The worst day of my life

[Stockalone]

I wasn't sure where to put this post or if I should even post it on LS. I guess it is just something that I had to get off my chest, so I put it here.

 

After a few hours of staring into space at my place, I remembered something a military psychologist once said in his lecture. Writing assignments can be therapeutical in cases of PTSD, so I figured I would also give it a try in my situation because I don't know how to deal with it.

 

So I wrote this summary of what turned out to be the worst day in my life in the hopes of being able to restructure my thoughts and feelings and thus regaining control of my life. And this is what caused all these self-doubts, shame, hurt, regret and devastation I am experiencing today:

 

 

I got a call this morning at work that burst that precious little bubble that was my life. The call was from the father of my first gf informing me that his daughter had died from some kind of bone marrow disorder. I don't recall much of the conversation with her father, I wasn't able to focus. I had a total breakdown of composure, like all my training never even existed. I am used to pressure and I have also had my fair share of experiences with death, but I completely lost it this time.

 

I had never stopped loving her and I always regretted that it never worked out between us. But that was my own damned fault and it has been over five years since we had seen or even talked to each other. We had a short exchange of emails a couple of months after our break-up, but no contact since. This shouldn't affect me this much, at least not to the point of powerlessness. I mean after more than five years, that doesn't seem to be right and I feel like I don't have the right to feel the way I do. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

But I can't accept that she is dead. I had thought a lot about her in the past, even more so this last year. I guess I always had hoped against my better judgement that one day we would cross paths again and we would have a "and they all lived happily ever after" fairytale ending. This is no longer an option and the full weight of that reality has now come crushing down on me.

 

After the conversation ended, I went straight to the bathroom and threw up. It's been a very long time since I felt that bad, hadn't thrown up more than twice in the last 15 years. I am sick to my stomach and all sorts of images are popping up in my head (good and bad), but at the same time I feel empty. When I got back, my co-workers called my boss because I "looked as pale as death". My boss then asked me what happened and after I told her, she told me to go home and take a few days off and that she would either take my place and do the audit (which I should have done) tomorrow herself or postpone it.

 

I will never be able to look at my workplace the same way again. This is the place where it all started. We were both interns here when we met. I had so many good memories of this place and I was so happy here with her. That played a part in my decision to take this job offer when it came along after I had just finished uni. Now this place is also a reminder of her death and the pain that I feel.

 

Once in my car and on the way home, I had to stop twice on what is usally a 10 minute ride because I was shaking and crying uncontrollably.

 

When I finally got home, I had trouble opening my mailbox because I couldn't handle that little key because my hands were shaking. And in my frustration, I kicked that mailbox repeatedly. Unfortunately, the pole is made of steel and I hurt my foot in the process. So I spent the rest of the morning at my orthopaedist to find out if my foot was broken. The drive again interrupted because I had to cry.

 

The only lucky break I got today was that my foot isn't broken, but it is badly bruised and I had a laceration and now I am on crutches. I am angry at myself for being such a mess and even more so for not controlling my anger and kicking that stupid mailbox. Sadly enough, the physical pain serves as a reminder that all this isn't just a nightmare.

 

Right now, I am still a mess and my emotions are still in charge and I don't like it one bit, that isn't me. But I can't regain my composure for more than a few minutes when I am alone before I lose it again. However, there is some slight progress. I regain control a bit longer now every time I try and I managed not to have a breakdown at the orthopaedist.

 

I still have no idea how her father managed to contact me and I didn't ask him. In fact, I didn't ask a single question during the whole conversation. Her father always liked me and he must have sensed that I was in no shape to deal with this. I don't like feeling sorry for myself, especially in such a situation where other people have so many more and more severe problems than I do. I can't even begin to think how her father and the rest of her family are feeling and then I act like a wimpy coward. And I am so ashamed for that.

 

I unplugged/turned off my phones and I need to figure out a way to get myself ready for the funeral on friday. Her father gave me his number and he offered that I can talk to him if I want or that we could talk after the funeral.

 

But I am not ready to talk to him right now. I do want to talk to him after the funeral. but I don't know what I will find at the funeral. How was her lifer after us? Will there be a bf or even a grieving husband and kids?

 

I have no idea and those questions haunt me right now. I always wanted her to be happy, so I should be happy if she found love again and had a family of her own. It is pathetic but I am not so sure that I could handle that after the way I lost it today.

 

I am thinking small steps, one at a time will get me into a more presentable state of mind but I don't have the time for that. Only two days until the funeral, but I need to be there. Now that darkness sets in, I wonder if I will find some sleep tonight. I doubt it, but at least this dreadful day will soon be over and tomorrow will be a new, and hopefully better day.

 

For the people who actually took the time to read through all my drivel, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Green]

I read your post and I have a theory on why this is affecting you so much. You said you've seen your share of death, and who knows what else you may have experienced, maybe this event is causing you to feel past pain as well as this new pain all at once. It is curiose that her father found a way to contact you, that is really nice. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and activly change your thinking. Don't get in the mind set that your work is a place to feel sad because you met her there. Good luck in waking up from this nightmare.

[Taramere]

For the people who actually took the time to read through all my drivel, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

It certainly wasn't drivel, and I hope it was helpful to you to write it out.

 

First of all, my heart goes out to you. I bet a lot of people here can relate to those residual feelings following the break-up of an important relationship. Even years later. Who won't read your post and think "how would I react if I got a phone call to say that X had died? How would I feel, after not having seen them in so long?"

 

I hope you will go to her funeral. There's no such thing as having "less right to grieve". Grieving isn't a right that you can only exercise under certain circumstances; it's an automatic response to loss. You're having to face the loss (from the world) of someone who mattered a great deal to you - and in respect of whom you still harboured certain hopes. Even if the only realistic hope was that at some point in the future your paths would cross.

 

Now you have to deal with the knowledge that that isn't going to happen, and I guess that knowledge is going to hit you over and over in the next few days. And the pain of it will feel fresh each time. So I also hope you take up her dad's offer to talk some of this through once you've had time to think a bit (and, of course, he's had time to recover from the immediate aftermath). He's a link to a past that you might need to explore a bit over the next few weeks. You'll probably want to know a bit about her life after the two of you broke up. Fill in that gap.

 

I'm guessing that this event will probably force you to something of a crossroads in your life where you have no option to make changes. Changes that might have been a long time coming. I wish you all the best.

[Trialbyfire]

((hugs)) Stockalone. Your grief and pain are palpable. I hope sharing will help you, at least a little bit.

[quankanne]

I am so sorry for your loss, stock. Because even though it's been awhile since the two of you were "two of you," sometimes you have that strong bond with someone, and grieving their loss is a normal process. Simply because you had that connection, you know?

 

the only advice I can offer is that to move past your grief, you have to move through it. Take however long you need to heal; being in touch with her daddy will heal the both of you, because obviously you meant enough to this girl that her dad knew how to contact you. Find comfort – and happiness, too – in your common bond. It won't be strange or weird, but something you can provide each other during this tough time.

 

other advice is to not make any drastic decisions about your work or your life at this point, because you're operating on your generators right now and what seems like a good idea now really isn't in retrospect. Going to a workplace you shared will be incredibly hard, but don't let the grief allow you to focus on the pain, but let it remind you that y'all were full of hope for the future as interns together. Maybe you'll move on, but don't let it be your hurt making that decision.

 

lo siento,

quank

[Taramere]

other advice is to not make any drastic decisions about your work or your life at this point, because you're operating on your generators right now and what seems like a good idea now really isn't in retrospect. Going to a workplace you shared will be incredibly hard, but don't let the grief allow you to focus on the pain, but let it remind you that y'all were full of hope for the future as interns together. Maybe you'll move on, but don't let it be your hurt making that decision.

 

lo siento,

quank

 

That's a really good point, Quankanne. I read over my post again and thought "sh*t, that wasn't the greatest advice I ever gave - re the making changes bit." Changes do sometimes come after loss, but you're absolutely right. The time when you're grieving is not the best time to make life changing decisions. I'm glad you said it.

[quankanne]

change in itself isn't the problem, just the timing of it is. If he had an opportunity to move/leave that he was already considering, then it could be beneficial. However, making a life-changing decision while you're depressed can bite you on the butt.

 

so, I think we BOTH have given food for thought, TM!

[Nevermind]

Stockalone, I am so sorry to read this. Your pain comes through with every word you've written. Hopefully, posting here will help with the numbness you are feeling right now. If this site, if us users can help you with the pain is only for you to decide.

 

Don't feel bad about feeling so deeply. It shows that you have a warm, open heart. And your ex knew this, or else your father never would have called you. Take solace from the thought that you were important for her, so much that even after 5 years of no contact, her father called you to let you know.

 

You are griefing now for two people, the lovely girl you lost and yourself and the possible future you were, secretly, hoping for. You have to let go of a beloved and hope at the same time. It is no wonder that you are feeling the way you do.

 

Again, don't surpress those feelings out of shame.

 

There is no advice, at least not from me. All I can offer is an open ear and the hope that you will get through this.

 

((hugs))

[Kasan]

I know exactly what you are going through. I lost an ex three months after we broke up. He died in a tragic skiing accident. I found out by reading it in the local newspaper.

 

He contacted me two weeks before he died, and I was out and never returned his call. I am haunted to this day by what he wanted to say.

 

I attended his funeral and saw his parents, who were so happy to see me.

 

We kept in touch with each other for several years and as it often happens, we drifted apart.

 

His death was a life altering event for me. There is a saying that goes something like this "from great pain comes great growth" and this was the case for me.

 

From his death, I have learned that people will come and go in your life, and no matter how long they stay, they leave an indelible stamp on it.

 

Wishing you peace.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I am so sorry for your loss, Stockalone.

 

Please don't feel bad about losing control over your emotions. That's what grief is. You can't control it, nor should you. Feel what you are feeling and don't fight it. By engaging in these emotions, you are healing yourself.

 

I agree with the other poster about past stresses and pain coming out now. I used to be a flight attendant based in NY and I developed debilitating anxiety episodes while flying after 9/11. I would start shaking right in the middle of the cabin and I couldn't control my body. It didn't make sense to me. I was grieving over the attacks, and the upheaval it brought to my life, but I was not afraid of terrorists 6 months after the event.

 

I went to counseling and discovered that I was experiencing the pain of a trauma that had happened years ago.

 

Do not make your pain worse by labeling yourself "weak" or a "coward".

[Trialbyfire]

Stockalone, are you around? You're not weak by posting through your grief. Plse continue posting your thoughts and emotions. We're here for you.

[daphne]

Stock,

 

I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. Please take it easy on yourself.

[Ocean-Blue]

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.

 

I hope you allow yourself to cry and feel... Don't try to control yourself too much at this point. You're allowed to be devastated. It's OK to cry and to get angry.

 

I hope you find comfort and peace in the arms of your friends.

[Star Gazer]

Stock, I'm at a loss for words. I lost an ex a couple years ago, I found out when I coincidentally happened to click on my hometown's online newspaper and saw an announcement for his funeral. He was a police officer killed in the line of duty by a drunk driver. Part of the highway is now named after him. Sadly, I found out about his death minutes before his memorial service was set to begin, and I was over 400 miles away. I've never really felt like I got the chance to say goodbye.

 

Anyway, I understand the pain you're experiencing. Please believe that while it seems impossible now, you will heal.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Fun2BMe]

I am really sorry for the loss. I can tell how much pain you are in. I think you should be yourself and it's ok to show how sad you are at the funeral instead of worrying so much about what her father and others will think. It's a time where grief is expected and not a concealed expression to show false strength. They will be there to support you and you them.

 

I think you should stop thinking about what-if's - the fantasy you had of being together again was only a fantasy, and there's nothing you can do to change the reality. Don't regret not having made contact with her. She obviously cared a lot about you and probably told her father before she died, to contact you so you could be at the funeral.

 

Don't beat yourself up wondering if she had a husband and kids and what they will think of you greiving at the funeral. She obviously had boyfriends and a life before whoever she was last with, and for you to show your feelings is a sign that she had people who cared that much about her.

 

Just be yourself, share and show your emotions and get the support you need from her friends and family to heal. Don't associate your workplace with death but instead choose to associate it as the place you once worked together with fond memories. It's up to you how to interpret and label things and places and using death is the one thing in your post that will show you are feeling sorry for yourself and not being positive.

 

You seem to have a great boss. Women tend to be more sensitive - I doubt a male boss would say it's ok to take a few days off just because one of the employees was sad. Feel fortunate for the employer you have, for the fact that her father cared enough in his sorrow to contact you, and take care of yourself. Hope your foot heals soon!

[serial muse]

Just saw this post, Stock - I'm so very sorry for your loss. I do hope you'll go to the funeral and speak with her father - you might, ultimately, find some peace there. And so might he, to know that someone else loved his daughter so much. It's touching that he knew to call you.

 

((Stock))

 

My heart goes out to you.

[Stockalone]

Hi,

 

I would like to thank you all for replying. I am doing much better today. I didn't get much sleep last night, despite my best efforts. I think I drank nearly half a gallon of hot milk with honey but for most of the night I was tossing and turning sleeplessly in bed.

 

I didn't come back to LS last night after I had posted so I read your posts this morning when I got up.

 

Your posts have helped, be it by lending emotional support or through raising question that I had to think about. I have answered those who posted but I didn't thank all of you individually and sometimes I only replied to some parts of your posts. I hope you don't mind.

 

After spending last day in such distress, I was more busy today. Doing things helps me cope. I don't try to repress the emotions but I try to give the whole thing some structure. Seeing that I was lost yesterday when I hid and was passive, I figured I need to be more proactive and I also decided that I had to do some things to prepare for the funeral.

 

I had also promised my boss that I would call her early this morning to talk about work, if there is anything that needs to be done before the weekend and to talk about the audit. Since there were no pressing issues, we also talked about the situation and she told me that the head of R&D had talked to her about it.

 

My ex did her internship at R&D and the head of R&D is a friend of the family. Her father knew that I kept working here a couple of times during the semester breaks. It turns out that her father called the family friend to ask him for a favour, if he could find out how to contact me. So the mystery of how he got my number is solved.

 

Talking about work kept my mind busy which was good. I still cried this morning but I was now able to focus on the task at hand, the funeral.

 

Then it dawned on me. I need a new suit. The ones I have are all right for work but they didn't seem to be appropriate to say farewell. And the last time I was at a funeral, I wore my dress uniform but nothing would be more inappropriate for her funeral. So I had to leave my cave and look for a suit. I felt strange, wandering the streets thinking about what the other people might have on their mind. Today, I noticed more mother with their children than usual, wondering whether my ex has any children or not. That makes me question if I am more f***** up than I thought I was.

 

On my way to the store, I bought my favourite ice cream at the best ice cream parlour in town, but it didn't taste as good as usual. But I guess that was just another trick that my mind was playing on me.

 

Once at the store, I tried a few suits but it didn't take me long to decide which one I wanted. Never before have I spend more money on clothes, but I figured that now is not the time to be cheap. And I bought a purple silk tie, it was her favourite colour.

 

I also got a haircut and shaved. She never liked it when I had a beard. She always said it hurt her sensitive skin. I think she sometimes just used that as an excuse to make me shave though.

 

And I needed flowers. Dear God, I had nearly forgotten about flowers. I went to the shop and they showed me a few different bouquets. I found one that I liked (white roses with some purple flowers, don't know their name but they looked like an iris). I told them to make me one with the same composition but with white lilies instead of the roses and to have the bouquet ready by tomorrow morning so I can pick them up on the way to the funeral.

 

When I got home, I was proud. Proud to be able to run errands like a normal person. That must sound weird, but it was very important for me to know that I can function again. At least while I occupy my mind with other things.

 

Now that I am back, I feel more sorrow and the pain is back, but it is already more bearable than it was yesterday. I am now confident that I will make it through the funeral without becoming the mess I was yesterday. One day at a time, step by step and things will get better. But I expect the weekend to be harder than the funeral when I no longer have that to focus on anymore.

 

In answering your posts, I also got the feeling that I need to explan why we broke up. It became clear to me that a part of myself never forgave me for what I did, even though I believe it was the right decision. I think I got a lot of lenience from you. I am not so sure I deserve all that compassion. That will have to wait until another post though.

[Stockalone]

I read your post and I have a theory on why this is affecting you so much. You said you've seen your share of death, and who knows what else you may have experienced, maybe this event is causing you to feel past pain as well as this new pain all at once.

 

I had thought about that myself. However, I don't think that is the case but I can't rule it out completely. But when I think about those things, they don't trigger these emotions.

 

I guess that I was overwhelmed because I never saw it coming, nor did I ever think about how to handle such a situation. Another thing is that I was all alone, I wasn't responsible for anyone else. That was never the case before.

 

Additionally, it is like Nervermind said. I was not only grieving because I lost her, I was also grieving for the loss of my fairytale ending, as unrealistic as it might have been. It was something I was holding on to in my mind.

 

I was nearly as messed up when the relationship ended and it felt like the break up all over again, only now I know that this is it. No if's, no but's, no maybe's, not even that irrational little piece of hope I was holding on to the last time. And the fact that the relationship ended because of stubbornness and pride (maybe false pride) doesn't help making me feel better.

 

This is a different situation than what I was used to. An untimely death of someone you love is different.

 

My basketball coach from highschool, along with his wife and their small children, died in an avalanche accident and it was also very hard because I owed a lot to him and I had met his family on a few occations. But it was nothing like this.

 

The same goes for the death of a comrade or the sickening experience of seeing a mass grave with women and children. That sort of death was something that was "expected", I was prepared for it (as far as that is possible). And the feelings involved are very different than they are noe.

 

It's also different than losing a grandparent. You knew that they will eventually die.

 

 

 

It is curiose that her father found a way to contact you, that is really nice. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and activly change your thinking. Don't get in the mind set that your work is a place to feel sad because you met her there. Good luck in waking up from this nightmare.

 

It didn't occur to me until I wrote my summary that it was strange that he tracked me down.

 

My ex did her internship at R&D and the head of R&D is a friend of the family. Her father knew that I kept working here a couple of times during the semester breaks. It turns out that her father called the family friend to ask him for a favour, and if he could find out how to contact me. Which was an easy task, given that I now work here full-time. I am still surprised though that her father called me. I don't know if I would have done it, had our roles been reversed.

 

I was talking to my boss today about the audit and she told me that the head of R&D had talked to her about the situation.

 

I still like my job and I will keep working there. But it will be different. I feel like a kid again. Wondering how my first christmas will be after knowing there is no santa. I still expect there to be joy when I go back to work, but no more magic.

 

 

 

I hope you will go to her funeral. There's no such thing as having "less right to grieve". Grieving isn't a right that you can only exercise under certain circumstances; it's an automatic response to loss.

 

Oh, I will go. There is no doubt about that. I still have trouble though, accepting that I have the right to grieve. I mean, I am to blame for the failed relationship and even though I never wanted to hurt her, I ended up doing exactly that. I am not sure if everyone will be happy to see me, I am not sure her mother will be.

 

 

So I also hope you take up her dad's offer to talk some of this through once you've had time to think a bit (and, of course, he's had time to recover from the immediate aftermath). He's a link to a past that you might need to explore a bit over the next few weeks. You'll probably want to know a bit about her life after the two of you broke up. Fill in that gap.

 

One half of me wants to know about her past, and the other half is afraid of what I will learn. But I need to know.

 

 

I'm guessing that this event will probably force you to something of a crossroads in your life where you have no option to make changes. Changes that might have been a long time coming. I wish you all the best.

 

The timing off it all is just so awful. I had just spend the better part of two years rearranging my life after losing something that was important to me and at the same time pondering about how I want to continue with the personaly, romantic aspect of my life.

 

 

((hugs)) Stockalone. Your grief and pain are palpable. I hope sharing will help you, at least a little bit.

 

It did help because it showed me where to begin and how to solve this problem. I am someone who needs structure and order (at least in my mind). I can accept chaos and turmoil in my surroundings, but I can't have it in my head. Not being able to get the chaos and turmoil out of my innermost thoughts had me worried because that never happened before I couldn't fight it. I am already doing much better today. I started functioning again, making plans on how to best deal with this.

 

 

the only advice I can offer is that to move past your grief, you have to move through it. Take however long you need to heal; being in touch with her daddy will heal the both of you, because obviously you meant enough to this girl that her dad knew how to contact you. Find comfort – and happiness, too – in your common bond. It won't be strange or weird, but something you can provide each other during this tough time.

 

I am not so worried about her dad, we always got along fine and he seemed to be at least understanding with the decision I made back then. Still, how can it not be weird and strange to talk to him.

 

I am more worried about her mom, I don't think she will be too happy to see me.

 

 

other advice is to not make any drastic decisions about your work or your life at this point, because you're operating on your generators right now and what seems like a good idea now really isn't in retrospect. Going to a workplace you shared will be incredibly hard, but don't let the grief allow you to focus on the pain, but let it remind you that y'all were full of hope for the future as interns together. Maybe you'll move on, but don't let it be your hurt making that decision.

 

lo siento,

quank

 

There will be no change about work. However, there will definitely be another round of what to do from this point on. I don't make hasty decisions about things like that, in fact, I tend to overanalyze stuff like that and I really hate change. It's like I said to KMT, I still like my job and I will keep working there. But it will be different. I feel like a kid again. Wondering how my first christmas will be after knowing there is no santa. I still expect there to be joy when I go back to work, but no more magic.

 

 

Don't feel bad about feeling so deeply. It shows that you have a warm, open heart. And your ex knew this, or else your father never would have called you. Take solace from the thought that you were important for her, so much that even after 5 years of no contact, her father called you to let you know.

 

I guess so, but it isn't so simple.

 

 

You are griefing now for two people, the lovely girl you lost and yourself and the possible future you were, secretly, hoping for. You have to let go of a beloved and hope at the same time. It is no wonder that you are feeling the way you do.

 

That is exactly how I feel. It just seems like I never admitted, not even to myself how important that fantasy/hope was for me.

 

 

His death was a life altering event for me. There is a saying that goes something like this "from great pain comes great growth" and this was the case for me.

 

From his death, I have learned that people will come and go in your life, and no matter how long they stay, they leave an indelible stamp on it.

 

Thanks for sharing. I think it was Nietzsche who said: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger". We'll have to wait and see if it also does the same for me.

 

 

 

I am so sorry for your loss, Stockalone.

 

Please don't feel bad about losing control over your emotions. That's what grief is. You can't control it, nor should you. Feel what you are feeling and don't fight it. By engaging in these emotions, you are healing yourself.

 

...

 

I went to counseling and discovered that I was experiencing the pain of a trauma that had happened years ago.

 

You can never completely control emotions, but I think it is important to be able to control them so you aren't ruled by them. I was unable to do that yesterday when I was alone. I was ruled by my emotions.

 

 

Do not make your pain worse by labeling yourself "weak" or a "coward".

 

Stockalone, are you around? You're not weak by posting through your grief. Plse continue posting your thoughts and emotions. We're here for you.

 

Labeling myself is my way of forcing myself to regain the upper hand. It's hard to go against upbringing and training. I was being weak, but I am prepared to be much stronger from now on.

 

If I can't win the fight in the defensive, it's time to get pro-active.

 

 

Stock,

 

I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. Please take it easy on yourself.

 

It is a strange feeling. I guess I don't want to go easy on myself, because I don't deserve it. A part of me feels that way. I do think I made the right decision but I also feel that because that choice ended the relationship, I feel guilt.

 

 

Stock, I'm at a loss for words. I lost an ex a couple years ago, I found out when I coincidentally happened to click on my hometown's online newspaper and saw an announcement for his funeral. He was a police officer killed in the line of duty by a drunk driver. Part of the highway is now named after him. Sadly, I found out about his death minutes before his memorial service was set to begin, and I was over 400 miles away. I've never really felt like I got the chance to say goodbye.

 

Anyway, I understand the pain you're experiencing. Please believe that while it seems impossible now, you will heal.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Thanks for sharing. I am not afraid that I won't heal, but I am very sad because I will have to heal in a way that is very different from how I wanted things to end.

 

 

I am really sorry for the loss. I can tell how much pain you are in. I think you should be yourself and it's ok to show how sad you are at the funeral instead of worrying so much about what her father and others will think. It's a time where grief is expected and not a concealed expression to show false strength. They will be there to support you and you them.

 

I am still a bit unsure about that. I certainly expect to cry at her funeral, I don't see how I can avoid that. I don't have the strength. But crying in public will be a first for me but I am not ashamed of crying at her funeral.

 

 

I think you should stop thinking about what-if's - the fantasy you had of being together again was only a fantasy, and there's nothing you can do to change the reality. Don't regret not having made contact with her. She obviously cared a lot about you and probably told her father before she died, to contact you so you could be at the funeral.

 

She is the only what-if I have ever had in my life. I feel terrible that she has no more chance to live her life and make her dreams come true.

 

But I am also devastated about no longer having that fantasy of "us". It seems like that fantasy, as unrealistic as it was, anchored and steadied me.

 

 

Don't beat yourself up wondering if she had a husband and kids and what they will think of you greiving at the funeral. She obviously had boyfriends and a life before whoever she was last with, and for you to show your feelings is a sign that she had people who cared that much about her.

 

Yes, I know that this is the reality but I am afraid of that reality.

 

 

You seem to have a great boss. Women tend to be more sensitive - I doubt a male boss would say it's ok to take a few days off just because one of the employees was sad. Feel fortunate for the employer you have, for the fact that her father cared enough in his sorrow to contact you, and take care of yourself. Hope your foot heals soon!

 

The first time I worked for her was almost eight years ago when I started Uni. I have known her longer than anyone else in her department. Besides, I expect them to simply deduct those days I miss from what is left of my paid leave. I think I have 15+ days left, so that shouldn't be a problem.

 

And my foot is not important. Two weeks and I will be as good as new. I had a lot of injuries that were far more serious. This time it's only bruises and cuts. But thank you.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

 

You can never completely control emotions, but I think it is important to be able to control them so you aren't ruled by them. I was unable to do that yesterday when I was alone. I was ruled by my emotions.

 

 

 

But only for one day.

[Kasan]

You will get through the funeral. It's just what we do as humans.

 

We endure these losses, reflect on their lives, their impact on us, take inventory, make life adjustments, and...... if we are blessed, hope that someone will miss us as much as we miss them when it is our time to depart this world.

[Stockalone]

Just saw this post, Stock - I'm so very sorry for your loss. I do hope you'll go to the funeral and speak with her father - you might, ultimately, find some peace there. And so might he, to know that someone else loved his daughter so much. It's touching that he knew to call you.

 

((Stock))

 

My heart goes out to you.

 

I am sorry that I didn't reply sooner to your post. Thanks for your support. I was at the funeral and talked with her parents, but it was very strange. I am not quite sure what to make of it.

[Trialbyfire]

Stock, strength is being able to display a vulnerability and then consciously working your way through it. You're a strong man. Never believe otherwise!

[Stockalone]

But only for one day.

 

One day can seem like an eternity for someone who had never experienced anything like this. I was used to shut out feelings, at least so far that I can deal with as much as I am possible to handle at the time.

 

That worked for the most part while I was in public, but was tremendously difficult. And then, when I was alone, I felt like I was trapped inside my own mind. That scared me.

 

 

 

You will get through the funeral. It's just what we do as humans.

 

We endure these losses, reflect on their lives, their impact on us, take inventory, make life adjustments, and...... if we are blessed, hope that someone will miss us as much as we miss them when it is our time to depart this world.

 

Thanks. I am really glad I went to the funeral. I also talked to her parents, but it seems that for every question I got answered, a new question arose.

 

It is very strange. I will adress what happened in another post. Right now, I can't trust my gut instincts. I felt like her family looked at me funny at the funeral, but I can't be sure if that was indded the case or if I just feel like that because of my own guilt.

 

So far, I haven't talked to anyone outside the anonymity of Loveshack about all this in detail. I am not yet sure if I should talk to family or friends as long as I don't have the bigger picture. I have only pieces of a puzzle but I don't even know how the puzzle is supposed to look when it's finished.

 

My boss knows what happened but that is about it. She knows nothing about the funeral so far. And I told her that I will decide on day-by-day basis when I return. The next week would be slow anyway, so there is no pressure for now.

[Stockalone]

Stock, strength is being able to display a vulnerability and then consciously working your way through it. You're a strong man. Never believe otherwise!

 

Believe me, I am trying to believe.

 

Usually, when I was unsure of a decison because I was torn inside which route to take, the doubts got less and less the more I thought about it and with time those doubts faded. It is different with this situation.

 

The doubts about whether I made the right decison or not kept getting bigger and bigger the more I thought about it, even before what happened these last days.

 

I am trying to find out why that is. I guess I know the answers, but am afraid to ask the questions and answer myself honestly. My decision always felt like a lose-lose situation. That is how it felt back then and that is how it feels today. Those feelings never changed.

[Trialbyfire]

Believe me, I am trying to believe.

 

Usually, when I was unsure of a decison because I was torn inside which route to take, the doubts got less and less the more I thought about it and with time those doubts faded. It is different with this situation.

 

The doubts about whether I made the right decison or not kept getting bigger and bigger the more I thought about it, even before what happened these last days.

 

I am trying to find out why that is. I guess I know the answers, but am afraid to ask the questions and answer myself honestly. My decision always felt like a lose-lose situation. That is how it felt back then and that is how it feels today. Those feelings never changed.

Imagine if you'd stayed with her and created a life together including children, and then finding out about the terminal bone marrow condition.

 

In many ways, I think you were saved a worse heartache.