship? Maybe then the situation might not feel so decietful & I can still have my friend.

 

WOW, you are addicted to this guy?? Are you really serious?? Forget this idea. You don't need to have contact with this guy because you do not have willpower. What this is is wanting to have your cake and eat it to.

 

Why is it so wrong to have a friend of the opposite sex?

 

It's not exactly. However what you're doing is taking energy you should be directing towards your husband and focusing on the OM. That's the part that makes it wrong. That and the fact that you want to sleep with him and you appear to not even have the willpower to just quit talking to him.

 

My husband and I have friends of the opposite sex- but we don't email and call and text them all the time- nor do we tell them things that we're not telling each other. If I couldn't say it in front of him then it shouldn't be said.

 

You can take this situation and make your marriage better if you work hard. I just visited last night with a dear friend who he and his wife went through infidelity two years ago. They are stronger, more in love, and much more in tune with each other. But they both had to get real and accept the responsibility for their part in the demise of their marriage. The things they have learned are incredible. Alot of it came from church and Christian mentors but I would imagine you could get great help from a marriage counselor.

[Ladyjane14]

Why is it so wrong to have a friend of the opposite sex?

 

....what you're doing is taking energy you should be directing towards your husband and focusing on the OM.

 

Mz.Pixie is exactly right... which is not unusual for her.

 

If you're going to stay married, your goal ought to be to have an emotional connection and friendship with your husband, one which takes precedent over other relationships. Fulfillment within the marriage CANNOT be reached otherwise.

 

It's entirely possible that your hubby is feeling just as emotionally stifled as you are. Afterall, this energy that you've been expending outside the marriage was meant for HIM... and he's not receiving it.

When you get to a point at which he is, it's likely that this loving energy will become reciprocal and then easily sustained in conjunction with new relationship habits.

 

I think you'll be surprised to discover that once the marital bond is reestablished in such a way as to provide emotional satisfaction, this need you've been feeling for outside attention won't be something you can even identify with any longer.

 

 

p.s. I've also been married in excess of two decades. And this approach to "loving energy" and "new relationship habits" has worked for me.

[bish]

So... can you be discreet? Would your husband notice? If you can keep it on the sly, it might be a great experience.

 

This is the worst advice I have ever heard. Condoning cheating. real nice.

[jon01]

This is the worst advice I have ever heard. Condoning cheating. real nice.

 

I am sure he gave that advice because he has cheated in the past, had a great experience at it, and successfully covered it up from his wife/gf.

[silktricks]

If the OM isn't someone you would want to be with, then I don't understand how he comes into the picture at all really. I don't think you're hurting your children with the EA as much as you're hurting them by staying in a relationship you say is abusive. This is crap about his diet and blood sugar.

 

Well... not to put too fine a point on it, but the OM comes into the picture because she's in an EA with him. An EA causes problems in any relationship even if the affair partner isn't someone you'd actually want to be with if you were single.

 

The point about blood sugar is not crap at all. Altered blood sugar is a VERY REAL cause of anger and sometimes even violence - when blood sugar is messed up a person can do something they would NEVER do when all is well in their diet.

 

Another thing to get checked out is possible allergies.

[danis]

You are all absolutley right. I know what I need to do, but like I've said before this has been going on for a very long time. I've even told him no more contact and have managed to go 3 weeks without any.

 

Then the cycle starts all over again and I convince myself that he is just a friend and I'm not doing anything wrong...I've haven't given in to the the temptation and it's been more than 3 years...so what's wrong with just talking.

 

So please tell me, how does one get thru the NC? I feel like my heart is breaking and I can't even explain how badly it hurts. & no I've never had to do something this hard before.

[Owl]

You get through NC by having an accountability partner...someone who can help you hold strong and keep you from breaking it.

 

Ideally...it should be your husband. One more reason why the affair needs to be discussed within the marriage.

[stoopid_guy]

This is the worst advice I have ever heard. Condoning cheating. real nice.

Everyone has different circumstances, everyone has different experiences. If someone contemplates cheating they may very well decide to go for it. You never know for sure how it will turn out. You pay your nickel, you take your chance.

[danis]

I can't do that Owl, I need to do it on my own. How about a book? Know of any?

[danis]

Stoopidguy...it's been three years of resisting temptation. I'm not willing to pay the dime or take the chance. I just need to stop it all.

[Owl]

How is a book going to keep you from doing something that you want to do? Jump up and beat you about the head and shoulders when you reach for the phone?

 

I can recommend several good books...but they're all going to either work under the assumption your H knows, or that you're going to tell him.

 

Try reading "Surviving an Affair", or "His Needs/Her Needs" by Willard Harley. Especially the first one...its got the most about recovering...the second is more geared around prevention.

[pelicanpreacher]

Ok, I'm going to talk to him, bring up the possible medical issue and how I am feeling. I however am not going to bring up the EA.

 

Sooo, nobody thinks that if I brought it out in the open, that if the two of them met my H might be ok with our friendship? Maybe then the situation might not feel so decietful & I can still have my friend.

 

Why is it so wrong to have a friend of the opposite sex?

 

There is no problem with having friends of the opposite sex...even ones that you find attractive in some way. The problem develops if you're attachment to said friend begins to override your sense of fidelity for your marriage. It is at this "tipping point" that you have got to realize the depth of your emotional attachment or physical attraction and take stock of what kind of damage you are currently doing to your family and what you ultimately want for your own future!

[taylor]

You are all absolutley right. I know what I need to do, but like I've said before this has been going on for a very long time. I've even told him no more contact and have managed to go 3 weeks without any.

 

Then the cycle starts all over again and I convince myself that he is just a friend and I'm not doing anything wrong...I've haven't given in to the the temptation and it's been more than 3 years...so what's wrong with just talking.

 

So please tell me, how does one get thru the NC? I feel like my heart is breaking and I can't even explain how badly it hurts. & no I've never had to do something this hard before.

 

Hi Danis,

 

First, you start listening to your head, not your heart. You make decisions based on what's in your head, not your heart. These decisions will not FEEL right because they will conflict with what your heart wants, but that's OK. If you are using your head, trust the decisions even if they don't feel right. They are.

 

Next, get a book on GRIEF because that is what you are going to feel once you walk away from the OM for good. You are going to grieve like someone died. It is a process. Familiarize yourself with the process so that you know what to expect..so that you know you are not going crazy.

 

Be prepared for an acute case of depression/anxiety. Seek temporary medical treatmen (meds) if you need something to help you through.

 

Get into individual counseling immediately so that you can talk, talk, talk this out with someone you can trust in a safe environment. Talking is healing.

 

If you have a friend or family member (mother) you can trust, lean on them. You may not feel comfortable with this. The only reason I suggest it is because you need support available 24/7, not just once a week for an hour with a therapist.

 

Cry your eyes out. It's healing.

 

Pray. It will give you strength.

 

Expect emotional setbacks and weak moments. Whatever you do during these times, do not contact the OM. Lean on your support system.

 

This LS forum has helped me tremendously recover from the withdrawal of losing the OM. It can help you, too. Post often.

 

Our prayers are with you.

[pelicanpreacher]

How is a book going to keep you from doing something that you want to do? Jump up and beat you about the head and shoulders when you reach for the phone?

 

I can recommend several good books...but they're all going to either work under the assumption your H knows, or that you're going to tell him.

 

Try reading "Surviving an Affair", or "His Needs/Her Needs" by Willard Harley. Especially the first one...its got the most about recovering...the second is more geared around prevention.

 

One way to broach the subject of your feelings toward OM is to talk with your husband and ask him subtly pointed questions about how he feels about the females within your mutual and individual sphere of friends. By getting him to talk openly and at length first you may be able to eventually steer the conversation toward the direction of your feelings (limited disclosure for now) for OM and get your hushand to understand how his behavior is creating a void in your relationship making it necessary to lean on somebody else for support.

 

I am not a huge advocate of plowing into every problem like a "bull in a china shop", especially when the subject matter requires the discretion of a delicate touch.

 

Good Luck,

[bish]

You are all absolutley right. I know what I need to do, but like I've said before this has been going on for a very long time. I've even told him no more contact and have managed to go 3 weeks without any.

 

Then the cycle starts all over again and I convince myself that he is just a friend and I'm not doing anything wrong...I've haven't given in to the the temptation and it's been more than 3 years...so what's wrong with just talking.

 

We've already told you whats wrong with it. You don't want to hear it.

 

So since you have your mind made up, why bother asking these questions?

 

You don't respect your husband and your husband would do well to divorce you.

 

 

So please tell me, how does one get thru the NC?

 

You just DO IT. But its a moot point really. You have no intentions of respecting your husband.

[Ladyjane14]

You are all absolutley right. I know what I need to do, but like I've said before this has been going on for a very long time. I've even told him no more contact and have managed to go 3 weeks without any.

 

Then the cycle starts all over again and I convince myself that he is just a friend and I'm not doing anything wrong...I've haven't given in to the the temptation and it's been more than 3 years...so what's wrong with just talking.

 

So please tell me, how does one get thru the NC? I feel like my heart is breaking and I can't even explain how badly it hurts. & no I've never had to do something this hard before.

 

If you've truly never had to do something this hard before then the first thing you should do is get down on your knees and thank the Lord for it... that is, if you're a praying woman.

 

That might sound facetious at first glance, but really, when you think about it, the very FIRST thing you need is perspective. In the grand scheme of things, you're a lucky woman. There are sooooo many people in this world, right this very minute, who've got it worse. But for the grace of God, their cup might've been passed to you. So, it only seems rational that the first place to start is to count your blessings, to look around and see what's going RIGHT in your life and appreciate it.

 

Nearly any bad habit can be broken in 21 days. And when you're dealing with addictive behavior, you've got to treat it like what it is... an addiction. You're getting a "payoff" out of contact with the OM. Even thoughts about him can be like getting a "fix" because it causes a little rush from your adrenal system. This has to be controlled and avoided.

 

Infatuation is MORE than just an emotional response. It's physical as well. You have to honestly assess what you're getting out of this behavior, identify it, know what it feels like in a physical way... then avoid it. Bear in mind, the "rush" doesn't always feel good. Think about it this way... if you barely escape a car crash and you get a burst of adrenaline from the experience, that's not fun, but if you're riding a rollercoaster at the fair, that same burst of adrenaline is probably a blast.

 

At the bottom line, if you are not in control of your emotions... then your emotions are in control of YOU.

...And your emotions can affect you physically. ATTITUDE is the most important weapon in your arsenal.

 

You have to be strict with yourself. You can seek help and guidance from a counselor, and this is a good idea, but at the end of the day... it's still YOU who has to do the work. You have to be strict with yourself and you have to WANT to get better.

 

Toward that end, the "wanting to get better", utilize this time to repair the marital relationship. You might start with a copy of The Five Love Languages by Chapman. You wouldn't be in this mess if your marriage was what it's SUPPOSED to be, friendship, comfort, and partnership. You and your hubby have lost your way. Getting back on the right track will use up all this excess energy that you've been expending upon the OM.

 

You've been married to this man for 20 years. Look into his eyes and SEE the man you first signed on to love. Let the pettiness of small resentments go. Find MUTUAL forgiveness for previous transgressions, and commit yourselves to loving actively. Love is a verb too. It's not just something you "feel".

 

Getting from where you are now... to where you want to be... will require true commitment. It's mind, body, and soul. That's strong energy you can harness for the purpose of meeting your goals. When you think about it in those terms, you begin to see that you're not as weak and helpless as you might have otherwise thought.

[smartgirl]

Listen good to what LadyJane has said. A part of this is indeed physical, and I'm not talking about your heart. That being said, the physical element can affect your thinking. You feel that you are being rational but you aren't.

 

My H said at the time of his A he thought he was thinking with a clear mind and though emotionally conflicted, fully in charge and making rational decisions. He also said he was highly sceptical about the experts claims that after about a month, he would experience a return to clearer thinking as the addiction began to wear off.

 

But it really happened just that way. After about a month, the compulsive thoughts diminished and as the months went on he did come to see that he had not been thinking clearly at all. In fact, he said it was more like a temporary insanity. But no matter how much you hear that, you won't see it until you have been through it. Many, many people on this board before you have experienced that for themselves.

 

So what we are talking about here is taking a leap of faith. You need to pursue complete and final NC though every fiber of your being is telling you to do otherwise. Be aware that the addiction voice in your brain will try to trick you (where do you think the little devil and angel on each shoulder story comes from). It will give you all the rationalizations you need to contact him and see him again as "a friend." Just because you are f***ing him doesn't mean he is just a friend.

 

I think that actually getting through this requires hard work, determination, courage and faith. Faith that you are doing the right thing even if you are feeling unsure about the outcome. There are no patches to help you kick this habit. But, I think that understanding what you are experiencing in a more rational way will help to give you important perspective and guidance. You asked about books and there are two that are good and may help you to understand this whole situation and how to recover. Try After the Affair by Janet Abrahms Spring and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. To be able to read books like this wherever I was without broadcasting it to the world, I took the book jackets off other books the same size and put them on the affair books.

 

Good luck.

[danis]

Thank you Lady Jane/Smart Girl.

 

You are both absolutley correct about the addiction part as I am well aware that it gets easier as the days/weeks go by. I have had NC for about 3 weeks and it was much easier at that point. The NC wasn't planned it was because of holidays and I told myself. "Hey this isn't so bad, I am over him, I can do this" & then of course he would return from holidays and the minute I looked at him my emotions once again took over and I was like a stupid school girl.