Author Maladjusted Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 We are exactly the same. When I mean exactly, I mean I initiate conversation to work on all our problems. It's been that way for quite some time. She walks around subjects rather than talking about them directly. She likes to be descriptive of the problems rather than addressing them directly and finding a solution. I am the social partner. She is the introverted one. Right there with you buddy. Only she is just introverted with me, but apparently not with her coworkers whom she'll be downing Margaritas with before you can say Jack Robinson. I don't know how to react when she gets home. Part of me is tempted to just walk out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 She thinks she needs space and freedom. At that point, you can do nothing but "set them free" and hope they come back. Controlling would only make it even worse. You now have to learn to enjoy your independent life (I would recommend staying the high moral ground too). If you start Dating/Cheating (whether or not she is), you will just further convince her that the marriage is over. There is no rationale to her thinking - she is focused on Freedom. Yeah I hear you, but in the meantime I am sitting here on the sidelines watching the game and I would rather be playing, if you know what I mean. While she is off having a good time with the coworkers or "at work" I am rooted at home watching my son. I love watching my son, but I have no life outside of him. I admit that I don't have much of an independent life. Since moving here I haven't been able to make any new friends. I go for walks and workout occasionally. When I was single I was into the bar/club scene, drinking every weekend, etc. When I married her I changed and grew up because she made me want to be a better person. What a great choice I made. I was probably better off dating different women every weekend. Well, she can have all the freedom she wants. I am just too tired and heartbroken to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Mal you're handling this perfectly. What you have to avoid is letting your emotions take control of the situation. Let the anger go. Don't be an open book to her to manipulate and read. Close the book and let her start trying to figure you out. This is the key (from what I have read and studied) to opening up your wife. When I practiced control and love for her desires and thoughts, she began to consider working it out long term with me. When I began to show my neediness, anger, and resentment over the situation/separation, that is when she pulled away. I have trouble practicing my own advice. Every time I don't, I pay for it with time apart and conflicting emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I have trouble practicing my own advice. Every time I don't, I pay for it with time apart and conflicting emotions. Me too. I wish I could follow some of my own advice more often. And for me even though it's been about 5 months of separation (wife didn't want to come back) I go through cycles of anger, sadness, confusion, resentment, etc. But you are right about not showing this, just put on a happy face to the ex. But the thing which kills me the most, is how she will never initiate contact or show a care in the world. I don't think I want to get back together, but I just want her to feel some of the pain I am going through, to have someone cheat on her. I hate her stupid job, and her stupid gf's who probably always pushed her to go out all the time and leave me. I mostly do NC, but every few weeks or so I have a weak moment and I will email or call her. Most women who walk out the door are so alike at this stage of the game. I feel powerless, that's the killer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 I hate her stupid job, and her stupid gf's who probably always pushed her to go out all the time and leave me. I mostly do NC, but every few weeks or so I have a weak moment and I will email or call her. Most women who walk out the door are so alike at this stage of the game. I feel powerless, that's the killer. Man I am right there with you. It seems that she cares more about her job and her lame "friends" at work than she does her own family. You'd think she would want to stay home and work on her marriage and play with her son, but instead its Margarita time and f the husband and son. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 She believes the grass is greener on the other side. I also believe in your W and my W case that work, a child and and husband combined was just too much for her. So then she can have her job, 1/2 her daughter, no husband, and time for herself to re-create a new life for herself (be it freedom, dating, time to think, time to relax and unwind, etc.) Unfortunately, the other half doesn't want that for themselves.. but we have to learn to live with it. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 In the future if I ever get married again (BIG f* IF) I will make sure that I make enough money so that my wife won't have a job. It's like too much distraction and temptation, I don't know. My STBXW was so full of herself from her f* job, it used to make me sick. On one side I was proud of the fact she was doing well, but on the other hand I didn't like how she would show off and yap excessively about her job, and all the after work "activities" they did. I felt like she used to get defensive on me and go out of her way to defend her stupid co-workers and the company itself whenever I would criticize anything about them. It was pathetic. On the other hand, I would barely ever talk about my work, nor would she ever inquire much (and I made much more money than her). Sound all familiar? I bet your wife is the same in many ways. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 How many of us showed interest in her work that she was proud of? Were you genuine? I'm curious because my wife thinks that I never supported her career as a nurse. Initially, I did not, however, I realized it's something she really wanted and I got behind her. I'm showing her now how proud I am, yet, it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing I do matters. Now it's on her to decide if it should matter. Not me. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Not sure whether a spouse working or not is an issue. I hear just as many divorces from stay at home mom's not being happy and cheat, working spouse cheats, or just thing not getting enough attention. My STBXW vented about her job all the time.. she could work or not work, but there would have be less spending if she didn't work... she would have complained like anything if she was restricted in her spending - thought I controlled her. She will find out on her own that her own finances will restrict her with new house mortgage, utilities, day care, and her usual clothes & convenience food shopping.. or simply go into debt. Wondering if she will want me to take her back in 3-4 years with $20k credit card debt. I paid off $18k in credit card debt when we married and each year paid off thousands of her year end debt balance. Yeah who controlled who ? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Not sure whether a spouse working or not is an issue. I hear just as many divorces from stay at home mom's not being happy and cheat, working spouse cheats, or just thing not getting enough attention. My STBXW vented about her job all the time.. she could work or not work, but there would have be less spending if she didn't work... she would have complained like anything if she was restricted in her spending - thought I controlled her. She will find out on her own that her own finances will restrict her with new house mortgage, utilities, day care, and her usual clothes & convenience food shopping.. or simply go into debt. Wondering if she will want me to take her back in 3-4 years with $20k credit card debt. I paid off $18k in credit card debt when we married and each year paid off thousands of her year end debt balance. Yeah who controlled who ? I agree. It has nothing to do with whether or not they are working. Housewives have problems too. Go read through some of these forums. I was completely open with our finances. We had complete trust. Yet she considered me controlling because I always told her to be prudent in her spending. I never told her no, but I was the main contributor and felt like my thoughts should be heard when it comes to major purchases. This made her feel like her opinion and needs did not count. Keep in mind, we had a completely open financial arrangement. My money was her money. I rarely, if ever, said a word about what she bought. I trusted her 100%. Now look. I'm controlling because I made her feel like she couldn't buy what she wanted, even though she had complete access to my bank account at any time. She walked out with all her money she saved up from working. Money that was saved because I paid for most bills, she paid for childcare and some child expenses(clothes and toys). Good riddance if she wants to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 TIY - you sound like you are falling down the well and have lost all hope... I need somone else on this forum to persevere with me !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 LOL, not at all. I'm facing the reality of the situation and I think we are both toast! I think everyone of us whose wives walked out are better off alone. Whether it was our fault or their fault, it's irrelevant. I have hope in myself. I'm not a loser. I'm a great person and I'm very special. I deserve to be treated that way. So does my wife! The honest truth is that I didn't treat her the way I should have. I didn't live up to my end of the commitment in her eyes. That's okay. I'm going to take responsibility for what I did and move forward. Hope isn't in regaining the past, but building the future and living in the present. I'm done trying to fight for love. Why not just relax and let what happens, happens? Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Why don't you then treat her like your say she should have been treating her ???? Why is it too late for that... She will always remain in your life because of your young daughter together. Start by being friends again (once you have healed from your hurt, like I hope to) Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Why don't you then treat her like your say she should have been treating her ???? Why is it too late for that... She will always remain in your life because of your young daughter together. Start by being friends again (once you have healed from your hurt, like I hope to) Because in her heart, she's done with me. She's committed to the end of our relationship. All it takes is one small problem and that's validation for her thoughts that there is someone better out there. Even if we spent an entire week together in perfect bliss, one small emotional outburst about how I feel and I'm the one who's selfish and wrong and we're done. How is that fair to me? Right now, I am competing with the fantasy and the fairy tale that there is a real prince charming out there perfect for her. No one can really beat that fantasy, no matter how hard they try. So I have to let go and let her find out for herself. That is her part of this separation. 100% giving 100% of the time is impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I'm sure I'll be the only one here to suggest this: Then take the bold step of being the only person who is there for her when she falls on her ass and she learns that no one else is there for waiting for her and she learns prince charming is an illusion. i.e. hold out until she re-marries or comes back to you - then you and your daughter can know that you didn't give up. She probably will come back in months or a couple of years - but most people have already moved on to someone else. Ultimate perseverence... try to enjoy yourself without becoming seriously involved with someone else or doing anything that would put a nail in the coffin to the possibility of reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I'm sure I'll be the only one here to suggest this: Then take the bold step of being the only person who is there for her when she falls on her ass and she learns that no one else is there for waiting for her and she learns prince charming is an illusion. i.e. hold out until she re-marries or comes back to you - then you and your daughter can know that you didn't give up. She probably will come back in months or a couple of years - but most people have already moved on to someone else. Ultimate perseverence... try to enjoy yourself without becoming seriously involved with someone else or doing anything that would put a nail in the coffin to the possibility of reconciliation. Hah, that's the problem. I'm not interested in being a back up plan. It's bold but it's also a gamble. Why should I put myself out there for a woman who doesn't even appreciate me or love me? It's a romantic notion and it's not something I've discounted. I prefer to spend this time rediscovering who I am and improving myself. Why not enjoy the independence I have been given due to my wife's selfish decision. Does that make me selfish? I struggle with this. I struggle because perhaps you are right, SD. Maybe I should wait for her forever. Just because she threw away our marriage, doesn't mean I should encourage her decision. I don't know the answers. I'm searching for them. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 TIY - follow the advice on the thread you linked me to yesterday. Dating - "do not enter into a relationship unless you are certain you won't go running back to your ex" if they really want you back... and with 2 yo D I think you and I both know what the right thing to do is... Reconciliation - "no magic fixes", "but there is plenty you can do to decrease your chances" of reconciliation... dating others is probably the worst. Certainly shouldn't wait forever... but at least can you wait while you are stilll married ? If she finalizes a divorce then you would be single then... a swinging bachelor... but you are not that now. You admitted you made mistakes in your marriage, as did I... Give it a chance... try to become just friends again and see it it can build from there. Next time I have contact with my STBXW, I have to try to be ultra nice to try to reopen the communication. Too much NC, and I'm afraid she will forget me... Have to have NC until harch feelings go away, but know when it is right to restart C - I think the thread said that Ex has to restart C. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 I just wanted to let everyone know that my wife and I are working everything out. We have had some good talks and I have made some changes that probably needed to be made, both for my family and myself. I want to thank everyone for their responses and time, I really appreciate it. If anyone has any questions or what have you on how things got resolved I will be more than happy to answer. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Yes - of course - I am always looking forr advice from those who were able to work things out and how they did it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 We talked this past weekend and she was impressed by some of the changes I was willing to make and have made. The only problem is now I feel a little bit of resentment. I have already given up much to be with her and I get the feeling like it will never be enough. On top of that, when I look at her and think about the things she has had to sacrifice, she hasn't really sacrificed anything. I guess you could say that another part of the problem is her changing identity. She spends so much time at work and is now getting involved with after work events with co workers, which I don't like. The reason I don't like it is that she was complaining about not spending enough time with the baby before, but now by the time she gets home there isn't enough time to spend with the both the baby and myself. I feel that I have no life anymore outside of my son. When she gets home it is almost time for the baby to go to bed, and after he goes to bed she gets on her cell phone or goes and takes a shower and goes to bed. She has been a little more affectionate, but it doesn't mean as much to me now because I feel it is more consolation than anything. She sent me an email yesterday telling me she was going to an exercise class with a coworker and I told her that if she didn't have energy during the week to have sex with me, then how does she have the energy to go off with her friend? She agreed not to go, but then later asked me if she could go to the class if it is earlier in the evening. She just doesn't get it. I give up. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Sounds like the same thing I need to do - once/if we get back to regular conversations. I have the same communications issues with Ex. - It was that I couldn't ever do enough to make her happy. I have to change completely to satisfy her and she will stay the same. "I'm the one with the problem" Right Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 What an insensitive bitch! good lord. Mal what would happen if you filed for divorce? I think you deserve better treatment she puts others before you and then when she knows it's wrong she continues to do so!!! OMFG. I think it's time to go to a lawyer and find out your rights. Sounds to me like she values her freedom more than her marriage. and if that's the case then give it to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 I don't think that divorce is the answer but I am not sure what the answer is. It may be that I notice things now that I didn't really notice as much before. For example, her best friends birthday is coming up, as was my brother and niece's birthday. She shipped off her friends gift right away, and wrapped the gifts for my brother and niece but is leaving me to ship off the gifts myself. I already work an 8 hour day and then take care of my 1 year old son until she comes home at 6-7 pm. She could have easily done it for me but left it for me to do. We had a counseling session the other day and the counselor asked what I wanted to change. I am not really a demanding kind of guy and I told him I just wanted her to be around more. The counselor seems to think that we are resolving our problems but I feel like they haven't been resolved. She is the one getting what she wants and I feel like I am getting nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I do not think divorce is the answer either, especially with a 1 yo son. Having a child changes the dynamic of relationships and seems all to frequently to lead to divorce and the couple never seems to meet each others needs and expectations anymore - all of that is going to the child. Give your W space and understanding and love if/when she wants it... that's all you can do. Continue to be a great dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 Yes but the dynamic seems to be favoring her more than myself, and that is what the problem is. I am probably one of the most understanding people out there but only to a certain extent. In my mind, being understanding does not mean I should get walked all over and placed second or third in my partner's priorities. She has more than enough space during the inordinate amount of time she has been spending away from myself and the baby and if she wants more space than that there is the door sweetheart. Honestly, I won't sit here and pine over someone who just really isn't into her family. Life is too short. Where my problem lies is communicating these things to her in a calm fashion. Link to post Share on other sites
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