Rej Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 ... and of course I was highly pissed at her. She's apologized but it's still bothering me a little. We've been together for a little over a year now and everything has been great for the most part. The background to this is that she told me about a month ago about a guy that had been asking one of her girlfriends who she was and wanted to get her phone number. Fast forward to this past weekend where one of her girlfriends (a different one) was having a b-day party. It just so happens that this guy was also having a party at the same place and told the other GF to invite her. Now the story from her is while at the party the guy kept coming over and asking for her number so she gave it to him and was upfront with me about it. I basically went off on her over the phone as she told me the same night. I kept asking her why she would do that knowing this guy is interested in her and she really could not and has not given me a straight answer which is just causing me to be even more upset. She's promised me it means nothing, that she made a mistake and has apologized but I can't get the question out of my head as to why she would do such a thing. The thing is, while i'm still mildly upset about it I want to believe her since she was upfront about the whole thing. But at the same time her refusal to give me a logical reason for what she did is leaving a hint of doubt in my mind about her sincerity. Am I wrong for continuing to harp on this or should I just let it go and allow it to blow over? Am I being naive? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Something does not smell right here. If she felt he was bothering her she could have given him a fake number just to get rid of him. The fact that she gave him her real number says a great deal. Now if you catch her talking to him she will tell you he just called and what could she do. I am sorry but she is playing you here. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would buy such a story from you? Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Does the other guy know she has a boyfriend of 1yr+ and that she's not interested in dating anyone else? If she left out these details when talking to him, then she's not your girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
AcidDJx Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Hey man, just thought I'd post quickly to let you know my input here. I've been here. Don't let their relationship evolve, even into good friendship. I've had this happen, recently, with my girlfriend of a year. She gave her number out to "some guy," and had been texting, calling, getting rides home (from her work), etc. 24/7. It had pissed me off, and we eventually broke up, because my jealousy took me over. Don't let it evolve, I'm telling you. That'll be the biggest mistake of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Davey McG Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I've been here. Don't let their relationship evolve, even into good friendship. I've had this happen, recently, with my girlfriend of a year. She gave her number out to "some guy," and had been texting, calling, getting rides home (from her work), etc. 24/7. It had pissed me off, and we eventually broke up, because my jealousy took me over. Don't let it evolve, I'm telling you. That'll be the biggest mistake of your life. Either that, or question if the sort of woman who can be easily one over at a party is the sort of person you want to go out with. If she left out these details when talking to him, then she's not your girlfriend. She probably didn't tell the guy she had a boyfriend and she's probably not telling you the whole truth either. Just from experience Link to post Share on other sites
Trinsa Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I agree that smth here smells just wrong... You shouldn't accept Your GF giving out her number to guys she doesn't know nor needs to know when dating with you. Only explanation for her to give out her number to a strange guy is if they need that connection professionally like for her work or smth...but even there i would be careful as it seems that guy defenitely has an interest in Your GF. You should confront your GF and ask what's the deal...also a good argument in that conversation would be if You aske her to put her in Your shoes and how would she react in the same type of situation. If You really love this girl try to figure out if she really feels as strong about You too bcz her actions seem to show smth else, not very commited to You...Seems like she is still out in the look for smb else too... Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
JP77 Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 That's not the sign of a committed girlfriend, ditch her before she cheats on you. It's only time. And no amount of excuses can be made for handing out a number to a man/woman who is interested in you. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 So she gave her number to another guy at a club? She is not a keeper. Dump her and let the other guy have her...more like use her since they met at a club. She isn't worth your time. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Am I wrong for continuing to harp on this or should I just let it go and allow it to blow over? You are not wrong for harping on it, but really you should be getting rid of her. Am I being naive? Yes Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Something does not smell right here. If she felt he was bothering her she could have given him a fake number just to get rid of him. Or better yet tell him that she has a boyfriend and doesn't give her number out to other guys. And if he kept on her to give him her number, then she could have gotten nasty with him about it. But she didn't want to do that. She liked the guy and didn't want to burn that bridge. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 The answer is she wants the guys number.. she is interested in him.. I'm one of the most tolerant people I know I wouldn't put up with that blatant of a move.. I would act and not react I would dump her !!!! She just showed you her intentions with you are not worthy of a commitment and she also showed you that she intends to continue to look for other guys and talk to other guys... this isn't about the guy who gave the number.. this is all about her and the fact that she considers herself in play. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 There's no good reason why someone would do that. That's probably why she hasn't been able to give you one. What a crappy thing to do. Someone above asked whether that guy knows she has a boyfriend of a year. I wonder that too. Who would continually pester someone for her number if she's already got a long-term boyfriend? Don't let this one blow over; she's being dishonest. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Many would chime in and say, ' people make mistakes. ' However, in this case, while it's so early... Take our advice and ditch the b*tch. Keep in mind that one or two things will happen if you do break up with her.. 1) She'll accept it and move on from you... In this case, good riddance. 2) She'll understand her mistake and realize that you are not to be walked all over or played the fool. She will most likely not ever do anything of this magnitude to jeopardize the relationship. She'll ask for a second chance and if you really do like this girl and see a prominent future, then try again from scratch. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Everyone else has given you great advice. Follow it. I wonder if she is unable to say no or to confront people in general. Maybe she felt uncomfortable and thought she should just give the guy her phone number instead of saying No to him. It really doesn't matter, though! You wouldn't want a spineless girlfriend who can't say because she's afraid of hurting another guy's feelings....what else would she do? I once had a boyfriend who didn't tell an ex girlfriend that continued to call him that we were dating (six months, too!). He didn't want to hurt HER feelings. Later, a year into the relationship, she was still texting him and calling him, asking him to do things like he was still available. He told me he said he a girlfriend, but didn't tell her right away, more like six months in the relationship. Yeah, right. It sucked. No trust. Lose her. She is a cheater type and the other guy knows she's vulnerable and won't say no. So you say no. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 How old is your gf? When i was younger (early 20's to mid 20's) I had a severe problem with saying no to someone when they pushed me. There were lines I wouldn't cross... but a phone number, I would've felt that I could still control the situation so I would've relented just to get him out of my face. Add in to the fact that I couldn't think on my feet, which means I wouldn't have thought to give him a fake number. I'd just think if I didn't answer my phone that he'd go away. The advice on here is really good. But also weigh that against your understanding of who your gf is. You've known her a year, you should know whether she folds under pressure easily, or if she normally doesn't have a problem with telling pushier people to back off. You should have a fairly good idea on how well she lies, or manipulates facts to get her way. Think back on her past behaviors in situations where she wanted something and couldn't get it, and how she handled it. Did she lie to get what she wanted? Does she have a problem telling people no? That might help you frame the situation better based on who your gf is as a person. I'd explain to her that the trust was damaged and ask her to be aware of the fact that she's going to need to prove to you that she isn't talking to this guy. Otherwise, you have to break up with her. Don't know if that's something you're willing to do or not. But find a resolution to this situation instead of letting it fester and create resentment. i.e. ask her to be an open book until your doubts are eased, or explain you aren't willing to continue a relationship with her any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rej Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 Thanks to everyone for all of the wonderful feedback. By GF is 23. We met and had a long talk yesterday and I basically said to her that because of this my trust for her has taken a big hit and that I can't see us continuing like this as I would be constantly wondering if she's interested in and/or talking to this guy behind my back and that I dont need or deserve to go through this. She started crying and pleading with me that it was nothing and that she only gave him the number so that he would leave her alone. She showed me her phone and that he's texted her twice and called once but she has not and doesnt plan on responding (I did check this by looking at the call log and her sent items). I explained to her that this could all had been avoided if she just told him she had BF in the first place. She says that she did but he kept asking anyway. She then calls the guy on speaker phone and tells him everything she should have told him from the beginning ("giving him the number was mistake.... i'm happily involved..... please dont call or text"). I tell her thanks for lunch and that i'd call her later. She's sent several text begging and pleading for me to forgive her and that she was wrong. I plan on giving her another chance but not without making her earn it. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I plan on giving her another chance but not without making her earn it. That's cool.. don't make her "pay" for her mistake though. Once you talk it out and she redeemed herself you need to let it go.. let the past be in the past. That of course doesn't mean she gets a free card on the trust issue.. but that will be built back up in time... Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Thanks to everyone for all of the wonderful feedback. By GF is 23. We met and had a long talk yesterday and I basically said to her that because of this my trust for her has taken a big hit and that I can't see us continuing like this as I would be constantly wondering if she's interested in and/or talking to this guy behind my back and that I dont need or deserve to go through this. She started crying and pleading with me that it was nothing and that she only gave him the number so that he would leave her alone. She showed me her phone and that he's texted her twice and called once but she has not and doesnt plan on responding (I did check this by looking at the call log and her sent items). I explained to her that this could all had been avoided if she just told him she had BF in the first place. She says that she did but he kept asking anyway. She then calls the guy on speaker phone and tells him everything she should have told him from the beginning ("giving him the number was mistake.... i'm happily involved..... please dont call or text"). I tell her thanks for lunch and that i'd call her later. She's sent several text begging and pleading for me to forgive her and that she was wrong. I plan on giving her another chance but not without making her earn it. As I suspected, she's innocent my friend. Don't play with her emotions like that though, it's unhealthy. If you plan to take her back, do so immediately and move on from this. Don't bring it up, don't use it as leverage in an argument. Just put the problem in the past and be happy with you're relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 Alleviate a portion of that fear and anxiety she's going through by thinking you're done with her for good. Its not right to leave her hanging like that. Its okay if you need a few days to yourself to process everything, but let her know you will contact her, and then give her an idea of when. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted July 13, 2008 Share Posted July 13, 2008 OP, unless you are very invested in this girl, it's time to make a graceful exit. If she's done it once, she's probably done it before, and will do it again. A funny aside, when I was young... all the gals in the area I lived had the local police stations phone number memorized... and could write it or recite it at a seconds notice. For fun, I memorized the number to the SPCA animal shelter. Actually got to exchange it once for the Cop Shop... that was a hoot. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 I tell her thanks for lunch and that i'd call her later. She's sent several text begging and pleading for me to forgive her and that she was wrong. I plan on giving her another chance but not without making her earn it. I think you did the right thing in standing up for yourself on this. I also think she is sincere in her apology. However, what makes you believe that she will be honest with you about this in the future? It seems to me that most women would just lie to you about giving out thier number at this point. So, what makes her different? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Hello, Something still does not make sense to me. She told you that she gave him her number just to get rid of him. Why in the hell if that is true did she not simply give him a wrong number. Why would she gave him her right number? It simply does not make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
theobserver Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 I think her reasons can sound fishy BUT I have been in the presence of some women who really are just walkovers. I've had a friend who gave her number to a guy that asked who she 100% had no interest in. He was with friends and for whatever reason she decided to just give him the number perhaps out of feat that the group would hassle her or the guy in question. She chose not to give a fake number incase he decided to test it there and then and of course cause an incident. Not everyone has the balls to say no to people sadly and deal with the consequences of that no. IF she is this type of person then I would accept her apology which does seem sincere. If this is not like her personality to give him her number then you have to wonder if she would of called him, texted with him but at the same time she did tell you pretty much just after giving him the number perhaps as a heads up and to see how you'd take it as a test. You know what annoys me about this though. Her friend. What kind of friend brings her along to another mans party who she knows is interested in her (I'm aware this is another friend of hers not the first one) and also knowing she has a boyfriend and why exactly was this guy having a party at the same place as her gf isn't that a big ass coincidence? Why wouldnt her friend of been inviting her in the first place to her b-day party at this venue why was she (i presume) only considering inviting your gf because this guy asked who's having a totally different party. Also the fact her friend accepted doesn't that mean this guy is friends with her girl friend so he isn't exactly that much of a stranger. I hope my rant makes sense to some people It's just all very strange. Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 She's gaslighting you. I concur with Nicki, BryanP and Lakeside Dream---she easily could have fended off this guy by making it known she was with someone else and wasn't interested in him. Why give this guy her number at all? At the least, why doesn't she tell her friend to ask this guy to stop calling her? She's actually interested in this particular guy or she simply enjoys getting attention and validation from other men while she's in a relationship. Keep in mind her past responses to people she wasn't interested in dating or being friends with and weigh it in with her current behavior. She's either generally a pushover or she isn't--her friends aren't responsible for how she chooses to interact with other guys. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Tell her next time to give out this # 310-735-0099. Some women just don't know how to turn someone down so this will be easier. Link to post Share on other sites
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