The worst day of my life

[Fun2BMe]

Imagine if you'd stayed with her and created a life together including children, and then finding out about the terminal bone marrow condition.

 

In many ways, I think you were saved a worse heartache.

 

As sad as that is, that is a really good point in a creepy way... And if you had children with her, they'd be carrying that early cancer gene too. Sorry I know it's bad to be saying this, but it is true and maybe you were spared greater heartache from being the one to burry her after living with her day/night and watching her die.

[elaina]

Stock,

 

I am so sorry. Thanks for posting and please keep up updated on how you are doing.

[Stockalone]

For my own sake, and in an attempt to keep my sanity and also to forgive myself and come to terms what happened, I have decided to write this down.

 

For those who are interested in how I met my first love, you can read it here.

 

 

How we met:

 

We actually met a few days before we started our internships.

 

I saw her for the first time in a home-improvement market. She was wearing a pair of jeans that had seen better days and a sweater with dabs of paint on it. But that didn’t stop her radiant beauty to shine through. I was literally mesmerized by her.

 

You have to keep in mind that I was a 21 year old virgin that hadn’t even dated before that day. I had seen many women that looked attractive, but it was never like this before, and so far it has never been the same since.

 

At that time, a voice in my head kept screaming that I need to talk to her. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to do that.

 

After spending what seemed like hours to me, simply watching her from afar, I at least managed to come up with the idea to drive my cart up next to hers and see if there is a chance to strike up a conversation. Needless to say, I couldn’t think of anything, so I just pretended to be looking at some of the merchandise and eventually moved along to another aisle.

 

However, that voice in my head kept getting louder and louder. Still, I kept ignoring it and went looking for the stuff that I came here for. But to no avail, neither the voice in my head nor she went anywhere. We crossed paths in the aisles another two times. The first time, she looked at me and I got a smile. The second time, she was reaching for a box in one of the top shelves but couldn't quite reach it. “Help her!”, the voice in my head was clamouring by now.

 

I walked up behind her and took down one of the boxes for her. When I handed it to her, she softly bit her lower lip and then I was rewarded with a broad smile and a thank you.

 

In a desperate attempt to initiate conversation, I said: “From the looks of it (I had taken a look in her cart), it seems that I am not the only one moving into a new place.”

 

That started a bit of small talk, and I also made her laugh a couple of times but I was still not bold enough to ask for her number or anything else. So when she walked away, that glimmer of hope I was harbouring, vanished.

 

Defeated, and on my way to the checkout counter, I saw her standing in line and decided to stand in line behind her. She already had her stuff on the conveyor belt when she saw me and upon seeing me, she smiled again.

 

She took a look in my cart and suddenly said: “Hey, I was looking for these (a certain kind of dowels), but couldn’t find them.”

 

The voice in my head was back instantly, “You bloody fool, do something already. Now or never”. Without thinking, I replied: “I’ll trade you mine for a cup of coffee. A few streets from here is a nice looking place that I passed by on my way to the store”.

 

To my utter surprise, she accepted and we started talking and as it turned out, we were both going to do an internship at the same company. That kick-started the conversation and to be honest, that was probably what saved me and broke the ice. From that point on, I had no trouble keeping the conversation going and after a couple of hours at the cafe and a walk along the river, it eventually led to a “proper” follow-up date. Once we had started as interns, we met for lunch at work and continued to spend time outside of work together. A few weeks later, we were pretty much inseparable.

 

Me being a virgin in his early twenties and not used to a relationship caused quite a few problems, but she was always very patient with me and our relationship became stronger because of it. At the end of our internship, our relationship turned into a weekend/long distance realtionship for another two years before it ended.

[Stockalone]

How it ended:

 

After initial difficulties due to my immaturity and inexperience, things went very well and we both were very happy.

 

We had a few fights over petty things but otherwise were on the same page with all the critical stuff. Or so we thought.

 

The one thing that had caused a “real” problem became apparent when I was visiting her for the first time. We had met as interns and had then gone back to Uni at different cities.

 

When I visited her for the first time, I also met some of her friends for the first time. They came over that day and after being introduced to them, they asked if my gf if we want to accompany them to an antiwar demonstration. That was all before 9/11 and was aimed against my country's participation in the war in the former Yugoslavia.

 

Now comes the tricky part. This was a topic that we (my gf and I) never had discussed. She knew that I had served (in Germany you either serve in the military as a consript or you can opt for an alternative civil service instead). I knew that she was always more of a pacifist (she even made me catch the spiders and release them instead of letting me simply kill them) but we had never discussed how strongly we lean to the different sides. It honestly was never an issue and I didn’t think that it was important. As a result, she didn’t know that I was a reserve officer and what I didn’t know was that she had friends who were involved in the anti-war movement.

 

So, my gf said that she would probably have joined them but that she wanted to spend time with me because we only see each other at weekends or every other week. I figured that I better keep my mouth shut and that I need to talk to my gf before I get into an argument with her friends.

 

Unfortunately, her friends turned to me and asked me if I didn’t want to come too. After all, if we all went, I could spend time with my gf.

 

I should have told them that I rather spend time alone with her but I couldn’t help but overlook one of them carrying a poster to the car that said: “Soldiers are murderers”. That pissed me off and I told them that I wouldn’t mind going with them but that I would be standing on the other side.

 

That led to an argument and also to the first serious fight with my gf. She was angry because I picked a fight with their friends, one which I could have avoided. And she was disappointed to learn that we didn’t see eye to eye about the whole topic.

 

We discussed it and after a few weeks, we finally agreed to disagree. It was nothing that affected things between us and that we could live with our differences. Things went back to normal and I also got along well with most of her friends, aside from some of the “hardcore” pacifists”. Then came 9/11 and the aftermath.

 

My country send troops to Afghanistan. While I didn’t agree with that fully, I was feeling the pressure this put on our armed forces and my comrades still serving in the army. I had still contact with some of them and especially in my branch, resources were stretched thin.

 

I started to feel bad for being a reservist who did nothing while active personnel and reservists who volunteered had to carry the burden to serve in either the balkans or now in Afghanistan more than once.

 

I struggled with that for a while, knowing that my gf would not like me to volunteer but I finally saw no other choice if I wanted to look at the mirror every morning with a good conscience.

 

When I told her that I was thinking about volunteering for one tour in the balkans, she was devastated.

 

Aside from how she felt about war in general, I would also mean that we would be apart for at least six months. She would be graduating by the time I got an assignment and we still didn’t know how to continue after her graduation. We had been talking about her looking for a job that was closer to me, seeing that I still had two years left at Uni. Serving again would also mean a later date of graduation for me.

 

But first and foremost, she was afraid that something would happen to me. I tried to reason with her that a tour in the balkans would be far less dangerous than Afghanistan and that not many soldiers get wounded or even killed there. But looking back, that was not really helping, because it didn’t address the problem and she probably thought that I do not validate her feelings. She wasn’t concerned about statistics, she was concerned about me.

 

She pleaded with me not to go through with my plans and she later even begged me. I wasn’t able to fully see things from her point of view. I don’t know if it was a feeling of being invincible or simple ignorance. All I know, I didn’t think I would be hurt, I mean what soldier does? You don’t think about that, aside from putting your affairs in order before you leave, making a will, just in case.

 

We had that discussion again and again and eventually she knew she couldn’t change my mind and asked me to choose between her and my pride. She said she couldn’t live like that, waiting, wondering if something happened to me. I told her that I never wanted to hurt her, but I felt like I had do this.

 

I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t because I questioned what we had, that I still loved her. However, I thought by staying, I would start to resent myself and I also was mad at her for making this even more difficult for me. I had no reason to be mad at her, but it took me a long time to understand that. She asked me to choose between our love and my pride and I chose my pride and by doing so hurt her very much. I don’t blame her. How can I love her and then do the thing she fears most and the thing that will hurt her so much. I was always torn about that decision but in the end, I decided to serve.

 

It became clear that we couldn’t live like this and we decided to end the relationship. Neither of us wanted to but there was no other way anymore.

 

We also decided on no contact. I didn’t handle the break-up very well and I don’t think it was different for her. I guess it was even harder for her. But to be honest, I was also relieved about it. When I think back, I probably would have shot myself had I gotten a Dear John letter while abroad. That was at least something I didn’t have to worry about when we ended the relationship and had no contact.

 

That was the end of it. I contacted her once after I got back, congratulating her for getting her degree and to tell her that I got back home safely. She sounded relieved to hear that but I didn’t get the feeling that she wanted me back in her life.

 

I guess it would have been my job to beg her for forgiveness after I came back and maybe she would have forgiven me, but I was to stubborn to do that. Besides, I still didn’t think that it was so wrong for me to do what I did.

 

And she is as stubborn and proud as I am, so I figured I had already blown my last chance when I decided to go in the first place. After that last contact, I retreated into my little fantasy, that maybe some day, things would be different. Now they are different, but not how I hoped they would be.

[Stockalone]

Imagine if you'd stayed with her and created a life together including children, and then finding out about the terminal bone marrow condition.

 

In many ways, I think you were saved a worse heartache.

 

 

As sad as that is, that is a really good point in a creepy way... And if you had children with her, they'd be carrying that early cancer gene too. Sorry I know it's bad to be saying this, but it is true and maybe you were spared greater heartache from being the one to burry her after living with her day/night and watching her die.

 

I had been thinking about that even before I went to the funeral. I'd like to believe that I would be one of those widowers who goes to visit his wife's grave everyday to tell her about how the children are doing.

 

The father of the closest thing I have to a female friend is one of those men. I always admired him, he never was bitter about his life (or at least he didn't show it), but when his wife died, their daughters were already in their late teens. Still, to live life with those good memories and two children doesn't seem to be the worst of fates.

 

Right now, I would choose the dead wife, and would gladly take the children instead of my situation. That way, I would have closure and no regrets.

 

What I have are regrets, no closure and no children that would have made their mother's death less in vain.

[Ronni_W]

Stock.

Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate portrait of what you are going through. I've been thinking of you since I read your first post. I am sorry for your loss of your beloved and your hope, as another poster so insightfully put it.

 

I guess it doesn't really matter, now, if you say that your relationship ended because of your "pride" or because of your higher sense of duty to what seemed, at the time, like a 'bigger cause', perhaps?

 

In any event, I do wish for you that you will find the self-forgiveness and inner peace that are somewhat elusive at the moment.

 

And I know what you mean about the "dead wife" seeming like a finer option.

 

Sending Love and Light.

[Stockalone]

Stock,

 

I am so sorry. Thanks for posting and please keep up updated on how you are doing.

 

Thanks, I will have an update about the funeral shortly.

 

 

 

Stock.

Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate portrait of what you are going through. I've been thinking of you since I read your first post. I am sorry for your loss of your beloved and your hope, as another poster so insightfully put it.

 

Thank you.

 

 

I guess it doesn't really matter, now, if you say that your relationship ended because of your "pride" or because of your higher sense of duty to what seemed, at the time, like a 'bigger cause', perhaps?

 

It does matter to me. I felt I needed to do it because doing my duty is an integral part of my indentity and as such it has also to do with how this effects my male pride and self-worth as a man. She said that I would not be less of a man for following my heart and choosing our love instead of what I perceive to be neccessary in order to feel like the man I think I need to be.

 

I always had anticipated the repercussions this decision might have for me and I can live with that.

 

What I hardly took into account, and this is what I can't forgive myself, is that my decision might have negatively influenced her life in a similar way. I do not understand how I could have been so foolish not to see this back then.

 

Being responsible for my own life and the mysery a decision might cause is one thing. That I might have done the same thing to her is unacceptable.

 

 

In any event, I do wish for you that you will find the self-forgiveness and inner peace that are somewhat elusive at the moment.

 

And I know what you mean about the "dead wife" seeming like a finer option.

 

Sending Love and Light.

 

I am still torn inside. If you read my update about the funeral, I am sure you will understand.

[Stockalone]

The funeral:

 

I was contemplating to wait with an update on the funeral, seeing that I don’t know what to make of it. I am still confused. But I figured since all you guys have helped me, it is only fair to let you know how I am holding up.

 

As most of you know by now, I was anxious about the funeral because I wasn’t sure how I would be received. Thankfully, it turned out better than I feared. I had decided to show up ahead of time and had left over an hour early to make sure I got there in time.

 

My foot was bothering me, as I had underestimated the pain after squeezing my foot into a regular shoe. But I didn’t want attend the funeral on crutches.

 

Her father spotted me first and came towards me. To my own surprise, he was rather upbeat (but that is how he is) and I also was greeted in his familiar joking manner.

 

“Well, well, well, soldier. It seems like you have finally gotten lazy and put on some weight. It has been a while but it’s good that you have come.”

 

That helped me put my mind at least a bit at ease. Her mother on the other hand seemed friendly, but not hostile. I guess that is more than I could have expected.

 

They asked me to come to the wake afterwards. While I had a lot of questions, I had neither the desire nor would it have been appropriate to ask those questions at their daughter’s grave.

 

The funeral itself was nice, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that people were looking at me in funny way. I can’t trust my gut instincts right now but it felt like this wasn’t merely a projection of my own guilt.

 

In any case, that feeling faded quickly, once I was paying attention to my own feelings and letting the sorrow leave my body with the tears. She is buried in the shadow of a mighty German oak, that is a good place to rest.

 

Being at the wake felt kind of wrong but I had all those questions, quite selfish in this time of grieve, but I needed at least some of them answered.

 

Once again her father took the initiative after things had quieted down. “I guess you were wondering why I called you and I can see that you have questions.”

 

I spare you the details on how bad life treated her towards the end but I also don’t want to get into it again. She never got married and she also never had kids. And I feel terrible about that because that was something she always wanted. Despite my actions and my hope of getting together again someday, I had always hoped that she would have a happy live. The live that she always wanted and a live that she would have deserved.

 

On the other hand, had she been happily married, I would also have been distraught, but as much as it would have hurt, I think that would have been better for the both of us. Now I wonder if she also had regrets and if she was unhappy.

 

Obviously, I couldn’t ask her parents if her daughter died unhappy, that would be awful and they were sometimes evasive when answering my questions. They also wanted to know how I had been doing since we split and I was honest with them. Sometimes they shared looks that made me fear that she indeed had regrets about us and wasn’t always happy after us.

 

There is also one thing her mother said that was incredibly painful but I can’t hold it against her. When I had asked about a family, a husband, or a current boyfriend, her mother casually said that “none of the men in her life were ever there for her when it mattered”. A part of me wanted to crawl under a rock and die there, as I am certain that was at least partly directed at me.

 

I wasn’t sure if I hadn’t overstayed my welcome so I was preparing to leave when her father told me to wait. He left the room and when he returned, he gave me a letter that is addressed to me in my gf’s handwriting. He said he doesn’t know what she wrote but that it might answer some of my questions but on the other hand I might also want to talk to them once I have read it. And that the reason he called me was because of the letter.

 

I had a hard time keeping my balance, I was so shocked and yet, I don’t think I should have been surprised. I don't know if I should laugh or cry about that, but I have such a letter sitting right next to my will. A letter that is addressed to her. It reminded me how alike we were in many ways.

 

There is no much use in keeping my letter now. I had written that letter in case something would happen to me on deployment. It just never occurred to me until that very moment that one day I might the the recipient of such a letter.

 

So far, I haven't opened it because I fear it's content too much. There is a chance it contains the closure and forgiveness I seek so desperately but there is also the chance that what she wrote could deal me another huge blow.

 

I have been staring at this letter for days now and I am already so paranoid that I carry it around with me wherever I go. I don't want to leave it alone for fear it could be lost or destroyed. That is seriously crazy, and still, I can't bring myself to read it. Every time I stop focusing on something else, I think about that letter.

 

To keep myself from obsessing over that letter, I have tried to follow my daily routine. But since I didn’t go to work, there is not much to do.

 

I went grocery shopping and I prepared a meal, I can’t even remember when I ate the last time. I could stand to lose the weight but I think it is a good sign that at least on thing is getting slowly back to normal.

 

And I also managed to read and post in some of the threads on LS and smiled for the first time in days when I read spookie’s thread title about getting peed on. I had no idea that was meant literally.

 

Nonetheless, the nights are turning into torture. I have dreams about her, the time we spend together and now I dream about that letter. It is teasing me and torturing me at the same time.

 

My friends talked me into going out on Saturday. That event was long planned and I eventually gave in. Without telling them what was going on, I couldn’t come up with a reason why not to go. And I also hoped that it would be a welcome distraction. However, they became suspicious of my behaviour, especially refusing to let go of my jacket. You see, I was carrying the letter in my jacket.

 

If I had told them that she had died, they would probably have showm sympathy but they would also have given me a hard time questioning me. They have always been on her side and kept reminding me whenever the topic came up.

 

Everyday the weight of that letter grows heavier and heavier around my neck. I don’t think I can hold out much longer but I had hoped that I will be in a more stable state of mind when I read it, more consolidated.

 

I keep thinkning that one more day will make me stronger and more prepared for what she wrote but I am also afraid that this is nothing more than wishful thinking.

 

As soon as I find the courage to open and read her letter, I will give you another update.

[Trialbyfire]

Read the letter Stock. While it might tear you apart I think you know that you need to read it.

 

Know that I'm still here for you and reading, but not posting. I can only offer support in the form of a shoulder.

[Ronni_W]

It does matter to me. I felt I needed to do it because doing my duty is an integral part of my indentity and as such it has also to do with how this effects my male pride.

Or maybe just "human" pride? -- not in a negative/arrogant sense, but in the sense that we are drawn to do what feels "right and noble". And your choise, at the time, WAS right and noble for you.

I absolutely understand that you felt your place was beside your comrades, to support and assist in whatever way you could. "Proud to stand next to them" kind of pride, not "big boy in army" kind of pride.

 

From my view, it was an admirable response to your inner calling, not gender-specific, "negative" pride but, well, more like humility than pride, now that I'm thinking of it. More like...you didn't feel "too special" or "more deserving" of something easier than your comrades...isn't that humility?

 

What I hardly took into account, and this is what I can't forgive myself, is that my decision might have negatively influenced her life in a similar way. I do not understand how I could have been so foolish not to see this back then.

Being responsible for my own life and the mysery a decision might cause is one thing. That I might have done the same thing to her is unacceptable.

Honestly THAT sounds more like negative/arrogant pride because now you are beating yourself up because you did not, at that time, possess an almost godlike Insight ON TOP OF you didn't have more wisdom than one at that age might have merited. (If you're up for a joke: you weren't THAT special...to have had THAT kind of 'mystical access' to the future, I mean .)

 

But I know what you mean -- my dad died at an early age, while on vacation. I could have spent more time with him before he went on holiday, or gave an extra-long goodbye hug. Or something. But, like you, I didn't have the insight that would have been necessary for me to make a different choice/decision at that time.

 

It's hard. We didn't know then what we know now. That is forgivable. At some point, if we are to move forward (as they probably would prefer that we do), we MUST make it acceptable. Sending hugs.

[Star Gazer]

I think we're all doing the same thing, Stock. We're here, as shoulders... Whenever you're ready....

[Ronni_W]

, he gave me a letter that is addressed to me in my gf’s handwriting....And that the reason he called me was because of the letter.

 

...I have such a letter sitting right next to my will. A letter that is addressed to her.

 

So far, I haven't opened it because I fear it's content too much. There is a chance it contains the closure and forgiveness I seek so desperately but there is also the chance that what she wrote could deal me another huge blow.

I suspect you are right, Stock -- likely there will be both, and equally tough on the pysche. I can only suggest to wait until your Inner Voice says it is time to open the letter, though I'm not even sure that one can ever be fully prepared for whatever will come next. The imagination can barely envision or encompass it.

 

Somehow I like the idea that her letter has your 'companion' letter -- it just seems 'appropriate' or 'fitting' or something sweet (not sure how to explain it.)

 

Her father is handling this so beautifully, with such compassion. He is perhaps giving an insight into the person she may have been -- she sounds perfectly lovely (in addition to being so beautiful as to have 'stolen' your heart wearing tatty blue jeans and paint-stained shirt .)

 

Sending Solace, Courage and Guidance.

[Nevermind]

Stockalone,

 

you need to grief and you need to allow yourself to do so. This is not weakness, it's strength really. Those who can face their sorrow, grief and fear are the bravest among us.

 

Just one thing, though...grief for the girl you lost and for the past that is now "closed". But don't grief about the possibility of a future. It will bring you no closure.

 

There is not much to say, but let me add that I hope you'll be better in a while and that you can find strength and new hope from all of this.

 

((hugs))

[Stockalone]

Thank you Trialbyfire and Star Gazer and everyone else of course. I am deeply touched that people who don't know me care about my situation.

 

 

(If you're up for a joke: you weren't THAT special...to have had THAT kind of 'mystical access' to the future, I mean .)

 

I can handle the jokes. I have always been able to laugh about myself. And I know I am not that special, I just wish I could have possessed more wisdom. But I know that I can't change the past.

 

 

Somehow I like the idea that her letter has your 'companion' letter -- it just seems 'appropriate' or 'fitting' or something sweet (not sure how to explain it.)

 

I think the word you are looking for is bittersweet. At least that is how I view it.

 

 

He is perhaps giving an insight into the person she may have been -- she sounds perfectly lovely (in addition to being so beautiful as to have 'stolen' your heart wearing tatty blue jeans and paint-stained shirt .)

 

She certainly had a lot in common with her father, especially the patience, humour and ease of mind.

 

Her beauty might have already captured my heart on the day we met but what made me give her my heart willingly were the little things. The way her beautiful brown eyes sparkled every time she looked at me, how she snuggled up to me when we watched a movie, the way she would run her fingers through my hair when I kissed her neck, how she could elevate my mood by simply smiling at me, how she inspired me to become a better person.

 

I loved her curious and yet naive outlook on the world. She always reminded me of Bambi. Sweet, graceful and innocent. But she never liked that comparison as she thought it was inappropriate for a grown woman to be compared to Bambi. But I still teased her with it.

 

And yes, she was very beautiful. She looked like a slightly heavier version of Anne Hathaway. When we first met though, I had no idea how stunning she could look when she dressed to impress, not that she needed to. For all I cared, she could have worn that tatterd jeans and paint-stained sweater everyday and she would still have looked great to me. But I am not going to lie, I also enjoyed looking at her very much when she dressed up.

 

 

Stockalone,

 

you need to grief and you need to allow yourself to do so. This is not weakness, it's strength really. Those who can face their sorrow, grief and fear are the bravest among us.

 

Just one thing, though...grief for the girl you lost and for the past that is now "closed". But don't grief about the possibility of a future. It will bring you no closure.

 

There is not much to say, but let me add that I hope you'll be better in a while and that you can find strength and new hope from all of this.

 

((hugs))

 

You are right and I know there is no use in crying over a future that was merely a fantasy. But it is like the advice I gave you once.

 

Sometimes our heart is not as quick in letting go as our rational mind would like it to be. I'm hoping my heart will finally give in and let go of that fantasy.

 

I don't think I can read her letter before I can do this.

[ahah2322]

i'm so sorry to hear this stock. i don't know what kind of advice i can give. death is quite a scary thing and i haven't yet come to terms with it myself. i hope to someday. and i hope you will too, soon. please write back here for support. be well. i wish you strength in dealing with this situation. and i will pray for you, stock.

[Ssheena]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

I'm thinking she had awhile to think about her life and the people that meant something to her in her life before she died and that when you read the letter you will feel good (but sad).

 

I think people are having much better deaths now than they used to. Time to think, time to reflect. Maybe not having to die in a hospital hooked to machines but at home surrounded by those they love. Who knows.

 

I hope you can take comfort from the fact that you both would/can acknowledge you shared a great love.

 

Perhaps her father and mother are relieved that she is no longer suffering and while very, very sad, have had time to prepare for her loss.

 

Read the letter and give yourself the permission to grieve however you need to.

[sweet'n spicy]

It is really understandable that you would feel a deep loss about this. But kicking the mailbox and hurting your foot sounds a bit self punitive. I'm wondering if you blame yourself for the breakup, or you have some guilt (not necessarily warranted) about some aspect of the relationship? A few sessions with a grief counselor, or even a griief support group, might be helpful.

[sweet'n spicy]

Sorry about my last post. Was responding to your first post and had not read the last page. Seems like you had covered what I suggested and more already by the time I posted last night.

All the best!

[Stockalone]

I struggled for a while with an update, but finally decided that I could talk about the letter in general terms. I don't feel comfortable talking much about the thoughts she wrote down in that letter as they are very personal. Special thanks go to the LS member (you know who you are) whose support and perspective have been invaluable to me this last month.

 

I did read the letter shortly after my last post and reading the letter was hard but not in the way I had anticipated. As it turns out, both of us put the blame on ourselves and not so much on the other. Which is kind of sad, we could have saved each other lots of heartache.

 

It was also a very weird experience, being nothing more than a spectator, watching the story unfold from the sideline while I am also part of the story.

 

What I will say, though, is that both our thoughts about the relationship were positive and that means a lot to me. I am very grateful for the letter and for having been forgiven. On the other hand, I am deeply saddened that I didn't have the chance to clear some things up. She blamed herself and felt guilty about certain things, whereas I didn't blame her for those things at all.

 

What is left for me to do now, is restructure my life a bit. But I am confident that in time, I can make that transition. Everyday life went back to normal pretty soon but there is still uncertainty about aspects of my personal life. At the moment, I am unsure about some of the things that are going on in my life and don't know what they mean and where they will lead me. Time will tell.

 

Again, I would like to thank all of you who have posted and those who offered me a shoulder to cry on by simply listening to me and reading my posts.

[Ronni_W]

I did read the letter shortly after my last post and reading the letter was hard but not in the way I had anticipated.

Sending hugs, and angels to comfort you and angels to guide you in your new directions.

Ronni

[Trialbyfire]

More ((hugs)) stock. You'll find your way, in your own time. Don't pressure yourself.

[Stockalone]

I hope it is all right to post this in my old thread.

 

I have decided to leave LoveShack and even though I am only a stranger in the night, I didn’t want to slip away like one. This past year (especially the last few months) has seen me go through a lot of pain, but also joy and for a short period, even budding hope.

 

In nearly a year as a member on this site, I have learned some valuable lessons and also gained some insight into the mind of people who lead a life that is very different from my own. Such knowledge will serve me well.

 

Nonetheless, I believe that the right thing for me to do is to leave LoveShack. I just wanted to use this opportunity to say thank you to all the people who took the time to respond to my thread. I am very grateful for the support you have given me and I won’t forget it.

 

Farewell,

Stockalone

[Fun2BMe]

I hope it is all right to post this in my old thread.

 

I have decided to leave LoveShack and even though I am only a stranger in the night, I didn’t want to slip away like one. This past year (especially the last few months) has seen me go through a lot of pain, but also joy and for a short period, even budding hope.

 

In nearly a year as a member on this site, I have learned some valuable lessons and also gained some insight into the mind of people who lead a life that is very different from my own. Such knowledge will serve me well.

 

Nonetheless, I believe that the right thing for me to do is to leave LoveShack. I just wanted to use this opportunity to say thank you to all the people who took the time to respond to my thread. I am very grateful for the support you have given me and I won’t forget it.

 

Farewell,

Stockalone

 

 

Well, I don't think it's fair for you to open up and share such personal information about your life, get others to feel empathic and attached, only for you to end up abandoning everyone...but I still do wish you all the best.

[Stockalone]

Well, I don't think it's fair for you to open up and share such personal information about your life, get others to feel empathic and attached,

 

That is sweet of you to say. It made me smile. Thank you.

 

 

only for you to end up abandoning everyone...but I still do wish you all the best.

 

I didn't expect it to be seen that way, me opening up and then abandon ship. That wasn't my intention at all.

 

I believe that, in an apparent error of judgement, I have overstepped some boundaries while talking to another member here on LS.

 

If I can't trust my gut feeling, I believe that I should not be giving advice to other people at the moment. Maybe I should just refrain from posting for a while instead of leaving for good.