Author Maladjusted Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 All I am saying is that just because you said cherish love honor and all that, it doesn't necessarily mean it's every guy's duty to further humiliate himself trying to win her back from the arms of some OM, or making so many sacrifices just to appease some unfaithful cheating wife. If there is another man, I will not humiliate myself further. I won't take second best or anyone considering that I am second best. If she doesn't already know that I am the best, then I am wasting my time. As I said before, if there is another man, then he wins. Then he will forever doubt her not knowing whether or not she will do the same thing to him with another guy somewhere down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 But is there an other man ? Should he give up on his wife and son before he knows for sure ? Does his wife love this other man and want a divorce ? No she does not want a divorce... she just needs some space and think and talking about a possibility of a separation. I think there are too many open questions and not yet enough effort to fix what is broken... before he takes the next step to take his life and his son life through a life altering divorce. That is the real question, isn't it? I don't think that there is but who knows for sure. I won't blindly believe in her words that there isn't another guy because none of her actions are making any sense. No, I will not give up until I know for sure. I agree that there are many open questions. I truly hope she is looking into getting counseling for herself with the information I have given her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 If two people (or even one person) isn't happy in the relationship, they should be able to divorce. Life is too short to be locked into an unfullfilling relationship. Not saying people should take divorce lightly, but it's not the end of the world. If one half of the relationship wants out, wants to find their happiness elsewhere, then let them. I agree. I told her I just want her to be happy. If it isn't with me, then so be it. Divorce may not be the end of the world, but I can tell you this with all surety if it does happen. I will never remarry. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 It's more than knowing the truth... try not to care whether there is BF or not. More importantly what do your want for yourself ? What do you want for your son ? Can you forgive W if she comes back to you and admits she made a mistake ? What kind of life do you want ? Can you get that kind of life with W if you put an effort into your relationship ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 It's more than knowing the truth... try not to care whether there is BF or not. More importantly what do your want for yourself ? What do you want for your son ? Can you forgive W if she comes back to you and admits she made a mistake ? What kind of life do you want ? Can you get that kind of life with W if you put an effort into your relationship ? I wish that I could, but I am only human. If there is another guy and there is any kind sexual conduct taking place then I need to know for my own personal health reasons. I told her what I want. A loving, affectionate wife who is my best friend. Someone that wants to spend time with me and work together to achieve our goals in life. Yes, of course I could forgive her. You make it seem like I am not putting any effort into my relationship. As I have said, I am doing everything I can and have made every change she wished to see happen. She acknowledges this. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 She is swearing on our son's life that there is no other man. Do you all think this is a load of BS? Yes - odds are very strong that there is an OM Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 25, 2008 Author Share Posted July 25, 2008 Yes - odds are very strong that there is an OM What is weird is that she called me this morning and asked if we could have a romantic evening together tonight. This is really confusing me. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Prepare for her to drop the bomb, there are many toimes a woman may do things outta left field to throw you off the scent. Or she could broken up with the suspected OM. who knows. But if you go keep your eyes open. Link to post Share on other sites
canadian976 Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Your counselor's perspective confuses me. Aren't you working full-time in the field of your choice? Why would you consider getting a second job unless it tied into goals you had set as a couple? And if you both worked such long hours, who would raise your child? The low energy / no sex is a cop-out. We all find the time and energy to do the things we want to do. Between your W and counselor, sounds like you're being double-teamed here... Mr. Lucky dude let me say I feel for ya I had that talk like last december and it was this on again off again trip up until just this week until she finally packed up a bunch of stuff and left really they need to choose to love you man and sometimes women have a hard time choosing what makes sense they look at life through the prism of the men they are with at the time and sometimes they want to look through a different lens. There is hope though its just a matter of seeing if one day they wake up in time and decide to want the life with you. Definitely let her go you might want to let her go right away because I went through 8 months of trying to "work it out" and "work on things" doing anything and everything except was was outside of my personal boundaries and it didnt mean jack she is now out the door for "at least 6 weeks" Hopefully both of our ladies will come to their senses a bit and realise that as nice guys we shouldn't finish last -- that's why they fell in love with us in the first place !! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 This weekend wasn't any better. I don't believe that she is or ever was cheating on me. The problem is what is going on in her mind. I am telling her that I will do anything, that I am willing to work on anything to make this work. I love her that much. I will even take on a second job so she can stay home with the baby. Her response is she thinks I will get burned out and go back to being the way I was. Words don't matter to her, but I won't get a second job if she is going to leave so I feel that I am kind of stuck there..... She still is uncertain. I told her that I love her more than anything and will give her the space that she needs. I decided to sleep in another room even though it didn't really matter to her one way or the other and we agreed to no more sex. It didn't help matters I think that I was crying my eyes out most of the night and she could hear it. I think I maybe slept 3 hours. She told me this morning to "get it together". I know she is right. She talks about this weird crap that she never felt she was meant to get married but that she felt she was meant to be a mother. She also tells me she wants to live life with no regrets and has told me several times that she thinks she will die young. I really don't know what to do. I am trying to keep it together but I am losing it. My whole life is falling apart. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 I decided to sleep in another room . Ummmm... Why? It seems to me you ought to have asked her to sleep in another room. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 Ummmm... Why? It seems to me you ought to have asked her to sleep in another room. I just want to give her the space that she needs. She offered to switch off from sleeping in the bed but I said no. Look, I know many people will say I should be a hard a$$ but thats not who I am. I can't be something I am not. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Look, I know many people will say I should be a hard a$$ but thats not who I am. I can't be something I am not. It's not a matter of being a hard a$$. It's a matter of enabling her behavior. And it's also a matter of her beginning to see consequences of her behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 It's not a matter of being a hard a$$. It's a matter of enabling her behavior. And it's also a matter of her beginning to see consequences of her behavior. What consequences will she be seeing if I do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 I'd like to add that she shows little to no emotional feeling towards me at all. She told me that if this ends it is on her, and not me. When she heard me crying she came in and game me a hug and sat there holding me while I cried for a few minutes. I could tell that she was crying too. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 What consequences will she be seeing if I do that? That she's leaving you and thus she is the one will be inconvenienced if it comes to that. For example, a future question will be who moves out of your home. There's no reason for you to have to do so - this situation seems to be of her doing, not yours, so she ought to be the one to bear the inconvenience. I also think the odds remain high that there is an OM at least emotionally if not physically. Particularly in that case, any inconvenience in this situation should be hers, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 That she's leaving you and thus she is the one will be inconvenienced if it comes to that. For example, a future question will be who moves out of your home. There's no reason for you to have to do so - this situation seems to be of her doing, not yours, so she ought to be the one to bear the inconvenience. I also think the odds remain high that there is an OM at least emotionally if not physically. Particularly in that case, any inconvenience in this situation should be hers, not yours. At this point I just don't care. I love her so much and I just want to have the relationship we once had. I don't want anyone else and I don't want to be remarried. The thought of my son having to see her with another man makes me physically ill. I don't think there is another man, emotionally or physically for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 At this point I just don't care. I love her so much and I just want to have the relationship we once had. I don't want anyone else and I don't want to be remarried. The thought of my son having to see her with another man makes me physically ill. That's understandable.. there is a grieving process to go through and you will feel all sorts of emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Wow she sounds crazy... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 I think the bottom line is that she just doesn't want to be with me anymore. She probably thinks that I am pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 She wants to live life to the fullest and thinks she can't being tied down with a husband and child... Same thought process as my STBXW. Grass is greener somewhere else. Maybe years before they realize the consequences of their selfishness to make themselves happy first. I don't think they were ready to get married and start a family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 SingleDad you are spot on, save for the part with the baby. I think she feels tied down being married, though I don't know what she is feeling tied down to. I don't stop her from doing anything. Yeah, the grass is greener somewhere else. For now, I think I am just going to keep things light. I am not going to talk about what has passed. I am not going to cry in front of her anymore. I will be friendly, and try to have general conversation with her, but beyond that I don't think there is anything more that I can do. Maybe years if they even realize it all. Who knows? She might be better off without me. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 good plan. sorry I thought you had a child - so many posts, I get confused Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 28, 2008 Author Share Posted July 28, 2008 Oh no no, we do have a child. However she seems solely focused on him and not me. In other words, she doesn't feel the baby will tie her down. Besides, she always has her parents to watch him if there is something that she really wants to do. She told me that she always wanted to be a mother, but never really saw herself getting married. I wish I would have known that before. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Yeah, the grass is greener somewhere else. Yeah, usually because there's more manure on the otherside~ Reality? What a concept! Deal with it! I've always been crazy? But it keeps me from going insane! Link to post Share on other sites
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