Do men turn off their feelings easier than women?

[justine4]

I'm interested in this statement. It was written as a reply on another post and made me think how true is it really?

 

Are men able to turn off their feelings easier than women?

 

Surely it depends on the individual involved?

[roghornio]

I replied to that post and i said

 

"Not true. In fact i might hazard a guess that it's harder.

Men bottle it up. It's never really discussed with friends, it's not the "manly thing to do" ... it usually manifests itself in drunken and/or aggressive behaviour. Men just bottle it up and it goes round, and round and round their heads until at some point out it pops in usually not very pleasent behaviour.

 

You ladies can talk to your friends about it, in fact its expected of you. All your firends will tell you what a jerk the guy was and youll believ it. All guys get is oh well theres plenty more fish in the sea comment and well thats about it - your expected to just turn of and move on.

 

you'd be very suprised at how emotioanl men are but i can guarantee you will NEVER see it."

 

So the answer is no. I would guess you ladies have it a hell of a lot easier.

[northstar1]

I'm interested in this statement. It was written as a reply on another post and made me think how true is it really?

 

Are men able to turn off their feelings easier than women?

 

Surely it depends on the individual involved?

 

That's a broad generalization, not sure I agree.

 

I think men may surpress feelings outwardly and not be as emotionally expressive - but I don't think they can turn them off. Sooner or later they will present themselves, often times after a breakup.

[justine4]

I don't agree with it myself. Someone else posted the original statement and I wondered what people thought.

 

I wouldn't say women have it far easier though (delicate souls that we are! lol)

 

It does help to be able to talk to your friends, but it still doesn't change the fact that the problem is still the same - you've just broken up with a loved one...

[northstar1]

I don't agree with it myself. Someone else posted the original statement and I wondered what people thought.

 

I wouldn't say women have it far easier though (delicate souls that we are! lol)

 

It does help to be able to talk to your friends, but it still doesn't change the fact that the problem is still the same - you've just broken up with a loved one...

 

Where I think it can differ is this: When a woman is having doubts in a relationship, they will think about it for a long long time, maybe months on end - talking to friends and family - weighing their feelings. If they do decide to end things, they have likely already emotionally distanced themselves from the partner - over those months. So they can walk away, already healed for the most part.

 

Men act more impulsively - they may break up, or be fine with the breakup intially - but that's when the emotions that have been bottled up may come out and it can take a lot of guys a long time to get over it.

[carhill]

IMO, everything is balance. Men stereotypically process emotion differently than women do, mainly due to socialization. Not having been socialized stereotypically, I'm more expressive, much to my own detriment in the interpersonal relationship department. This detriment is due to, IMO, people processing an unexpected (vs the stereotype) response as contrary to their perceived norms of behavior, hence the "confused" mind says "no".

 

I could liken it to the reverse, that being a woman who's tough, somewhat abrasive, and doesn't show her tender and nurturing side often. That would be my wife

 

Personally, regardless of how it's perceived, I'm glad I turned out the way I did. Perhaps such existence is just out of time. A glimpse of the future, so to speak

 

When I get to the point in my journals of relating the beginning of disconnecting from my wife emotionally, perhaps my interpretation of the male perspective might be helpful. It's a jumble in there; the boxes are all touching, the lids are all open and everything is spilling out on the floor

 

IMO, women don't have it "easier" (they still feel the same pain during emotionally stressful times), but their expressions of emotion are IME far more accepted by society and supported by their network of friends. I dealt with this conundrum (connecting emotionally with women) during my early days here on LS, where clearly the sentiment is that men, when married or in a R, cannot have emotional connections with women other than their spouse, which leaves very few outlets for a "non-traditional" man. Women, OTOH, are unfettered in that regard, enjoying both platonic male and female friendships since they can, stereotypically, have non-sexual friendships with men as well as connect emotionally with their female friends. Men appear to be simple-minded slaves to their testosterone, so must be controlled

 

Well, anyway, have fun

[Geishawhelk]

I think, due to long social conditioning, customs and attitudes - together with the fact that maybe, we're just "wired" differently - I think men and women have different ways of expressing emotion. Not all ways, for both, are constructive and healthy, it has to be said.....

 

An example I give, of early subliminal conditioning, is to get the adults (even those without kids!) to watch the toy advertisments, on TV, aimed at children. Especially around Christmas. It's frightening to see which ads are aimed specifically at girls (all pink, high-pitched singing voices, and airy-fairy, with girls as young as six made up to look twenty years older!) and those aimed at boys (ferocious deep butch voices, growling the voice-over, with dark, sombre exciting and moody colours) and finally, the ad's generally aimed at both, (for games and the suchlike, with bold proimary colours and jolly music...)

 

If we try so hard, at this age, to categorise kids and imprint them with what we feel are stereotypical characteristics, is it any wonder boys (more than girls) play with guns, and cowboys and indians and fighting, and girls play horses and dollies (more thn boys do) and if boys do, we think there's something ...'wrong'...with them?

 

So I think men are imprinted from an early age to behave and manifest certain outward signs, and so are girls....

[carhill]

FWIW, and to complicate things further, as a child (see my avatar) I played with guns, dug in the dirt, built treehouses, blew up things and ended up working in a hot, greasy machine shop for my living. This is a perfect example of where stereotypes fail, and fail miserably, in defining singular existence.

 

IOW, the stereotypical conundrum is, in one moment, I can be doing stereotypical male tasks and approaching them in a "male" way, and then, in the next, doing "feminine" things like decorating, cooking and nurturing our cats and flowers in the garden, and not in a "male" way.

 

Perhaps this is the result of my socialization, which nurtured independent thinking and a "anarchistic" attitude towards society's and culture's traditions and norms. IMO, to be a healthy "team" player, one must have a strong sense of oneself and one's strengths and be able to go it alone (meaning both in the physical and emotional sense) when circumstances dictate. We see suggestions of this often on LS, where people are encouraged to avoid dating after a relationship ends and "work on themselves", ostensibly to become a healthy team player for the next relationship opportunity. I support this philosophy and believe its foundations are sound.

 

Topically, it took me about 2 years to "turn off" my feelings for my wife, and that was after a lot of quiet introspection and reaching out to her. MC earlier likely would have sped up the process or, perhaps, helped us (mainly me) to better reconnect in a healthy way. It is why I invariably recommend counseling to men who come to LS seeking support and advice. It can and will help them if they are open to the process.

 

OK, back to the inferno and doing "guy" things

[Trialbyfire]

Men internalize, women externalize. Having said that, if it's to do with a failed relationship, men tend to take the ego hit harder than women. Societal conditional failure reflex, I think.

[MalachiX]

"Turning off feelings" is the wrong way to put it. Everyone has some really hard times. I don't like to generalize but different groups process stuff different.

 

Some people tend to like to show everyone their drama and broadcast it. If they have any sort of crysis, it's all over the place and everyone around them is going to hear about it. I have to deal with this with so many of my actors. Others, those who have to be more level-headed, still feel the pain but they don't let on. I have a friend who went through a divorce while directing a film. He would be totally professional on the set and then go find a place to cry during breaks; making sure no one could see him. I too tend to bottle up most things. The down side to this is this is that it can really screw you up. My friend has still yet to get over his severe depression after his divorce and it's been 7 years and I had ended up randomly whining to total strangers about my all my woes a few weeks after my last relationship ended.

 

As far as men and women go, men have drilled into them that they have to be strong. We're not supposed to talk about this stuff or act weak. I have a friend, a gay one ironically, who talks to a lot of guys about this kind of stuff and their desire to avoid showing emotion. Women tend to share a lot more with each other. It's OK in a circle of friends whereas guys tend to only want to share the good stuff in their lives with their buddies and, even with those close friends one might have who you can talk seriously with, you still want to avoid really painful stuff (especially involving your love life). I remember my EX would tell her friends about EVERYTHING which I did which made her feel bad and made the relationship difficult. I, on the other hand, only talked to my close friends about issues twice, once when we almost broke up six months into it and again as the relationship was ending. It's just not something most men are comfortable with. I have one friend who, after breaking up with a GF of three years, spent the whole summer alone, not talking to anyone, and ended the experience by gathering up all the stuff his EX gave him and burning it. That's just the "guy" thing to do.

[bish]

I'm interested in this statement. It was written as a reply on another post and made me think how true is it really?

 

Are men able to turn off their feelings easier than women?

 

Surely it depends on the individual involved?

 

Yes it depends on the individual, but in general yes, I think men turn off their emotions easier.

 

And not just turn them off, but actually, and all of a sudden, have no emotions when presented with certain circumstances.

 

i.e. If a man cheats on a woman, I think most women get their feelings hurt and they really try to understand what went on and try to work things out. Their emotions are in overdrive.

 

On the other hand, most men, I believe, when cheated on, while I think they do get hurt, that hurt quickly turns into anger and they lose their feelings and emotions for her rather quickly. Like I did. Sure I was hurt, but when the moment of clarity came, I just wanted her out of my life and out of my face. At that point I didn't care about her and had no feelings.

[kizik]

As a guy I can freely say that this is all bullsh*t. I feel my emotions, I do not bottle them up, I discuss them, etc. These generalizations are stupid. If I made a thread about how women are too emotional, y'all would jump on me faster than a speeding bullet.

 

Double standards...

[carhill]

If I made a thread about how women are too emotional, y'all would jump on me faster than a speeding bullet.

 

I was going to say "stink on poop" but I digress

[Woggle]

It depends. Some men can think with their heads and not let their emotions get the best of them while other men let their emotions crush them.

[replicator]

Yeah, I have a huge problem turning off my feelings.

 

I wish I could sometimes.

 

I'd say a definite NO.

[Trialbyfire]

I can turn off my emotions, when necessary. It allows me to function better in stressful situations. You step back from what you're feeling and analyze with facts or experiences. It helps to mesh volatile emotions with rational thought, so it's easier to move on.

[northstar1]

I can turn off my emotions, when necessary. It allows me to function better in stressful situations. You step back from what you're feeling and analyze with facts or experiences. It helps to mesh volatile emotions with rational thought, so it's easier to move on.

 

share your secret!

[Trialbyfire]

share your secret!

There's no secret northstar. When you're feeling like you're swamped with emotions, you literally shut down all emotional ports and mentally step back as if you're an observer. After you've analyzed it as an observer and have come to some form of conclusion, you start opening up the emotional ports a little at a time, slowly meshing rational thought and emotion, until the emotion becomes rational thought.

 

The meshing happens over time, although the shut down can happen this second, if necessary.

[LikeCharlotte]

There's no secret northstar. When you're feeling like you're swamped with emotions, you literally shut down all emotional ports and mentally step back as if you're an observer. After you've analyzed it as an observer and have come to some form of conclusion, you start opening up the emotional ports a little at a time, slowly meshing rational thought and emotion, until the emotion becomes rational thought.

 

The meshing happens over time, although the shut down can happen this second, if necessary.

Whoa, and they told me I had PTSD. I was using a coping tool all along! And this works for the physiological effects as well? My emotional spigot is okay after all?!? I'm totally getting the rock from masters hand this time...

[Trialbyfire]

Whoa, and they told me I had PTSD. I was using a coping tool all along! And this works for the physiological effects as well? My emotional spigot is okay after all?!? I'm totally getting the rock from masters hand this time...

PTSD? That would be a subconscious suppression/denial disorder, where you get severe aftershocks from suppressed, reenacted trauma due to assorted triggers.

 

This is conscious and deliberate action. You know you're doing it and turn off and on the tap, at whatever volume you can handle, at any given time. No aftershocks or triggers are experienced.

 

I was asked to explain it, so I did.

[LikeCharlotte]

PTSD? That would be a subconscious suppression/denial disorder, where you get severe aftershocks from suppressed, reenacted trauma due to assorted triggers.

I know what it is. I have had it more than once. For those who don't know. Post traumatic stress disorder.

 

This is conscious and deliberate action. You know you're doing it and turn off and on the tap, at whatever volume you can handle, at any given time. No aftershocks or triggers are experienced.

Somehow I can do this now if need be but my therapists warned me against it. They encourage me to feel normally and let go. I wasn't being clear. I was going on gut. Sorry about that.

 

I was asked to explain it, so I did.

Always a good thing!

[Trialbyfire]

For myself, there's a time and place to feel it and then let go. If you're feeling overwhelmed, it can stall you to the point of being incapacitated, thus make crappy decisions or be trapped in indecision. This is when I find it best to use this method.

 

After you've absorbed enough so it's no longer a tsunami of emotion and only a manageable wave, this is when feeling and letting go can happen naturally.

 

I guess every therapist knows their client and what will work for them individually.

[JustinWolf]

It's too generalised. If I have emotions, it's going to show depending on the crowd I'm with. It's true sometimes I'm going to hide them. If I am sad because of a girlfriend and I'm with some guys I know(not necessarily friends) I'm going to hide that and just have a fun time or avoid even seeing them the whole day. If I'm with close friends, they are going to know but even then I'll try to not talk about it because I don't want them to stress about my issues or get them involved into something sadning instead of having a good time.

[justaman99]

As a guy I can freely say that this is all bullsh*t. I feel my emotions, I do not bottle them up, I discuss them, etc. These generalizations are stupid. If I made a thread about how women are too emotional, y'all would jump on me faster than a speeding bullet.

 

Double standards...

 

I agree. Every guy is capable of being very emotional or not and anything in between just as any woman can be the same. It's a question that doesn't have an answer as everyone is different and every situation that exposes such feelings or actions are different.

 

-Just

[Dark-N-Romantic]

If we are talking in the general sense, then, I guess (going by studies) that on average most men can turn-off their emotions much easier than most women (I personally call it compartmentalizing and giving rank of priority).

 

Now going specific, I think it depends on person and where the person places their feelings. For example, most women can easily brush off (without word even so much a word) a male and not think twice about him than a men who would exchange some kind of words (be it a nice let down or crude remark). While on the other hand most men could cold brush off a woman he just had sex with than most women could.

 

 

DNR