Author Maladjusted Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 She isn't talking seperation anymore. Matter of fact, she isn't really saying much about the subject at all. She has thrown so many different things at me I am not really sure what to think. She hasn't said anything about seperating recently one way or the other. I think she is waiting to see if I make the changes she is wanting made. I don't really have that clear of a picture of why she thinks/thought seperation will help out our marriage. She has told me her reasons but they are very scattered and disorganized. Things right now are ok. She changed her mind and is going to come with me to on a trip to a family function. Things aren't really affectionate, but I guess maybe that will take time to come back around. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I'd be concerned about indifference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 I'd be concerned about indifference. You are right. That is what I am concerned about. She remarked to me last night that she doesn't think I trust her yet, however she wasn't interested in having a conversation about it. I am at a point now where I don't know what to do. Between her job and our son, she doesn't seem to have any energy or time for me (much less interest) and it is starting to get to me. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Leave her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 Leave her. What about my son? I can't just up and leave. What would be the point of me leaving? Don't you think that things could get better with a little time and counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Maladjusted you can have a glimer of hope that things will get better - As I am doing... But you need to focus on getting yourself better, get back to doing the things you enjoy, and be best father you can be for your son. Be there for your spouse... if she wants you to - there is nothing you can do to change a person's mind and thoughts... Your words and actions may help or hurt the situation, depending on what the hell is going on in her mind Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Maladjusted you can have a glimer of hope that things will get better - As I am doing... But you need to focus on getting yourself better, get back to doing the things you enjoy, and be best father you can be for your son. Be there for your spouse... if she wants you to - there is nothing you can do to change a person's mind and thoughts... Your words and actions may help or hurt the situation, depending on what the hell is going on in her mind I agree with the first part. Be there for yourself. Have some self-respect. Be courteous, but respect her decision for space. As far as being there for her, you are enabling her behavior and thought process that she can have her cake and eat it too. Hell with that. Leave her. Let her think about what you bring to the relationship. Right now you are the prize. Act like it. Don't be a sap. If you love her, love yourself first. Put yourself first. Take control. Own the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 Be there for your spouse... if she wants you to - there is nothing you can do to change a person's mind and thoughts... Your words and actions may help or hurt the situation, depending on what the hell is going on in her mind I have no idea if she wants me to be there or not. I have no idea what is going on in her mind other than the fact that it seems she puts more energy into her job than anything else. I am not even a secondary consideration. In fact, I don't feel like a consideration at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 As far as being there for her, you are enabling her behavior and thought process that she can have her cake and eat it too. Hell with that. Leave her. Let her think about what you bring to the relationship. Right now you are the prize. Act like it. Don't be a sap. If you love her, love yourself first. Put yourself first. Take control. Own the situation. Out of curiosity, how am I enabling her behavior and thought process? What can I do to change that? Before this, I have to say that I loved myself. I thought I was a great husband and father who was always understanding and willing to talk. I have to admit that I have lost a little bit of my own confidence as a result of this. Even when she says she feels that I need to rebuild my trust in her there was little emotion. She has done nothing in my opinion to regain that trust or to let me know what if anything has been going on. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I have no idea if she wants me to be there or not. I have no idea what is going on in her mind other than the fact that it seems she puts more energy into her job than anything else. I am not even a secondary consideration. In fact, I don't feel like a consideration at all. It's tough. Professional counseling would be sweet right about now. If she's not interested, what is she telling you? What is she telling you right now by not making even considering you? I'm sharing this experience with my wife. I hope you take some solace from that fact. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Out of curiosity, how am I enabling her behavior and thought process? What can I do to change that? Before this, I have to say that I loved myself. I thought I was a great husband and father who was always understanding and willing to talk. I have to admit that I have lost a little bit of my own confidence as a result of this. Even when she says she feels that I need to rebuild my trust in her there was little emotion. She has done nothing in my opinion to regain that trust or to let me know what if anything has been going on. Haha, our situations are so similar. Those positive traits are still your positives traits. Do not discount what makes you who you are. It doesn't matter what your perceptions are on the marriage or as a husband. The problem is your wife's perceptions and your reactions to said perceptions. Agree with her. Stop giving her reasons to validate what she's saying. Even if you don't agree this is the easiest and quickest way for her to see your positive traits or to take your side. You build her argument against you, when you do not agree with her. Flip it, essentially. Best of luck. I've had mixed results, since on occasion my emotions own me and I react poorly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 It's tough. Professional counseling would be sweet right about now. If she's not interested, what is she telling you? What is she telling you right now by not making even considering you? I'm sharing this experience with my wife. I hope you take some solace from that fact. Best of luck. Well, we are in counseling right now. It is a slow process, and he told me to make some of the changes that she was suggesting. I don't know if "interested" is the right word. I think "aloof" would be a better word. As far as consideration goes, she works 10 hours a day, comes home, eats dinner, plays with the baby and puts him to bed, and then she usually goes to bed herself. In between, there is conversation about the baby and asking how each other's day was etc. There is little to no affection and there certainly isn't any sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 Haha, our situations are so similar. Those positive traits are still your positives traits. Do not discount what makes you who you are. It doesn't matter what your perceptions are on the marriage or as a husband. The problem is your wife's perceptions and your reactions to said perceptions. Agree with her. Stop giving her reasons to validate what she's saying. Even if you don't agree this is the easiest and quickest way for her to see your positive traits or to take your side. You build her argument against you, when you do not agree with her. Flip it, essentially. Best of luck. I've had mixed results, since on occasion my emotions own me and I react poorly Yeah, I know they are positive traits but when the one who is supposed to love you most sits there knocking them it is hard to take. We aren't really arguing about anything so there is nothing really to agree with. Right now it is just simple, basic existence. I have to force conversations and the little affection there is. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Haha, ah yes. The routine, the co-existence, the monotononous daily grind. How do you rebuild that fire and passion? Fundamentally, by changing the routine, the co-existence, the monotononous daily grind. This can't be done until you adress her issues first though. This is your issue, not hers. This is where your needs are not being addressed. This is an indication to you that things are just not working. I would say the most important thing would be to recognize her emotional needs. Ask her to communicate with you. Listen and be there for her. Resist arguments. Agree with her feelings and show acceptance of how she feels. Eventually she's going to open up and ask you. Point blank, stop making this about you and your feelings. If you love her, start focusing on her feelings and thoughts and don't disagree. Accept and love. This is very difficult because it takes the best of us to accomplish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 I would say the most important thing would be to recognize her emotional needs. Ask her to communicate with you. Listen and be there for her. Resist arguments. Agree with her feelings and show acceptance of how she feels. Eventually she's going to open up and ask you. Point blank, stop making this about you and your feelings. If you love her, start focusing on her feelings and thoughts and don't disagree. Accept and love. This is very difficult because it takes the best of us to accomplish. This is tough to do because she isn't showing emotion. When I ask to talk about something she doesn't say much. I think she confides more with her best friend (whom she talks to and text messages to back and forth all day long) than anything else. I do listen and try to be there for her, but like I said she isn't into having anything more than like a 5 minute conversation before she is tired, has something to do, someone is calling, needs to take a shower, take care of the baby, etc. I don't really feel that it is appropriate for me to force her to talk either. The way I look at it is the next move is hers. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 This is tough to do because she isn't showing emotion. When I ask to talk about something she doesn't say much. I think she confides more with her best friend (whom she talks to and text messages to back and forth all day long) than anything else. I do listen and try to be there for her, but like I said she isn't into having anything more than like a 5 minute conversation before she is tired, has something to do, someone is calling, needs to take a shower, take care of the baby, etc. I don't really feel that it is appropriate for me to force her to talk either. The way I look at it is the next move is hers. Indicates to me she doesn't feel like she can talk to you sincerely. Put yourself out there and take a risk. When she tells you something that hurts and causes you emotional distress, accept it, acknowledge it, but do not let your emotions control you. React calmly and try to be understanding. Just listen and nod. It's going to take a turning point from you to change the way you react to your wife and her feelings. As I said, this is difficult. Hah, I should know. It took a separation before I was able to recognize how I contributed to our issues unconciously. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 You may have a point. The marriage counselor told me that I am a much better communicator and am more socially developed than she is. He believes her problem to be that she doesn't know when to be blunt and doesn't know when to use tact. This results in her communicating somewhat caustically which makes it hard for me to listen to what she is saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 So I am checking my email this morning, and she sends me an email with a party invitation for someone at her work, with a message to me that is asking me "would it be ok if I go to this?" What the hell? She saw me last night and this morning, why didn't she just ask me in person? Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 She's doing the LC (Limited Communication) thing. She doesn't want to have an argument or discussion about it. Maybe not even wanting to hear your voice - like I do not want to hear my STBXW's voice. Just reply with a "Yes" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 You know, this is the same person that claims that she "doesn't have energy" for sex, yet she is fine to go out to a damn birthday party for someone she barely knows. So much for working on our marriage. I have had about enough of this crap. I told her, yes go to the party and have a great time. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 2) I won't go to church and she wants the baby baptized 3) She will have more "respect" for me if I work two jobs. Those are, well, very reasonable requests, IMO. Especially the first one. You say you are Deist, so you believe in a supreme God. Well let me tell you, that is Jesus Christ. If you want to read some convincing evidence buy this book, it might help you. As for the 2nd request, why not just get a small part time job and let your wife stay home to take care of the house and child? If she leaves at 7pm and comes back at 7pm, I can see how she probably hates that lifestyle. Maybe she can get a part time job as well as you, to replace whatever income she had from the 7a-7p. If you really love your wife and you don't want to lose her and your family, do these 2 things. I am sure she will be very thankful and impressed. Think about it.. is it a lot she is asking? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 You may have a point. The marriage counselor told me that I am a much better communicator and am more socially developed than she is. He believes her problem to be that she doesn't know when to be blunt and doesn't know when to use tact. This results in her communicating somewhat caustically which makes it hard for me to listen to what she is saying. We are exactly the same. When I mean exactly, I mean I initiate conversation to work on all our problems. It's been that way for quite some time. She walks around subjects rather than talking about them directly. She likes to be descriptive of the problems rather than addressing them directly and finding a solution. I am the social partner. She is the introverted one. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 She thinks she needs space and freedom. At that point, you can do nothing but "set them free" and hope they come back. Controlling would only make it even worse. You now have to learn to enjoy your independent life (I would recommend staying the high moral ground too). If you start Dating/Cheating (whether or not she is), you will just further convince her that the marriage is over. There is no rationale to her thinking - she is focused on Freedom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 So I told her yes, have a great time at the party. She replied back "Don't worry its just girls. All of the dispatchers are women, w/the exception of a couple but they aren't invited : ) I replied back that I wasn't worried and have a good time. She replied back "Thank you! Will you be ok with the little guy" I replied back "Don't worry about me" She replied back "Do u want me to pick up food?" I replied "No thank you" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 Those are, well, very reasonable requests, IMO. Especially the first one. You say you are Deist, so you believe in a supreme God. Well let me tell you, that is Jesus Christ. If you want to read some convincing evidence buy this book, it might help you. As for the 2nd request, why not just get a small part time job and let your wife stay home to take care of the house and child? If she leaves at 7pm and comes back at 7pm, I can see how she probably hates that lifestyle. Maybe she can get a part time job as well as you, to replace whatever income she had from the 7a-7p. If you really love your wife and you don't want to lose her and your family, do these 2 things. I am sure she will be very thankful and impressed. Think about it.. is it a lot she is asking? I believe that there is a power greater than myself and I cannot know the motives of this being, yes. The thing is she doesn't seem to hate the lifestyle. She is just one of those people that gets addicted to work. If she is so concerned about our son and spending time with him, then why is she coming home at 7-8 pm and then going to parties and outings with friends? That argument to me nullifies her "wanting to stay home with the baby". I love my wife, and I don't mind going to church once is a while, but I haven't even listed all of the things I have done for her while I have received little in return. If you guys wish, I can give you more history. Link to post Share on other sites
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