TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 This is true. And in terms of recovering a marriage some of what's required of us seems very contrary to what our instinct would tell us. We do have to take emotional risks and really extend ourselves. I've never opened up my own thread, but I told a good bit of my story (all in one place) to Fyrwyfe. The rest of my story is spread out all over the forum. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t58996/?highlight=fyrwyfe I understand what you guys are talking about first hand. BUT... and this is a big "but", what we're talking about is a high-wire walk over hot coals. It takes balance and there are times when you can't take the lead from the person who has their head screwed on backwards. For these guys who have NOT begun a physical separation... they really would do well to think about where the line in the sand is going to be drawn. For you other guys... there's nothing to lose that's not already lost. And as TIY is wont to remind us, once we realize that it's over... there's nothing in our way from starting anew. The OLD relationship failed. It's gone. But that doesn't mean you can't strive toward something new and better. Ladyjane, I dislike how real you are being. You are really trying to get me to relate and I find it alarming. You are on the level. I find that grossly unfair. I want to demonize women and here you are being too cool for that. Unfortunate. Well me and SingleDad will continue to hate women. Regardless if there are a few good ladies out there. Onward! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 The more and more I think about it, I haven't really done anything wrong. She is picking on everything about me and is hugely conflicted. I am now starting to willingly believe that there may be someone else involved and I think I know who it is. I never ignored her, never ignored her feelings or did anything against her. I always treated her well and did the best I could to help her out. I was not a bad husband and she even told me that I was a great husband and father. She had to work because I couldn't bring enough money to the table to afford all of our bills. The church thing I would have done had she been more forceful and I may be guilty of that. But to change from blaming herself to outwardly being cold and mean towards me is indicating that all is not well in la la land. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 I know these guys avoid me like the plague. They like to hammer your ass though. I think it's cause you are a nice guy. Me on the other hand..HAH! Thanks for being my hero. Not me. You've kept it real. Crap, you guys are the only friends I really have. How does the old saying go "Misery loves company?" Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 You son of a gun. You did not just say I was miserable. Them's fighting words. What's shaking tonight? Party at your house? ooo-RAH. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 The more and more I think about it, I haven't really done anything wrong. She is picking on everything about me and is hugely conflicted. I am now starting to willingly believe that there may be someone else involved and I think I know who it is. I never ignored her, never ignored her feelings or did anything against her. I always treated her well and did the best I could to help her out. I was not a bad husband and she even told me that I was a great husband and father. She had to work because I couldn't bring enough money to the table to afford all of our bills. The church thing I would have done had she been more forceful and I may be guilty of that. But to change from blaming herself to outwardly being cold and mean towards me is indicating that all is not well in la la land. And this... Who is it? Does it even matter who it is? As far as your revelations. Hell yeah it's not you. You're a cool guy, Mal. Everyone knows that you are smart, funny, and a good guy. So yeah. It's her bad for wanting to leave. Not yours. Just chill and relax. That's why I was saying be positive. Because even if she leaves, you are still going to be you. And that's cool. Peace out. I'm still drunk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 I've mentioned him before. The counselor told her that communicating with him was inappropriate yet it is still going on. She really is done. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Mal - even if it is an affair - your marriage can survice it if you are willing... see www.marriagebuilders.com Dr. Harley discusses it quite a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 Mal - even if it is an affair - your marriage can survice it if you are willing... see www.marriagebuilders.com Dr. Harley discusses it quite a bit. Yeah........I seriously doubt I would want to salvage a marriage where the wife cheated on me. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Tell her get out. Hell with that. I strongly doubt you can trust her. You can't even trust what she is saying. She isn't being real with you man. Hell with that. Do not fear. Blast that bitch with the truth. Tell her no more or get out. Even if it's innocent. Why can't she talk to you bro?! Exactly. EXACTLY! Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 TIY - You have a lot of energy today - too much caffine ? Mal - Well be sure before your emotions get the better of you - and words which can destroy your marriage. Personally - I do not want to know if my W is having an affair (Well - yes I do - but knowing that yould only destroy things) If my marriage can survive this - I do not want knowing an affair happened to affect me.. I'd rather that be a guilt she carries with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 It is just too weird. Her sudden changes in moods, the text messages....something isn't adding up. This can't be the reason why. Somebody has gotten to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 Oh well, nothing I can do about it anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Take it one day at at time Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 Yep. I am just going to leave her completely alone. There isn't anything further I can think of to say. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 Stonger men who gave up their love for their wife, broke their committment to their marriage, and gave up half of their time with their children. All women really want is to be loved by their husbands and them to be their best freinds. Many men, including myself, are just on auto-pilot during their marriages and don't wake up until its too late. Then don't put enough energy into it to save it. I am at least going to put in the effort - so I can know years from now that I did the right thing and did not give up. Why is that weak ? Sorry I was a little direct in my reply earlier. After months of trying, I just threw in the towel. It got to a point where my STBXW was drifting farther away, and nothing I did or said made any difference. That's when I realized it's better to just be strong and feel some level of peace in knowing I tried, and just let go. There are days when you feel sad, then other days when you feel angry, but I am trying to just be strong and get this all out of my mind so I can just move on. After a point you just have to accept that she can't possibly love or care for you to be doing this, and once you grasp that more clearly you gain more power to stop giving a sh*t and even being "friends". Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 My XHEX and I were physically seperated for over a year, with my being overseas and her here in the States. The more and harder I pursued, the harder and faster she ran the otherway. And of course there was another man/men. I can honestly say that I was the absolute best husband/father that I knew how to be at the time, and would make an even better one today for the experience, knowledge, wisdom I've gained over the years. But you truly cannot be held absolutely accountable/responsible for the absolute happiness of someone else. That's someone only each and everyone of us are responsilbe for. And it really doesn't matter about the "why's" or the laundry list of reasons she's given you. If it weren't the current list, it would be another, and another. And while I agree with LJ's ascertation that when in a committed relationship that we should priortize our SO's needs as our own to the greatest extent possible (without losing sight of our own needs and self identity) ~ the bottom line is that you simply cannot live your life for and through someone else. Not your SO, not your children, not your parents. At some point we must all come to realize and embrace self autonomy. It would seem to me that its not you that's the problem nor the one with the problem. It would seem to me that the DW has some maturing and growing up to do. And she needs to be doing it without you. The problems your having in your marriage aren't so much your problems, but hers. And were it me, I'd send her packing, and I wouldn't grease the skids for her in making the trip an easy one. She needs to "find herself" she wouldn't be doing it on my dime and expense, and what is all the more she wouldn't be leaving with my child with her, even if I had to put him in the bathroom and bar the door with my body. (You do know that you have just as much rights to custody of the chidl as she does? She doesn't have anymore rights to custody of the child than you do. And it sounds as though your just as much the primary care-giver, as she is. If not more. The primary reason, Moms get custdoy, is because men "lay-down" and let them have it.) In short I'd be introducing her to the fact that its a cold cruel world out there and there are a lot of not so nice people out there to boot. The fact of the matter is, that out here in civilian la~la land, your not going to find a whole lot of people that have sympathy for someone such as herself. They will tell you quick, fast and in a hurry like that if your looking for sympathy you need to go look for it in a dictionary, because that about the only place your going to find it. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 I'm just saying. If you wife is texting and communicating with her manager rather than communicating with you, that's an emotional affair. Does she tell this guy her problems rather than you? When she gets good news, does she have to tell her manager first? In my opinion, her words are worthless until that ends. It's possible to split your love into two seperate people. That's why if you continue to communicate, you're enabling her behavior. I had a bottle of Goldschlager and a bottle of Malibu with some buddies that came into town. The three of us killed all of that and about 18 beers. Let's just say I was very light and fun when I got to work 9 hours after. Until around 1pm. Then I started puking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 2, 2008 Author Share Posted August 2, 2008 It's over ladies and gentlemen. Divorce. She broke the news to me this morning. She just doesn't love me the way that she should. In fact, she told me she never really did. Link to post Share on other sites
Navin_R_Johnson Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 Wow, why do they ALL say that? Link to post Share on other sites
Navin_R_Johnson Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 And another observation: So many WAWs do the walk shortly after kids are born. I know so many that have problems when their first kid is 1-2 years. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 I am sorry to hear it. How are you taking things? I hope well. I would not stress what she says man. She probably doesnt know what she wants either. Thats the crazy part. Just do your best to be a good father and enjoy your independence. Maybe after you start walking away she will realize what she is losing. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 It's over ladies and gentlemen. Divorce. She broke the news to me this morning. She just doesn't love me the way that she should. In fact, she told me she never really did. If she's cheating... you can't take that "never really did" at face value. She will have "rewritten" the marital history in her efforts to rationalize her actions. From here, I can't tell you if she is or isn't. Certainly, there are red flags all over the place... but on the other hand, she could just be nuts. You haven't known her all that long. One thing's for sure though... the girl has NO TACT AT ALL. Unless you've changed your mind and decided you want out... do nothing. Let her go out and file for divorce on her own WITHOUT your assistance if that's what she wants to do. You're not obliged to assist her in dividing your family. Instead, sit back and watch to see if her actions meet her words. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Sorry for the bad news. But in your "heart of hearts" you "kinda, sorta" knew this was coming in one shape, form or fashion. The way you handle this is like a cork going down the Coloardo River. You bounce up and down, and sometimes you even go under ~ but you always come back on top! Your best bet is to remain loose and flexible and roll with the punches as they come. Whatevr you do? Don't become needy, clingy and begging like a little boy with his pants down around his ankles crying, (Think Steve Martin in the movie, "The Jerk" when he lost his fortune.) I'm in agreement, that she doesn't know what she wants, and doesn't "no more" know what she's doing or saying than some drunk wino down on River Street. She's in for a rude awakening if she thinks being a single mom is going to be a walk in the park. As the old saying goes, I'd give her all the rope she needs to hang herself. Heck one of my fellow co-workers at work (20 something, married, with baby on the way) is hoping that I will give up working second shift and move to third. Because he and the wife know what a challenge their life is going to be when the baby comes. They're going to have to split the feeding schedule through the night. I realize you're having to choke down on a lot right now, having to bite the bullet (rawhide just won't do), but take it from a vet, just shut up and let her go. Yea, she's crazy for leaving ~ but Man ~ just let her go! And LJ (Lady Jane) actions speak louder than words. I wouldn't finance any of the impending seperation/divorce anymore than I had to and required by law ~ and even then she'd have to get a court order. I wouldn't grease the skids for her one damn bit. The sooner she learns that its a hard, cruel world out ther with a lot of not so nice people ~ the better. Now that the other shoe has dropped,~ what you need to be thinking about is your child, and about how to be involved in his/her life as much as possible. That may mean moving to wherever she's planning to live? That may mean changing jobs/carrers ~ even take a lesser paying job? Downsizing your standard of living. Re-priortizing your goals and objectives in Life. And that's all relative to how old you are and how old your children are. But as I recall, yours is just a toddler. Whatever you do, stay out of getting into another relationship for a minimum of one year after the ink is dried on the divorce papers, (I would recommend two to three ~ even five! It varies from person to person, but you'll be amazed at how after being married for as little as just one year really messes up your daily patterns ~ its the martial equivalent of having a stroke! You've got to re-learn how to walk, talk, sleep again) Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Very sorry to hear the news Mal. What I don't understand in all this, is how can the WAW get custody of the child just like that? In this case she is clearly initiating the divorce, and despite the hardest efforts from husband to avoid it, she still wants to do it. Shouldn't that have any bearing in court to allow the child to remain with the spouse that wants to keep the marriage going? It doesn't sound fair at all to think she forced the divorce, gets to keep the kid, and if she decides to move far away she has the freedom to do it. That ain't right. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 That's great news Mal because your soley out of limbo. Yes it sucks that she wants a divorce but you know what now your free. Free to do what must be done. Free to find someone else who aint gonna jerk your chain. What's the point of being married to a woman who's fooling around and disrespecting you. Get some self esteem! let her go. you'll do better by yourself. Good riddance. Link to post Share on other sites
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