am i being a wimp?

[zoe1983]

ok so my boyfriend's father is hard to deal with to say the least. He yells and screams and throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way.

 

Example: We went out one night with a bunch of the family to celebrate my boyfriend's graduation from college at a local seafood buffet. His sister and law and his mother both asked him what he was going to get for dinner and he felt like they were badgering him so he decided not to eat anything at all because according to him..."he gets to decide when and what he wants to eat... not other people". Instead he just sat at the table and pouted for like 2 hours.Keep in mind this was after he started yelling outside of the restaurant because there was a long ass wait. Conveniently enough he went in and yelled at some waiter and magically we had a table in about ten minutes when the wait was 2 hours easy!

 

One more Example: We were hanging out at my boyfriend's house with is parents and I offered to feed the dog because my boyfriend and i were trying to leave to run a few errands. The moment i take out the can of dog food his dad gets up and says "oh i want to watch you feed him, you have to be better than my son (my boyfriend) because he totally messes it up, but i want to see what you do wrong" Once again keep in mind that our dog is very sick and although he was supposed to die before his second birthday he is now 5 years old and still going strong! In fact my boyfriend's brother was the one to buy the dog and then once he got sick he just pawned him off on my boyfriend. My boyfriend is a total animal freak so of course he took him!

 

his dad beat the **** out of him and his brother growing up and would often wake them up in the middle of the night just to yell at them or drill them on school work. He is completely disrespectful to his wife and is constantly telling her to shut up and that she is stupid. At one point in there marriage he even used to make her sleep on the floor when she was "bad".

 

So here is my problem....when i am around him i tend to keep my mouth shut. Mostly because i feel like its not my place to meddle because my boyfriend and i aren't married yet. I mean im not part of the family yet so i dont feel like i have a right to say anything about his behavior. Plus I don't think it would even help because my boyfriend's brother's wife stands up to him all the time and it does absolutely nothing but cause more crap within the family. Also, at this moment he is helping to support my boyfriend because he is going to college so i feel extra weird about saying something...

 

I'm just afraid that once we get married and are completely independent that i am going to want to say something to him and he is going to feel like im two face or something. Honestly it just totally amazes me that the rest of his family lets him behave the way he does. It also doesn't help that i have no experience with men like that, i mean my mom controls the money, the house, even what my dad freakin wears. Strong yelling violent men scare the **** out of me!!!

 

So i guess my question is...am i just using the excuse of it not being my business to avoid saying something to him or am i justified in waiting till we are married and im officially a part of the family to bring anything up????

[GPFan]

So here is my problem....when i am around him i tend to keep my mouth shut. Mostly because i feel like its not my place to meddle because my boyfriend and i aren't married yet. I mean im not part of the family yet so i dont feel like i have a right to say anything about his behavior. Plus I don't think it would even help because my boyfriend's brother's wife stands up to him all the time and it does absolutely nothing but cause more crap within the family. Also, at this moment he is helping to support my boyfriend because he is going to college so i feel extra weird about saying something...

From what you have described, no one confronts him (any longer as I am sure all have tried over the years) because, as you observed, it doesn't achieve any positive objective.

 

 

 

 

So i guess my question is...am i just using the excuse of it not being my business to avoid saying something to him or am i justified in waiting till we are married and im officially a part of the family to bring anything up????

I think you would be justified waiting forever! However, I don't think that is realistic. I suspect that once you have children, you will become a Momma Bear in protecting them from this toxic person. That would be where your energy is best spent.

 

Adults can tolerate him, children will need protecting.

[Ronni_W]

Zoe,

'ALWAYS' is a good time to say something like, "I don't like the way you are treating me" and "I don't allow people to talk to me like that." That is your responsibility to yourself, no matter your age or marital status.

 

I agree with GP that it will also be your responsibility to protect your (future) kids in the same way, or to remove them from toxic adults' presence if those adults have no self-control over their attitudes and behaviours.

 

'NEVER' is a good time to try to set those kinds of boundaries on behalf of other adults. It is your (future) grown-up husband and in-laws who must set and patrol their own boundaries for themselves. Marriage doesn't give a license to start "meddling" by becoming over-responsible for other adults.

 

 

I'm finding it 'synchronistic', though, how your fear of this type of character has drawn you into a family who is too familiar with it. Are you seeing opportunities that will allow you to uncover the source of your fear and overcome it so that you can properly stand up for your (future) kids? Hopefully your b/f has also gotten, or intends to get, therapy to overcome the negative effects of his childhood trauma so that he can also be the very best parent possible.

 

Wishing you both a long and happy life

[suzyq83]

Zoe,

'ALWAYS' is a good time to say something like, "I don't like the way you are treating me" and "I don't allow people to talk to me like that." That is your responsibility to yourself, no matter your age or marital status.

 

I agree with GP that it will also be your responsibility to protect your (future) kids in the same way, or to remove them from toxic adults' presence if those adults have no self-control over their attitudes and behaviours.

 

'NEVER' is a good time to try to set those kinds of boundaries on behalf of other adults. It is your (future) grown-up husband and in-laws who must set and patrol their own boundaries for themselves. Marriage doesn't give a license to start "meddling" by becoming over-responsible for other adults.

 

 

I'm finding it 'synchronistic', though, how your fear of this type of character has drawn you into a family who is too familiar with it. Are you seeing opportunities that will allow you to uncover the source of your fear and overcome it so that you can properly stand up for your (future) kids? Hopefully your b/f has also gotten, or intends to get, therapy to overcome the negative effects of his childhood trauma so that he can also be the very best parent possible.

 

Wishing you both a long and happy life

 

I agree with this post -- and want to add -- You know, it is so hard -- to just take your perceptions on the father and your boyfriends' perceptions on the father -- I am not saying the father is a great acting man, and maybe he is truly an abuser type. But -- the father is obviously going thru something and feeling threatened, perhaps just by his kids growing into adulthood. And I agree that NEVER is time to meddle, whether you get married or not. My son has a girlfriend who has severly altered our loving relationship as mother and son because she has meddled since day one. And has had all sorts of perceptions about me, and has basically influenced my son's mind. Now, meddling causes serious problems. If you don't want this fahter leashing his anger onto you, do not meddle. Ever. Whether married or not, I cannot imagine when I got married ever thinking I would have any right to have say in any of my husband's family. Their relationships are between them, and altho I became part of the family, their relationships are still theirs and that is as it should be. If no one is trying to make YOU do anything, in their family, don't get in there, they are lifelong bonds, and no one has the right to play with those. No one has the right to call them "toxic" either -- unless they TRULY are, but that kind of thing needs to be decided by a therapist or someone much more than just making a judgment. Just be nice to the Dad, as best you can, and when he has a fit, maybe just respond to what he needs. He is obviously having a hard time with something, or maybe he has been that way for life, but no one can change him, or anything at all. I wish you well, honestly. Sounds like a handful. But this poster I quoted is right, to look within yourself, and stand up only for yourself and use the "I" word, only.