Call Your Mother...How about Call Me??

[georgejungle]

I just want to say that i resent the fact that i come from

a family where it's EXPECTED that YOU call you Mother or

Grandmother or go make the efforts to visit them, when

They are clearly capable of calling you as well and perfectly

capable of visiting you or going to see where you live, etc. etc.

 

I know that's just the way it is in some families, Call Your Mother.

But it's like, I'll call my mother only to hear her rant and rave

about this or that or complain about my sister and she'll never

really ask me how "i'm" doing until the end of the conversation..

Or sometimes, i can't even get her on the phone...

 

She does have my sister to deal with who's in her teens who lives

at home, but she's not THAT busy. She manages to drive an hour

and a half to visit other family members but doesn't come the extra

half hour to come see me and my wife, just to drop in and say hi.

I'm sure she'd need directions and i've lived in the same place for

8 years.

 

I'm just kinda tired of letting it bother me. One day i'll worry that i've

not called her and "what will she think" or i'll worry that we've not been

down to visit this month and i'll feel pressured to go visit,

Then other days (like today) i feel so much anger

and resentment. I let it ruin my day and break my spirit. I called

her 2 days ago, she hasn't called me back. And i know she's o.k.,

but it just bothers me that she can't just call me back, i know that

she's not THAT busy...So i assume i've done something to upset her

in some silly way, then i let it bother me and ruin my day.

 

why should I care when i have my own life going on now?

[quankanne]

you care because you've got a good heart. And because it hurts that she doesn't return the courtesy.

 

my MiL was like that. Hubby even sent her a $100 prepaid calling card since she was living on a limited budget and she wouldn't even call him *then* – just let the damn thing expire. My mom, on the other hand, would call every other day or so (we were pretty close), and if she couldn't find me, she'd chat with him for about 10-15 minutes. And he was happy, because it made up for what his mom wouldn't do, though I know it bugged him.

 

try not to take it so hard. Difficult, but probably needed in your case so you don't drive yourself nuts. Have you tried spacing your calls to once a week and allowing yourself not to worry about what's going on with her? Sometimes, you've got to do that for yourself so the situation doesn't make you crazy ...

[blind_otter]

My mom never calls me. She will show up randomly at my front door to ask if I have this or that to do yardwork, but she won't call me. I have to call her. Sometimes I try to see how long it can go, to see if maybe....MAYBE she'll call. We've had 3 months lapse where we did not see or speak to each other at all, because I didn't initiate it. It's ****ing ridiculous. She lives literally 10 minutes away from me.

 

My older sisters are the same way. My S/O says my entire family is weird. I agree with him.

[Art_Critic]

I'm 45, My Mom lives in another state and I call her at the very least once a week.. sometimes more..

and I always have..

 

We will normally talk for about an hour or so...

 

She's my Mom.. She needs to talk to her sons from time to time....

We talk about things going on in her life and vise versa...

I see her maybe 6 or so times a year so it is important to keep in touch...

 

the rest of my family..

I work with one of my sisters and my brother..So I see them tooooo much

the other 3 sisters I talk to and email all the time and see each other every few weeks or so...

[whichwayisup]

One day i'll worry that i've not called her and "what will she think" or i'll worry that we've not been

down to visit this month and i'll feel pressured to go visit

 

Stop worrying what she'll think. Live your life and when you have time, call her or go see her. When she starts ranting away, just let her rant. She isn't going to change her ways, so you're going to have to change yours so you can deal with her and not feel bad, guilty or worried.

[Citizen Erased]

Yeah my dad and I are like that. As in he expects me to call him and I'd rather not, as we have nothing to speak about, so I don't. We haven't spoken since Christmas Day when I had to call him constantly before he finally picked up. Yet he managed to call my sister when I was sitting right next to her...

 

Oh hang on, he did call me once in the past 6 and a half months. He meant to call my grandmother but called me instead. My boyfriend answered the phone and dad didn't know who he was.

[georgejungle]

I'm to the point where I want to tell my Mom how

i feel about it all. But what stops me is the fact that I

know I shouldn't let it bother me so much. I should just

let it all slide off my back. Because it's not that important.

Family is important, but I shouldn't fret so much about it

all not being the way i want it to be. Just accept the way things

are.

[vintagecat]

I hear you and have felt your frustration. I can't remember the last time my Mom called me. It's been several years, probably more. Even when my Dad had a stroke I got that call from my sister.

 

We aren't on bad terms but I'm definitely an afterthought in family affairs. I call Mom once a month or so to check in to make sure no one has died and I talk to one sister about once a month, the others maybe once a year. None of them show any interest in my life and the milestones that pass are unnoticed and even when I bring them up, the comment is , "Oh, yeah such and such happened." Subject dropped, no comments, no questions.

 

I'll grant that I live quite a long way from everyone but I also haven't had a family member visit in at least 16 years when my husband and I were married and then our wedding was very sparsely attended. (My parents and a brother and his family.)

 

I do appreciate being at some distance from the drama/traumas when they erupt but it could also be very upsetting how unbalanced it all is. I used to get upset by the lack of attention and lack of equity but finally decided that's just the way it is and no amount of stressing is going to change it. My husband's family is equally disconnected though we see his parents more often, his siblings are incommunicado. Families....sigh.

[FlyingToaster]

I talk to my mother every other day or so. It's usually not a long conversation; maybe 30 minutes at the most. As far as my sister, I talk to her maybe once a month. About the same or less with my brother. At first it kind of bothered me that we didn't talk much, but I realized that I have a pretty busy life, and my siblings do too. It's not that we don't care, we're all pretty independent. My sister and brother are also 7 and 9 years younger than me, respectively.

 

Now, my husband on the other hand. He works every other week and when he's working he calls his mother at least once/day. When he's home, he calls her once or twice/day AND he visits her every afternoon. She calls him once or twice/day as well. She's old and very emotionally dependent. He also has a twin brother that he calls 2 - 3 times/day. It annoys me quite a bit, mostly because he makes these calls when he could be spending time with his wife and son. Instead, he calls them and later complains that he doesn't have time to spend with us.

 

We take our son at least once during the week my husband's home to see his grandma, but it just amazes me that instead of interacting with him, my MIL just sits and watches TV and talks to my husband about whether or not any of his siblings (mostly his twin) has called him. I know she can't get around very well, but at least show some interest in her grandson. Then she has the nerve to ask our son for a hug before we leave!

 

Sorry, guess I'm just venting. I try not to stress over it all. I just try to understand why people do what they do and, at least in the instance of my MIL, feel sorry for them that they have other people ruling their emotions.

 

Take Care

[redfathom]

My mom does the same thing. So when I do call she is all moody and loves to talk about all the fun things she does with my sisters, went to the snow, to seaworld, to the zoo, the fair, had a beach party, all with out inviting me.

 

I told my mom earlier this year that it hurt my feelings but that did not change so I stopped talking to my mom and my sisters unless I really needed to.

 

I did see them Friday night to give my nephew his b-day gift. The whole time my sister complained about my other sister and how she has been inviting their mutual friend to go do things but not her. The irony of it was funny. The whole time I was like yep, like you all do to me intentionally. So I told her not to get me involved and left it at that.

 

I just thought it was pretty amusing. I finally realized it's not worth being upset.

 

Oh, yeah and she complained about our older sister not inviting any of us to do the rosery at my grandfathers funeral earlier this month. But when we got there they each had someone from their houshold be a pallbearer and no one told us it was an option. So yeah I silently listened to her bi^ch about all the wrongs done to her that she herself has done to me...

[stillafool]

Wow, my mother use to do this to me (the guilts). My father is now doing it and I am a full grown woman. I'm glad I don't have kids to make feel guilty about not calling me.