Any tips for a unique situation??

[Lookingforward]

Do you say the only option is to tell him owl? I'm confused. I agree with Angel about not wanting to hurt him but I have to question whether I'm more inclined to follow that advice as it is without doubt the easiest option for me.

 

With regards to boss, he is still avoiding me. He has told my colleague that due to his new relationship he has ended it with all his single "friends" and only wants to keep the married ones so no risk of anyone else expecting a r/ship. I am beginning to despise him.

 

hmmm - why ? Perhaps because he is the kind of man that thinks it's okay to have a fling with a MW, but then you WERE 'up for it' so to speak and the A with you only ended because he found someone else.

 

He is after all a single man who has a perfect right to choose a new relationship.

 

Sounds a little like some blame shifting going on there and that won't help you view your part in it and your M with a new eye.

[sixx1986]

Ok, it's been a week and a half since my first post - all advice read and taken on board, thanks everybody.

 

The situation as it stands is this: I decided not to tell my H about the A, I know I stand for some criticism in this decision but after much reflection and re-evaluating I feel I have made the right choice. I took a good look at my M after reading some of the posts on this thread and managed to determine the flaws in my R and I'm working towards putting them right.

 

With regards to OM. I have not left my job. I took 5 days holiday last week which gave me a much needed break from the working environment. Upon my return to work, my xOM was in fact there. He quizzed me immediately on what I had done with my time off to which I gave him minimal response. He has attempted a few game playing jibes towards me and I have just deflected them in, what I hope to be a friendly manner. He has not broached the subject of our A as yet, however I feel he might. If and when he does, my intention is to remind him that it is over and see what I am met with. Seeing him still stirs up feelings but the fact that I am all for my M now seems to make these feelings subside. Am I doing the right thing so far? I would appreciate any opinions. Thank you.

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't think you're doing the right thing.

 

From your posts, you give off the impression that you're playing games to win the OM's interest back.

 

If you love your H and want to stay married, you need to focus your energy on your M, not game playing with the OM.

[sixx1986]

I don't think you're doing the right thing.

 

From your posts, you give off the impression that you're playing games to win the OM's interest back.

 

If you love your H and want to stay married, you need to focus your energy on your M, not game playing with the OM.

 

Truly, I'm not playing games with OM, I am trying to remain professional at work. He is my boss so I have to be polite to him but any leading questions that he asks I am answering as shortly as I can, is that not enough? What other route do you think I could take?

 

I am focusing my energy on my M whilst I'm at home and doing my best to apply that at work by keeping my working relationship with OM to a bare minimum. Any other suggestions, I welcome all advice. Thanks GEL.

[Touche]

Sounds like you learned your lesson and you're doing fine now. Hopefully you can keep your relationship with your boss strictly business.

 

I do want to comment on one thing though. I am one of the few who believe that this affair was not necessarily a symptom of something wrong in your marriage.

 

Nothing wrong with focusing on your marriage now. That will never hurt, however my guess is that this affair had something to do with something that needs addressing with yourself...not so much with your marriage.

 

For some reason you need validation from another man other than your husband. That's what needs fixing.

 

Is it that your husband isn't affectionate enough? Or is it really something within yourself that you need to think about? I don't know.

 

I just wanted to throw that out there though. Because I'm not one to think that an affair is always all about what's going on in the marriage. Many times it's about a character flaw and nothing else.

 

Think about it.

 

Ask yourself why you need validation from another man/men? And be brutally honest with yourself.

 

I believe you can get past this.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think you're doing the right thing.

 

From your posts, you give off the impression that you're playing games to win the OM's interest back.

 

If you love your H and want to stay married, you need to focus your energy on your M, not game playing with the OM.

 

I think you are getting that impression because the feelings are there for her. But I don't think that she is trying to get his attention again since she is planning to stay married and is focusing on that.

 

I have such mixed feelings on the tell/not tell part. Part of me says don't tell if they don't know. You don't want to change the dynamics of your relationship by them now knowing that you can be duplicitous. Which in and of itself is duplicitous and not exactly honest.

 

Part of me says honesty is good, but I still wouldn't tell.

 

Knowledge that people can be deceptive should be common sense. Doesn't mean that we want our SOs to do it, but we should know its possible. Knowing about an A that is over can really ruin a decent relationship. I don't think the cheating does it by itself in some cases. Sometimes it is kinder not to tell.

 

I don't know what I would do about telling if it were me. Really depends on lots of other factors that are specific to my H's temperment and ability/willingness to forgive or accept it as in the past and work towards the future.

[lkjh]

I don't think you're doing the right thing.

 

From your posts, you give off the impression that you're playing games to win the OM's interest back.

 

If you love your H and want to stay married, you need to focus your energy on your M, not game playing with the OM.

 

I agree, 80% of her post was about the OM including the parts about her H. You can't fix a M by not being honest, It seems that your H is 3rd in your life after you and the OM and that is not right.

[lkjh]

You didn't even end it because it was wrong you ended it because he found another woman and you are jealous. Be somewhat fair to your husband and let him make some choices in his life.

[Owl]

You haven't ended the affair.

 

You haven't told your H.

 

You continue to work with the OM and see him, and your marriage still remains in a precarious situation that your H is powerless to do anything about because he's deliberately being kept in the dark.

 

I don't see a single change in anything at all from your prior posts.

 

You're not "doing the right thing"...you're not doing ANYTHING.

[GreenEyedLady]

I think you are getting that impression because the feelings are there for her. But I don't think that she is trying to get his attention again since she is planning to stay married and is focusing on that.

 

I get the impression because of how her post was worded and the fact that she is not changing her place of employment.

 

There are so many A's that are resumed because of daily contact in the workplace.

 

Also, alot of MP resume their A after a short break. The impression I got was that if the OM shows more interest for an extended period, she might resume where they left off.

 

Plus, I was involved with a MM for a long time and I just kinda see the patterns now.

 

Above all, unless both partners are aware of everything that transpires in the M, how can they even know where to begin the work? It's like trying to fix something while being blindfolded.

 

IMO

[NoIDidn't]

I have to reverse myself.

 

OWL and GEL are right. The A hasn't ended because the AP hasn't told the OM that its over. A crucial step.

 

The workplace thing isn't necessarily the worse. My H still works for the same company, but he never had to see his co-worker much to begin with being in different departments and different cities. But I can see where it is an issue for some workplaces.

 

I am off my game. I think I need a nap. LOL.

[sixx1986]

You didn't even end it because it was wrong you ended it because he found another woman and you are jealous. Be somewhat fair to your husband and let him make some choices in his life.

 

You're quite right, it did not end until he changed the goal posts, but sometimes it takes a situation like that to arise in order for you to see what's been staring you in the face and this is what's happened to me. Would it have continued had he not found somebody else? Probably, maybe, I don't know. But I am where I am.

 

So is there anybody out there who has had an A and not told their BS who can tell me their experience? I am not ruling out telling my H about the A, I would just like to hear of any similar experiences. Will I ever get over the guilt if I don't tell him? Will he ever get over the hurt if I do?

 

With regards to OM, end it conclusively? Is that the best thing to do? My only reasoning not to is that he will make things difficult at work however I can live with this if it's the only way forward. Sorry if I make little sense, my thoughts are a bit cloudy right now. Thanks everyone.

[Owl]

I'll be blunt...I'm a long-time poster on this site and others that center around marriage relationships and infidelity.

 

In four years of posting here and those other sites...I've not seen ONE marriage successfully recover where the BS was not told about the affair. Not one...

 

Is it possible? Sure...ANYTHING is possible. Is it likely? Not at all...

 

And ending it conclusively with OM...seriously...can you really and honestly see how this could possibly end if you DON'T spell it out in big, bold letters???

 

If you don't end it clearly with OM...if you don't tell your H...all you're doing is setting the stage for the affair to continue, or to resume at a later date.

 

This isn't unusual, btw. Your position on this is EXACTLY the same as nearly every other poster I've seen in your situation...this is normal. And you would be surprised at how many of those posters were AMAZED at how it went when the told the truth. Yes, it will create a massive blowout at first...but its also nearly always a major catalyst for change for the better as well.

 

For the record...I'm a fBS...formerly betrayed husband. But my 'side' in this triangle doesn't prevent me from seeing things from where you're at...on the contrary, I spent months helping my wife heal from the same kinds of things you're dealing with right now.

[sixx1986]

Owl, did you suspect that anything was going on? Sorry to ask personal questions, I understand if you don't want to answer. I have no experience of this at all and didn't even know that forums like this existed until I typed "how to cope with an affair" into the search engine. My H has no suspicions whatsoever and that is why I am reluctant to tell him. Is it that I will subconciously not put the A "to bed" if I don't tell him? I feel like I have really drawn a line beneath the A now, is that not enough? I absolutely want my M to work, 100%, but what if my telling him is detramental i.e he can't move on from it and ends our M completely? You say you helped your wife through her feelings of what I am feeling now? I'm not sure that my H would be able or willing to do that. For example, my exbf died in January and my H wouldn't allow me to go and see him at the chapel of rest due to what I can only call jealousy. This leads me to believe that he would find it difficult to work through and forgive what I have done. I know some will say that it is his right to make that choice, and rightly so, but where I stand right now, I really want my M to work.

[lkjh]

You're quite right, it did not end until he changed the goal posts, but sometimes it takes a situation like that to arise in order for you to see what's been staring you in the face and this is what's happened to me. Would it have continued had he not found somebody else? Probably, maybe, I don't know. But I am where I am.

 

Don't fool yourself it would still be going on!!! After all you aren't posting in the infidelity section you are posting in the OW section.When you started this thread you did not see yourself as a wife that betrayed her husband but more of a woman who lost a boyfriend.

 

 

With regards to OM, end it conclusively? Is that the best thing to do? My only reasoning not to is that he will make things difficult at work however I can live with this if it's the only way forward. Sorry if I make little sense, my thoughts are a bit cloudy right now. Thanks everyone.

 

I can understand being worried about your job and life but you already put those in cloudy water by taking part in this affair. Its time to stop worrying about yourself.

[lkjh]

Owl, did you suspect that anything was going on? Sorry to ask personal questions, I understand if you don't want to answer. I have no experience of this at all and didn't even know that forums like this existed until I typed "how to cope with an affair" into the search engine. My H has no suspicions whatsoever and that is why I am reluctant to tell him. Is it that I will subconciously not put the A "to bed" if I don't tell him? I feel like I have really drawn a line beneath the A now, is that not enough? I absolutely want my M to work, 100%, but what if my telling him is detramental i.e he can't move on from it and ends our M completely? You say you helped your wife through her feelings of what I am feeling now? I'm not sure that my H would be able or willing to do that. For example, my exbf died in January and my H wouldn't allow me to go and see him at the chapel of rest due to what I can only call jealousy. This leads me to believe that he would find it difficult to work through and forgive what I have done. I know some will say that it is his right to make that choice, and rightly so, but where I stand right now, I really want my M to work.

Maybe he wouldn't let you go because he feels you can't be trusted. Don't think he is completely unaware about whats going on, I' m sure he has noticed some change in you and hes just trying to process whats going on

[Lizzie60]

this guy is single.. so he didn't develop feelings for you since you were NOT available.. he knows you won't divorce...

 

You need, for your own sanity, to end it... since you're not on the same page emotionally..

 

I say wait till he asks you out and tell him you're not available anymore.. that you've changed your mind.

 

Don't be too bold about it though..he's your boss... unless you don't need a job.. (you can always look for another job)...

 

Also DO NOT tell your husband.. that was a mistake.. do not destroy your whole life for a stupid mistake..

 

Good luck.

[sixx1986]

Maybe he wouldn't let you go because he feels you can't be trusted. Don't think he is completely unaware about whats going on, I' m sure he has noticed some change in you and hes just trying to process whats going on

 

I understand what you're saying - I may hace changed a little but the A was not going on then. I do take your point though.

[sixx1986]

this guy is single.. so he didn't develop feelings for you since you were NOT available.. he knows you won't divorce...

 

You need, for your own sanity, to end it... since you're not on the same page emotionally..

 

I say wait till he asks you out and tell him you're not available anymore.. that you've changed your mind.

 

Don't be too bold about it though..he's your boss... unless you don't need a job.. (you can always look for another job)...

 

Also DO NOT tell your husband.. that was a mistake.. do not destroy your whole life for a stupid mistake..

 

Good luck.

 

This was my intention (to wait til OM asks) but I wondered if this was some sort of sub-conscious effort to wait and see if he actually does ask and then end it, rather than take the bull by the horns and just end it. Oh I'm so confused atm, but thanks for the good luck wishes.

[Lizzie60]

This was my intention (to wait til OM asks) but I wondered if this was some sort of sub-conscious effort to wait and see if he actually does ask and then end it, rather than take the bull by the horns and just end it. Oh I'm so confused atm, but thanks for the good luck wishes.

 

I say wait for him... in the meantime.. totally ignore him.. this way he will think that he's not on your mind all the time.. if you take the lead..he will know that he's got a tremendous effect on you.. that he's on your mind ... not sure if you catch my idea here.. sorry English is not my first language.

[lkjh]

this guy is single.. so he didn't develop feelings for you since you were NOT available.. he knows you won't divorce...

 

Guys do not think like that, I highly doubt he cares if you divorce or not he was just planting seeds to see who he could hook up with and he got you. He most likely never once thought about your relationship status.

 

I say wait till he asks you out and tell him you're not available anymore.. that you've changed your mind.

By doing this you give him the power and put your self at risk to giving in. I have had girls deny me at first and I later was able to get with them by changing my ways of going after them. Honestly right now he thinks he has you in the bag and he won't take you serious, he will just think you are being emotional about something. You have to firmly end it on your grounds which will also help you if your husband finds out. Don't be so damn passive in your life

 

Don't be too bold about it though..he's your boss... unless you don't need a job.. (you can always look for another job)...

 

Hew can not fire you for dumping him but you could file a suit for misconduct!

 

Also DO NOT tell your husband.. that was a mistake.. do not destroy your whole life for a stupid mistake..

 

The mistake will destroy you life and if he finds out (which is likely) you will be given no credit at all. Just think the affair was with a single man you work with and you don't think other people know? Trust me guys brag about stuff like this, Once I got drunk and slept with a married woman and I was truly ashamed but I still told a few of my friends out of guilt and now almost everyone knows. I was the only one who thought it was bad, most of my friends thought it was cool. Also I have about 3 friends that love telling about there relations with taken women

[Lizzie60]

this guy is single.. so he didn't develop feelings for you since you were NOT available.. he knows you won't divorce...

 

Guys do not think like that, I highly doubt he cares if you divorce or not he was just planting seeds to see who he could hook up with and he got you. He most likely never once thought about your relationship status.

 

I say wait till he asks you out and tell him you're not available anymore.. that you've changed your mind.

 

By doing this you give him the power and put your self at risk to giving in. I have had girls deny me at first and I later was able to get with them by changing my ways of going after them. Honestly right now he thinks he has you in the bag and he won't take you serious, he will just think you are being emotional about something. You have to firmly end it on your grounds which will also help you if your husband finds out. Don't be so damn passive in your life

 

Don't be too bold about it though..he's your boss... unless you don't need a job.. (you can always look for another job)...

 

Hew can not fire you for dumping him but you could file a suit for misconduct!

 

Also DO NOT tell your husband.. that was a mistake.. do not destroy your whole life for a stupid mistake..

 

The mistake will destroy you life and if he finds out (which is likely) you will be given no credit at all. Just think the affair was with a single man you work with and you don't think other people know? Trust me guys brag about stuff like this, Once I got drunk and slept with a married woman and I was truly ashamed but I still told a few of my friends out of guilt and now almost everyone knows. I was the only one who thought it was bad, most of my friends thought it was cool. Also I have about 3 friends that love telling about there relations with taken women

 

 

Haha.. yeah I'm sure she would file a suit against him..

[Lizzie60]

this guy is single.. so he didn't develop feelings for you since you were NOT available.. he knows you won't divorce...

 

Guys do not think like that, I highly doubt he cares if you divorce or not he was just planting seeds to see who he could hook up with and he got you. He most likely never once thought about your relationship status.

 

Some do sorry but you can't speak for ALL the men out there..

 

I say wait till he asks you out and tell him you're not available anymore.. that you've changed your mind.

 

By doing this you give him the power and put your self at risk to giving in. I have had girls deny me at first and I later was able to get with them by changing my ways of going after them. Honestly right now he thinks he has you in the bag and he won't take you serious, he will just think you are being emotional about something. You have to firmly end it on your grounds which will also help you if your husband finds out. Don't be so damn passive in your life

 

I disagree.. she will take the power back.. but I agree that she can be giving in.. she needs to be strong at that moment..

 

Don't be too bold about it though..he's your boss... unless you don't need a job.. (you can always look for another job)...

 

Hew can not fire you for dumping him but you could file a suit for misconduct!

 

Yeah sure..

 

Also DO NOT tell your husband.. that was a mistake.. do not destroy your whole life for a stupid mistake..

 

The mistake will destroy you life and if he finds out (which is likely) you will be given no credit at all. Just think the affair was with a single man you work with and you don't think other people know? Trust me guys brag about stuff like this, Once I got drunk and slept with a married woman and I was truly ashamed but I still told a few of my friends out of guilt and now almost everyone knows. I was the only one who thought it was bad, most of my friends thought it was cool. Also I have about 3 friends that love telling about there relations with taken women

 

I don't think her H will find out.. not all SOs find out.. and not all guys brag about this.. only immature azz do..

[lkjh]

 

I don't think her H will find out.. not all SOs find out.. and not all guys brag about this.. only immature azz do..

 

Most of us have our immature moments

[sixx1986]

No, you're right Lizzie, I won't be filing any lawsuits against him. Do men really not think like that then? I think maybe they do. Anyway thanks for your advice.