Any tips for a unique situation??

[Kamikaze]

What would finding out years down the road do to your H's ego?

 

Would the damage to his ego be more or less if you told him now vs him finding out from someone else at a later date?

 

I grant there could be a risk to OM as well...there's a whole story about that "risk" in my case. My wife was TERRIFIED about what I might do or have done to OM. He laughed it all off...but of course, he didn't have all the information either.

 

But again, isn't that risk something that was taken as a result of the affair??? Rather than a risk created by telling...because there are likely all kinds of ways that your H might find out without you telling him.

 

Take it from someone who's been in your H's shoes...I really don't think that not telling him is doing him any favors, and I HIGHLY doubt that he'd feel that it was either.

 

Do you think he'd want to know, if he could? Or would he rather that you lied and kept it hidden from him?

 

As a BH, to me 'not telling' seems more selfish than telling. Can you see that?

 

Again, please don't take offense to this.

 

Absolutely no offense taken. My H has been on the otherside of this coin in his first marriage - this is his 3rd.

 

If I decide not to divorce - I would hope that "we" could first focus on the problems that we have - not the A. This would NOT be the case if he knew of the A.

 

Kami

[Kamikaze]

Kami, if you have this much confusion inside you, please seek out counselling to help you make the better choice for you.

 

Your H sounds set in his ways, but have you actually told him that you want out of the marriage? Maybe he'll change his tune once he knows how far you've gone (cheated) and aren't sure if you want to be with him anymore. Allow him that chance, to either decide yes he will work harder, put in more effort, or maybe he's just as miserable and wants out too.

 

I am in counselling and I have also told him that I am considering divorce. Very little response from him on either. We also tried MC several years ago and he felt the time and money was a complete waste.

[whichwayisup]

Kam, if you want response you need to tell it all. See, he has NO clue and if you want something to happen, to either get your marriage back on track or for it to end, tell him about the affair. You don't have to tell him who the OM is, if you're scared he'll do something dangerous.

[Owl]

If I decide not to divorce - I would hope that "we" could first focus on the problems that we have - not the A. This would NOT be the case if he knew of the A.

 

I can see that. And I agree...I don't see any way that you COULD focus on the 'other issues' if the affair was known.

 

But here's the crux...I don't think YOU can focus on those other issues while the affair is "ongoing", or "still pending". Or even while you're still in the "withdrawl phase".

 

Your focus would be on the affair, on OM. Your judgement would be impaired by your view of your relationship with OM, when looking at your marriage relationship.

 

I hear what you're saying about the differences between you and your H. And I'd say that this is probably going to boil down to a basic look at what the minimum you're willing to accept in the relationship is. Knowing about the affair could be the "last straw" for him, or it could be a calalyst for change for him.

 

Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions. I wish you the best of luck!

[Kamikaze]

I can see that. And I agree...I don't see any way that you COULD focus on the 'other issues' if the affair was known.

 

But here's the crux...I don't think YOU can focus on those other issues while the affair is "ongoing", or "still pending". Or even while you're still in the "withdrawl phase".

 

Your focus would be on the affair, on OM. Your judgement would be impaired by your view of your relationship with OM, when looking at your marriage relationship.

 

I hear what you're saying about the differences between you and your H. And I'd say that this is probably going to boil down to a basic look at what the minimum you're willing to accept in the relationship is. Knowing about the affair could be the "last straw" for him, or it could be a calalyst for change for him.

 

Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions. I wish you the best of luck!

 

Thank you OWL. As I have siad before and have told others - I sincerely appreciate your viewpoint. I never mind being made to look at myself from the inside out. You are correct - I am trying to decide what the minimum is that I can accept. And then there is this - If it took my affair as the last straw for him to change - then do I really want to continue the marriage?

 

Kami

[whichwayisup]

If it took my affair as the last straw for him to change - then do I really want to continue the marriage?

 

But that might be the firecracker lit under his @ss to get him moving. See, you have the full picture here, he doesn't. Even you say the D word, he doesn't know about the A.

 

Could I be wrong in one sense here? But it seems that another reason why you don't want him to know about the A is because you'll lose all the control. He'll be calling the shots on whether or not he wants to stay married to you, or give you chance to prove yourself. By not telling him, you hold all the cards.

[Owl]

WWIU has it right about the "firecracker" thing.

 

He doesn't have all the information. He also CLEARLY doesn't understand the sheer DIRENESS of the need for changes.

 

He doesn't realize that if he doesn't make these changes, you're going to leave him for someone else.

 

Even if you've told him that...he's not getting it.

 

Learning about the affair will FORCE him to 'get it'.

 

Remember...men don't communicate about emotions the same way that women do. Its a COMMON outcome of affairs that they lead to long term changes in the BS's behaviors. And they nearly all say that they didn't realize that things were "that bad" until the affair happened.

 

Make sense?

[whichwayisup]

Most people don't change unless they absolutely have to. Or they hit rock bottom, which ever comes first..

[Owl]

Most people don't change unless they absolutely have to. Or they hit rock bottom, which ever comes first..

 

And learning about their spouse's affair usually accomplishes both at the same time.

[Kamikaze]

But that might be the firecracker lit under his @ss to get him moving. See, you have the full picture here, he doesn't. Even you say the D word, he doesn't know about the A.

 

Could I be wrong in one sense here? But it seems that another reason why you don't want him to know about the A is because you'll lose all the control. He'll be calling the shots on whether or not he wants to stay married to you, or give you chance to prove yourself. By not telling him, you hold all the cards.

 

I do not disagree that I have taken control of the current situation -perhaps because I feel so out of control with regards to the OM. The OM made the decision and I did not get a vote.

 

As for my marriage, if I believed for one second that my H would leave or want out of our marriage I would tell him just so my decision would be made for me. But, I honestly believe that telling my H would do nothing but hurt him, destroy his ego, and add to the physical and emotional problems that are already there.

 

Kami

[Kamikaze]

WWIU has it right about the "firecracker" thing.

 

He doesn't have all the information. He also CLEARLY doesn't understand the sheer DIRENESS of the need for changes.

 

He doesn't realize that if he doesn't make these changes, you're going to leave him for someone else.

 

Even if you've told him that...he's not getting it.

 

Learning about the affair will FORCE him to 'get it'.

 

Remember...men don't communicate about emotions the same way that women do. Its a COMMON outcome of affairs that they lead to long term changes in the BS's behaviors. And they nearly all say that they didn't realize that things were "that bad" until the affair happened.

 

Make sense?

 

Again, I ask - why do I want to even be with a man where I had to have an A in order to get him to realize anything?

 

Kami

[Owl]

Well, of course that choice is up to you.

 

Let me ask you something...do you consider ME to be a pretty perceptive, well-rounded emotionally kind of guy?

 

I ask, because even I had some level of this myself.

 

I had to change some of my behaviors...minor changes, I assure you! LOL...but still.

 

In reality...it doesn't matter if it took the affair or not to solve the problem...if the problems were solved. If the problems were solved...would you stay with your husband?

[Kamikaze]

Well, of course that choice is up to you.

 

Let me ask you something...do you consider ME to be a pretty perceptive, well-rounded emotionally kind of guy?

 

I ask, because even I had some level of this myself.

 

I had to change some of my behaviors...minor changes, I assure you! LOL...but still.

 

In reality...it doesn't matter if it took the affair or not to solve the problem...if the problems were solved. If the problems were solved...would you stay with your husband?

 

I do indeed consider you - OWL - to be a perceptive well-rounded emotionally kind of guy!

 

There are problems that I realize now will NOT be solved. My question to myself is - am I willing (or can I) live the rest of my life without these needs being met?

 

Kami

[Owl]

I'd add to that...

 

"Am I willing to give my H the final opportunity to meet those needs before I end the marriage?".

 

Seriously...I personally think that if you're to the point where divorce is an option...what does it HURT to tell the truth and give him the chance?

 

Sure, he'll be hurt. But you know what...he'll be hurt if you up and divorce him too. He'll probably find out about the affair at some point during the divorce...and still be equally hurt.

 

Why not USE that hurt to possibly accomplish goals for both of you?

 

That's my last word on the subject, I promise you. Good luck to you! :)

[Kamikaze]

I'd add to that...

 

"Am I willing to give my H the final opportunity to meet those needs before I end the marriage?".

 

Seriously...I personally think that if you're to the point where divorce is an option...what does it HURT to tell the truth and give him the chance?

 

Sure, he'll be hurt. But you know what...he'll be hurt if you up and divorce him too. He'll probably find out about the affair at some point during the divorce...and still be equally hurt.

 

Why not USE that hurt to possibly accomplish goals for both of you?

 

That's my last word on the subject, I promise you. Good luck to you! :)

 

OWL,

 

I really do appreciate what you are trying to do. When I get to a point that I feel like I can make that decision then I will. Right now any decision I would make would be based on emotions - so, I am trying to move to a different level.

 

Thanks again OWL.

Kami