Whose ex has NOT contacted them?

[LikeCharlotte]

Each person heals the way they need to heal. Saying you want to be friends, can be a way to avoid drama. Also, people feel that in order to be mature, you have to be friends with your ex. That's a crock! Heal first, then consider friendship.

 

Charlotte, you can't expect that someone else will handle things the way you do, especially in a highly emotionally volatile situation like a break up. They'll be riding the emotional rollercoaster, just like you, where they won't be consistent. They're not thinking about what's good for you or the deceased relationship. It's all about them, which you can't fault them on.

I don't assume anything like that. I also fully understand that people heal differently. I don't think it is all that difficult to simply be nice but I also understand that it can be for some.

 

I never said you have to befriend your ex. It's a choice. He said that was his choice. His actions were contradictory. I'm not dramatic, he never was forced to say that we would be friends. Moreover he could change his mind, no problem. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect other people (exes or not) to just be nice to others and clear about their position.

 

I get it but I don't have to like it. Also, I don't assume he is/was feeling anything. I have no idea. It could have been much easier. That is all I am saying. I don't pity him or need to empathize with his feelings either, especially after I was hurt. Yet I managed to find it within myself to be respectful and try to understand. Let me also point out that I was over it/him much faster than I'd expected so I know (now) that he may not have been regardless of his claims.

[serendip]

I don't assume anything like that. I also fully understand that people heal differently. I don't think it is all that difficult to simply be nice but I also understand that it can be for some.

 

I never said you have to befriend your ex. It's a choice. He said that was his choice. His actions were contradictory. I'm not dramatic, he never was forced to say that we would be friends. Moreover he could change his mind, no problem. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect other people (exes or not) to just be nice to others and clear about their position.

 

I get it but I don't have to like it. Also, I don't assume he is/was feeling anything. I have no idea. It could have been much easier. That is all I am saying. I don't pity him or need to empathize with his feelings either, especially after I was hurt. Yet I managed to find it within myself to be respectful and try to understand. Let me also point out that I was over it/him much faster than I'd expected so I know (now) that he may not have been regardless of his claims.

 

Clearly you are not completely over your ex. It's alright...it takes time...him being cold to you just added to the hurt.

[LikeCharlotte]

Clearly you are not completely over your ex. It's alright...it takes time...him being cold to you just added to the hurt.

The last part about the hurt is absolutely true but believe me I'm over him. I have other interests (very much) on my mind and have for awhile now. I wouldn't take him back if you paid me and I have felt that way since a few days after the break up. It took some time to deal with the residual fallout but that is all over now. I know how I feel. I only talk about it to illustrate my points. I can use other exes or friends situations if it will help illustrate without confusion.

[tealeafbud]

I can vouche for Charlotte.

 

She is definitely over me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

ummmm, I mean, him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

haha just kidding.. Seriously, she's over the guy. She just has some questions that he hasn't shown interest in answering. Trust me, she's over the guy. Like in a huge gigantic way.

[LikeCharlotte]

I can vouche for Charlotte.

 

She is definitely over me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

ummmm, I mean, him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

haha just kidding.. Seriously, she's over the guy. She just has some questions that he hasn't shown interest in answering. Trust me, she's over the guy. Like in a huge gigantic way.

TLB, I still love you, I'm just not in love with you. *sigh* Whatever that means... hahaha. <3 Now let's get me some of that London sugar!!!

Heeeey, this is contact... oooohhh nnnoooes!

[tealeafbud]

TLB, I still love you, I'm just not in love with you. *sigh* Whatever that means... hahaha. <3 Now let's get me some of that London sugar!!!

Heeeey, this is contact... oooohhh nnnoooes!

 

 

Great Charlotte, now we have to Reset the NC counter.

 

Nice going. <sigh>

[kyta]

Nothing can be done. I wouldn't talk to her either! Your previous statements were a little broad and I wanted to point out that your situation is unique and that in many of our situations we hope/ed for contact not because we wanted validation or even the ex back, but simply because we had a friend and didn't want to lose them or we hoped to turn a loss into a gain. I wasn't attacking you. I hope you understand.

I wouldn't say that we all do. I no loger want contact because any contact I have has been with a cold a** and not the guy I wanted to know anyway. No loss now.

Mine didn't really do anything to me until after and I'm not even sure it is with intent. He has done for himself and although he has been narrow and cold post breakup I can't really be mad at him for much other than his rudeness. I never did anything to him either. Unless you count being nice, lol.

I can see that you understand your feelings. Again I didn't mean to criticize I just wanted to remind you that when you say "us" you mean people that have had a similar experience to yours. I admire empathy.

 

I didnt see you reply as anything other than ur opinion and not an attact, im not that blind on an open forum lol, i do understand others needs and how they feel as i have been there b4.

I understand about losing a friendship as well as the relationship, i lost a friend as well, but my friend betrayed me and us and herself, it hurt me as well, but im lucky in that i have learned from my past breakup and i can deal with this one so much easier in some way, but i just cant hold on for anything nwo or i will stay in pain, i dont need to feel guilt as i know what i did to help end it, it was my reaction to how i was beening treated, we both played in the part of the breakup for what ever reasons, the reasons dont really matter to me now, all i wish now is for her to have her life she chose and hope she can find her happiness, as i have to find mine, i really wish her well, i dont want to hold on to why, how could she, she chose her path in life for what ever reason she had and i have to except that she did what she thought was best for her, and i have to do what is best for me now, she gave me a big gift, the gift of letting me discover my new life, and im redicovering it allready, life will allways go on, we have to open our eyes to see the good andd not hold on to the bad, the why, the if's, and but's, i wish i could take everyone pain away but only we can do that to ourselves now.

[kizik]

*bumped* because with everyone seeing their ex, I feel alone, and with each day that passes the certainty that I'll never hear from her again becomes clearer.

 

Anybody else missing their ex, despite their wrongs, right now?

[sunshinegirl]

YES.

 

I want that remorseful "I made a horrible mistake, I don't deserve your forgiveness" contact. Fox is turned all inside out because of it, but I'll be damned if some part of him doesn't feel vindicated.

 

I want that.

[kizik]

What if I did like rep, and wrote her an email. See, the last one I wrote her was devoid of emotion, so of course I got no emotion in response. How can you expect emotion when you're not willing to put it out there first?

 

But the other part of me is scared of opening myself up to hurt. I'm just so tired of SILENCE. This girl was my best friend, my confidante, my everything. How the f*ck are we not talking, again?

 

It makes no sense! It's so stupid!

[northstar1]

*bumped* because with everyone seeing their ex, I feel alone, and with each day that passes the certainty that I'll never hear from her again becomes clearer.

 

Anybody else missing their ex, despite their wrongs, right now?

 

Yep, and honestly, the past week has been harder than ever for some reason.

[ioncebelieved]

Include me in on ya'lls PAIN TRAIN!!! Sitting in the seats right beside you guys indeed!!!

[northstar1]

What if I did like rep, and wrote her an email. See, the last one I wrote her was devoid of emotion, so of course I got no emotion in response. How can you expect emotion when you're not willing to put it out there first?

 

But the other part of me is scared of opening myself up to hurt. I'm just so tired of SILENCE. This girl was my best friend, my confidante, my everything. How the f*ck are we not talking, again?

 

It makes no sense! It's so stupid!

 

That's the rub. You want to contact her, perhaps give her some emotional insight into what you are feeling, or what she meant etc. WE both know that it's because you want those comforting thoughts in return. To know that they did love you, they do think of you, and despite it being over, they do miss you.

It sucks feeling alone, that they dont' care, that they are over us.

 

But sending that note off, the agony of waiting for a reply. And if one does come, it will likely never live up to that idealistic one you've coveted.

 

And where does that leave us?

[Nevermind]

Kizik, would you feel better about trying? I mean, if you tried showing her what you feel, would it give you some peace of mind? Or would only success bring that?

 

northstar: ((hugs)) It will get better.

 

Ioncebelieved: you guys having a road trip?

[ioncebelieved]

Kizik, would you feel better about trying? I mean, if you tried showing her what you feel, would it give you some peace of mind? Or would only success bring that?

 

northstar: ((hugs)) It will get better.

 

Ioncebelieved: you guys having a road trip?

 

For sure!!! You coming with??? You are a damn sure invited!!!

[kizik]

But sending that note off, the agony of waiting for a reply. And if one does come, it will likely never live up to that idealistic one you've coveted.

 

And where does that leave us?

 

It leaves us worse off than before we contacted. Very good point. Thanks North.

 

Knowing her, the response would be chipper and confident, even if I had opened up. This is a person who wants everyone to think she is completely put together.

 

I remember when she and I dated in high school, how after we broke up she was all smiles and laughs around school like nothing had happened.

 

Well, she's the same way now. A faker, a pretender. Either that or she's genuinely over people immediately! Which, in either case, describes... wait for it... a BITCH!

[iwish]

Mine has contacted me either. I thought she might've done. It's our longest NC (over 2 weeks) and yet she hasn't even bothered. But thanks to face book i can see that she is happy. I don't want to be on the Pain Train anymore.

[kizik]

Kizik, would you feel better about trying? I mean, if you tried showing her what you feel, would it give you some peace of mind? Or would only success bring that?

 

Good questions NM. I think it would make me feel stupid for having given her yet another ego boost. Right now what I mostly feel is betrayal and anger, and she's defensive to the point where she would not be receptive to hearing my grievances about her role in the R.

 

As far as success, I posted a blog on MySpace about how I'm recording a new album, and a part of me wants her to read it and KNOW that I am not crying in a corner without her.

[Chinook]

Well lets see, I think Green Cove is the only one who has more NC time than me. I am at seven months. But even Green Cove had her nasty contact in Feb....me, nada, zero, zilch since Dec. 20, 07.

Nah, been NC here since June 27th 2007. Literally zero, nada, zip, zilch, nothing, nowt. Not a single word. All of last July was taken up with 'grapevine' issues where mutual friends would tell me what he was up to when he was going to a race and his own private support crew turned up to see him. In the end I had to cut them off too. It turned out to not be such a great loss. The emotionally draining mental drama has been so much less in my life since then.

 

How did I cope with it...? I didn't. June thru to Nov 2007 I started drinking heavily. Soaked myself in tears and alcohol almost every night. I'd only ever loved a SO once before and after that pain, this betrayal and subsequent cold cutting me off, literally broke me. I look back now at some of my posts and the pain is palpable on the screen but even now, I can't tell you how I got through it. I walked, talked and breathed. I was so hurt my brain was on hold. I just couldn't think because the pain was so unbearable. To have someone who had held me so closely, made love to me and stared me deep in the eyes whilst telling me that only death would separate us... to then coldly walk away and there be nothing. It literally broke me.

 

Nov 2007. I sank into a very dark depression. I contemplated not being here anymore. Given my history and what I've already been through in life, things seemed pointless. But to do that would be to give up. I couldn't do that either. So... as a way to just.keep.breathing I started playing World of Warcraft. The game is pants at times. It's frustrating. But it also helped me to be distracted at a time when I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't concentrate. I didn't speak to anyone in the early days. After Christmas some online issues came up and the drama developed where people were giving me grief and I couldn't deal with it. I pretty much quit the online side of it and just carried on playing (I left the server my account was allocated to). Even though it had been 6 months at this point, I was still hurting when my mind didn't have anything to do and my concentration span was such that I couldn't concentrate on reading, watching DVDs etc. I needed the game to stop me sinking. I just needed something to do with my time which didn't involve actually being with people face-to-face. It was ideal for me, it doesn't suit everyone.

 

Jan - May 2008 I began to lift out of the depression but had a few major set-backs with one of my friends and my mother. I had started counselling and oddly enough, the relationship breakup with my ex didn't figure that highly amongst all the other shyte that was going down. Essentially we came to the conclusion during counselling that I was dealing with alot of unresolved past grieving and it had been compounded by losing my ex partner. I never had closure. I had to reach that point for myself.

 

I've come to the conclusion that if you allow enough time to pass, it doesn't matter what they think or whether they contact you. It's irrelevant because your life will eventually move on without them, whether you want it to or not. Sad, but true.

[foxh1234]

As glad as I am that I had my chance face to face to say the things I said. I felt 1 million times better before she contacted me. All contact did was set me back. If I could erase the last 2 weeks before the emails, calls and meeting yesterday, I would do it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Today I feel like I did when she dumped me. No contact is the way, the only way. If they are not contacting you, they are doing you a huge favor.

[ioncebelieved]

No contact is the way, the only way. If they are not contacting you, they are doing you a huge favor.

 

Great way to look at it! Man I bet you are still hurting, huh? Thanks goes to her for coming back for more rounds!!! You are the total opposite of "The Y" and still my hero for the day.

[YoMamma]

Thank goodness that someone (way to go Kizik!) started this thread. I honestly thought that I was going through all of this alone! Complete NC from my ex for 4 months now, still kinda sad that I keep track =( I guess that's a curse of being a girl to remember dates and such.

 

Neither of us initiated it, it just happened... once we hung up the phone, I guess we both knew that was going to be out last conversation =(

 

And yes I am still tempted to contact him but I stop because... don't I deserve to be contacted? Don't I deserve to be missed too? And yes for awhile I did stalk him on facebook... but I stopped that horrible habit a long time ago. I deleted him as a friend and I don't care what he thinks of it! I did it so that I can rebuild my life and move on. I can't live in the past and wonder why he has caused me so much pain. It's not like he looks at my profile anyway.... heartless bastard.

 

I suppose it makes everything easier that we were LDR... but still. Distance didn't matter to me because I loved him. Honestly and truly loved him. It makes me wonder how someone you love so much hurt you so? It doesn't really add up in my mind... maybe all the selfless people tend to end up with a selfish person? I'm not perfect and I'm not going to pretend to be but I am a person who was innocent and who had her heart set only on one person and that person disappointed her in so many ways =( And yep, still no contact. I suppose that's a blessing in disguise because I don't want to be friends with him... I don't want to try again. I grieve deeply because I loved him deeply. But I feel that this time around, I am wiser and I need to cut off people who have hurt me. Even if it means our mutual friends, if they were truly mutual, they wouldn't pick sides... but I feel that maybe they have and if there were my friends, they know how to contact me. I just want to be alone for awhile and live my life without worry.

 

NC is the way to be, let them see how life is without you and maybe realize that we were the one of the best things they ever have and lost. Sucks to be them hehe. Anyways, I pray a lot that things will get better and I certainly hope they do No more tears for my ex, he doesn't deserve it!

[foxh1234]

I dont assume anything, how could i? i feel what i feel, it is who i am, and what you feel about yourself is what you are, life is life we all live it and its diffrent to all of us, i caught my x in bed with some guy, it hurt me yes, but what can i do about it? its happened, evryone on here is feeling pain, we all want something now, some want a tx, a call, a email, any contact at all, i learnt 10 yrs ago when my x wife fo 13 yrs cheated on me, it devastated me it ripped my heart out and my 2 kids, but i healed from it, i learnt as i healed, and one thing i have realized is holding on in what everway just prolongs the pain, what ever each one of us wants is not really important at all, if we all got what we wanted from our x's would it change what they did to us? would it change history? im not a cold person at all, i love, i feel, i hurt, i bleed red blood, i think, im human, but i want to live and enjoy life, that is all we have in this world is our life, we grow and learn everyday, (unless your a couch patato and watch jerry springer all day) this is just another time in our lives that we must deal and learn from, and each must deal with it there own way, me im dealing with it the only way i see it, whats done is done, i canot change it, and im wouldnt want to, its part of my life, its another experience a lesson to learn from, nothing i hear from her will change anything and i can wallow in pain, or i can move forward in my life, a new chance a new road to walk and walk it i will as we all must, but its how long it will take some of us to walk.

But i dont assume anything in life, face it, live it, we try to shut out the pain, but we shouldnt we should face it, feel it, live it, embrace it, but dont hide from it.

 

Great post, I agree with everything. What's done is done and we cannot change it, so why wallow any longer !!! Let's all get on with our lives people.

[Chinook]

Great post, I agree with everything. What's done is done and we cannot change it, so why wallow any longer !!! Let's all get on with our lives people.

It's great to see you posting that Fox. Sometimes though, especially in the early days it isn't as easy as just getting on with life. I personally found a period of wallowing was necessary - just couldn't help it

[orangehose]

*bumped* because with everyone seeing their ex, I feel alone, and with each day that passes the certainty that I'll never hear from her again becomes clearer.

 

Anybody else missing their ex, despite their wrongs, right now?

 

Yeah, I seem to have regressed this past week or so. I went through a couple weeks of essentially prefixing every thought of my ex with "that ****ing b*stard" and now that that anger has worn off, I'm re-encountering some feelings of longing. Not quite like before, but it's still odd to feel it.

 

And yeah, part of me is still shocked at the suddenness of it, and the fact that most likely I'll never hear from him.