She wants her own life...

[Valdar]

I wish I could be shorter with this story, I'll try to rush through it.

 

Married when she was 19, I was 23. Been married 4 years and have a 1.5 year old child together.

 

She feels trapped and dependent on me. Thinks we married for the wrong reasons because I was an escape from her life at 19. We moved away from her friends and family.

 

We did a lot of things in those 4 years, moved several times (different states), purchased new homes, cars, etc.

 

She has a Bipolar Type II disorder with manic episodes. She's jumped around different medications and they seem to work for a short while, but then she gets depressed again. There always seems to be "one thing" that will make her happy, and we do it and it doesn't make her happy.

 

She's a stay at home mom, never had to work or go to school. I see myself as a very good provider because she gets almost everything she wants.

 

She went to see her parents a month ago and took our child too, it was just supposed to be a vacation. She went out with her old friends to bars and other places. She almost kissed someone and enjoyed flirting with other men and wanted (still wants?) to. She's an attractive woman, so that doesn't help. She also says that I didn't pay any attention to her and I drove her away. I would turn down business trips and dinners with clients so I could come home early to be with her.

 

I ditched work for a week and went down there because I felt like my marriage was falling apart. We're back home now, but it feels like we're headed for divorce. She says she doesn't know if she wants to try or not, but she's unhappy with how her life turned out and wants it to change.

 

She's enrolled in school so she can be proud of something herself, but it'll be 3 years and a lot of money before she finishes.

 

I wanted to try and I'm giving everything I have, but I feel like I'm being rejected. I send flowers, cards, call her a few times a day just say I love you. Buy her gifts, give her time away from the kid. I do the dishes, laundry and we've always had someone clean our house. But simple things like wanting her to sit on my lap she rejects me for because "she doesn't have to do what I want".

 

I have books on reconciling divorce, but she doesn't read them completely (I do). I have sought out counseling for both of us, but the counselor's seem useless and just listen, but don't give advice on what to do. Got a babysitter so we could go out, but she doesn't want to go on dates.

 

From my point of view, I make very good money, especially for my age. I could afford to have us separate and pay for all of her schooling and living expenses and keep our home as well. I know that I'm good looking and I'm in great shape, there is still a strong attraction because we still have sex a few times a week (could it be pity sex?).

 

Short story long...I love her deeply and she's such an important part of my life. But I feel like I don't deserve this. Her parents don't feel like I deserve it and have yelled at her in person and over the phone that she's making a huge mistake and needs to look at what she's doing. Her unmarried friends encourage her to leave because she's unhappy.

 

I went out the other night with my friends (first time in years) and took my wedding ring off because I was feeling like crap. Well...the waitress was flirting with me at the restaurant and I REALLY enjoyed it, she was probably just trying to get a bigger tip.

 

She says I'm an amazing father so she would never separate me from our son and we've talked about me just keeping him and her going to live her life.

 

She doesn't know if she wants to stay together or not and she said she needs time to figure it out. She's said that she just wishes I would make the decision for us (it's like she's trying to avoid guilt for being the one who causes the divorce) For me however, I can't keep trying and getting rejected.

 

Should I stay or should I go? It's hard to sleep in the same bed as her when she stays up late talking with her friends. She comes to bed very late, 2 or 3 in the morning after being online.

 

Thanks for reading the story and thanks for any advice or questions.

[TrustInYourself]

One of my best friends married his wife at 18 and he regretted all the effort he put into saving his marriage, because his wife just took it all for granted. It sounds like it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes, when you get married young, you feel like you missed out on a part of your life. That's the hardest part, competing with the fantasy that your wife envisions being single. You just can't compete with that.

 

My situation is somewhat similar. I married my wife before she had a chance to really get out there and experience life and know what she really wants. It's got nothing to do with you, so you should not feel badly about that. It's all about her and her desire for something she "thinks" is better out there.

 

It's a tough decision that only you and her can make after discussion. There's really nothing to say that can stop the hurting, rejection, anguish that you feel. Anything can happen and if you're truly meant for eachother, then she'll come around and realize that she made a mistake. At that point, you may realize she wasn't the right woman for you.

 

I've tried to convey the way I feel and build on my marriage, after me and my wife separated. It hasn't been easy. I've had to make some serious changes on my perspectives on love, marriage, and most importantly myself. Time seems to be on my side though.

 

Right now, you've done everything you can to show your wife that you love her. Maybe it's time to give her a chance to see that her fantasy and dreams aren't all that she thinks they are cracked up to be. If she's out talking to her friends and rejecting you, I'd take a step back and think about if you really want someone who takes your love for granted as your wife.

 

I'd advocate some time apart. You could lose her and you should consider that as a possible outcome. However, at the moment, she's not really being a wife to you. She's not being true to your marriage. I'd give her the chance to move on, if you really love her. If you love yourself and respect yourself, you can't put up with her going out with friends and kissing other men. She's putting herself in a situation where she will cheat on you and throw your marriage in the garbage. I'd be proactive and ask for some time apart.

 

You're on the right path, I think with going out with your friends. If she values her independence, then I would say to reciprocate by going out and enjoying your own independence. You both are young and attractive adults. If she doesn't appreciate what you bring to the marriage, someone else most certainly will. I wouldn't advocate sleeping with other women, but certainly go out and socialize and meet other people.

 

I share my daughter 50% with my wife and the time I have with her I treasure. I consider myself a pretty damn good father, so I don't take my responsibility lightly when I have her. One of the major things that my wife has come to realize, is that sharing our daughter isn't fun. Maybe that will also have some effect on your wife's behavior. Who knows though!

 

I hope you work it all out for the sake of your kid and your own happiness. Sometimes, what we think we need and want is not what we really need or want or even deserve. Try and stay objective and loving. It's a difficult balance. Good luck!!

[Valdar]

Thank you so much for writing back and so quickly as well.

 

The custody of our son could be difficult and that's one thing I'm worried about. I don't know if I could move on knowing that I would be seeing her almost every day because of our kid.

 

I know I should listen to you and give her the space she needs to figure out what she wants. I don't want it to come across as I don't care though, I guess that's just part of the tough balance.

 

I've accepted that she could very well leave me for someone else or just to be alone on her own, it hurts, but it doesn't completely bother me anymore.

 

I'll let her make the decision and hopefully it doesn't take her too long. I'll give it until the end of the year to see what she wants from her life.

[TrustInYourself]

Thank you so much for writing back and so quickly as well.

 

The custody of our son could be difficult and that's one thing I'm worried about. I don't know if I could move on knowing that I would be seeing her almost every day because of our kid.

 

I know I should listen to you and give her the space she needs to figure out what she wants. I don't want it to come across as I don't care though, I guess that's just part of the tough balance.

 

I've accepted that she could very well leave me for someone else or just to be alone on her own, it hurts, but it doesn't completely bother me anymore.

 

I'll let her make the decision and hopefully it doesn't take her too long. I'll give it until the end of the year to see what she wants from her life.

 

Yeah with kids, it's not like you can just end your relations with her completely. It's a problem in some ways, but it's also a link that you two will always share. It's hard, no doubt.

 

It's not just a possibility but likely. If she spends a week alone at home with her friends and she's out kissing other men, it's time to really think about what that means. She's not invested in your marriage anymore. The sooner you realize that, the better off you will be. I'm not saying that you should throw her out or divorce her immediately (some people would advocate that approach), but you need to be prepared and ready for your own health.

 

I'd speak to someone you trust (family, friends, spiritual advisor or w/e) and really communicate the situation. You guys should consider counseling together to also help you both determine what you really want out of the marriage. That could help you both decide if it's worthwhile to continue.

 

I'm just worried if you stay in a marriage that she's not going to respect and that you feel unloved in, something is going to happen that will hurt you both. You should address that with her. Honesty and communication is going to open both of your eyes and also possibly hurt and cause you both pain. Just prepare for it and do what you need to do to take care of your family man.

 

Best of luck and best wishes.

[Lynettemck]

 

I'm just worried if you stay in a marriage that she's not going to respect and that you feel unloved in, something is going to happen that will hurt you both. You should address that with her. Honesty and communication is going to open both of your eyes and also possibly hurt and cause you both pain. Just prepare for it and do what you need to do to take care of your family man.

 

 

Absolutely agree with the above. I too met my OH when I was v young, 16, and had a baby at 18 and I had those feelings of what have I missed - not that I would swap it now for the world but when you're younger you do think differently.

 

I would say maybe get some space while in counselling (if that makes sense). She probably just wants to feel that she's not an old woman and life hasn't passed her by. Can you two not go out and have fun together? Get a babysitter and go dancing till the silly hours?

[SingleDad]

When there is a child involved at 1.yo, it is nearly impossible for you to not see your W or ExW. We have a 2.5yo daughter and we are separated for past 3 mo. We have LC but that is very tough.

 

You cannot do anything but give your spouse some space and be supportive and loving. Focus on your child. Most of us do not really know what we had until we have lost it. Try imagining or experiencing your life with less than 50% of the time with your child, and your wife out of the picture. That will help you figure out what you really want and what is really important.

 

After going through it myself, I learned that my daughter was most important and my family next. I pray and hope that my marriage can be saved - but it can't if my STBXW refuses.

 

Best wishes

[Ladyjane14]

Your post sounds remarkably similar to an earlier thread. The stories are identical with small exeption:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t156306/

 

I agree with many of the other posters who tried to tell this young lady that it's growing up time, that happiness and fulfillment come from within, and that we can't be dependent upon someone else for those things.

 

Love is an action and a choice. It's not some vague "feeling". It's something we DO. Making a choice to engage in loving action is necessary in order to keep a relationship healthy and maintained as the years roll by.

 

Unfortunately, we can't make that choice for someone else. In cases where we're dealing with a partner who hasn't the emotional maturity to see this simple truth, there's nothing we can do but protect ourselves as best we can. And if YOU are the mature one in the relationship, it's up to you to protect your child as well.

 

My advice to you is to stay in your home, maintain a stable, peaceful household for your child, and to be as emotionally supportive as you can be WITHOUT giving up your family's security. Just because she's flaking out, doesn't mean you have to flake out too.

 

She's young. Give her some breathing room in order to get her head sorted out. But... don't assist her in the destruction of your family.

 

If things get worse, see an attorney.

[bish]

Should I stay or should I go? It's hard to sleep in the same bed as her when she stays up late talking with her friends. She comes to bed very late, 2 or 3 in the morning after being online.

 

You should go. Divorce her. If she is up til 3am online, you can bet the bank she is lining up suitors for meetings.

 

She now likes going out to bars and flirting. Almost kissed someone? Either she did or didn't. I say she did and is playing it down.

 

Get a divorce. And since she now is going to like the party life, I'd say she doesn't need to be the custodial parent.

[SingleDad]

No - divorce is rarely the answer. You have a 1.5yo child. Your W is just going through a phase - maybe post partum depression. Taking care of a baby is hard - especially for a full time mom. You say you are a great dad. Give your W some room to get out of the house and have some fun. She can't expect to enjoy herself stuck in the house.

 

Don't give up. Give her the freedom to enjoy her life. She'll probably appreciate it and should give back some of what you need as well.

 

Having a child changes the dynamic of the house and relationship. Too many people can't adjust the the change in lifestyle and just give up on the marrriage. Don't add to the statistics like the rest of us if you can.

[Billy Bob]

No - divorce is rarely the answer.

 

Divorce is rarely the answer??????!!!! What planet are you living on?

[Valdar]

The other post mentioned here is eerily similar...like way too similar to be anyone else.

 

Fascinating in a way, to see the same story told from two different sides and how biases can pay into telling it. And I'm 100% sure it's the same story...the controlling part is interesting because I've never raised my voice with her, but maybe i'm just passive aggressive.

 

My wife thinks I'm smothering her with all my trying and that's it's too much attention. Perhaps I am or maybe she's not used to it because it's more attention than I used to give. I feel like if I just give her the space she needs it'll be thrown back at me that I'm not showing her enough attention. I'll do what she wants, but that seems to change too.

 

You've brought up an excellent point SingleDad, that I should spend as much quality time with my child as possible because I may be losing that. I think I keep overlooking our son because of how focused I am on saving the marriage, but that's not the right thing to do, especially at this critical point.

 

I've accepted the pending divorce and losing her...and that really does make life somewhat more bearable for the moment.

[TrustInYourself]

The other post mentioned here is eerily similar...like way too similar to be anyone else.

 

Fascinating in a way, to see the same story told from two different sides and how biases can pay into telling it. And I'm 100% sure it's the same story...the controlling part is interesting because I've never raised my voice with her, but maybe i'm just passive aggressive.

 

My wife thinks I'm smothering her with all my trying and that's it's too much attention. Perhaps I am or maybe she's not used to it because it's more attention than I used to give. I feel like if I just give her the space she needs it'll be thrown back at me that I'm not showing her enough attention. I'll do what she wants, but that seems to change too.

 

You've brought up an excellent point SingleDad, that I should spend as much quality time with my child as possible because I may be losing that. I think I keep overlooking our son because of how focused I am on saving the marriage, but that's not the right thing to do, especially at this critical point.

 

I've accepted the pending divorce and losing her...and that really does make life somewhat more bearable for the moment.

 

I've had problems focusing on my daughter as well. It's hard when your wife and your marriage are at stake. I always try and make plans when

 

I'd definitely back off, if she's making comments like you are smothering her. Like I said before, it's time to focus on improving yourself and enjoying your own independence.

[Kasan]

Has you wife been recently evaluated by her doctor? Could her medical condition be the root cause for this?

[Valdar]

She has an appointment next week for a follow-up evaluation. We'll see what happens, but I'm not counting on anything.

 

Maybe she'll always be an unhappy person due to a medical condition and I should move on for my own sanity.

 

Everyone here is really supportive and although honest criticism is hard to take, it's appreciated.

[Ronni_W]

The other post mentioned here is eerily similar...like way too similar to be anyone else.

I really would caution against taking that as absolute fact, though, Valdar. The similarities are not uncommon enough -- it could just be a wonderful coincidence in that it has given you some POSSIBLE insight into your wife's perspective.

 

Wishing all of you the best.

[Valdar]

Actually, it was her...and she found my post. Is this is a loveshack first?

[bish]

Actually, it was her...and she found my post. Is this is a loveshack first?

 

She did?

 

Well if she is reading again, she should know that she is not fit to be married and that you are definitely better off without her.

 

If she is going to act like a single college floosy, then you need to help make that a reality so you no longer have to put up with such an unscrupulous tramp.

[Valdar]

I think it's unfair to categorize her like that and I'm offended by it. I'd like to close this thread if possible.

[Ladyjane14]

Actually, it was her...and she found my post. Is this is a loveshack first?

 

Nope. We've seen it before.

 

It makes it difficult sometimes to give candid advice... but really, your best bet is working with a counselor anyway.

 

Your marriage is salvageable. And I'd say the same to Ruby too. Did either of you honestly believe that there'd never be any rough spots, that you'd never tweak one another's nerves, that you'd never have cause to forgive each other, that you'd never have doubts???

 

I've been married for over 25 years, and I can tell you quite honestly that what you're going through is fairly normal for people your age. As Gunny is wont to say... nobody hands you out an instruction manual for being married. It's all OJT (on the job training).

 

Try this... the both of you just 'cool your jets' for awhile. Spend some time really LEARNING about the marital relationship. You know, I'm here to tell you... things really CAN get better. There are TWO major speed bumps in marriage. The first is caused by the stress of starting a family, the second is at the midlife crisis stage, females at around 35 and males at about 40 and either one can cause a problem.

 

Frankly, there doesn't appear to be anything going on here that's not pretty common. If nobody hits the panic button, your little family might just come through this unscathed.

[TrustInYourself]

Look at my responses to your wife. Are they not in agreement with what I have been telling you to prepare for? I hope you handle your biz!

[Gunny376]

Going to bars looking for love is nothing more than looking for love in all the wrong places and in all the wrong faces. And trust me! I know about bars. I've been in them all over the world, in the Phillippines, in Okinawa, in Hong Kong, in Thailand, in Italy, in Greece etc.

 

All anyone is going to find in those places is heartache, heartbreak and disappointment.

 

When are the two of you going together, turn and make a stand, drawing a line in the sand? When are you going to honor your vows? Your single greatest chance at martial bliss and happinesss, is right here and right now in your first and current marriage.

 

Marriage is a paradox, you've got to be vulnerable and weak while being strong. You've got to giving and demanding at the same time ~

of yourself and each other.

 

Quiting is the easy part ~ its the sticking to it and with it that's the hard part. Its always easy to quit.

 

To quit your job, to quit high school, college, the military, your carrer, your marriage, even your life.

 

Its been my general experience that once you start quitting? It becomes a life long habit.

 

Turn and make a stand, draw a line in the sand ~ and refuse to quit.

 

I'm not saying beg her not to leave, nor am I saying beg her to stay. By all means don't beg, nor be whinny. I'm saying turn and make a stand. Stand by your committments, stand by your vows. Don't chase her, let her go if she wants to go. Just make a stand, and let her know that you've turned and have drawn a line in the stand and that this is where you stand to the ever loving bitter end, come Hell or high water!

 

I would suggest you read ilmw's thread.

 

In so far as ending the thread? Hell no! Man-up, damned right your looking for solutions to the problems and answers to the questions!

 

No one knows anyone here? I've been knowing LadyJane for over two years, but I don't have a clue about her other than she posts here? Same with most here1

[Mr. Lucky]

Has you wife been recently evaluated by her doctor? Could her medical condition be the root cause for this?

I think that this has much to do with her actions and has been glossed over too quickly here. Unless you've lived with someone with a similar medical condition (I have a 21 year-old son with a similar diagnosis), you have no idea how it can affect their life. Decision making, impulsiveness, judgement, memory and drug/alcohol abuse are all satellite issues. The key to salvaging your marriage is to get your wife on the right treatment program - the difference could be huge...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

I think that this has much to do with her actions and has been glossed over too quickly here. Unless you've lived with someone with a similar medical condition (I have a 21 year-old son with a similar diagnosis), you have no idea how it can affect their life. Decision making, impulsiveness, judgement, memory and drug/alcohol abuse are all satellite issues. The key to salvaging your marriage is to get your wife on the right treatment program - the difference could be huge...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I know a few bi-polars who are leading very successful, very normal lives. Granted, these are the minority. but it's do-able.

 

What I noticed that was different between those who do well and those who don't... is that they take their condition SERIOUSLY. They commit themselves whole-heartedly to doing whatever is necessary for keeping their symptoms under control... from diet and exercise right on to maintenance medication. They follow up regularly with doctors and therapists. They develop trusting relationships with their loved ones, who provide a safety net of sorts by letting them know if there are any changes in their demeanor.

[bish]

I think it's unfair to categorize her like that and I'm offended by it. I'd like to close this thread if possible.

 

My apologies. That was not my intention.

 

so what is your alternative then since its obvious you care for someone that really could care less about you to hurt you like this and seek attention from other men? And now if she read your reply to me, she now knows she is in control here.

 

You either leave her, or you stay with her and put up with whatever she throws your way.

 

Some guys just have to learn the hard way. I did. Was hoping I could help so that you didn't have to.

[Mr. Lucky]

What I noticed that was different between those who do well and those who don't... is that they take their condition SERIOUSLY. They commit themselves whole-heartedly to doing whatever is necessary for keeping their symptoms under control... from diet and exercise right on to maintenance medication. They follow up regularly with doctors and therapists. They develop trusting relationships with their loved ones, who provide a safety net of sorts by letting them know if there are any changes in their demeanor.

Amen. And not to threadjack, but you can imagine the challenges in getting a 21 year-old to "commit themselves whole-heartedly" to anything !!! OTOH, the OP's wife isn't much older than my son...

 

Mr. Lucky