My Insecurity and Paranioa.

[Ollie9]

Hello all,

 

I think I may need help, maybe your opinions will assist.

 

I am a 45 year old divorced man, I have three lovely daughters. I was divorced from my serial-adulteress wife of 22 years, 14 months ago. I am a professional person and I am quite fit for my age and sporty. I am a reasonable person and I pride myself on my honesty.

 

As background, my wife had regular 'flings' with at least five men that I know of, she even got caught in the shower with the 17 yr old boyfriend of my eldest daughter once. I took the 'easy' option to stay and I love my girls so I was not walking out on them. As an aside every single time I have had a relationship, from school through marriage to today, I have been cheated on.

 

Now I have met a fantastic person that I have fallen in love with, she has a past, but haven't we all. I love her so much and I hope that we have a great future. She has told me many times that she loves me.

 

I have a real problem dealing with her very infrequent nights-out. She is going on a girls night out on Saturday and I am getting myself into such a state worrying about her 'out there'.

 

My wife started by going out a few times, this became a regular event, even every Friday and Saturday nights coming in at 3 or 4pm regularly. Friends and family told me to stop her, how could I?

 

I used to sit and worry until I either cried or drunk myself to sleep, worrying.

 

I have absolutely no reason to believe that my new love will do that to me, I trust her, trust isn't my problem. I honestly believe that.

 

My problem is the way I will feel on Saturday whilst she is out. I feel sick already with worry that someone will chat her up and I will lose her. If not this time, next time or the time after.

 

I am so destraught at the thought that I am thinking of ending our relationship because I just can't cope. I just can't cope with the thought of losing her.

 

So I am insecure and paranoid.

 

Anyone else have any similar issues? Or provide any advice on dealing with this situation?

 

Serious answers please! ha ha.

 

Ollie

[Virgo1982]

If you truly trust her, you wouldn't worry. I'm just being honest. It's so very hard to throw your experiences out the window, but you will lose a good woman if you are insecure. Even if she doesn't know you're going throught the motions, it's not fair to you or her. It will come out in some way or another. You are not happy when you are worrying yourself to death.If she's intuitive, she will notice a change in your demeanor when she goes out. Even if she isn't you won't be happy. Please try your best to remember that every woman is not going to cheat on you. Every partner needs space. Think with your brain and not your emotions in this case.

[AAlike]

Have you shared your past experiences with her? Maybe not in huge detail, but enough that she might understand why you're coming from where you are?

[Ollie9]

Hiya, thanks for your post. I have shared everything with her, she is understanding but becoming fruastrated with my attitude. What do you think?

[Ollie9]

Hello, thanks for your post. I have explained everything to her, she is in no doubt as to how I am feeling. Thanks again.

[thrustrebel]

"I used to sit and worry until I either cried or drunk myself to sleep, worrying." - Ah alcohol, where would we be without you.

 

Make a decision my friend. There may not be an awful lot of evidence to support the existance of religion but think how many people choose to have faith and believe.

 

So make that call. Are you going to believe in her, or believe that loyalty is a work of fiction (which I must admit, spending any length of time on this forum could have anyone convinced).

 

Personally, I like to meet up with friends of my own when my girlfriend goes out. Takes my mind off the fact she's out, you know? And yes, beer definitely helps :-D

 

Remind me never to post on an AA forum ;-)

[Virgo1982]

Hiya, thanks for your post. I have shared everything with her, she is understanding but becoming fruastrated with my attitude. What do you think?

 

I think you need to find a way to lose the attitude or stay single.

No one who you would want to be with would enjoy it.

[Ollie9]

Have you ever been cheated on? Regularly, systematically? Just wondered, thanks for your response.

[Virgo1982]

Have you ever been cheated on? Regularly, systematically? Just wondered, thanks for your response.

 

I have been cheated on and for a while, my inability to let go of my fears kept me from building and maintaining a healthy relationship with others. Now I understand that everyone isn't a certian way. And if they are, then I need to find a solution.

[bones1]

We are all different.

 

I wouldn't date a woman who needs to go out with girlfriends to bars. Especially at your age.

[porter218]

Have you ever been cheated on? Regularly, systematically? Just wondered, thanks for your response.

I have. The way I deal with this is by remembering that I love myself. I may be hurt if they cheat on me but I still have my favorite companion= ME. I try not to waste too much time worrying about it because they aren't the end of the world. I am prepared to deal with any kind of disappointment, it is just a nice surprise when they don't disappoint me. That is not saying that I will put up with being cheated on again. I will leave but I know I am just fine if I do have to make that decision.

[Ollie9]

To put the record straight .....she does not go out often, it was her birthday, so she went out to see a film, a few bars and a meal. How is that wrong?

[bones1]

If you are her boyfriend and are a couple, why weren't you invited out on her birthday? You said you love each other several times etc, so it seems to be serious.

 

If you feel nothing is wrong with it, why are you worried? I would feel odd if the woman I love wanted to spend her birthday away from me and with her girlfriends.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Hi. Just a word of advice from my own experience. I am into month 10 of a serious relationship (ya finally, I've been away from here for a while). My bf's jealousy started to surface about half way through this.

 

When he cops the "attitude" I start feeling those old familiar feelings, and realized why I used to cheat. For me, in my past, my ex made me feel like crap. So why not give myself a real reason to feel that way? Now that my new bf is not trusting me sometimes (and he also has a cheating past), I can tell this feeling is very familiar. I won't cheat on him but I know the feelings are there from before. It's justifying my feelings. (I'm not asking for advice, just stating my position).

 

I say don't let her see you're feeling this way. Give her space but let her know you're thinking of her (and tell her how hot and sexy she is to you). That works for me.

[angie2443]

If you are her boyfriend and are a couple, why weren't you invited out on her birthday? You said you love each other several times etc, so it seems to be serious.

 

If you feel nothing is wrong with it, why are you worried? I would feel odd if the woman I love wanted to spend her birthday away from me and with her girlfriends.

 

This part made me wonder also. Birthdays are special, I would be hurt if my husband didn't want to share his with me or didn't want to share in mine. Why didn't she invite you? Or, if she did, why didn't you want to do something with her on her birthday?

[awesomeness43]

Wow ollie, thats exactly how i felt at the start of the relationship. Contemplating letting such a good thing go just because you dont want the potential to be hurt. I guess i only worried so much because she was the first person that had the potential to hurt me so much. She gave me every reason to trust her and no reason to doubt her but i was only so paranoid because i guess ive been with low integrity females and have gotten with females with seemingly happy relationships at clubs/bars before. =( In the end, if you trust her there should be no reason to let a good thing go due to paranoia.

[Angel1111]

Hiya, thanks for your post. I have shared everything with her, she is understanding but becoming fruastrated with my attitude. What do you think?

 

I think you realize that there a no guarantees in relationships...ever. And if you're looking for that, I can save you the suspense because it doesn't exist.

 

The best thing you can do now is tell her that you are happy to give her her freedom and that she is always free to do as she pleases. BUT, make it clear to her that you have a zero-tolerance policy for cheating and that if she ever does it, she will not get a second chance. No matter what the circumstances, no matter how she spins the story, no matter if you've just bought an 8-story mansion together and had 6 kids together - no tolerance. Period.

 

She will respect you for your strong boundaries and, if the opportunity to cheat does come up, I guarantee you that she won't even think about going there. It also sends another message to her, that you have strong morals and that she can trust you.

 

The next thing you need to do is get this concept deep into your consciousness about how you will never again tolerate cheating. Play this scenario over in your head - think about it happening and see yourself disappearing so fast that she can't get the next sentence out. Once you know where YOU stand on this, once you know that YOU have high standards that your partner must live up to, once you have established to her that YOU must be respected, then this issue about affairs will stop showing up in your life.

 

Then she can go out until the cows come home and it won't bother you one drop because there is no guesswork going on in your head about this. Send her off on her girls night out with a bright smile, a warm kiss, and tell her to have a great time.

[Ollie9]

her birthday was on the Monday and we went out etc etc etc, the night out with the girls was the following Saturday.

[Ollie9]

Thanks to everyone that tried to help. I have lost her now, not only because of my mental issues but also because my ex-wife made her life so very difficult. Abusing her and her children thru texts etc.

 

My life is over.

 

Goodbye. x

[sarcasmsaves]

Hello all,

 

I think I may need help, maybe your opinions will assist.

 

I am a 45 year old divorced man, I have three lovely daughters. I was divorced from my serial-adulteress wife of 22 years, 14 months ago. I am a professional person and I am quite fit for my age and sporty. I am a reasonable person and I pride myself on my honesty.

 

As background, my wife had regular 'flings' with at least five men that I know of, she even got caught in the shower with the 17 yr old boyfriend of my eldest daughter once. I took the 'easy' option to stay and I love my girls so I was not walking out on them. As an aside every single time I have had a relationship, from school through marriage to today, I have been cheated on.

 

Now I have met a fantastic person that I have fallen in love with, she has a past, but haven't we all. I love her so much and I hope that we have a great future. She has told me many times that she loves me.

 

I have a real problem dealing with her very infrequent nights-out. She is going on a girls night out on Saturday and I am getting myself into such a state worrying about her 'out there'.

 

My wife started by going out a few times, this became a regular event, even every Friday and Saturday nights coming in at 3 or 4pm regularly. Friends and family told me to stop her, how could I?

 

I used to sit and worry until I either cried or drunk myself to sleep, worrying.

 

I have absolutely no reason to believe that my new love will do that to me, I trust her, trust isn't my problem. I honestly believe that.

 

My problem is the way I will feel on Saturday whilst she is out. I feel sick already with worry that someone will chat her up and I will lose her. If not this time, next time or the time after.

 

I am so destraught at the thought that I am thinking of ending our relationship because I just can't cope. I just can't cope with the thought of losing her.

 

So I am insecure and paranoid.

 

Anyone else have any similar issues? Or provide any advice on dealing with this situation?

 

Serious answers please! ha ha.

 

Ollie

 

 

 

 

 

It's wonderful that after all the cheating you can still trust.

I'm dating a man who was cheated on and he has terrible trust issues.

Sit her down and tell her about your fears. Specific details are not required.

If she loves your she should try to understand and find a way to help you through it. Possibly asking you to accompany her on one of her "girls nights out"

[sarcasmsaves]

i hope someone can help. A few good ideas would help.

30 years ago I was molested by a man I trusted. Soon after he left my mother. As a child I wanted to keep my dirty little secret so mommy would still love me/

 

Guess what? He's back! He is living in my mother's home. I can't eat. I can't sleep. Work is getting tougher and tougher.

 

Now what?

[Walking away]

Thanks to everyone that tried to help. I have lost her now, not only because of my mental issues but also because my ex-wife made her life so very difficult. Abusing her and her children thru texts etc.

 

My life is over.

 

Goodbye. x

 

Tell us more....

 

And, YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER.

[Bryanp]

Why in the world would you let your ex-wife win? Please contact an attorney and get a restraining order. It is ridiculous that you have put up with such crap from your ex.

[sandrawg]

We are all different.

 

I wouldn't date a woman who needs to go out with girlfriends to bars. Especially at your age.

 

Where in his post did he say his gf was going to a bar??

 

All he said was "girls night out." That could be to the movies...could be to dinner....could be anywhere.

 

Besides, that's besides the point. He trusts her. He just needs to deal with his issues from the past.

[Untouchable_Fire]

So I am insecure and paranoid.

Anyone else have any similar issues? Or provide any advice on dealing with this situation?

Serious answers please! ha ha.

Ollie

 

Ollie, she should be more concerned with what YOUR doing Saturday night!

 

By not giving yourself something to do, your forcing yourself to obsess over her.

 

Go grab some guys and hit the bars for the evening. TRY to meet someone. Talking isn't cheating. Just go, have a good time.

 

When he cops the "attitude" I start feeling those old familiar feelings, and realized why I used to cheat. For me, in my past, my ex made me feel like crap. So why not give myself a real reason to feel that way?

 

Your advice is decent, but your personal reasoning skills seriously lack. You have a history of being a cheating ho... and he makes you that way by being insecure?