Any tips for a unique situation??

[lkjh]

I wasn't actually saying you should file a suit, I was just pointing out that he was more in the wrong then you are(from the employment point of view) and if you learn to stand up for your self it would be pretty hard for him to make your job difficult. It may come as a shock to the women on here but when a man thinks he is going to get some easy action we don't actually start to think about how its going to complicate the girls life. I know all of the OW on here want to believe that they are special in his eyes but the cold hard truth is most likely you are not!

[sixx1986]

I wasn't actually saying you should file a suit, I was just pointing out that he was more in the wrong then you are(from the employment point of view) and if you learn to stand up for your self it would be pretty hard for him to make your job difficult. It may come as a shock to the women on here but when a man thinks he is going to get some easy action we don't actually start to think about how its going to complicate the girls life. I know all of the OW on here want to believe that they are special in his eyes but the cold hard truth is most likely you are not!

 

No, no I understand that that is what you're saying. Tbh I agree that women do, on the whole, believe they're special in the man's eyes - what I'm suffering right now is certainly a symptom of that, he made me feel like I was the only one in the world - I bet he made them all feel like that!!

[troubadour]

Sixx1986... you don't expect you to admit it but I think that deep down you still hope that A with your boss will resume at some point and despite of what you say it does not seem that your M is your priority... just my impression based on reading your posts...

[lkjh]

No, no I understand that that is what you're saying. Tbh I agree that women do, on the whole, believe they're special in the man's eyes - what I'm suffering right now is certainly a symptom of that, he made me feel like I was the only one in the world - I bet he made them all feel like that!!

 

I know this sounds harsh but you have to stop thinking about yourself. I haven't read one thing that makes me believe that you love your H and thats fine, plenty of married people fall out of love at least once. Most of these people don't jump in bed with there boss and then feel sorry for them selves because the OM moved on. Do at least one good thing and let your H go free because you are just using him as a crutch

[sixx1986]

I know this sounds harsh but you have to stop thinking about yourself. I haven't read one thing that makes me believe that you love your H and thats fine, plenty of married people fall out of love at least once. Most of these people don't jump in bed with there boss and then feel sorry for them selves because the OM moved on. Do at least one good thing and let your H go free because you are just using him as a crutch

 

I don't feel sorry for myself, yes I am hurting, unfortunately I have no control over that; it's human nature. I know I was in control of the situation in the first place, I allowed this to happen therefore I am just "getting what I deserve" but it doesn't stop me from feeling a little hurt.

 

I do love my H and truly I'm not using him as a crutch. I know exactly what I want and that is for my M to work, I just need to work through these feelings. Is that understandable?

[Owl]

Owl, did you suspect that anything was going on? Sorry to ask personal questions, I understand if you don't want to answer. I have no experience of this at all and didn't even know that forums like this existed until I typed "how to cope with an affair" into the search engine. My H has no suspicions whatsoever and that is why I am reluctant to tell him. Is it that I will subconciously not put the A "to bed" if I don't tell him? I feel like I have really drawn a line beneath the A now, is that not enough? I absolutely want my M to work, 100%, but what if my telling him is detramental i.e he can't move on from it and ends our M completely? You say you helped your wife through her feelings of what I am feeling now? I'm not sure that my H would be able or willing to do that. For example, my exbf died in January and my H wouldn't allow me to go and see him at the chapel of rest due to what I can only call jealousy. This leads me to believe that he would find it difficult to work through and forgive what I have done. I know some will say that it is his right to make that choice, and rightly so, but where I stand right now, I really want my M to work.

 

Yes, I suspected something for about two months prior to getting the "proof". I half-heartedly tried to 'catch' her during that time...but also didn't want to believe that it was possible either. I looked for all kinds of "excuses" to avoid confronting her on the situation, because it was nearly impossible for me to believe that she would cheat on me in that fashion.

 

It wasn't until a series of events, culminating in me watching her go crazy trying to get a chat window closed without letting me see the contents ( I didn't confront...but stood over her shoulder talking with her for nearly 10 minutes) that I absolutely knew things had gone too far. At that point, it was just a matter of time and access to her computer for me to get the truth.

 

Here's the thing. You don't believe that your H suspects a thing. He might not. Or he might, but wants to believe in you and trust you...and hates himself for NOT trusting you. I've been there... Turns out the hating myself over that was just a huge waste of time and energy and emotion...because she WAS involved in an emotional affair with this guy...she was in the midst of planning how to have him meet her in person.

 

Something to consider...your H was jealous of an exbf...now...you have to consider this...apparently he's got REASON to be jealous (you've been cheating on him with OM)...can you really fault him for being jealous when you really are cheating on him? Just not with the person he suspects...

 

Your H might not want to reconcile your marriage after learning of your affair. THAT'S HIS OPTION. ITS HIS RIGHT AS A SPOUSE. You're preventing him from making that choice by not telling him about the affair.

 

If he cheated on you...it would be YOUR RIGHT TO CHOOSE if you wanted to stay married to him or not based on that knowledge...right?

 

Raises an interesting side question...if your H was cheating on you...would YOU want to reconcile? Or leave him? Something to consider...

 

Last thought...don't confuse TELLING HIM as the cause of the problem...TELLING HIM isn't the source of the conflict/issue/pain...the CHEATING was. You created the situation when you cheated...telling him just gets the situation out in the open so that it can be dealt with. Covering it up and lying by omission about it won't make it go away...won't fix it...won't fix the problems that led to it...it won't do ANYTHING but make the situation worse.

 

I've talked with guys who found out 20 years later that their wife cheated on them...for the wife...it was 20 years in the past. It was no longer an issue in their life. BUT FOR THEM...THE PAIN WAS BRAND NEW, AND IT HAD THE SAME DEVESTATION AS IF THE AFFAIR HAD JUST HAPPENED. And...it had the ADDITIONAL pain of 20 years of lies and cover up on top of it.

 

What does your H DESERVE in all of this?

 

If he cheated on you...would you want to solve the problem, or would you want him to cover it up and leave the door open to let it happen again?

[Kamikaze]

Yes, I suspected something for about two months prior to getting the "proof". I half-heartedly tried to 'catch' her during that time...but also didn't want to believe that it was possible either. I looked for all kinds of "excuses" to avoid confronting her on the situation, because it was nearly impossible for me to believe that she would cheat on me in that fashion.

 

It wasn't until a series of events, culminating in me watching her go crazy trying to get a chat window closed without letting me see the contents ( I didn't confront...but stood over her shoulder talking with her for nearly 10 minutes) that I absolutely knew things had gone too far. At that point, it was just a matter of time and access to her computer for me to get the truth.

 

Here's the thing. You don't believe that your H suspects a thing. He might not. Or he might, but wants to believe in you and trust you...and hates himself for NOT trusting you. I've been there... Turns out the hating myself over that was just a huge waste of time and energy and emotion...because she WAS involved in an emotional affair with this guy...she was in the midst of planning how to have him meet her in person.

 

Something to consider...your H was jealous of an exbf...now...you have to consider this...apparently he's got REASON to be jealous (you've been cheating on him with OM)...can you really fault him for being jealous when you really are cheating on him? Just not with the person he suspects...

 

Your H might not want to reconcile your marriage after learning of your affair. THAT'S HIS OPTION. ITS HIS RIGHT AS A SPOUSE. You're preventing him from making that choice by not telling him about the affair.

 

If he cheated on you...it would be YOUR RIGHT TO CHOOSE if you wanted to stay married to him or not based on that knowledge...right?

 

Raises an interesting side question...if your H was cheating on you...would YOU want to reconcile? Or leave him? Something to consider...

 

Last thought...don't confuse TELLING HIM as the cause of the problem...TELLING HIM isn't the source of the conflict/issue/pain...the CHEATING was. You created the situation when you cheated...telling him just gets the situation out in the open so that it can be dealt with. Covering it up and lying by omission about it won't make it go away...won't fix it...won't fix the problems that led to it...it won't do ANYTHING but make the situation worse.

 

I've talked with guys who found out 20 years later that their wife cheated on them...for the wife...it was 20 years in the past. It was no longer an issue in their life. BUT FOR THEM...THE PAIN WAS BRAND NEW, AND IT HAD THE SAME DEVESTATION AS IF THE AFFAIR HAD JUST HAPPENED. And...it had the ADDITIONAL pain of 20 years of lies and cover up on top of it.

 

What does your H DESERVE in all of this?

 

If he cheated on you...would you want to solve the problem, or would you want him to cover it up and leave the door open to let it happen again?

 

OWL,

 

While I really do respect your opinion, and I understand where you are coming from, I disagree with your position on this one.

 

Not ever situation warrants tell the BS. My therapist agrees. If the person individual has ended the affair, and truely is remorseful, it is not always necessary to hurt the BS by telling. All this does is release all the guilt that the AP has bottled-up.

 

In my situtation - as you may know - I have chosen not to tell my H. If I decide to strike out on my own I may tell him at that time but, until then I will suffer the hurt myself. If he finds out later on then I will have to deal with that then. But, right now, when emotions are high and clear thinking is not a daily (or hourly) fuction, I am going to keep my hurt to myself.

 

I read everything you post OWL - and, I respect your words and experience. I, however, just believe that all situations do not warrant the same method of action.

 

Respectfully

Kami

[lkjh]

I don't feel sorry for myself, yes I am hurting, unfortunately I have no control over that; it's human nature. I know I was in control of the situation in the first place, I allowed this to happen therefore I am just "getting what I deserve" but it doesn't stop me from feeling a little hurt.

 

I do love my H and truly I'm not using him as a crutch. I know exactly what I want and that is for my M to work, I just need to work through these feelings. Is that understandable?

 

No it really isn't because your actions go against this. I could be wrong but someone who loves there H doesn't do the things you have done and then crave attention from the OM. Most of all you still disrespect him by making decisions in his life for him. I highly doubt he has been happy through this M and then you do this to him. You already hinted that he doesn't trust you and there must be some reason for it. I'm sorry but you strike me as a self centered person.

[GreenEyedLady]

In my situtation - as you may know - I have chosen not to tell my H. If I decide to strike out on my own I may tell him at that time but, until then I will suffer the hurt myself. If he finds out later on then I will have to deal with that then. But, right now, when emotions are high and clear thinking is not a daily (or hourly) fuction, I am going to keep my hurt to myself.

 

Respectfully

Kami

 

How can you be remorseful if you've been with the same MM for 29 years and this is your 2nd H?

 

I think your reasons for not telling your H have more to do with you hoping your MM will contact you in the near future and not because you don't want to hurt your H.

 

I am also wondering why would you wait until you strike out on your own before you tell your H? That really sounds just plain mean. Like "Ha, ha I had an affair now I'm leaving you!?" Does it occur to you that that could destroy him?

 

The real reason for not telling your H is so that you don't have to face consequences.

 

Let's keep it real here.

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

If he cheated on you...it would be YOUR RIGHT TO CHOOSE if you wanted to stay married to him or not based on that knowledge...right?

 

Last thought...don't confuse TELLING HIM as the cause of the problem...TELLING HIM isn't the source of the conflict/issue/pain...the CHEATING was. You created the situation when you cheated...telling him just gets the situation out in the open so that it can be dealt with. Covering it up and lying by omission about it won't make it go away...won't fix it...won't fix the problems that led to it...it won't do ANYTHING but make the situation worse.

 

I've talked with guys who found out 20 years later that their wife cheated on them...for the wife...it was 20 years in the past. It was no longer an issue in their life. BUT FOR THEM...THE PAIN WAS BRAND NEW, AND IT HAD THE SAME DEVESTATION AS IF THE AFFAIR HAD JUST HAPPENED. And...it had the ADDITIONAL pain of 20 years of lies and cover up on top of it.

 

What does your H DESERVE in all of this?

 

If he cheated on you...would you want to solve the problem, or would you want him to cover it up and leave the door open to let it happen again?

 

Owl, I totally agree with what you've written here. I wouldn't want to be in a M where I didn't have all the information. How can it be an equal R any other way?

[Owl]

OWL,

 

While I really do respect your opinion, and I understand where you are coming from, I disagree with your position on this one.

 

Not ever situation warrants tell the BS. My therapist agrees. If the person individual has ended the affair, and truely is remorseful, it is not always necessary to hurt the BS by telling. All this does is release all the guilt that the AP has bottled-up.

 

In my situtation - as you may know - I have chosen not to tell my H. If I decide to strike out on my own I may tell him at that time but, until then I will suffer the hurt myself. If he finds out later on then I will have to deal with that then. But, right now, when emotions are high and clear thinking is not a daily (or hourly) fuction, I am going to keep my hurt to myself.

 

I read everything you post OWL - and, I respect your words and experience. I, however, just believe that all situations do not warrant the same method of action.

 

Respectfully

Kami

 

 

Kami-

 

That's cool...I can agree to disagree.

 

We have a different take on this...and that's fine.

 

We'll both offer our advice, and let the poster work out whatever their choice is at the end of the day.

 

Nothing to it.

 

I appreciate the very courteous way that you disagreed with me too, btw. Rare bit of maturity that you don't often see on LS. Thank you!

[Owl]

Owl, I totally agree with what you've written here. I wouldn't want to be in a M where I didn't have all the information. How can it be an equal R any other way?

 

I have to agree with you, GEL. That's why I offer the advice I do. But I also have to give props to Kami for disagreeing in a very polite and non-combative way.

[Kamikaze]

Kami-

 

That's cool...I can agree to disagree.

 

We have a different take on this...and that's fine.

 

We'll both offer our advice, and let the poster work out whatever their choice is at the end of the day.

 

Nothing to it.

 

I appreciate the very courteous way that you disagreed with me too, btw. Rare bit of maturity that you don't often see on LS. Thank you!

 

 

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Thanks OWL! We are all writing from a very emotional perspective about very personal and hurtful situations. It is easy to become angry and mean when one reads something that goes against one's grain. I believe, however, that if we are here to help one another (and I know many have helped me) then, I feel we have a responsibility to at least act like adults. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR]

Kami

[Kamikaze]

How can you be remorseful if you've been with the same MM for 29 years and this is your 2nd H?

 

I think your reasons for not telling your H have more to do with you hoping your MM will contact you in the near future and not because you don't want to hurt your H.

 

I am also wondering why would you wait until you strike out on your own before you tell your H? That really sounds just plain mean. Like "Ha, ha I had an affair now I'm leaving you!?" Does it occur to you that that could destroy him?

 

The real reason for not telling your H is so that you don't have to face consequences.

 

Let's keep it real here.

 

GEL

 

GEL,

 

You are correct! I do have hopes that my MM will contact me - but, I also know that what we once had is over. He made that decision - I did not get a vote.

 

Outside of that fact, I know that there is something not right in my marriage, needs my H cannot fill. So, I must decide if I am willing to live without those needs being met or move on.

 

If were just a matter of facing the consequences I would have already told him - there is a great deal more too it than what would happen to me!

 

Kami

[Owl]

Kami-

 

Here's the REAL kicker of a question for you to consider...

 

Is it fair (or right, or acceptable) to have those needs met by an OM without your H's consent and/or agreement?

 

If you decide that not having those needs met in your marriage isn't sufficient to cause you to seek divorce, do you intend to continue on with OM or another OM to have them met? Or do you intend to seek out ways to have them met within the marriage? What would your 'plan' here be?

[sixx1986]

No it really isn't because your actions go against this. I could be wrong but someone who loves there H doesn't do the things you have done and then crave attention from the OM. Most of all you still disrespect him by making decisions in his life for him. I highly doubt he has been happy through this M and then you do this to him. You already hinted that he doesn't trust you and there must be some reason for it. I'm sorry but you strike me as a self centered person.

 

I can understand why you say that somebody who loves their H wouldn't do this but I do love him, I have just made bad choices, that doesn't mean I don't love him. I believe he is happy in our M. The situation I talked about before, which you may have misconstrued, was when an xBF (whom I hadn't seen for 8 years [long before me and H met]) died and he wouldn't allow me to see his body at the chapel of rest. This was long before the A started. All I'm trying to say is that he is quite a jealous person so I don't think he would work through this.

 

I understand why you think I'm self-centred; I probably am right now, but all I can say is I'm trying my best to make the best of a bad situation. Thanks for all the words of advice, it's helped me a lot.

[Owl]

OWL,

 

While I really do respect your opinion, and I understand where you are coming from, I disagree with your position on this one.

 

Not ever situation warrants tell the BS. My therapist agrees. If the person individual has ended the affair, and truely is remorseful, it is not always necessary to hurt the BS by telling. All this does is release all the guilt that the AP has bottled-up.

 

In my situtation - as you may know - I have chosen not to tell my H. If I decide to strike out on my own I may tell him at that time but, until then I will suffer the hurt myself. If he finds out later on then I will have to deal with that then. But, right now, when emotions are high and clear thinking is not a daily (or hourly) fuction, I am going to keep my hurt to myself.

 

I read everything you post OWL - and, I respect your words and experience. I, however, just believe that all situations do not warrant the same method of action.

 

Respectfully

Kami

 

Kami, I wanted to talk a little more about your situation, and thought it applied to the OP's situation as well.

 

First thing...you mention that you don't think every situation warrants telling the BS...and that your therapist agrees. Something to consider...therapists (individual counselors) are NOT focused on rebuilding the marriage. They're focused SOLELY on the client/patient that came to them for help. In other words, your therapist might well feel that not telling is the right course of action for you...but that doesn't negate that its the right course of action for your marriage, or for your husband. Your therapist isn't concerned with healing your marriage, or with what's "right" for your husband...ALL he's paid to care about is what he thinks is right for you, as an individual.

 

This is why I personally don't normally recommend ICs for WS's as part of the recovery from an affair. Because the guidance they get from the IC is often completely contradictory to the advice that the MC gives the COUPLE. Differing GOALS lead to conflicting advice. And (take this with a grain of salt please)...WS's will typically look for ANY kind of justification that they can to support continuing the affair or avoid facing the consequences of the affair. Doing so HURTS...and often an IC will counsel against it because it will delay that person's INDIVIDUAL recovery...which may well be required to permit the MARRIAGE to recover. See where I'm going?

 

Telling the BS does a lot more than just release your guilt. But...before I go there...lets not underestimate the value of releasing that guilt. Releasing that guilt is a HUGE first step towards recovery. Its a critical requirement in order to forgive yourself for what you've done. Its not a bad thing...its a GOOD thing.

 

But...telling the BS is what sets the stage for TRUE personal recovery as well as marital recovery. Once the truth is out there, then the real work can be done to allow both parties to recognize their part in things, make amends towards each other, rebuild destroyed communication channels, and move forward in their lives...potentially with a much improved marriage based off of a whole new level of honesty and communication.

 

If you never tell him...he'll never have the opportunity to forgive you. He'll never understand what went on in that part of your life, in that part of your marriage. He very well may know that SOMETHING is going on...but without that critical bit of knowledge, he remains powerless to do anything to rectify the situation. Powerless to help you heal...powerless to make decisions concerning his own life and marriage. All he can do is sit there helplessly wondering what in the heck is going on while you're fighting to break off contact with OM (or resume it)...and/or making choices that affect the marriage and both of your lives.

 

I honestly can't envision a single time when the BS shouldn't be told. Point blank...even if he's abusive, or likely to divorce as soon as he finds out. If he's that horrible (abusive, drug addicted, personality disorder, whatever)...he deserves to know the truth. If he IS that kind of person...then the truth needs to be brought out in the open, and safegaurds need to be put in place to protect the WS...and that might well mean the end of the marriage. But hey...if he's that dangerous/whatever...that's probably going to be the REAL reason why the marriage ends in the first place.

 

You still following me?

 

Can you give me one solid situation where the BS shouldn't be told that isn't centered around the WS's desire to keep it secret and/or avoid the consequences of their choice to cheat? Honest question...

[White Flower]

 

Can you give me one solid situation where the BS shouldn't be told that isn't centered around the WS's desire to keep it secret and/or avoid the consequences of their choice to cheat? Honest question...

Hi Owl, since Kami seems busy at the moment I'd like to chime in. I understand exactly what you mean regarding the differences between IC and MC for a CS/BS. But there can be damaging affects for a CS going to a MC just as well.

 

My exMM was talked into going to a MC WITH his W. He could not open up about everything because she was there. He was basically 'patrolled' by the <insert name of church and their counselor> to stay in the M. ExMM stayed in the M, and eventually began to wander again, finding me.

 

I wish he'd gotten the IC, told ALL, including his childhood trauma, and dealt with his ways completely with a counselor he trusted would never tell a soul including his W. He may have ended up a happily married man to this day, or he may have D'd and became free to pursue true love. But he did what he was forced to do, and now many of us are hurting.

 

He would always tell me that if she could find happiness on her own he would have no problem divorcing her. Fact is, I think it would hurt him because he is really comfortable right where he is. Someone could easily tell her of his exploits and she would certainly divorce him (that is what he claims), but then everyone would know his secrets and she would come out smelling like a rose and he would be banished (as he believes, anyway). It comes down to cowardice and comfort.

 

It is this cowardice and comfort that prevents one or the other from honestly expressing themselves in front of their partner during MC. Perhaps doing both IC and MC would be the best thing?

 

ps

If the W knew what I knew she would die of a heart attack. It would be kinder not to tell her. I have imagined approaching one of his kids and asking how they think she would handle it, but I don't know them nor how they would handle it. I say let them have their life as they know it.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Hello, I am new to this site and was hoping for a bit of advice?

 

I am a MW who started an affair with my boss (who is single) 6 months ago. We agreed it was all about no strings fun and I was well aware that he had others. This was fine at first but I did start to develop feelings and I did feel envious of the others. I never made him aware of this as I knew that it wasn't what he was looking for and would probably end it. He recently told me he has met somebody and is developing strong feelings for her, it is really hurting me so I know I have to end it. I keep asking myself why he didn't develop feelings for me? He has told me that he would like to continue our affair regardless of whether he starts a relationship with this woman, but I know it has to end as it is affecting my life in a big way i.e I've lost weight, don't feel mentally healthy etc. Obviously I have to have frequent contact with him through work. Does anybody have any advice on this specific situation and any ideas on how to cope with the hurt?

 

Wow. Another married woman wounded because she chose to step outside the boundaries of marriage for her fun. Well, this is the reason why you are feeling the pain...YOU WERE WRONG. I also had to stop myself from laughing because you are upset with your boss because you let him have free reign at the cookie jar and now that it is time for dinner, he doesn't want to stay. You didn't end it because he was hurting you, you ended it to save face. I don't know what is wrong with your marriage and why you think it is right to bring others into the marriage with your activities, but there is a price for mocking a contract, a promise, a vow, a convent. At least you should be glad that only your feelings got hurt and not you or anyone else because of your actions.

 

I have some advice...STOP BEING AN ADULTERESS! Stop feeling sorry for the fact your casual fun turned into something more and that the other person who is as equally wrong chose to be with a woman who have no attachment. You also need to leave him alone. You need to leave that workplace, have no contact with him and figure out how did you stoop so low, what you need to get your self back to the honorable woman I hope you started out as, and figure out what the marriage means to you.

 

 

DNR

[Kamikaze]

Kami-

 

Here's the REAL kicker of a question for you to consider...

 

Is it fair (or right, or acceptable) to have those needs met by an OM without your H's consent and/or agreement?

 

If you decide that not having those needs met in your marriage isn't sufficient to cause you to seek divorce, do you intend to continue on with OM or another OM to have them met? Or do you intend to seek out ways to have them met within the marriage? What would your 'plan' here be?

 

All great questions OWL! I will see if I can respond. As it stands today the relationship with the OM is over. We are in NC -even though I have created a couple of ways for him to contact me I really do not think he will.

 

As far as my H - it is not in his personality to be able to meet my needs. So, more than likely, I will divorce. Other than this OM, I have not been with nor will I be with an OM outside of a marriage or relationship - EVER!

 

My current plan is to be alone for a while and find out what it is that I really do need. If I don't know myself - for certain - I can not tell anyone else. This whole episode has changed me - I am not sure who I am any more.

 

Kami

[Owl]

Its not surprising that you feel this situation has changed you, Kami. I heard very similar comments from my wife during/shortly after her affair as well.

 

In her case, over time...she decided that it wasn't a permanent change. She looks back on it now as "temporary insanity". LOL!!

 

I can understand and even believe that it might not be "in his nature" for your H to meet your needs.

 

You feel that this situation has changed you. As a BH, I can tell you that I've seen MANY BH's who were changed by their wive's choice to have an affair. It might BECOME part of his nature to meet your needs if he knows the full scope and opts to reconcile the marriage.

 

Or...honestly...it might not as well.

 

But there's only one way to find out.

 

That's to let him make that choice. Make him completely and fully aware of where you're at in things...and either opt to divorce or reconcile from there.

 

But sitting in a hold pattern waiting to see if OM will contact you or not...not good for you, not good for your H...not good for anyone, really.

 

Make sense?

 

And thanks for the response, btw.

[Kamikaze]

Kami, I wanted to talk a little more about your situation, and thought it applied to the OP's situation as well.

 

First thing...you mention that you don't think every situation warrants telling the BS...and that your therapist agrees. Something to consider...therapists (individual counselors) are NOT focused on rebuilding the marriage. They're focused SOLELY on the client/patient that came to them for help. In other words, your therapist might well feel that not telling is the right course of action for you...but that doesn't negate that its the right course of action for your marriage, or for your husband. Your therapist isn't concerned with healing your marriage, or with what's "right" for your husband...ALL he's paid to care about is what he thinks is right for you, as an individual.

 

<Kami> I understand and believe that I need to work on me right now. If I don't know myself what is wrong I can't tell my H.

 

This is why I personally don't normally recommend ICs for WS's as part of the recovery from an affair. Because the guidance they get from the IC is often completely contradictory to the advice that the MC gives the COUPLE. Differing GOALS lead to conflicting advice. And (take this with a grain of salt please)...WS's will typically look for ANY kind of justification that they can to support continuing the affair or avoid facing the consequences of the affair. Doing so HURTS...and often an IC will counsel against it because it will delay that person's INDIVIDUAL recovery...which may well be required to permit the MARRIAGE to recover. See where I'm going?

 

<Kami> Yes, I do understand.

 

Telling the BS does a lot more than just release your guilt. But...before I go there...lets not underestimate the value of releasing that guilt. Releasing that guilt is a HUGE first step towards recovery. Its a critical requirement in order to forgive yourself for what you've done. Its not a bad thing...its a GOOD thing.

 

But...telling the BS is what sets the stage for TRUE personal recovery as well as marital recovery. Once the truth is out there, then the real work can be done to allow both parties to recognize their part in things, make amends towards each other, rebuild destroyed communication channels, and move forward in their lives...potentially with a much improved marriage based off of a whole new level of honesty and communication.

 

If you never tell him...he'll never have the opportunity to forgive you. He'll never understand what went on in that part of your life, in that part of your marriage. He very well may know that SOMETHING is going on...but without that critical bit of knowledge, he remains powerless to do anything to rectify the situation. Powerless to help you heal...powerless to make decisions concerning his own life and marriage. All he can do is sit there helplessly wondering what in the heck is going on while you're fighting to break off contact with OM (or resume it)...and/or making choices that affect the marriage and both of your lives.

 

I honestly can't envision a single time when the BS shouldn't be told. Point blank...even if he's abusive, or likely to divorce as soon as he finds out. If he's that horrible (abusive, drug addicted, personality disorder, whatever)...he deserves to know the truth. If he IS that kind of person...then the truth needs to be brought out in the open, and safegaurds need to be put in place to protect the WS...and that might well mean the end of the marriage. But hey...if he's that dangerous/whatever...that's probably going to be the REAL reason why the marriage ends in the first place.

 

You still following me?

 

<Kami> Completely!!

 

Can you give me one solid situation where the BS shouldn't be told that isn't centered around the WS's desire to keep it secret and/or avoid the consequences of their choice to cheat? Honest question...

 

 

I respect your question OWL! I personally believe that telling "my H" would be selfish on my part. I also believe that my H is capable of physical harm to the OM. I just cannot find anything good coming out of my telling. My H's ego could not handle the truth and I believe knowing would destroy him.

[Owl]

What would finding out years down the road do to your H's ego?

 

Would the damage to his ego be more or less if you told him now vs him finding out from someone else at a later date?

 

I grant there could be a risk to OM as well...there's a whole story about that "risk" in my case. My wife was TERRIFIED about what I might do or have done to OM. He laughed it all off...but of course, he didn't have all the information either.

 

But again, isn't that risk something that was taken as a result of the affair??? Rather than a risk created by telling...because there are likely all kinds of ways that your H might find out without you telling him.

 

Take it from someone who's been in your H's shoes...I really don't think that not telling him is doing him any favors, and I HIGHLY doubt that he'd feel that it was either.

 

Do you think he'd want to know, if he could? Or would he rather that you lied and kept it hidden from him?

 

As a BH, to me 'not telling' seems more selfish than telling. Can you see that?

 

Again, please don't take offense to this.

[Kamikaze]

Its not surprising that you feel this situation has changed you, Kami. I heard very similar comments from my wife during/shortly after her affair as well.

 

In her case, over time...she decided that it wasn't a permanent change. She looks back on it now as "temporary insanity". LOL!!

 

I can understand and even believe that it might not be "in his nature" for your H to meet your needs.

 

You feel that this situation has changed you. As a BH, I can tell you that I've seen MANY BH's who were changed by their wive's choice to have an affair. It might BECOME part of his nature to meet your needs if he knows the full scope and opts to reconcile the marriage.

 

Or...honestly...it might not as well.

 

But there's only one way to find out.

 

That's to let him make that choice. Make him completely and fully aware of where you're at in things...and either opt to divorce or reconcile from there.

 

But sitting in a hold pattern waiting to see if OM will contact you or not...not good for you, not good for your H...not good for anyone, really.

 

Make sense?

 

And thanks for the response, btw.

 

Thank you for asking. It does indeed help me to sort through my thoughts.

 

First, my H is 20 years older - the sexual nature of our relationship is all but gone - for many reasons. My H is not an intimate person - does not like touchy-feely, or anything else which requires tenderness.

 

My H has very different family values than I do - he has not talked to his own children in almost 15 years - and could careless if he ever did.

 

The older I get the more in tune I become with family and friends - he wants nothing to do with either and when I spend time with my family and friends he becomes very angry and distant.

 

We do talk - often - about what and how I am feeling. He just does not understand - or, does not want to.

 

I could go on and on but I really see no point. Just let me say that there are too many significant differences between us. I have always replaced what I was not getting with work and/or the OM. Now the OM is gone and I am trying to decide if I stay and meet my own needs or leave and meet my own needs. I don't see anyone else in the picture - now or in the future.

 

Kami

[whichwayisup]

Kami, if you have this much confusion inside you, please seek out counselling to help you make the better choice for you.

 

Your H sounds set in his ways, but have you actually told him that you want out of the marriage? Maybe he'll change his tune once he knows how far you've gone (cheated) and aren't sure if you want to be with him anymore. Allow him that chance, to either decide yes he will work harder, put in more effort, or maybe he's just as miserable and wants out too.