Whose ex has NOT contacted them?

[stolenheart123]

I havent heard from my ex, its been over a month and a half. Some days I wish she would contact me to at least say sorry, but I know in my heart she will never do that. So as a result I continue to move on and heal everyday. I spent 6 years with this woman, only to realize I never knew her at all. Some days its really difficult to believe that she could walk away so easily and never return. But some days I know in my heart I walked away and will never return. She had a daughter before I met her, and thats the hardest part, is knowing she took away my bond with her daughter. She was three at the time, and her father is no where in the picture, shes now 9 and I know that little girl loves me. I miss her the most

 

Sometimes it really hurts knowing she hasnt contacted me, other times I wonder what I would really say to her. Maybe some things are better left unsaid.

[critter909]

Charlotte- I agree. My ex has a lot of problems that he needs to work out (he's an alcoholic) so the R did not end necessarily because of some personal hatred between us. We are pretty much NC, his choice, but I don't see why. I would not try to force him back into an R or anything like that, maybe guilt on his part? He did a lot of ugly things before he finally left, and I'm sure has done plenty since then. For me the NC is hard, it's cold, he is someone I love and not just romantically and I don't see why it needs to be this way.

[LikeCharlotte]

Charlotte- I agree. My ex has a lot of problems that he needs to work out (he's an alcoholic) so the R did not end necessarily because of some personal hatred between us. We are pretty much NC, his choice, but I don't see why. I would not try to force him back into an R or anything like that, maybe guilt on his part?

I've thought about it so much that it hurts to even bother at this point. I just wanted to know why it had to be this way at the very least. The sad part is that he doesn't know why and he won't even try to look at it or how he feels to know why. He doesn't even know and so I never will. I accept it but I am damn sure not happy about it. It could have been so nice and easy and he's made it so hard.

 

He did a lot of ugly things before he finally left, and I'm sure has done plenty since then. For me the NC is hard, it's cold, he is someone I love and not just romantically and I don't see why it needs to be this way.

Same here. I'm not angry or upset about anything from before. I wanted to remember it fondly and now I can't. He is not the person I thought I loved and I feel like a fool for thinking we could both just move past it and be whatever we would be. I wanted something nice because we both cared and I got coldness for absolutely no reason. The only thing I can come up with to resolve it its that he never cared about me for who I am and that he just wanted a girlfriend/potential wife or someone to screw. All his pretense of getting to know me was just to use me for whatever he needed and toss me when it wasn't what he thought things "should be". I don't dwell on what he thinks or if we can be even friends/casual friends anymore. At this point all I want is to not feel used.

[critter909]

Same here. I'm not angry or upset about anything from before. I wanted to remember it fondly and now I can't. He is not the person I thought I loved and I feel like a fool for thinking we could both just move past it and be whatever we would be. I wanted something nice because we both cared and I got coldness for absolutely no reason. The only thing I can come up with to resolve it its that he never cared about me

 

I feel like I don't even know this person, who he has become. I know he cared, but now? WTF. I don't know. I guess NC is better than BC- Bad Contact LOL

[orangehose]

 

Those are very nice and valid quotes but you are assuming that everyone who wanted contact is somehow not tranquil or at peace with the relationship ending or is somehow unable to move past the romantic relationship. I'm sorry but i tend to think the opposite is true. I think that people who think their exes are never to be spoken to again just because the romantic relationship didn't work out are kind of narrow and unable to move past it in a healthy way (in some cases not all).

 

Very good / interesting point - in some ways a dumper being able to engage in some friendly, civil contact could be more indicative of being 'over' things than complete avoidance.

[orangehose]

I wanted to remember it fondly and now I can't. He is not the person I thought I loved

 

Yeah, my final conclusion on my ex is that he is a ******bag. If he had broken up with me in a civil manner and shown some basic decency afterwards, even if we weren't friends, well then I'd have a harder time dismissing him so easily. As it goes now, each day he doesn't contact me is further proof of his bad character. And you know what? In a weird way, I'm grateful that he's been so crappy, because I intellectually can only feel lucky to have dodged a bullet.

[kyta]

To learn, to grow... to become a better person? Maybe? It's not worrying to contemplate and be introspective. You don't like your ex, it is different for people who felt that their loves were also friends to be discarded as garbage.

Need and want are two different things. You can't say that what is true for you is true for everyone. I'm sorry but personally I never sought validation from my ex post break up. I just wanted to be treated like a human being.

 

Again, its not holding on for everyone, some of us just wanted to move forward into an amicable relationship that wasn't cold and cruel unnecessarily.

 

Those are very nice and valid quotes but you are assuming that everyone who wanted contact is somehow not tranquil or at peace with the relationship ending or is somehow unable to move past the romantic relationship. I'm sorry but i tend to think the opposite is true. I think that people who think their exes are never to be spoken to again just because the romantic relationship didn't work out are kind of narrow and unable to move past it in a healthy way (in some cases not all).

 

I dont assume anything, how could i? i feel what i feel, it is who i am, and what you feel about yourself is what you are, life is life we all live it and its diffrent to all of us, i caught my x in bed with some guy, it hurt me yes, but what can i do about it? its happened, evryone on here is feeling pain, we all want something now, some want a tx, a call, a email, any contact at all, i learnt 10 yrs ago when my x wife fo 13 yrs cheated on me, it devastated me it ripped my heart out and my 2 kids, but i healed from it, i learnt as i healed, and one thing i have realized is holding on in what everway just prolongs the pain, what ever each one of us wants is not really important at all, if we all got what we wanted from our x's would it change what they did to us? would it change history? im not a cold person at all, i love, i feel, i hurt, i bleed red blood, i think, im human, but i want to live and enjoy life, that is all we have in this world is our life, we grow and learn everyday, (unless your a couch patato and watch jerry springer all day) this is just another time in our lives that we must deal and learn from, and each must deal with it there own way, me im dealing with it the only way i see it, whats done is done, i canot change it, and im wouldnt want to, its part of my life, its another experience a lesson to learn from, nothing i hear from her will change anything and i can wallow in pain, or i can move forward in my life, a new chance a new road to walk and walk it i will as we all must, but its how long it will take some of us to walk.

But i dont assume anything in life, face it, live it, we try to shut out the pain, but we shouldnt we should face it, feel it, live it, embrace it, but dont hide from it.

[inulg]

I don't appreciate her treatment, but all that says to me is that she isn't the kind of person I want in my life anyway, even as a friend. The kind of friends I want say what they mean, and mean what they say. "I still consider you my best friend." and "I need you as a friend." followed by a month of silence is bullsh**t, and I'm not interested in being friends with someone capable of that level of duplicity. Maybe, later on, if she grows up some, I'll consider it. But at this point, even if she did come knocking, I'd probably just patronize her, keep her at length, get my stuff back, and dismiss her summarily.

 

yes! i agree!! i think these are the type of people in our life that we do not need and the fact that they left kinda goes to show you what kind of people they really were...

[ate_the_paint]

charlotte, kizik, ianandris, vflo...always a treat to read your posts!

 

My ex was calling lots and confusing the heck out of me for two months after she cheated and left me, but then I put my foot down, told her I don't want anything to do with her, and she hasn't contacted me once since then. Of course that was only a couple of weeks ago so we'll see how it goes.

 

But she went crazy over the past year so who knows.

[foxh1234]

Yep. Mine's been silent, too. Thing is, I kinda don't care anymore. We're coming up on a month since last contact (this Sunday), and, while I still think about her sometimes, it is, in my mind, a closed book. I haven't been unfortunate enough to run into her yet, but I don't think it would make a difference if I did. She's a part of my past. It was fun. It sucked when it ended, but I'm onto the next chapter (next chapter being "Ian Focuses on School and Developing Even More Attractive Qualities"). She doesn't care about me but, honestly, it doesn't matter that much to me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I don't appreciate her treatment, but all that says to me is that she isn't the kind of person I want in my life anyway, even as a friend. The kind of friends I want say what they mean, and mean what they say. "I still consider you my best friend." and "I need you as a friend." followed by a month of silence is bullsh**t, and I'm not interested in being friends with someone capable of that level of duplicity. Maybe, later on, if she grows up some, I'll consider it. But at this point, even if she did come knocking, I'd probably just patronize her, keep her at length, get my stuff back, and dismiss her summarily.

 

I agree with the friends thing. It has been almost a month for me with NC and my ex will probably never contact me. I will sure as hell never contact her. She said the same things- your my best friend, bulls**t like that, but actions tell me something else. At this point, no friends, no lovers, no contact, moving on with my life. Kiz and the rest, continue doing the same.

[ioncebelieved]

I agree with the friends thing. It has been almost a month for me with NC and my ex will probably never contact me. I will sure as hell never contact her. She said the same things- your my best friend, bulls**t like that, but actions tell me something else. At this point, no friends, no lovers, no contact, moving on with my life. Kiz and the rest, continue doing the same.

 

OH MAN, I heard the same best friend thing and you are dead on on about actions instead of words. When you really think that is your best friend that adds to the horrible experience. Not only did I feel that I lost my lover, but my best friend!!! It is almost like lsoing two things instead of one!!

[serendip]

I don't quite understand some of the opinions here.

 

On LS...we tell almost everyone to go NC(it's our only defense) in order to heal but when our ex's are doing the same thing...the comments on this thread are hypocritical or contrary to what we preach

 

There's a lot of negative comments b/c the ex's is doing NC.

 

Myself I'm doing it b/c I really need to heal and move on there is no other option...whatever relationship I had with my ex is destroyed due to infidelity on her part. I have ignored my ex twice(last week being the latest time) not b/c I get a thrill of making her feel bad...b/c I need to move on and I don't want to feel the pain anymore.

[LikeCharlotte]

I don't quite understand some of the opinions here.

 

On LS...we tell almost everyone to go NC(it's our only defense) in order to heal but when our ex's are doing the same thing...the comments on this thread are hypocritical or contrary to what we preach

 

There's a lot of negative comments b/c the ex's is doing NC.

 

Myself I'm doing it b/c I really need to heal and move on there is no other option...whatever relationship I had with my ex is destroyed due to infidelity on her part. I have ignored my ex twice(last week being the latest time) not b/c I get a thrill of making her feel bad...b/c I need to move on and I don't want to feel the pain anymore.

I don't preach or even advocate NC. I honestly think taking some time to heal is fine - if its appropriate - and that NC is good for some instances but it is not a cure all. In a lot of cases I see it as a struggle for power and I couldn't care less about power. When you are not with someone all bets are off. We all have power and we don't have to claim it or take it, we simply have it. It may feel like its been taken or feel like we are powerless at times but that isn't true at all. NC is a tool and like any other tool it can be used lots of ways but you don't need to use it just because others do.

[ate_the_paint]

I don't preach or even advocate NC. I honestly think taking some time to heal is fine - if its appropriate - and that NC is good for some instances but it is not a cure all. In a lot of cases I see it as a struggle for power and I couldn't care less about power. When you are not with someone all bets are off. We all have power and we don't have to claim it or take it, we simply have it. It may feel like its been taken or feel like we are powerless at times but that isn't true at all. NC is a tool and like any other tool it can be used lots of ways but you don't need to use it just because others do.

 

This is a good point when you think about it. I guess it all depends on your motivations: if you use NC to heal it is a good tool. If you use it as part of some power-play or grand strategy then it is completely useless.

[kizik]

If you use it as part of some power-play or grand strategy then it is completely useless.

 

I think I'm not alone when I say that NC has long been the only option for a variety of reasons, but none of them being that I'm playing the "who can wait the longest to call" game.

 

That game doesn't exist for she and I anymore - maybe it did in the first week afterwards or something - but now I have fully accepted the fact that she will not call. Plus, if she did I know that I would not answer. I fantasize about that sometimes, and how good that would feel... but my gut tells me she's very busy, over me, with another guy, or all of the above... and has no interest in calling and prob. is realizing the extent of my anger after I sent her back some books with a short, blunt note.

 

Anyway, people who still hope they call obviously plan on answering the phone... I don't anymore, and so those little hopes have basically become moot.

[serendip]

I don't preach or even advocate NC. I honestly think taking some time to heal is fine - if its appropriate - and that NC is good for some instances but it is not a cure all. In a lot of cases I see it as a struggle for power and I couldn't care less about power. When you are not with someone all bets are off. We all have power and we don't have to claim it or take it, we simply have it. It may feel like its been taken or feel like we are powerless at times but that isn't true at all. NC is a tool and like any other tool it can be used lots of ways but you don't need to use it just because others do.

 

 

I think NC is a needed to heal...especially if you still feelings for the ex. It's not about power at all...people who use NC to play games...will never heal that way...b/c in the end it's a game.

 

Maybe your ex needs to heal but you see it as an attack on your self-esteem or self worth....that you are so easy to dismiss.

 

Why do you need his acknowledgement?

[kizik]

On LS...we tell almost everyone to go NC in order to heal, but when our ex's are doing the same thing...

 

This is actually a really good point. I think the difference is that we know why we're doing it, but we will never know what they are thinking and therefore we assume it's a sleight on us, disrespectful, etc. There is a tendency to assume the ex's life is peachy keen, but I would venture that they go through their hard days too, even if they're with someone new. I just don't think my ex is "tempted" to call me is all... more like she's relieved to finally get rid of me.

[ioncebelieved]

This is actually a really good point. I think the difference is that we know why we're doing it, but we will never know what they are thinking and therefore we assume it's a sleight on us, disrespectful, etc. There is a tendency to assume the ex's life is peachy keen, but I would venture that they go through their hard days too, even if they're with someone new. I just don't think my ex is "tempted" to call me is all... more like she's relieved to finally get rid of me.

 

 

Very true!! Especially deep down inside if you know what you had and it seemed that good to you. They have to be hurting some. I am not talking about people that dumped you because of T-total mistreatment, I am talking about people that just made pretty much crappy decisions in general.

 

That question has haunted me for a long time, but I feel better knowing that she knows what she lost and in time it will catch up with her. Not to mention she has to be thinking about how good things were. It makes me feel quite better when I get bad thoughts out and know she thinks of me.

[foxh1234]

I think NC is a needed to heal...especially if you still feelings for the ex. It's not about power at all...people who use NC to play games...will never heal that way...b/c in the end it's a game.

 

Maybe your ex needs to heal but you see it as an attack on your self-esteem or self worth....that you are so easy to dismiss.

 

Why do you need his acknowledgement?

 

This is it. I want to heal and seeing her and talking prevents that. I am not playing games. We are done and never seeing her again is a good thing.

[LikeCharlotte]

I don't assume anything, how could i? i feel what i feel, it is who i am, and what you feel about yourself is what you are, life is life we all live it and its different to all of us, i caught my x in bed with some guy, it hurt me yes, but what can I do about it?

Nothing can be done. I wouldn't talk to her either! Your previous statements were a little broad and I wanted to point out that your situation is unique and that in many of our situations we hope/ed for contact not because we wanted validation or even the ex back, but simply because we had a friend and didn't want to lose them or we hoped to turn a loss into a gain. I wasn't attacking you. I hope you understand.

its happened, everyone on here is feeling pain, we all want something now, some want a tx, a call, a email, any contact at all,

I wouldn't say that we all do. I no loger want contact because any contact I have has been with a cold a** and not the guy I wanted to know anyway. No loss now.

i learned 10 yrs ago when my x wife fo 13 yrs cheated on me, it devastated me it ripped my heart out and my 2 kids, but i healed from it, i learned as i healed, and one thing i have realized is holding on in what ever way just prolongs the pain, what ever each one of us wants is not really important at all, if we all got what we wanted from our x's would it change what they did to us? would it change history?

Mine didn't really do anything to me until after and I'm not even sure it is with intent. He has done for himself and although he has been narrow and cold post breakup I can't really be mad at him for much other than his rudeness. I never did anything to him either. Unless you count being nice, lol.

im not a cold person at all, i love, i feel, i hurt, i bleed red blood, i think, im human, but i want to live and enjoy life, that is all we have in this world is our life, we grow and learn everyday, (unless your a couch patato and watch jerry springer all day) this is just another time in our lives that we must deal and learn from, and each must deal with it there own way, me im dealing with it the only way i see it, whats done is done, i canot change it, and im wouldnt want to, its part of my life, its another experience a lesson to learn from, nothing i hear from her will change anything and i can wallow in pain, or i can move forward in my life, a new chance a new road to walk and walk it i will as we all must, but its how long it will take some of us to walk.

But i dont assume anything in life, face it, live it, we try to shut out the pain, but we shouldnt we should face it, feel it, live it, embrace it, but dont hide from it.

I can see that you understand your feelings. Again I didn't mean to criticize I just wanted to remind you that when you say "us" you mean people that have had a similar experience to yours. I admire empathy.

[LikeCharlotte]

I think NC is a needed to heal...especially if you still feelings for the ex. It's not about power at all...people who use NC to play games...will never heal that way...b/c in the end it's a game.

 

Maybe your ex needs to heal but you see it as an attack on your self-esteem or self worth....that you are so easy to dismiss.

 

Why do you need his acknowledgement?

I don't. He could just say "Hey Charlotte, I just need some time to heal, okay?" I'd understand that.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't. He could just say "Hey Charlotte, I just need some time to heal, okay?" I'd understand that.

You're still trying to control what he does.

[LikeCharlotte]

You're still trying to control what he does.

I don't care anymore. I'm talking about months ago when he claimed to want to be my friend. Ugh... don't assume.

[LikeCharlotte]

I think NC is a needed to heal...especially if you still feelings for the ex. It's not about power at all...people who use NC to play games...will never heal that way...b/c in the end it's a game.

I forgot to add that I agree with you about NC for healing (for some) but there are many people who don't use it that way! I already said that previous to your post. i also never said that I assumed anything about why my ex does anything. I don't. It would have been nice to know for sure but I no longer care because of how I see him now. It could have all been so much simpler and more amicable. I'm easy to talk to and very forgiving. We were in contact a bit and he claims to be a friend. Instead of making himself clear he just acted like a jerk to me. I don't have to like the way he acted just like he doesn't have to give me reasons for his actions. It just could have been a nicer interaction overall.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't care anymore. I'm talking about months ago when he claimed to want to be my friend. Ugh... don't assume.

Each person heals the way they need to heal. Saying you want to be friends, can be a way to avoid drama. Also, people feel that in order to be mature, you have to be friends with your ex. That's a crock! Heal first, then consider friendship.

 

Charlotte, you can't expect that someone else will handle things the way you do, especially in a highly emotionally volatile situation like a break up. They'll be riding the emotional rollercoaster, just like you, where they won't be consistent. They're not thinking about what's good for you or the deceased relationship. It's all about them, which you can't fault them on.