TrustInYourself Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Express understanding. Honestly, you can not be told how to have this conversation. You are going to have to do it your way. Just go into it remembering what I have said and try to apply it. As I said before, emotions are going to be strong. They are your enemy. Rational thought and understanding will make way for actions and conversations that will bring your wife back to the table to discuss your marriage. Best of luck and I am with you. If you want, I can tell you how my talk went. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Mal - Holy S**t - you are married to my wife !!!! exact same words she said to me - I mean exactly !!! I'll be damned, this sounds so frekin familiar to what my STBXW wrote me too. It's as though they don't take into consideration anything they did from the time they said I do that would account for them pushing you away too. It's like the no blame game, you are guilty of being a prick from the time of I do, meanwhile she is blameless. Give me a break. Been there too, this is really bizarre. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Mal - How did last night go ? Conversation ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Hey guys, Last night went ok. I kept it to light conversation. She took my son out to Target to get a gift for my niece. I don't get why she would continue to do things like that if she is considering divorce/seperation and thinks my family doesn't care about her. I went and saw a movie to get my mind of things. Of course it didn't work. When I got home she was asleep on the couch and got up when I came home. She asked me if I wanted to take the bed and I said no. I told her I would take the bed tomorrow. On a side note, I had quit sleeping in the room to give her space. She seemed to not care one way or the other if I slept in bed. Does anyone think this is of any significance? I saw her messing around with her cell phone and she explained to me that she was reading an email from her sister (the email chain that talked badly about me of course). I said "Oh, I don't care". Like she didn't have to explain it to me. She then came over and briefly nuzzled against my chest and then got into bed. I tucked her in, kissed her on the cheek and left. This morning I got ready and as she was getting ready she told me I looked handsome in what I was wearing. I asked her slyly if it was a turn you on kind of shirt and she said seemed to stutter a bit and then told me that if she was a stranger than yeah. I said "Ah". She then told me that yes, she did find it sexy. Sadly, I made a bit of a goof and spoke about seperation. Because of what her emails said yesterday, I told her how I truly cared for her family (and pointed out examples such as how I had wanted her nephew to live with us) and that my family loved her. I told her no matter what I wanted a good relationship with her and if she needed to seperate than to do it because she herself is unhappy. The changes she wants made are not worthy of a seperation/divorce (I didn't tell her that though). I got a little teary but not much. I then gave her a kiss (though I am not sure she wanted one or not) and left. She asked if we could watch a movie together and get a pizza tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Mal - believe it or not, I am extremely jealous. She is in your life and you have a solid opportunity to make it work. I wish I new 9 months ago what I know now... I might have been in a place to save my marriage. My marriage is virtually hopeless now. Keep up your good work and keep conversations positive and you will work it out. Congratuations !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 SD, I am not really that confident things are going to work out. Everything coming out of her mouth about me has been negative, especially to her family. I leave on a trip with the baby on Sunday and that gives her 4 days to herself. She will not give me an answer on what she wants to do until I return from my trip. Why, I do not know. I know she is planning to go out to dinner with a friend and probably hit some clubs or what not. She is still living with me because the house is in her name and she doesn't really have anywhere else to go (though she has more options than I do). I am just so lost. I wish I could sleep or want to eat and I have no hunger and no tiredness. I even took two muscle relaxes to go to sleep and I got a whopping 4 hours. I don't even know anyone in this damn city. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 She lives with you - which gives you much more hope than others here. Just keep positive, have positive conversations, enjoy each others company and you can save your marriage... you are in a slump right now - work through it, learn from it, grow from it... and you can have a much stronger marriage than you had before all of this started. My STBXW moved out and bought her own house and we have a legal separation - I talk with her briefly once or twice a week - what are my chances ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 It is so hard to keep positive. I gave up everything for her to move her and be with her. Now she is telling me that after a year and a half she could be done with me. The only things I am learning right now are negative. I am not even concerned for myself now I am concerned for my family unit and it is going to break apart. I want to stop invading her privacy but I just feel like I have to know what is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Hope is positive. Getting a snuggle from your wife is positive. Having conversations with your wife is positive. The ability to sleep with your wife is positive - tonight after movie and dinner - just snuggle and spoon with her and go no further - just hold her. God I miss that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 That, or she pities me. Take your pick. I'd vote for the latter myself. I'll be she can't wait for me to get out of the house and go on this trip. It's probably why she is in a good mood, because the baby and I will be out of her hair and she can do what she pleases. Now I go on this trip and have to look forward to having my oh so loving and understanding wife take my son away from me when i get back so she can "be selfish" because she never got to be "selfish" before because she was always in relationships. She sent this to her sister yesterday. I want EVERYONE to leave me alone! I need to make a decision on whether or not I think I can be happy with Maladjusted, and whether or not I need to stay in this marriage, regardless of what you, or anyone else thinks. I don't need anyone telling me that as long as he doesn't cheat, and works, that I should be content. I am not content, and I am not happy. I haven't even been married for two years, and I am feeling this way. I am not worried about the baby because the baby will be fine. I will be fine, even if it means as a single mother. I don't need people crying and being depressed over this. I am FINE! Maladjusted is a sweet guy, nice, and funny, but I don't need a sweet, nice and funny guy to help raise a family, and to be in love with, to feel secure with, to feel protected with, to know that when life is tough, that he will be the strong one keeping our family together, and to live with for the rest of my life. I made a mistake in rushing to marry him. I should've gotten to know him better, and should not have let my excitement of going to a new state (california) to see him over shadow what I was really feeling. I don't think I was ever really in love. I really should've taken time alone, after breaking up with _____ to find myself, and to be selfish and do things for me. I am a good woman, which would be why Maladjusted is not taking this very well, but I don't need anyone telling me to stop me wanting to separate because they feel sorry for Maladjusted, or because I should be feeling sorry for Maladjusted. He will be ok! Please, just stay out of it. I will decide what's best for my future, and for the baby's future. The baby will always have his parents in his life, and we both love him very much! How is that for a hopeful situation? Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 to help raise a family, and to be in love with, to feel secure with, to feel protected with, to know that when life is tough, that he will be the strong one keeping our family together, and to live with for the rest of my life. How is that for a hopeful situation? How do you get her private e-mails ? Does she know you have access to them ? If she does, maybe she is trying to communicate with you ? If not, then she is twisting you up good... So much insight to her private e-mail Well... you seem to be in a more dire situation than she is telling you - that is for sure... and she has been talking with her family a great deal about this. But damn - that is such a tough spot to be in... she is fighting with everyone to be free and happy. And she has put in writing exactly how she feels. Ouch !!! You have good qualities that she appreciates - but that is not enough... The part of her quote may be your opportunity. She says exactly what she needs... "when life is tough, H will be the one keeping the family together" which is exactly what you are trying to do... So I would say keep it up... be the strong one for your family to keep it together. Make her feel secure. Make love bank deposits. Her thoughts may be exactly what my wife felt when she started this - likely the way she stills feel now - or will feel after she discovers that freedom is not all that it is cracked up to be. Stay strong to keep your family together... do not give her an inkling that you are willing to give up - you love her, you love your child - you will do whatever it takes to keep your family together... yet at the same time not having her feel trapped or restricted by you.... tough balancing act. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 I have her password. She gave it to me long ago. She has mine as well. I told her I wouldn't snoop anymore and I am trying to help it I just want to know what is going on and what I am up against. I am trying to leave her alone but I want to work together to solve the problems we have been having. I guess I can't do that though if she isn't open to listening. How do I make her feel secure? I don't know what to do other than what I have been doing already! I am finishing my degree and then going for my masters. I am trying to pay bills off so we can save for the future! I have told her everything I would like to do. She says she would like to be happy about it but that I should have done it long ago. I really don't know how to hold my family together if she feels she needs to break it apart. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Mal - You have to satisfy her EN's - her emotional needs... You need to find out what her emotional needs are and how you can meet them.. look at marriagebuilders.com and Dr. Harley's books and Gary Chapman's books. I think there is also a book with "emotional needs" in the title.. I have to do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 She is rewriting history when she says she never loved you. Thats typical. Its really up to you to judge your heart and determine what is right for your situation. I apologize if I misunderstood your feelings on the matter and provided advice that is contrary to how you feel. I suggest you evaluate how you feel about her. Whether or not you can give her space and time. Whether or not you want to be married to a woman who needs time to be selfish. Thats your call. I am sorry to hear how dire things are. Hopefully, you know you are better than all that. She knows you are a good man and time and patience are on your side. My prior advice still stands, since its going to help you out whether you are married or getting a divorce. Keeping things cool is usually best for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 She is rewriting history when she says she never loved you. Thats typical. This is what I am not understanding. Why is she being so hard on me to her family, telling me she doesn't think she ever loved me, and yet still hasn't decided what she is going to do? Any answers? Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 There are no answers to irrationality. I would pick up some those books to read on your "off" time... See if LadyJane or Owl have any suggestions... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Do you think it is irrationality or something else? Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 That's for you to decide... Do you think she loved/loves you ? Do you love her and show her your love - did/does she know you love her ? Or did each of you just get married because she was pregnant ? Were you able to build love during your marriage ? Are you still able and willing to love ? Are these feelings just in her mind ? Are they a phase ? Is she in post partum depression ? Do you want to stay married / demostrate your love for her even if she doesn't recriprocate ? How strong is your love for her ? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 This is what I am not understanding. Why is she being so hard on me to her family, telling me she doesn't think she ever loved me, and yet still hasn't decided what she is going to do? Any answers? When you are unhappy and reflect back on the past you will think on the bad times. When you are happy and you reflect on the past you will think about the good times. Her emotions of pain and anguish and the desire to leave, have to be rationalized by the past. She will rationalize her actions and downplay the significance of her selfishness. Do you think she would be willing to leave you without first making sense of that action? Shes already went through all of this emotional and logically for awhile now. The problem is you are not at the same stage. You are struggling to meet her emotionally and logically. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Mal - you have to KNOW in your heart what you want to do - otherwise it will be half-hearted. Regardless of her thoughts... Do you love her enough to fight to keep your marriage ? Do you think it is the right thing to do for you and your child and your family ? In the end, you may not get what you want - she may not change her mind, but at least you will know in your heart you did everything you could. You have a choice to make - a very difficult and life changing choice. You could be setting yourself up for more anguish if it doesn't work, but your heart and mind will be pure... Or you could take the other route and just throw in the towel like she is and give up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 I think she loves/loved me yes. She feels that she was in love with the idea of being married, and that she was caught up in the excitement of being in a long distance relationship and the wedding to truly sort out her feelings. Yes, I feel that I showed her my love. Maybe not as much as I should have, but I always did little things for her. I know that she knows I love her. We did not get married because she was pregnant, but we found out she was pregnant a week after the wedding. Many people have suggested that it could be a hormonal imbalance (including my counselor) or that she is narcissistic, but she doesn't feel that anything is wrong with her. She told me that she planned to see a psychologist while I was gone but I am not sure if that will happen or not. We weren't really able to build love because the entirety of our marriage was based on the baby. We never did have time to ourselves. In fact, the other night she told me that she wished we had been able to date. I want to stay married, but I can't stay married to someone that isn't going to put the effort into trying to resolve issues. She is telling me all the problems, but isn't saying anything about working on them. How strong is my love for her? Strong enough for me to leave everything I knew and everyone I loved to move her to be with her. If she leaves me and moves on to someone else, I have nothing here but my son. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Well It sounds like there are enough reasons for you to try to save the marriage, even if she doesn't try. She's being selfish - but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to give up trying and adding to hte love bank. What do you have to lose that you might have already lost (other than a more few months of your life) ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 I am writing her a letter to leave with her when the baby and I leave. Do you think it is a good idea? In this letter, I am just kind of pouring out my heart about all the issues we have discussed. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I did the same thing to no avail - it is fine to do it but... Be sure not to write anything that you wouldn't want her attorney to drool over - Admit to nothing, nothing negative, nothing saying you didn't take care of your son, nothing to give cause for fault in divorce. State everything to the positive - you love her dearly, you would do anything for her or your son... Of course, she could use "anything" against you and hold you to it later. And actions speak louder than words. Thus - it is a very difficult letter to write - May even advise you to write it to clarify your thoughts so you can act on them, but not actually give it to her or have her find it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I am writing her a letter to leave with her when the baby and I leave. Do you think it is a good idea? In this letter, I am just kind of pouring out my heart about all the issues we have discussed. What do you think? She already knows your issues. Nothing that you say is going to reach her. Only your ACTIONS will have weight. Pull back from initiating relationship talk and allow her to OBSERVE just how fabulous you are. She's so busy trying to get away... it hasn't really sunk in yet that she might really lose you when it's all said and done. Link to post Share on other sites
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