Whose ex has NOT contacted them?

[kizik]

Every day I read these posts...

 

"He called me! What should I do?"

"She keeps texting me, I can't get rid of her."

"He wants to make it work, but I'm not sure..."

 

And I get really pissed off and jealous. Why? B/c it goes to show that your exes still care. My ex has not initiated contact since the middle of May, after calling me for no real reason (prob. just wanting to assess my tone of voice). I'm still in disbelief that she can treat me so carelessly and then ignore me, as if I had been the perpetrator of harm, instead of her.

 

So my question is, who here on LS is like me, in that your ex has not shown you one iota of attention for a long-a$$ time? I can already think of a couple of you. My bigger question is, how are you dealing with it, and how does it make you feel?

 

Some posters say, "Hey man, be glad she hasn't called. It would only set you back." You know what, I don't give a sh*t. It would make me feel human, not some disposal boy-toy that's worth nothing once it's over. I'd like to think she doesn't contact out of respect for what I'm going through... but the more likely reason is that she does not care about me, has no remorse for how she verbally abused me, feels justified in her actions and thinks "I just wasn't right" or "good enough" for her.

[Peter_pan]

hey kizik, totally with you on this one.

 

the ex hasn't contacted me ever since march i think. i did phone her in feb but she was with this new guy so i let her know its to painful for me to be in contact but once ive moved on then who knows.

 

she tried txting me a few times after that (nothing worth txting back to though) so i didnt reply.

 

then i txt her in may and she dosnt bother replying. and i hear she has spoken to my best mate about me.

 

god. it makes me feel like **** tbh man

 

i guess hearing from her would set me back, but like you i am human to and have feelings.

 

i am dealing with it by just trying to move on really

[critter909]

I have had no real contact in a month. Stupid crap (texts, of course!), like picking up his mail and other nonsense. 3-4 weeks ago he called to see how I was doing, that was the only genuine contact. I feel like tearing out my insides everyday and have to force myself not to call, it doesn't seem right. I would like to know he gives a sh*t. The one "how are you" call a month ago felt good, validated my feelings, made me think that maybe I wasn't just a throw away.

[critter909]

Oh, how am I dealing with it? Just suffering and trying not to think about it. Don't have a choice. NC from my end, he said it was too "difficult" to talk to me and I said I wouldn't contact. And I'm trying to stick to my end of it. No real advice though, I think it's horrible that they don't seem to care.

[vivrantflo]

And I get really pissed off and jealous. Why? B/c it goes to show that your exes still care.

 

Love you Kizik, but gotta disagree with you there. Mine has contacted me continously over the span of 1.5 years, and it's questionable that she gives a flying F about how I feel. Check my story in the second chances forum and you'll see what I mean.

 

 

 

My ex has not initiated contact since the middle of May, after calling me for no real reason (prob. just wanting to assess my tone of voice). I'm still in disbelief that she can treat me so carelessly and then ignore me, as if I had been the perpetrator of harm, instead of her.

 

Well, it's easy for her to ignore you. Right? Why should she face what she did to you, when she knows she treated you like $hit under a shoe?? Since she's guilty of how she treated you, it's much easier to turn the tables around, to "justify" what they did/are doing.

 

 

 

Some posters say, "Hey man, be glad she hasn't called. It would only set you back."

 

I agree. If she was calling you with wishy washiness, playing with your emotions.. leading you on, and then sticking a knife in your heart, youd feel about 100 times worse right now. Trust me.

 

 

 

You know what, I don't give a sh*t. It would make me feel human, not some disposal boy-toy that's worth nothing once it's over. I'd like to think she doesn't contact out of respect for what I'm going through... but the more likely reason is that she does not care about me, has no remorse for how she verbally abused me, feels justified in her actions and thinks "I just wasn't right" or "good enough" for her.

 

I understand your viewpoint here. Maybe she doesn't care about you. Or perhaps, she is respecting your space... Either way, what is contact from her going to accomplish??

 

If she doesn't care about you, and calls you.. you'll sense that in her demeanor(sp?) over the phone.. the words she uses and her tone.. and it will PISS you off a lot more. Cause you'll be wondering, "why the F is she even calling me?" making you feel worse.

 

Or, she does admit that she treated you like garbage, but, it doesnt matter any more cause the relationship is tarnished and over.

 

Kizik, I envy those that don't hear from their exes.. at least you have closure. You have the closure that she was horrible to you, and that you deserve so much better. Chances are, she's not calling you out of guilt. She knows how she treated you, so really, what would she call you to say? She's probably scared that you'll verbally chew her head off (deservingly so!)

 

I envy all those that are undergoing NC, whether intiated or not. You're on the road to recovery, as some of us here are starting from day one all over again.

[orangehose]

Every day I read these posts...

 

"He called me! What should I do?"

"She keeps texting me, I can't get rid of her."

"He wants to make it work, but I'm not sure..."

 

And I get really pissed off and jealous. Why? B/c it goes to show that your exes still care. My ex has not initiated contact since the middle of May, after calling me for no real reason (prob. just wanting to assess my tone of voice). I'm still in disbelief that she can treat me so carelessly and then ignore me, as if I had been the perpetrator of harm, instead of her.

 

So my question is, who here on LS is like me, in that your ex has not shown you one iota of attention for a long-a$$ time? I can already think of a couple of you. My bigger question is, how are you dealing with it, and how does it make you feel?

 

Some posters say, "Hey man, be glad she hasn't called. It would only set you back." You know what, I don't give a sh*t. It would make me feel human, not some disposal boy-toy that's worth nothing once it's over. I'd like to think she doesn't contact out of respect for what I'm going through... but the more likely reason is that she does not care about me, has no remorse for how she verbally abused me, feels justified in her actions and thinks "I just wasn't right" or "good enough" for her.

 

Dude, I totally, TOTALLY, hear you. My ex hasn't contacted me since the moment he essentially dumped me, and it's been a couple of months. He didn't behave remotely nicely/maturely during or after the breakup (the 'after' I only know about because of a grapevine I had for a few weeks. I then had to cut off the grapevine because the information was disturbing me).

 

So I've had these episodes of 'how could he feel no remorse?' Intellectually I don't care to have him back, but it would be nice to receive a "sorry to cause you pain, I felt this had to happen" kind of email. But nope, nothing.

 

So anyway, about a week ago, after doing well for a couple of days, I had this one morning where I woke up and was like, "It's been X months and this guy hasn't contacted me! what the ****?! Did this person really walk out of my life, totally suddenly, without ever glancing back?" I almost felt in denial again.

 

But my friend said something the other day that was illuminating - that the ability to just walk away from a professed 'loved one' on the drop of a hat (and not in a nice way at that), when they haven't done anything wrong, and never glance back, and act crappy afterwards in various ways, is itself "pathological and kind of scary".

 

Over time, I've become grateful for the fact that he hasn't contacted me. Because then I can conclude without much ambivalence that he's not a good person. I have some friends who still talk a bit regretfully of exes they dumped who had treated them well. "If only I could find ANOTHER such guy", they say. Well, I don't have such an ex, and I'm kind of glad. I have my moments of wistfulness, but logically, I can only be grateful that my R didn't last.

[kizik]

Why should she face what she did to you, when she knows she treated you like $hit under a shoe?? Since she's guilty of how she treated you, it's much easier to turn the tables around, to "justify" what they did/are doing....

 

Chances are, she's not calling you out of guilt. She knows how she treated you...She's probably scared that you'll verbally chew her head off (deservingly so!)

 

Flo, I wish I knew that she did feel guilty. My gut tells me that she is in denial about her awful-ness to me, though. There is no way of knowing. Anyway, I have resolved to not respond to anything if she ever does try to contact me, and she may somehow know this in her gut, too...

 

Maybe she doesn't care about you.

 

That's the tough love I need to hear. It's true, she may not. I'm sure memories still float around her pretty little head, though. So that's nice to know. Psychologically, I cannot be cast off so easily!

 

I envy all those that are undergoing NC.

 

This is the kind of 'opposite' perspective that I needed to hear, too. In many ways, grass can be greener, regardless of the situation. Thanks for the response, flo, and y'all others too.

[kizik]

He didn't behave remotely nicely/maturely during or after the breakup.

 

I do hold my head high for not being vindictive or petty. Though she doesn't deserve it, I've been respectful of her even in conversations with close friends. LS, however, has gotten the brunt of my anger.

 

My friend said something the other day that was illuminating - that the ability to just walk away from a professed 'loved one' when they haven't done anything wrong... is itself "pathological and kind of scary".

 

Wow. This one hit me deep. Your friend is right, it's pretty inhumane, a harbinger of the life we would have had with them.

 

I have some friends who still talk a bit regretfully of exes they dumped who had treated them well.

 

This will be her some years down the road, but right now, she's hilariously immature, while showing the world how mature she supposedly is. She's a teacher and 25, acts all grown-up. I know the real her, though, and she's a BITCH. She undoubtedly has no regrets, because she's as stubborn as the father that didn't really ever like me, because of my lack of career accomplishments. Which is why I know she'll end up with some as*hole doctor or lawyer. More to please her parents than anything.

 

Thanks for your response, orange.

[Nevermind]

Mine.

 

He kicked me to the curb as soon as all hope was gone that I would serve as his ego boost any longer.

 

I should thank him for that. Not kidding.

 

[Zapbasket]

My ex broke up with me in December '06, wrote me a very ugly e-mail in February '07 telling me to get lost (I was calling and e-mailing periodically begging for us to at least talk things over), and never contacted me since. I contacted him once, in September, and he was basically affable but made it clear he didn't intend to see or talk to me for a long time, if ever. It's now 10 months later and...nothing. We have no mutual friends so there's not even 'indirect' contact.

 

One of the biggest challenges I had in dealing with this breakup is the way he ended it, so coldly, so definitively, with no discussion (he was very uncommunicative during the relationship and it carried over into how he ended it). I thought he was just so mad that it was all he could think to do at the time, and that eventually he'd come around to contacting me. But in all this time...nothing. Having to face the very real possibility that I'll never hear from him nor see him again, and what he must think of me (i.e., absolutely NOTHING) to so utterly sever all ties, really bashed in my self-esteem.

 

I held on to hope for a long time. A part of me still hopes that he will contact me, though at the rate things are going, by the time he does, I'll be so moved on that it will be a non-event whether he does or doesn't. Of course IF he calls, it will mean a lot, as I will always care for him as someone who shared 5 years of my life with me at a time when 5 years was 1/6 of my whole life. It would also feel good at any point in my life to have this evidence that I was significant to him. But, again, enough time has passed for me to be confident that no matter whether I hear from him or not, I will be okay.

[northstar1]

Every day I read these posts...

 

"He called me! What should I do?"

"She keeps texting me, I can't get rid of her."

"He wants to make it work, but I'm not sure..."

 

And I get really pissed off and jealous. Why? B/c it goes to show that your exes still care. My ex has not initiated contact since the middle of May, after calling me for no real reason (prob. just wanting to assess my tone of voice). I'm still in disbelief that she can treat me so carelessly and then ignore me, as if I had been the perpetrator of harm, instead of her.

 

So my question is, who here on LS is like me, in that your ex has not shown you one iota of attention for a long-a$$ time? I can already think of a couple of you. My bigger question is, how are you dealing with it, and how does it make you feel?

 

Some posters say, "Hey man, be glad she hasn't called. It would only set you back." You know what, I don't give a sh*t. It would make me feel human, not some disposal boy-toy that's worth nothing once it's over. I'd like to think she doesn't contact out of respect for what I'm going through... but the more likely reason is that she does not care about me, has no remorse for how she verbally abused me, feels justified in her actions and thinks "I just wasn't right" or "good enough" for her.

 

Well, you know my story dude. With her, it's more likely out of sight out of mind more than anything.

[motive2002]

Hi kizik

 

My ex hasn't contacted me at all in 3 months. No e-mail. No phone call to see how I'm doing. I could have won the lottery and be flying to Italy right now on my own personal Lear jet (hehe I wish!) and she would never know.

 

Extreme NC, like I mentioned in the other thread. It sucks ass for now, but it will be ok in the long run. I'll be ok. I wasn't the one patronizing, ridiculing, psycho-analyzing and undermining her. She was so horrible to me the last time we talked. I have to remember that above all. She isn't worth a squirt of piss.

 

Dunno if that helps, but yeah, I know exactly where you're coming from.

[whateverwillbe]

Mine.

 

He kicked me to the curb as soon as all hope was gone that I would serve as his ego boost any longer.

 

I should thank him for that. Not kidding.

 

 

But how do you deal with it? I have no closure. Yeah, NC is a sign of closure, but is it circumstances that causes him to throw me away or did he care so little for me and I no longer was satisfying his ego boost?

 

I can't say what I am talking about, but my friend has gone NC with me and it just plain hurts. I can't stop crying. Why couldn't he just say good-bye? I know he doesn't want to be part of my life anymore, but to just disappear..... I would have been able to handle him telling me to f-off, better than silence.

 

NC from someone you care deeply about, well it just sucks.

[northstar1]

Hi kizik

 

My ex hasn't contacted me at all in 3 months. No e-mail. No phone call to see how I'm doing. I could have won the lottery and be flying to Italy right now on my own personal Lear jet (hehe I wish!) and she would never know.

 

Extreme NC, like I mentioned in the other thread. It sucks ass for now, but it will be ok in the long run. I'll be ok. I wasn't the one patronizing, ridiculing, psycho-analyzing and undermining her. She was so horrible to me the last time we talked. I have to remember that above all. She isn't worth a squirt of piss.

 

Dunno if that helps, but yeah, I know exactly where you're coming from.

 

I'm right there with you.

[ianandris]

Yep. Mine's been silent, too. Thing is, I kinda don't care anymore. We're coming up on a month since last contact (this Sunday), and, while I still think about her sometimes, it is, in my mind, a closed book. I haven't been unfortunate enough to run into her yet, but I don't think it would make a difference if I did. She's a part of my past. It was fun. It sucked when it ended, but I'm onto the next chapter (next chapter being "Ian Focuses on School and Developing Even More Attractive Qualities"). She doesn't care about me but, honestly, it doesn't matter that much to me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I don't appreciate her treatment, but all that says to me is that she isn't the kind of person I want in my life anyway, even as a friend. The kind of friends I want say what they mean, and mean what they say. "I still consider you my best friend." and "I need you as a friend." followed by a month of silence is bullsh**t, and I'm not interested in being friends with someone capable of that level of duplicity. Maybe, later on, if she grows up some, I'll consider it. But at this point, even if she did come knocking, I'd probably just patronize her, keep her at length, get my stuff back, and dismiss her summarily.

[northstar1]

Yep. Mine's been silent, too. Thing is, I kinda don't care anymore. We're coming up on a month since last contact (this Sunday), and, while I still think about her sometimes, it is, in my mind, a closed book. I haven't been unfortunate enough to run into her yet, but I don't think it would make a difference if I did. She's a part of my past. It was fun. It sucked when it ended, but I'm onto the next chapter (next chapter being "Ian Focuses on School and Developing Even More Attractive Qualities"). She doesn't care about me but, honestly, it doesn't matter that much to me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I don't appreciate her treatment, but all that says to me is that she isn't the kind of person I want in my life anyway, even as a friend. The kind of friends I want say what they mean, and mean what they say. "I still consider you my best friend." and "I need you as a friend." followed by a month of silence is bullsh**t, and I'm not interested in being friends with someone capable of that level of duplicity. Maybe, later on, if she grows up some, I'll consider it. But at this point, even if she did come knocking, I'd probably just patronize her, keep her at length, get my stuff back, and dismiss her summarily.

 

Good for you! You have reached a great stage.

[tealeafbud]

Some posters say, "Hey man, be glad she hasn't called. It would only set you back." You know what, I don't give a sh*t. It would make me feel human, not some disposal boy-toy that's worth nothing once it's over.

 

I'm with those "other posters". I haven't been on LS lately, but have been in contact with my ex and although it's been nice talking with her, it's brutal in some complex and indescribable way. Why is it complex? Because she's living with some guy and still contacting me. She's supposedly in love with someone else, but still has feelings for me.

 

I'm not seeing anyone, so she's basically a cure for part of my loneliness. I also get some satisfaction from knowing deep down that the relationship is doomed because of their trust issues. It's a pretty costly price to pay because I find myself retaining some old feelings I once had, but I know I shouldn't.

 

So to sum up, be glad dude. it's not as nice as it may be cracked up to be.

[whateverwillbe]

Don't get me wrong, I don't appreciate her treatment, but all that says to me is that she isn't the kind of person I want in my life anyway, even as a friend. The kind of friends I want say what they mean, and mean what they say.

 

This rings so true. My problem is that I never realized I was so insane. I on the one hand keep saying this very thing, while on the other hand wanting to tell him to f***off, but loving him too much to send such words to him.

 

I am having to be NC against my will. But maybe NC from me, because he is being NC, is better than sending the hateful, hurt letter I wrote, but can't hit the send button.

[stlnsmile]

Well lets see, I think Green Cove is the only one who has more NC time than me. I am at seven months. But even Green Cove had her nasty contact in Feb....me, nada, zero, zilch since Dec. 20, 07. Now though, I am happy that is the case. Nothing to worry about, nothing to distract me from my goal, nothing to hurt me. I don't care anymore. Still waitin on that charma train though. If I ever get over wanting that, then I know I'll be 100% over it:)

[northstar1]

Well lets see, I think Green Cove is the only one who has more NC time than me. I am at seven months. But even Green Cove had her nasty contact in Feb....me, nada, zero, zilch since Dec. 20, 07. Now though, I am happy that is the case. Nothing to worry about, nothing to distract me from my goal, nothing to hurt me. I don't care anymore. Still waitin on that charma train though. If I ever get over wanting that, then I know I'll be 100% over it:)

 

Hell ya, it'll come.

[replicator]

Kizik, mine only contacted me once without me initiating the contact (email, voice message, etc).

 

Now that I found out she had someone else waiting in the wings, I can see why. I think they initiate contact when they are lonely - meaning they are not in a relationship. If my ex wasn't in a relationship, I know there is no way in hell she would be so strong. Everything now makes sense.

[miss_28]

not a peep... but that says a lot, considering that he's a pretty obsessive guy, and i know he cared...

 

it kills, but i'm glad cuz i have no idea what to say and cuz i'm not ready to talk... besides, i clearly told him to leave me alone... which is probably a lot harder for him that he thought. Anyways, i'm 100% sure he wants me to call him... to let him know that dumping me was ok... that he's still on my mind. but that ain't gonna happen. and its not pride... i just can't do it.

 

but kizik... didn't one of your exes from 5 years ago call you out of the blue? I don't believe in false hope, but you can't infer too much from silence.

[stlnsmile]

I'm with those "other posters". I haven't been on LS lately, but have been in contact with my ex and although it's been nice talking with her, it's brutal in some complex and indescribable way. Why is it complex? Because she's living with some guy and still contacting me. She's supposedly in love with someone else, but still has feelings for me.

 

I'm not seeing anyone, so she's basically a cure for part of my loneliness. I also get some satisfaction from knowing deep down that the relationship is doomed because of their trust issues. It's a pretty costly price to pay because I find myself retaining some old feelings I once had, but I know I shouldn't.

 

So to sum up, be glad dude. it's not as nice as it may be cracked up to be.

 

Okay tealeaf this gives my heart a little sparkle, not because you are in pain of course, but because it lets the rest of us know, who's ex's moved on soooo quickly, that they CAN still think about you, even when they are "In Love" with someone else. Not that it matters in my case, cause to me he's all used up. But I think its funny that your ex is basically emotionally cheeting on the new guy with you right now(sort of)....cause if she still has feelings for you then she's not 100% his. I mean how would her new SO feel if he knew she was talking to you??????? You should tell him:) Okay thats mean.......doesn't it just show you her ability to be faithful to anyone????? You are better off tealeaf:)

[kizik]

If my ex wasn't in a relationship, I know there is no way in hell she would be so strong. Everything now makes sense.

 

Sh*t. Makes me think mine is in a new one too, since she aint calling. But there is nothing I can do about that, and I don't want confirmation anyway. Best to stay in the dark and expect the worst.

[kizik]

but kizik... didn't one of your exes from 5 years ago call you out of the blue? I don't believe in false hope, but you can't infer too much from silence.

 

She was actually responding to an email I had written, after I ran into her downtown. So, it wasn't first contact from her. Anyway, after I responded she went and hid and ignored my response, like the bad friend she is.

 

Great point you make, highlighted.

 

Thank you so much everyone for your responses and encouragement.