Seperation uncertain

[SingleDad]

There are a lot of sacrifices each spouse needs to make for a marriage to work and raise kids.

 

Better of both are doing it... maybe express your concerns, but also be patient... maybe it is just a phase for her and she'll snap out of it... I'd hate for a marrriage to end due to 6 mos or a 1 year of "or worse".

 

I've learned alot through the divorce process and now living alone that I would have done differently - I would have sacrificed more...

 

Think of what it would be like to be divorced and a single dad - getting to see your son 1/2 time or less. W needs to "view" that life altering impact as well. Would likely change perspectives.

[Maladjusted]

I am just not sure what to expect from her. I feel that I am starting to judge every action of hers right now because I feel that I have done more than she has.

 

It may be just a phase, but I went through my phases before I got married. I am not willing to be subjected to someone unpredictable and unreliable. I deserve more than that.

 

I would hate for the marriage to end soon as well. I am not considering divorce I just don't know what to do. Part of me is saying just get it all off your chest, the other part of me wants to be patient.

[SingleDad]

Not to be overly altruistic - but what is best for your son ?

 

He is only one year old... my guess is that these problems manifested themselves after his birth.

 

Not infrequently, women have post-partum depression. May want to explore that... W may be feeling trapped and just needs some space

[Maladjusted]

My wife is a loving mom, but right now I feel that her concerns for our son are secondary. She seems more focused on her work and what she can do after work than worried about spending time with our son. On the weekends, she always sleeps in (he sometimes wakes up in the night and she takes care of him) and I watch the baby.

 

We both agree that we have each felt a degree of seperation from each other after the baby was born.

 

I looked into the postpartum depression and consulted with the pediatrician and the marriage counselor and neither feel she is suffering from post partum depression.

[jon01]

Where my problem lies is communicating these things to her in a calm fashion.

 

I know exactly what u mean. It's really hard to communicate to a person who doesn't know how to communicate (ie. your wife). This is why the people trying to communicate can't do so calmly... it starts calmly but the ignorance and stubbornness of the other causes the communication to escalate quickly. Been there, I know exactly where you're coming from on this.

[TrustInYourself]

Read some books on the different ways men and women communicate. I found that doing research helps cope with the situation and it's good information.

 

As far as communicating, I would suggest light, friendly, happy talk. What opened the door for me was being open and willing to discuss my wife's work issues.

 

Also talking about your child is a great way to just open up some communication.

 

Right now, I would avoid communicating about problems. This only leads to more anger and misunderstanding. The number one priority should be solutions, not problems. However, you can't press your solutions on her. Understanding and patience are key here. By attacking the problem, which is most likely what you want to do, you'll be exacerbating the problem.

 

Focus on building positive interaction and positive times, but you have to find a very fine balance between too much, too soon.

 

Also, you'll get more interest from your wife by withdrawing and trying to focus on your own happiness. This is the one of the unique things about human nature.

 

Some ideas to get you going. Best of luck.

[sharebear823]

Could you move closer to her work so she doesn't have such a long commute? Then, maybe you could think about setting up a tradition of a "family dinner" 3 nights per week, so that everyone needs to be home at the same time. The 4th and 5th nights you could each have a night off to be with your friends or co-workers or whatever while your spouse took care of the baby. Then, either Friday or Saturday nights, hire a sitter and go out for a date, just the two of you, for dinner and dancing or a movie or something.

 

Try to work out solutions like this that can show how much you care and benefit both of you, rather than focusing on how "I give more, she gives less," etc.

[Maladjusted]

Well, the bottom dropped out last night. Everything I thought was getting better wasn't.

 

She had told me she was going to an exercise class with a coworker. I received a call from her telling me the class was at 5:45. After the class at 7pm, I received a call from her telling me she was going to drop her coworker back off at her work and then come home.

 

2 hours later, I had heard no word from her. I called three times, no answer. Finally I received a call around 9:20-9:30 telling me that she had stopped to meet up with her sister and get something to eat. To confirm this, I called her parents house and her sister was there and had been there all night. She hadn't met up with my wife.

 

I confronted my wife about this. She told me that she had been in her office the entire time, listening to music and crying. She said she just doesn't love me the same way anymore, even with all of the changes I have made.

 

The end result is she feels that there is something wrong with her, and wants to see a psychologist. She is talking seperation but does not want a divorce. Man I don't even know what to do. I told her point blank if there is someone else tell me now. She swore on our son that there was not.

 

We talked for over an hour. She even tried to get me to slap her at one point by grabbing my hand and bringing to her face. I recoiled and said I would never in a million years do that to you, no matter what you have done.

 

We slept in the same bed, and she cuddled against me. This morning she came to me and said that she would make this right. I have no idea what that means.

[jon01]

Your wife sounds like she is getting really weird. But then, most of the women I've known weren't any less complicated. Maybe she has this vision in her crazed head that she needed to marry some latino stud like Ricky Martin.

[SingleDad]

Sounds like W is having conflicting feelings between you and another man.

 

If you want to save your marriage - you have to go back to be the man she married - the way you were like when you were dating.

 

If she enjoys being with you more than him, she's yours.

 

It's Dr. Harley's "love bank" - you have to keep making deposits into her love bank (good feeelings) and not make withdrawals (arguments).

 

I am going to do the same thing.

 

good luck

[Maladjusted]

She is swearing on our son's life that there is no other man. Do you all think this is a load of BS?

[jon01]

If you want to save your marriage - you have to go back to be the man she married - the way you were like when you were dating.

 

I am sure he is still the very same guy she married, the only things different are the responsibilities and pressures of married life and kids. Things which she doesn't seem to understand anymore. When we reach a point like this where we think we need to transform ourselves into some entertainment machine to keep our wives pleased, it's a clear sign your woman is not worth the effort. She's obviously too busy comparing you to others instead of loving the man she married.

[SingleDad]

Try not to care about that - don't let it be relevant. Don't ask her about it again - don't imply about a BF. It will be a withdrawal from the love bank.

 

She is conflicted - regardless of the reasons why.

 

If you want her back, you have to make deposits to her love bank. She has to feel good about things you do for her, she has to enjoy your company.

 

You have to be selfless right now if you want her. Learn to do just those things what make her happy -most of them have to be subconscious to her. Go back to dating your wife. She may turn around after a while and add to your love bank

 

Or give up and do your own thing and bitch about your Ex.

 

I prefer to do the hard work to try to keep my STBXW from divorcing me, for me and for my daughter.

[jon01]

She is swearing on our son's life that there is no other man. Do you all think this is a load of BS?

 

Well her strange behavior certainly suggests this is BS.

[Maladjusted]

Sounds like W is having conflicting feelings between you and another man.

 

If you want to save your marriage - you have to go back to be the man she married - the way you were like when you were dating.

 

If she enjoys being with you more than him, she's yours.

 

It's Dr. Harley's "love bank" - you have to keep making deposits into her love bank (good feeelings) and not make withdrawals (arguments).

 

 

That is what I am thinking to, but I am not sure who it could be. Given that she tried to get me to slap her last night makes me wonder if this is a deeper problem.

 

I am the man she married. Nothing about me has really changed. Maybe I used to be a little lazier, but I have changed that.

[jon01]

It's not supposed to be a competition between you and this or any other guy for her to be "yours". she is already yours, it's your wife. She is supposed to love and honor you, and be faithful. That's what marriage is about.

[Maladjusted]

It's not supposed to be a competition between you and this or any other guy for her to be "yours". she is already yours, it's your wife. She is supposed to love and honor you, and be faithful. That's what marriage is about.

 

I have to say I agree. If there is another man, he wins. I don't play that game. That is not what marriage is about.

[SingleDad]

That's frustrating...

 

You are also supposed to "love, honor and cherish" your wife... Have you really been doing that ?

 

If you are going to allow a hypothetical OM get between you and your wife... then I would say maybe you don't really love your wife enough to show her how much you love her and keep her from thinking about another man... most affairs by women occur because they are not getting the level of attention from their spouse and someone else is giving them atat attention.

 

Two opposing points of view and approaches to take I guess.

[SingleDad]

That's frustrating because you have a 1 year old son and your wife may be giving up on a marriage you both agreed to less than 2 years ago.

 

Frustrating, because you are also leaning toward throwing in the towel as well.

 

Marriage is not dating, can't just break up like you were dating... Marriage is not always rosy - there are rocky times. You each made a committment to each other for better or for worse till death do us part. You are in the "worse part"....

 

Are you now going to do something pro-actively about it to make it better between you and your wife... or just give up and not show your wife attention and affection that you agreed to do when you married her ?

 

Sorry to preach... I am in a mood to fight to save my own marriage... and I'm tired of sitting back and letting it be taken away from me... and seeing so many others just give up and move on because it is easier... Believe me it will not be easier when you have a child together... she and your son will be a part of your life forever - one way or the other.

[jon01]

Sorry to preach... I am in a mood to fight to save my own marriage... and I'm tired of sitting back and letting it be taken away from me... and seeing so many others just give up and move on because it is easier... Believe me it will not be easier when you have a child together... she and your son will be a part of your life forever - one way or the other.

 

Believe me, I know what you are saying and you make some excellent points. Of course, if you love your wife you fight to win her back. All I am saying is that just because you said cherish love honor and all that, it doesn't necessarily mean it's every guy's duty to further humiliate himself trying to win her back from the arms of some OM, or making so many sacrifices just to appease some unfaithful cheating wife.

[SingleDad]

But is there an other man ?

 

Should he give up on his wife and son before he knows for sure ?

 

Does his wife love this other man and want a divorce ? No she does not want a divorce... she just needs some space and think and talking about a possibility of a separation.

 

I think there are too many open questions and not yet enough effort to fix what is broken... before he takes the next step to take his life and his son life through a life altering divorce.

[jon01]

But is there an other man ?

 

Should he give up on his wife and son before he knows for sure ?

 

That's the thing, we don't know for sure. This is why honesty is so important, and why the concept of a cheater is so offending.

[Billy Bob]

Marriage is not dating, can't just break up like you were dating... Marriage is not always rosy - there are rocky times. You each made a committment to each other for better or for worse till death do us part. You are in the "worse part"....

 

Ummm... Yes you can and people do all the time. I know people who are dating that are much more committed to one another than married couples.

 

Lots of people get married not really knowing what they want.. they probably shouldn't have gotten married.. maybe they were just infatuated or they were young and their hormones got the best of them.

 

Just because a piece of paper says your married, doesn't mean it has to be a life sentence. If two people (or even one person) isn't happy in the relationship, they should be able to divorce. Life is too short to be locked into an unfullfilling relationship.

 

Not saying people should take divorce lightly, but it's not the end of the world. If one half of the relationship wants out, wants to find their happiness elsewhere, then let them.

[Maladjusted]

That's frustrating...

 

You are also supposed to "love, honor and cherish" your wife... Have you really been doing that ?

 

If you are going to allow a hypothetical OM get between you and your wife... then I would say maybe you don't really love your wife enough to show her how much you love her and keep her from thinking about another man... most affairs by women occur because they are not getting the level of attention from their spouse and someone else is giving them atat attention.

 

Two opposing points of view and approaches to take I guess.

 

Yes, I have really been doing that. I am doing everything in my power.

 

I have no control over whether or not she lets another man into her life. All I can do is what I have been doing, which is being honoring, loving, and understanding. If she decided to let another man in that is telling me she has already bailed on the relationship. I don't think that is the case, but if so, then it will likely be the end. I can't help it if she thinks of another man and I don't buy into that BS about people cheating and then blaming their spouse for it. Take accountability for your own actions.

[Maladjusted]

That's frustrating because you have a 1 year old son and your wife may be giving up on a marriage you both agreed to less than 2 years ago.

 

Frustrating, because you are also leaning toward throwing in the towel as well.

 

Marriage is not dating, can't just break up like you were dating... Marriage is not always rosy - there are rocky times. You each made a committment to each other for better or for worse till death do us part. You are in the "worse part"....

 

Are you now going to do something pro-actively about it to make it better between you and your wife... or just give up and not show your wife attention and affection that you agreed to do when you married her ?

 

Sorry to preach... I am in a mood to fight to save my own marriage... and I'm tired of sitting back and letting it be taken away from me... and seeing so many others just give up and move on because it is easier... Believe me it will not be easier when you have a child together... she and your son will be a part of your life forever - one way or the other.

 

Believe me, I know. As the child of a broken marriage, I don't want my son to experience the same thing, especially because I love my wife and truly want this to work. However, it cannot work the way it has been working. She definitely isn't happy, and I am not happy right now either. I am not giving up on anything, but being in a marriage requires the effort of both people not one.

 

I know that there are rocky times in marriages. I am honoring my committment to the marriage. At the same time, the events that are happening are out of my control as they are yours as well.

 

I do realize that they will both be a part of my life forever. That is why I am doing all I can.