sixx1986 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Hello, I am new to this site and was hoping for a bit of advice? I am a MW who started an affair with my boss (who is single) 6 months ago. We agreed it was all about no strings fun and I was well aware that he had others. This was fine at first but I did start to develop feelings and I did feel envious of the others. I never made him aware of this as I knew that it wasn't what he was looking for and would probably end it. He recently told me he has met somebody and is developing strong feelings for her, it is really hurting me so I know I have to end it. I keep asking myself why he didn't develop feelings for me? He has told me that he would like to continue our affair regardless of whether he starts a relationship with this woman, but I know it has to end as it is affecting my life in a big way i.e I've lost weight, don't feel mentally healthy etc. Obviously I have to have frequent contact with him through work. Does anybody have any advice on this specific situation and any ideas on how to cope with the hurt? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Does anybody have any advice on this specific situation and any ideas on how to cope with the hurt? Yes, although you're probably not going to like the advice. You need to figure out what you were missing in your marriage that made you comfortable with seeking out this relationship with your boss, and fix THAT problem instead of focusing on your affair. What was lacking in your marriage that you started getting from your boss? What can be done to ensure that those needs are met WITHIN the marriage, instead of out? Is your H aware of the affair? Do you intend to stay married, or divorce? What's your gameplan for whichever of those two goals you're shooting for? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sixx1986 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 My H does not know about the affair and I have no plans to divorce at all. I know that people automatically assume that there are problems within the marriage and I have searched very hard for them but in my opinion we are fine - love life is still great, we have a good laugh together, communication is good. To be honest it is something that baffles me, what made me start it in the first place, the only answer I can come up with is my boss was very persuasive. Does that make sense? Thanks for your quick reply. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Hi Six1986, I think the reason he did not develop feelings for you is because he knows he cannot have you so from the get go he put you in that category of fun only, much like what a man does when he meets a woman he won't commit to but will definitely sleep and have fun with. Now that is one option, the other option is that he DID feel something for you but he supressed those feelings becuse he was afraid of getting hurt since you are married. Yes I have a lot of advice on how to cope with the hurt but you have to have a goal in mind first. So let me ask you what is your goal in terms of what you expect from him and what you expect from your self going forward. It is very hard, I know, but it will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 My H does not know about the affair and I have no plans to divorce at all. I know that people automatically assume that there are problems within the marriage and I have searched very hard for them but in my opinion we are fine - love life is still great, we have a good laugh together, communication is good. To be honest it is something that baffles me, what made me start it in the first place, the only answer I can come up with is my boss was very persuasive. Does that make sense? Thanks for your quick reply. Yet you are all torn up for a man that does not love you or even really want to be with you!?!? I don't get it, what are you getting from this love that you cannot get form your H? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Actually, it doesn't make sense. There is something...within yourself or within your marriage...that allowed you to justify cheating on your H. Unless you address that...you remain open to make this same mistake again. If your marriage has the great foundation that you describe, I'd seriously consider going to your H with the truth, and work WITH him and a marriage counselor to sort through this. It also "clears the air" and gives him the opportunity to make HIS choices on what to do with the marriage from here...with all the information. Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sixx1986 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 Yeah you're both right, I do have to address my marriage a bit more firmly - take a good look at it - I suppose that up until now I haven't properly done that. I have no intention of doing this again, I couldn't cope with hte emotional turmoil of it. With regards to my boss, I haven't told him it's over yet because he can be persuasive. He wasn't very nice to me yesterday so things are frosty at the moment. I intend to wait til the next time he asks to see me then tell him it's over. Is that the right thing to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Take an ACTIVE step on this...not a passive one. Go out of your way to tell him its over. Take charge of fixing the situation...don't let him control it any longer. Another way to ensure that it stays ended and he gets the message...tell your H the truth, and show your boss a united front that clearly gets the message across that your focusing on your marriage now, and the affair is ENDED. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sixx1986 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 I think you're possibly right about ending it definitively with him, it's something I have to do. As for telling H, I really don't think I can do that. I am frightened it destroys everything. Has anybody else got any advice on this? Does anyone think I should tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Hello, I am new to this site and was hoping for a bit of advice? I am a MW who started an affair with my boss (who is single) 6 months ago. We agreed it was all about no strings fun and I was well aware that he had others. This was fine at first but I did start to develop feelings and I did feel envious of the others. I never made him aware of this as I knew that it wasn't what he was looking for and would probably end it. He recently told me he has met somebody and is developing strong feelings for her, it is really hurting me so I know I have to end it. I keep asking myself why he didn't develop feelings for me? He has told me that he would like to continue our affair regardless of whether he starts a relationship with this woman, but I know it has to end as it is affecting my life in a big way i.e I've lost weight, don't feel mentally healthy etc. Obviously I have to have frequent contact with him through work. Does anybody have any advice on this specific situation and any ideas on how to cope with the hurt? You answered your own question...... he's single so he is open to a committed R, but NOT with a MW who is just a fling on the side........ Presumably you allowed him to think you were ALSO up for a fling for fun even though you were M. Unless you are in an open M, I think one thing you have to consider is WHY you feel it's okay to have fun with no strings on the side, and are you prepared for your H to have the same options? If not, perhaps you should consider as Owl said, just what your M situation IS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sixx1986 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 I know it's not ok, I regret it. I know I need to look into what maybe went wrong, that will prove most valuable for my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 and fwiw, please don't think your situation is "unique" - just read through some of the threads Link to post Share on other sites
Author sixx1986 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 I know I've just read through some of them myself. Listen, I only came on here for some advice, I didn't want to offend anyone. I thought it was a r/ship advice forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 What gets me is that your boss has said he's met another woman. He has strong feelings for her. Yet - he still wants to continue screwing you whilst he's seeing her -?! Sh-ave off, what a jerk! "Oh, by the way, you work for me, so I'd like to have my cake and eat it too, please!" This is really awkward... you're having an affair behind your husband's back, yet you said (inititially) that there's nothing wrong with your marriage. You said that it was all a bit of physical fun, yet you're lamenting "why didn't he develop feelings for me?" Then your boss tells you he's feeling strongly about this other woman but (repeating myself) he still wants to go on seeing you as well... Fakhmi this is a goddarned mess, woman!! Ok. You quit seeing this guy, and you quit your job, and find something else. You address your situation with your husband because -and I completely agree with Owl here - if you're having an affair - there IS already a problem! Your problems really are quite square cut, you know. You've brought all this upon yourself. Now it's up to you to repair the damage. Link to post Share on other sites
SerenityX2 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I think you're possibly right about ending it definitively with him, it's something I have to do. As for telling H, I really don't think I can do that. I am frightened it destroys everything. Has anybody else got any advice on this? Does anyone think I should tell him? Wholeheartedly agree with Owl. Yes you need to tell him Sorry it's no different advice. But you're afraid of the damage now, damage doesn't come from telling him, the damage is already done. How you deal with it is your choice. But you're kidding yourself that you have a great marraige. You don't make a conscious choice to cheat, no matter how persuasive the offer, how sexy the OM is, IF you truly love AND respect your husband. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sixx1986 Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 Ok thank you. It is quite clear cut what I have to do. I know I am totally responsible for my situation and I need to take it in hand. Thanks for all of your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I think you're possibly right about ending it definitively with him, it's something I have to do. As for telling H, I really don't think I can do that. I am frightened it destroys everything. Has anybody else got any advice on this? Does anyone think I should tell him? Yup, I think you should tell. Link to post Share on other sites
SerenityX2 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 and fwiw, please don't think your situation is "unique" - just read through some of the threads I agree with LF...what she's getting at is many come here and think that this is unique...9/10 it never is "that" unique. No, this isn't a hold hands and create validation type forum. but that's not really support, that's glossing over the problems. I know you're searching for an easy way out solution....but there is none. This forum is excellent for support if you want to really get the help, and not stick your head in the sand. Some of these people should get paid for their advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Some of these people should get paid for their advice! <holds out his hand> Ooooh, me, pick me! I'll take the first ever "LS paycheck"! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I think you're possibly right about ending it definitively with him, it's something I have to do. As for telling H, I really don't think I can do that. I am frightened it destroys everything. Has anybody else got any advice on this? Does anyone think I should tell him? yes - definitely stop the interaction with the OM. yes- tell your H! there is much work to be done for both of you and you need his participation and input to REPAIR what needs to be addressed. honesty to him will allow him to make sense of what he wants from you and the marriage. you weren't considering how frightened you would be when you acted on your infidelity and how it would destroy things when you cheated... so NOW it is time to take action to face the fact that this is what YOU have created in your life and how YOU should fix it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I know I've just read through some of them myself. Listen, I only came on here for some advice, I didn't want to offend anyone. I thought it was a r/ship advice forum. no offence taken - that's exactly what it is Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Very clear cut situation. Stop the affair. Fix yourself. Find out why fun outside of your M was okay for you. May need to find a new job. Up to you to tell your spouse, either way, you will live with the consequences of your actions whether they know or not. Don't have another affair. I can completely believe that there is nothing wrong with your marriage at the forefront of your mind. Subconsciously, you may be harboring some ill-feelings. This is what the 'fix yourself' portion will address. Its more of a "you" issue than a "marriage" issue. KWIM? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I keep asking myself why he didn't develop feelings for me? Because you are married and for him, there's NO point in developing feelings for you. He wants a fun, casual NO strings attached affair. If you can't provide that for him, he's going to look elsewhere (and apparently he already has). What I'd like to know is, what about your husband? What's wrong in your marriage, what is missing, what needs aren't being met that has made you CHOOSE to go outside of your marriage and cheat? What is it inside of you that can't talk to your husband, sort this out or divorce? Why cheat and betray him? The OM who is your boss is SCUM. He should know better than to 1)get involved with an employee, and 2) let alone a married one. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Hey WWIU!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Because you are married and for him, there's NO point in developing feelings for you. He wants a fun, casual NO strings attached affair. If you can't provide that for him, he's going to look elsewhere (and apparently he already has). What I'd like to know is, what about your husband? What's wrong in your marriage, what is missing, what needs aren't being met that has made you CHOOSE to go outside of your marriage and cheat? What is it inside of you that can't talk to your husband, sort this out or divorce? Why cheat and betray him? The OM who is your boss is SCUM. He should know better than to 1)get involved with an employee, and 2) let alone a married one. Looks like somone one actually read the opening questions and answered on that, those are some really good points WWIU. I have the same questions, why if everything is good with your H Sixx are you looking to get something from this other guy? Link to post Share on other sites
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