The urge to cheat is stronger than the urge not to.

[jon01]

Thank you Lady Jane/Smart Girl.

 

You are both absolutley correct about the addiction part as I am well aware that it gets easier as the days/weeks go by. I have had NC for about 3 weeks and it was much easier at that point. The NC wasn't planned it was because of holidays and I told myself. "Hey this isn't so bad, I am over him, I can do this" & then of course he would return from holidays and the minute I looked at him my emotions once again took over and I was like a stupid school girl.

 

Tell us a little more about this dream man of yours.

[bish]

I have had NC for about 3 weeks and it was much easier at that point. The NC wasn't planned it was because of holidays and I told myself. "Hey this isn't so bad, I am over him, I can do this" & then of course he would return from holidays and the minute I looked at him my emotions once again took over and I was like a stupid school girl.

 

Which once again in addition to the fact that your husband isn't ok with it and he shouldn't have to put up with you seeing this guy, affair or not, is why you should have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with this guy.

 

Forget the fact that you can't handle it, you said it yourself, once you saw him your "emotions once again took over and I was like a stupid school girl". The fact that it is totally disrespectful to your husband is reason enough.

 

But again, you don't want to hear that and don't want to do right by your husband. So just keep on disrespecting him until he comes to his senses and files for divorce.

[danis]

Bish...of course I want to hear it, I want to hear it all. Bash me all you want I can take it. I need a swift kick in the A**. I know it's disrespectful, I don't want to have an Affair...I would like to get past this and I don't like the way I am feeling. I swing from a girl with a silly crush to feelings of terrible quilt, to sadness...back to happiness. Do you think I enjoy being this messed up?

 

I never went looking for this, It just kind of snuck up on me. I've always been a faithful person and this whole thing has blindsided me. I never even heard of an EA until I looked it up on this website. I thought it was perfectly ok to have a friendship with another Male as long as I didn't cheat. What I didn't realize is that I was already cheating.

[danis]

Jon....he's not my dream man. I just feel good when I am around him, we have turned to each other at a time in both of our lives when both of our marriages are lacking.

 

He's married to someone older, in fact I believe she has kids the same age as me. His marriage is on the brink of divorce & that is probably the only reason he turned to me.

 

We know we don't have a future together as I don't want a future with him, and he doesn't want one with me. I already have the family I want. (yeah ok, tear a strip off me now)

 

What else... he's kind, and sweet and he makes me feel good. Something I don't get at home. How's that?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Jon....he's not my dream man. I just feel good when I am around him, we have turned to each other at a time in both of our lives when both of our marriages are lacking.

 

He's married to someone older, in fact I believe she has kids the same age as me. His marriage is on the brink of divorce & that is probably the only reason he turned to me.

 

We know we don't have a future together as I don't want a future with him, and he doesn't want one with me. I already have the family I want. (yeah ok, tear a strip off me now)

 

What else... he's kind, and sweet and he makes me feel good. Something I don't get at home. How's that?

 

Are you serious???

 

What is driving your self destructive issues??? WTF? this man aint no one your willing to throw your whole life away over then why are you doing it?

 

WTF you need coucniling for yourself and let your husband know the truth. I bet you once he knows all this crap would end pronto. You need a stronger jolt than what we've been saying here.

[danis]

Alex,

 

No, he's not more attractive than my H, in fact he's not even close to being as attractive as my H. Sex with my H, is amazing and very active. I don't know what to say.

 

I think the combination of it being forbidden and the way he makes me feel about myself is what is driving me.

[jon01]

I think you're really confused and your head is just totally messed up. How old are you by the way?

[pelicanpreacher]

Alex,

 

No, he's not more attractive than my H, in fact he's not even close to being as attractive as my H. Sex with my H, is amazing and very active. I don't know what to say.

 

I think the combination of it being forbidden and the way he makes me feel about myself is what is driving me.

 

I think the problem you're having, but not seeing, is that you're constantly looking for affirmation outside of yourself to bolster your self-esteem. You need to look deeply within yourself to assess why and what is holding you back from fulfilling yourself and work to truly bring your best self to the surface. If you look in the mirror and don't like who you see then you need to start working on you post haste!

 

Nothing can dispel the temptations brought on by insecurities than confidence so get busy getting some.

[danis]

I already know my self esteem is really low. I know I shouldn't point the blame at my H, but he likes to point out all the bad things about me, not very often does he pay me a compliment. So I quess I am starving for affection and some attention.

 

So how does one go about building there self esteem? People tell me all the time how pretty and beautiful I am, but like you said when I look in the mirror that's not what I see.

[pelicanpreacher]

I already know my self esteem is really low. I know I shouldn't point the blame at my H, but he likes to point out all the bad things about me, not very often does he pay me a compliment. So I quess I am starving for affection and some attention.

 

So how does one go about building there self esteem? People tell me all the time how pretty and beautiful I am, but like you said when I look in the mirror that's not what I see.

 

Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty! If your husband is behaving in this manner then its due to his own insecurities. I suspect that since others around you admire your beauty in his presence while you lap up their attention like some greedy kitty he becomes jealous of you and downgrades you to ensure your ego doesn't get so big that you start believing that you can do better without him. Keeping you miserable is also intended to make you doubt yourself and question the validity of the compliments others made to you so that you would convince yourself that the only person that could ever love you was your husband.

 

We can all see how well that strategy worked out, right? You, Danis, are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

In earlier posts I believe you said you tried to speak to him about your needs in the past but have you ever directly confronted him about his abusive behavior? I am a huge advocate of immediate separation and counselling for situations such as yours for, although you never know what will trigger an escalation of the abuse, I can almost guarantee that disclosure of your feelings about OM would probably be considered a catalyst of the highest potential amongst the different issues that could evoke a violent response. This was why I advised a subtle and more delicate approach than blurting out this problem like a "bull in a china shop" in one of my earlier posts.

 

Your husband has no incentive to change on his own for he believes he has found a formula that works to his satisfaction to placate his fears and insecurities regarding you and the marriage. You will not, therefore, be able to sustain a fulfilling relationship with your husband until you take action to protect yourself from all manner of his abusive tendencies and make him see the damage he is doing by persisting in this dangerously destructive and aberrant behavior into the future. You will also have to look at how you respond to compliments made by others in your husband's presence to be sure that you are not reciprocating by flirting or expressing any other behavior that might be construed as disrespectful to your husband and marriage. Lastly, you need to seek counselling for yourself so that you learn how to bolster your own self esteem without the need to seek affirmation from others (and that includes your husband) for your self confidence will always guarantee that your husband will notice and love you in the best light you can show him. As a matter of fact, confidence in yourself will go a long way toward assuring your husband that your head is on straight and won't get swayed by every good looking guy you meet doling out compliments to get close to you.

 

If you truly love your husband and can remain connected to him emotionally, spiritually, and physically then taking the aforementioned steps should go a long way toward restoring your marriage to its previous luster and eliminate your need to look outside your marriage to fulfill your needs.

 

Good Luck Danis.

[danis]

Thanks PelicanPreacher:

 

Yes I have told him that he is emotionaly abusive & have questioned why he can not give me a compliment when everyone else is. He actually said, I don't want it to go to your head.

 

Sometimes after we talk about it, he will make an effort to give me the odd compliment but you can tell it's forced. He doesn't have a problem pointing out all the bad things though...they slip right off the end of his tonque no problem.

 

I do feel I am being emotionally abused and have told him this, I said this earlier. When I told him this he totally flipped out.

[whichwayisup]

Do you want to stay married? Is it worth saving? Is your husband worth the effort?

 

If you don't love him and you feel emotionally abused by him, divorce. Just do it and don't cheat on him. That's what it comes down to.. You may be better off alone and sorting yourself out rather than staying in a marriage where you feel tempted to be with someone else.

[danis]

Yes, I do love my H and I do want to stay married. The thought of a divorce or separation is the furthest thing from my mind. I'm just not sure how much more I can take. How the Heck do you make someone understand that they are hurting you, how do you get them to change?

 

I'm not going to cheat, I just have to think with head like everyone else says. Don't be so stupid.

[Ladyjane14]

I already know my self esteem is really low. I know I shouldn't point the blame at my H, but he likes to point out all the bad things about me, not very often does he pay me a compliment. So I quess I am starving for affection and some attention.

 

So how does one go about building there self esteem? People tell me all the time how pretty and beautiful I am, but like you said when I look in the mirror that's not what I see.

 

You cannot be trusted to make an honest appraisal of your husband's culpability in the breakdown of your marital communications until AFTER you're through Withdrawal. Your "stinking-thinker" will try to trip you up and supply you with all sorts of reasons why you deserve to make contact with the OM. Wait until you have REAL CLARITY before you make decisions on your marriage.

 

I don't know you and I'm not saying that there's nothing wrong with your husbands attitude. But... bear in mind too, love junkies are all about getting their "fix" until the addiction is really broken.

 

For now though... work on GIVING compliments rather than receiving them. Give them to anybody you see who deserves one, from your husband to the clerk at the grocery store. When you smile... people tend to smile back. In that way, you soon find yourself the recipient of positive feedback.

[jon01]

I think your H is one of those kinds of men who will eventually find himself on a board like this posting threads wondering why his wife left him. It all seems like it's not serious for him now, but once you leave him it will hit him like a brick to the head that's for damn sure.

[Lizzie60]

'let's get physical.. physical'...

 

I know you will not do what most people will tell you to do on this thread.. and I can't blame you..

 

You are about to have a PA cause the EA is in full swing.. and almost impossible to end now.

 

Maybe if you get physical with this guy it will then end your obsession.. who knows.. you might be bitterly disappointed with him..

 

Let us know..

[pelicanpreacher]

You cannot be trusted to make an honest appraisal of your husband's culpability in the breakdown of your marital communications until AFTER you're through Withdrawal. Your "stinking-thinker" will try to trip you up and supply you with all sorts of reasons why you deserve to make contact with the OM. Wait until you have REAL CLARITY before you make decisions on your marriage.

 

I don't know you and I'm not saying that there's nothing wrong with your husbands attitude. But... bear in mind too, love junkies are all about getting their "fix" until the addiction is really broken.

 

For now though... work on GIVING compliments rather than receiving them. Give them to anybody you see who deserves one, from your husband to the clerk at the grocery store. When you smile... people tend to smile back. In that way, you soon find yourself the recipient of positive feedback.

 

This is the best set of advice given so far Danis. I'm gonna follow Ladyjane and I'd suggest you do too.

WE CAN MAKE A CONGA LINE!

 

 

By the way...you're the bunny in the back.

[bish]

Bish...of course I want to hear it, I want to hear it all. Bash me all you want I can take it. I need a swift kick in the A**. I know it's disrespectful, I don't want to have an Affair...I would like to get past this and I don't like the way I am feeling. .

 

Ok, then here it is, AGAIN: Only way is COMPLETE NC with the other guy.

 

No ifs ands or buts, you JUST DO IT. NO EXCUSES.

 

That is the ONLY way. Otherwise, if you are not willing to do that, then set your man free.

[carhill]

Maybe if you get physical with this guy it will then end your obsession.. who knows.. you might be bitterly disappointed with him..

 

Probably unpopular, but, given the OP's stated perspective about all parties and the situation, your suggestion has merit. Spend enough time together and have enough intimacy, and the warts start showing. Critical mass is reached and the affair blows up. Yes, there will be guilt and damage, but there already is.

 

I wouldn't say this if the OP was in love with the OM and had a sexless marriage. Quite the opposite. Your way might be the way for her to break the emotional bond.

 

I did it by getting too close emotionally without having sex, but the OM might not have that capacity or will. The frustration finally blew things up. Not a path I'd recommend, but the OP seems to be of a singular mind about conventional wisdom here.

 

In any event, OP, I understand well the path you walk and wish you well

[Owl]

Marriage counseling. You need this to get to the bottom of the breakdowns between you and your H.

 

Seriously...he needs a neutral third party to help him see how he's treating you.

 

You need the same thing...to help you see the areas YOU need to correct.

 

I don't see any other opportunity for things to get better...nothing will change unless you MAKE it change.

 

And...I'd suggest that you skip Lizzie's advice to go ahead and sleep with the OM. She's a "professional" OW, and her take on things differs a little from people that are actually in a marriage.

 

Last thought...before you go and sleep with OM...give some long, hard, serious thought about what that will do to your H.

[Ladyjane14]

Too Funny!

 

I'm getting a mental picture of our Good Self-Esteem Conga Line... people are smiling and waving, compliments are slung out like confetti... it's ALL good!

 

... Love your shoes btw. :bunny:

[Owl]

I thought you knew, LJ...I don't wear shoes. They don't fit well with my prehensile toes!

[electric_sheep]

If you FEEL abused, then you ARE abused. If you and the kids can't stand to be in the same room with him, he's abusive. If you and the kids fear his mood when he gets home, he's abusive. He's got all of you walking on eggshells. This is a classic abuser who will become a physical abuser in a few years.

 

 

This perfectly describes my dad when I was growing up. He never did physically abuse any of us, though. He was perfectly content to just keep it on the emotional level.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yes, I do love my H and I do want to stay married. The thought of a divorce or separation is the furthest thing from my mind. I'm just not sure how much more I can take. How the Heck do you make someone understand that they are hurting you, how do you get them to change?

 

I'm not going to cheat, I just have to think with head like everyone else says. Don't be so stupid.

 

What would be his reason to change? He doesn't know what change will look like. It takes lots of work to change... to build new habits. What does he get if he does that? Most would fear putting in all that effort only to find things are the same... or worse.

 

So, if you want him to change. You need to speak his language. Give him a reason to change.

 

You should let him know that he is about to lose you forever. Most guys don't find out until its too late.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I do love my H and I do want to stay married. The thought of a divorce or separation is the furthest thing from my mind. I'm just not sure how much more I can take. How the Heck do you make someone understand that they are hurting you, how do you get them to change?

 

I'm not going to cheat, I just have to think with head like everyone else says. Don't be so stupid.

 

If you're not going to cheat, then STOP entertaining the thoughts that you WANT to cheat. Focus on YOU, fixing YOU before you want your H to change.

I bet there are tons of things that he is missing from the marriage as well. Start off slow, TELL him how you feel, TELL him that you're tempted to cheat on him BECAUSE YOU are unhappy. TELL him that he HAS to put more effort in or the marriage WILL fall apart even more than it is already. The choice is yours, so DO NOT play passive, do NOT allow yourself to cheat, think of cheating at all.

 

Maybe if he knew that you've had an emotional affair, and it came close to a physical affair, he WOULD wake up and realize how close he came to losing you to another man.

 

Please don't call me stupid seeing as you are the one who is tempted to cheat and made a thread about it. I only went on what you said and told you my opinion.