Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 She already knows your issues. Nothing that you say is going to reach her. Only your ACTIONS will have weight. Pull back from initiating relationship talk and allow her to OBSERVE just how fabulous you are. She's so busy trying to get away... it hasn't really sunk in yet that she might really lose you when it's all said and done. Ladyjane, do you think that from everything you have read her leaving is that is what is going to happen? Why do you think she hasn't told me yet? Do you think she already knows what she is going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Ladyjane, do you think that from everything you have read her leaving is that is what is going to happen? Why do you think she hasn't told me yet? Do you think she already knows what she is going to do? I think so. She's not going to come straight out with it. She wants to avoid conflict. Reading her email to her sister basically spelled it out for you. Most spouses choose to do separation so that they slowly allow their husband's to accept the fact of divorce. They want it over. Any attempts to convince her otherwise will most likely just make her feel trapped. Hence her reaction to her sister/family giving her advice to work it out and her refusal. Stop resisting. Give the dumb woman her selfish freedom. Let her go out and bang her manager, bang some other random dudes. That should make her realize how good she has it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 I think so. She's not going to come straight out with it. She wants to avoid conflict. Reading her email to her sister basically spelled it out for you. Most spouses choose to do separation so that they slowly allow their husband's to accept the fact of divorce. They want it over. Any attempts to convince her otherwise will most likely just make her feel trapped. Hence her reaction to her sister/family giving her advice to work it out and her refusal. Stop resisting. Give the dumb woman her selfish freedom. Let her go out and bang her manager, bang some other random dudes. That should make her realize how good she has it. I think it may be a good idea for me to go to the doctor after work and get some medication for sleeping. You are right. I think I will stop trying. I just pick up these little things from her and I try not to read into it but I do. This morning she told me how nice a shirt looked on me and how she wanted to get me another one like it. I even told her this morning if she wanted to seperate it was ok because I love her and just want her to be happy. She still "doesn't know". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 I am numb to how she could throw away everything. How she could possibly leave and take my baby away from me to possibly be around some other men. I didn't deserve this. I may not have been a perfect husband but I have done to deserve what I am being put through. I don't know how I can go home and not cry when I see my wife and son and know that they may be soon out of our beautiful home and I will be all alone here. I wish I could do and say something that would bring her back to me. I am so lost. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Pff..please. People are out there dying. Families are being torn apart from civil war and strife. Children are starving to death somewhere. Life goes on. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start feeling good about what's not wrong. There is hope in your marriage and life in general, just stop destroying it by being so negative and woe is me. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Mal - Your anguish is completely understood - Been there, doing that. Believe me - I wish I could help more. But I want you to realize one thing...Realize now, your W is feeling the same feelings you are - turned around... At least in her mind, this is what she is thinking or had already decided (be it right or wrong): How come my Husband doesn't love me that way he should love me ? Can't he realize what he is throwing away by not loving me enough ? I am so alone - my H doesn't understand me, love me, or even friends with me... Better to get out of an unloving relationship then be stuck in unhappiness forever. ... Words aren't enough... actions are needed to change her thought process - and it will be months or years of "being" the right person for her before her mind can change. This is not an overnight process, but months and years of working on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Yeah, you guys are right. I guess I just have to suck it up and put on a positive attitude. I know that nothing is else is going to work besides that. I am going to go back to the bed too. Sleeping on the floor in another room certainly is going to rekindle anything, but it may not be helping anything either. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Mal, I want to be point blank... I'd bet my beak that she's CHEATING. She has someone else. There are SOOOO many red flags in your posts. I just finished reading through your thread. Seriously, I'd bet money on it that she's already AT LEAST emotinally involved with someone else, if not physically. She "needs space". She's using passive-aggressive behavior to keep you off balance. She's gaslighting you...she's making you think that everything is YOUR fault, YOUR issue...not hers. She wants you to stop snooping. She's spending extra time out "with the girls". I could keep going. You NEED to get to the bottom of this. She's going to keep denying and avoiding until you get PROOF. Even then, she may still deny. Get a GPS device in her car. Get a keylogger on the home computer if she uses it. Take a look at her cell phone bill...get an itemized copy of the last several months if you can. I'd ask a friend that she doesn't know to keep an eye on her the next time she goes out. Someone who's face and vehicle she doesn't know. If she's cheating, the only way to put an end to it is to make the affair less attractive and the marriage moreso. It sounds like you're doing the latter part...but the affair is still ongoing, and there is NO WAY you can compete with the fantasy level that is created in these things. Don't stop snooping...time to get into full blasted spy mode! Seriously...you need to get the TRUTH of what is going on in her life. She's HIDING nearly all of it from you. Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I'd also ask her sister and her family if they know what's going on with her. Does she have any local friends that you might feel might "be on your side"? Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Mal - Your anguish is completely understood - Been there, doing that. Believe me - I wish I could help more. But I want you to realize one thing...Realize now, your W is feeling the same feelings you are - turned around... At least in her mind, this is what she is thinking or had already decided (be it right or wrong): How come my Husband doesn't love me that way he should love me ? Can't he realize what he is throwing away by not loving me enough ? I am so alone - my H doesn't understand me, love me, or even friends with me... Better to get out of an unloving relationship then be stuck in unhappiness forever. ... Words aren't enough... actions are needed to change her thought process - and it will be months or years of "being" the right person for her before her mind can change. This is not an overnight process, but months and years of working on it. Nope, she's dickin someother guy and Mal is just in the dark. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Get a GPS device in her car. Get a keylogger on the home computer if she uses it. Take a look at her cell phone bill...get an itemized copy of the last several months if you can. The easiest one is just to check the cell phone records.. If she has a zillion text messages on the bill... she's cheating.. Keylogger is great, especially if she Im's.. You can also figure out what e-mail accounts she has and record her password.. You need to get to the bottom of this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Mal, I want to be point blank... I'd bet my beak that she's CHEATING. She has someone else. There are SOOOO many red flags in your posts. I just finished reading through your thread. Seriously, I'd bet money on it that she's already AT LEAST emotinally involved with someone else, if not physically. She "needs space". She's using passive-aggressive behavior to keep you off balance. She's gaslighting you...she's making you think that everything is YOUR fault, YOUR issue...not hers. She wants you to stop snooping. She's spending extra time out "with the girls". I could keep going. You NEED to get to the bottom of this. She's going to keep denying and avoiding until you get PROOF. Even then, she may still deny. Get a GPS device in her car. Get a keylogger on the home computer if she uses it. Take a look at her cell phone bill...get an itemized copy of the last several months if you can. I'd ask a friend that she doesn't know to keep an eye on her the next time she goes out. Someone who's face and vehicle she doesn't know. If she's cheating, the only way to put an end to it is to make the affair less attractive and the marriage moreso. It sounds like you're doing the latter part...but the affair is still ongoing, and there is NO WAY you can compete with the fantasy level that is created in these things. Don't stop snooping...time to get into full blasted spy mode! Seriously...you need to get the TRUTH of what is going on in her life. She's HIDING nearly all of it from you. Make sense? I really don't think that she is cheating. Emotionally perhaps, but not physically.... I have no friends here that could help me find out what is going on, nor do I have the funds to get that kind of equipment. Sooner or later though the truth will come out. Yes, she is making out everything to be my fault. No denying that. I have access to our cell phone account. Other than some sporadic messages back and forth between her and her manager, there is nothing there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 I'd also ask her sister and her family if they know what's going on with her. Does she have any local friends that you might feel might "be on your side"? I have talked to them. They are completely in the dark on this one. The only sister that might know something is completely loyal to her and wouldn't tell me a damn thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Nope, she's dickin someother guy and Mal is just in the dark. If that is true, I don't really know when she would be doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Jesus Christ I just asked her if she loved me and she couldn't even answer that question. She said "I'm not going to answer that". Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 I'm not so sure and convinced that she's "buffing" some other guy ~ even the manager ~ although its always a possibility. Its coning across to me as though she married young ~ is young and is freaking out that where she at now in live incogrurant with where she thought she would be at this age and stage of her life ~ years ago ~ when she would sit around and day-dream about the future of her life. That the reality of where she's at in life at her current particualar age isn't connecting with what she thought, fantazised, imagined it would be. In short? "Reality? What a concept!" Were it me, I would back off and let her go. If you really truly love her, ~ and I mean really truly love her you would rather see her happy either single and alone or with someone else ~ than miserable in a Life with you. My EX and I were toxic for and with one another, and she was truly miserable with millitary life, but I had too many years invested to just walk away. I even offered to "walk" with sixteen years in the Marine Coros ~ but she knew I loved being a Marine and being in the Marine Corps, and could never ask me "just give it up" Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Being a carrer Marine, (Police Officer, State Trooper) is a calling, and in a sense you've already have a mistress in your carrer/job. We have a saing in the Marine Corps, "If the Corps wanted you to have a Wife, they would have issued you one at supply!" and "The toughest job in the Marine Corps, is being a Marine's Wife!" What I'm saying is that your wife isn't happy with her life in CA, and she's not happy with her life with you. Not per say because of you, just the dynamics of it all. The macro and the micro, the day to day. Most of her discontent isn't it would seem be with you? As it is with the day-to-day dynamics that make up her life. Therefore its not so much that you are "flawed" nor any changes that you can nor cannot make ~ that is to say ~ its not about you ~ its about her and the choices that she has to make to make herself happy ~ and that may possibly mean a life without you. That fact is inconsequential to her own personal happiness and self contentment. LJ (Lady Jane) spoke of one's own personal self-respect, contentment, happiness, self-esteem, etc. That very much comes from within. But is very hard to obtain and achieve. I'm probally one of only a few who because of my childhood, military training and self discipline who have "willed" myself to be single, content, happy and alone? But even for me its been very difficult and has required great preserverance. In my last letter I ever wrote my ex-wife I told her: "I love you dearly, I will always love you, as a person, as a woman, as the Mother of my Children. But we are toxic to and for one another. I'm in love with you and always will be, but oftentimes the very person we love and are in-love with can be the absolute worse for one another. Mentally, physically, psychollogically. I can no longer live like this, and neither can you ~ but all the more important? Neither can our most beloved children. I rather see you Happy with another man, than live a life of misery with me! I love you that much! She's been married to husband No.# 3 for eighteen years. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Jesus Christ I just asked her if she loved me and she couldn't even answer that question. She said "I'm not going to answer that". Why do you keep pushing? So many times we have told you to just can it and relax. Stop putting yourself through this and just lay back a bit. If she wants to separate, then let her do it. This is where you need to be more of a man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 Why do you keep pushing? So many times we have told you to just can it and relax. Stop putting yourself through this and just lay back a bit. If she wants to separate, then let her do it. This is where you need to be more of a man. I know. She even hates me calling her "honey". I am just going to be respectful to her the next two days before I leave and quit with the questions and romantic overtures. It is getting me nowhere and it is aggravating her. I just need to accept the fact that the likelihood is strong that we will not be together anymore. I am just crushed that she doesn't care about me enough to tell me that. Link to post Share on other sites
Navin_R_Johnson Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Right now, any relationship talk, calling her "honey", saying "I love you", or asking her if she loves you...... just pushes her away or reminds her that she can't reply back in kind. Stop this talk for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 Right now, any relationship talk, calling her "honey", saying "I love you", or asking her if she loves you...... just pushes her away or reminds her that she can't reply back in kind. Stop this talk for now. Yeah, you are absolutely right Navin. I just don't understand what is so complicated about answering the question on whether or not you love someone. It seems like such a simple question. She probably thinks I am trying to manipulate her answer. I just need to know if this is something that can be worked on or not. I guess I don't really have a choice. If only one person is working on the marriage then nothing can be done. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Mal - I do not think your W is having an affair - she would have not mentioned another child with you as "sperm donor" if she were with another guy. She just needs space... be there for her only when she comes to you asking for it. My W gets mad if I call her my wife, honey or dear. Just another love bank withdrawal. If she doesn't want to hear it do not say it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 Mal - I do not think your W is having an affair - she would have not mentioned another child with you as "sperm donor" if she were with another guy. She just needs space... be there for her only when she comes to you asking for it. My W gets mad if I call her my wife, honey or dear. Just another love bank withdrawal. If she doesn't want to hear it do not say it. You are right SD. I feel I may have dug myself a hole to big to climb out of here. Before I leave, I kind of want to tell her how sorry I am for not leaving her alone, that people in love sometimes do stupid things. Then again, part of me doesn't feel like apologizing because I have been left in such agony over all of this and everything I sacrificed just to be with her and she seems not to have a care in the world about it. Then again, she did announce that she felt like being "selfish". Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 When someone is being selfish, they don't want other people to be nice to them. It reminds them of the selfishness of their choices and actions. SD is right...when you tell her "I love you" or whatever...right now, she doesn't want to respond to that. And...telling her that as a "phishing expedition" looking for her to say it back is also just going to make her angry, and push her away...its NOT going to get you what you want. I'll drop off on the "other guy" possibility...and instead suggest you do the same thing I was suggesting for SD. Like Gunny, I'm an ex-military combat vet. I was an Army SGT for a long time...and how I deal with things often comes from that. The bottom line is...you need to FIRMLY establish your goal(s). Get them clearly spelled out in your mind. Then sit down and figure out what you need to do to get there...put that together to make your plan on accomplishing your mission. There are a number of good books out there that you can use a decent resource if you don't have any good ideas on how to get to your goals. "His Needs/Her Needs"..."The Five Love Languages"...both good resources for understanding love and relationships and emotional needs. Flailing around..."fishing"...isn't going to reach your GOALS. Stop focusing or putting effort into anything that isn't directly lined up to getting your goals. Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maladjusted Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 It does. Do you think I should apologize to her for the way I have been acting or should I just completely leave the subject alone altogether? Link to post Share on other sites
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