redfathom Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Hi All, My grandfather passed away a week ago tomorrow. His health declined drastically and he decided to go to hospice because he was done fighting. I have had a strained relationship with my mom and sisters over the past few months because there is just too much drama and I wish to stay out of it. My older sister is one of those people who likes to help out but only so she can claim credit for helping (conversations about loved ones turn into conversations about how great she is). This has upset my other sister. My other sister likes to talk trash about people, if you say something she will twist it around and spread lies about what you said to other people. This has happened to me a few times. Anyways, my middle sister called me Tuesday and said that she was mad at my older sister because she told our mom (and not any of us) that is will be speaking at our grandpa's funeral and also participating in the rosary. She said she was upset because our older sister did not consult any of us on this, I think she wanted it to be more of a family thing then a single sibling thing. She was also upset because you need to have a rosary that has been blessed to participate, I offered her one my grandmother gave me shortly before she passed. She said she did not want it and was not going to speak at the funeral either. She said she was just telling me all of this incase I wanted to call our older sister and complain to her about us not being included. I told her I did not, that if I wanted to speak I would but that I don't feel the need to. I know how much I loved my grandpa and so did he and I don't need to share that publicly (sharing it one on one with family is different). If our older sister wants to speak at the funerl that's her fine with me. Now for my mom. My parents divorced over 26 (I am 26 years old) years ago and my dad is recently remarried. My mom and sisters talk trash about my dad and his wife (who they really don't know). I am the closest with my dad and it was his father who just passed away. When my dad called to tell me grandpa passed on he also asked me about an MRI my brother had done and what the outcome was. I knew nothing of this (because I don't really talk to my mom and sisters). When my mom called later that day to see how I was I told her my dad was asking about the MRI. She said, she did not think he wanted my dad to know and that basically it's none of his business. My brother and dad have not had a relationship in about 12 years, my dad still tries but my brother ignores him. My mom has always fuelled any anger (which was usually slight) we had towards my dad. She would tell us he did not love us and things like that growing up. When you're 11 years old like my brother was when they stopped speaking, you believe something like that. Anyways, this kind of pissed me off, but if that is what my brother wants that is his choice, it's his relationship with my dad so I did not push the issue. This is what I feel is not really nice on my moms part. My mom is going to the wake, funeral and is also going to the family reception after the burial this weekend. My grandpa always got a long with everyone and was always nice to my mom even after the divorce. They were by no means close, she maybe saw him once a year at a family gathering. I understand her wanting to pay respects but I don't think it's necessarily fair to my dad for her to go to the family reception. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I'm sorry about the loss of your grandfather, red ... as long as your mother's intention is to pay her respects, and not stir up shxt, she has every right to be there. Because despite how things may have turned out with your dad, she probably loved and respected his family enough to want to be at Grandpa's send off. Or, she may be going as a show of support for you kids. It's probably a bit of both, though. Don't worry excessively about this, you'll drive yourself nuts. as for having a blessed rosary to participate in a funeral rosary ... well, I've never heard anything like that, and I'm sure someone has misinformed her. However, I do believe all rosaries are blessed before they're distributed, so if she's still concerned about it, tell her she's covered. God knows her intentions, and that's way more important than the question of whether a rosary is blessed or not! Link to post Share on other sites
Author redfathom Posted July 10, 2008 Author Share Posted July 10, 2008 Hi quankanne, I agree. I am sure those are both my mothers intentions, I not sure that she won't make trouble. Let's hope not. I think it's great that she goes to the wake, the funeral services and the burial, I just thought the family reception was a little bit too much. My sister never wanted to participate, she was more upset and not being colsulted on it before our other sister signed up to do those things. It's that our older sister and an attention hog (when it's inapproriate). When she called to tell me grandpa passed, she said "Aunt X just called to tell me grandpa passed away. She also wanted to thank me for staying over last night." Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 12, 2008 Share Posted July 12, 2008 Sorry for your loss.. It's weird how a death of a loved one can bring out alot of bad feelings within an extended family. Someone always gets their nose out of joint for whatever reason! Anyway, everyone is upset and emotional, saying things they shouldn't be saying. If I were in your shoes, I just wouldn't get involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redfathom Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 She did go...she was on good behavior. The only thing that annoyed me (for about 5 min. then I told myself to get over it) was that my sisters husband and my other sisters son were both pallbearers, including my brother. My husband overheard my mom saying to someone else about this, "we all got to pick someone from each household to be a pallbearer..." except that my mom did not let us know this so my husband was not included in this. It hurts that they did this...but we are used to it from them. It was nice though, my aunt asked me in private if I wanted a copy of a picture of my grandpa and I said I would and she told me not to tell my sisters that they gave me a copy. I told them I appreciated it and they said that they really like me and my husband and were happy to give us a copy. I could tell they were annoyed by my mom going becuase my dad, his wife, my uncle, and his wife all sat in the dining room while my mom was in the living room. Okay and not to be picky: but my mom and sister wore cargo pants, her husband wore jeans, my sisters husband also wore jeans. No one had their shirts tucked in and my nephew wore dickie shorts, shirt unticked and socks up to his mid calf. It's a funeral, do they not own a suite, a tie, a belt, something?!! My H wore a suit, my dad wore a suit, my uncle wore a suit...I mean really. They were all dressed up like they were going to a BBQ. My mom wore Birkenstocks. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 excuse me? These guys were dressed like slackers and they were pallbearers?!! just goes to show, some people really are raised in barns/by wolves!!! am glad to hear that your mom behaved, sometimes people "need" that extra attention, so pay them no mind, as long as they behave within reason, you know. how are grandpa's kids handling their loss? Link to post Share on other sites
Author redfathom Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 They seem to be okay. This was expected for years, my grandpas health has been bad for a while. It is also what he wanted. Being devout (sp?) Christians they know he is in a better place and with their mother and brother. Thank you for asking!! Link to post Share on other sites
Desperado620 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Condolances on your loss, Red. Since the funeral is already said and done, there's nothing to be gained by confronting your mom and sister. There's always someone, in every family, that makes things worse than they have to be. Take comfort that you're not that person. I would concentrate on my Dad and his side of the family, they seem to realize that you're the genuine article, not mom and sis. Sorry I can't contribute much, but hope your heart is healing and all else is well. Much luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redfathom Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 Thank you Desperado. That was very sweet. You are totally right. I am learning to let go and it's very liberating. I know I can't change them so why even get upset... Thanks again!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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