Found a note admitting she cheated: Should I send her home or suck back my pride?

[kev22]

I'm new to this community, but thought I would start with an open question to get some opinions. Heres my situation:

 

I have been dating my girlfriend for close to two years. Due to factors beyond our control after 9 months together we were forced to spend 14 months in a cross country long distance relationship. We would see each other once about every 2-3 months, and as tough as it was, we managed. The final and longest stretch of 5 months just ended and she finally is in town with me to stay. Everything was going well, until I accidentally found a message from her admitting to a friend that she had made out with a close male friend of hers the night before she flew down here to be with me. As for the details of that night, she had been attracted to him for a couple weeks, and they met at a coffee shop to talk and they kissed at her car right before leaving (that was the extent of it.)

 

Needless to say there was an unpleasant confrontation about it. She claimed she was planning to tell me, she was just being a chicken about it. She was extremely apologetic, and emotionally broke down in front of me. As close as I was to making her leave immediately (paying for an expensive flight back home), I chose not to so I would have some time to think about it. She is living with me right now, 2000+ miles from her family, so making her leave would be a big deal and basically irreversible.

 

I personally have zero tolerance for cheating and never was unfaithful to her. I also am bothered that she didn't straight up tell me, though if she told me before flying down I would have told her not to come. On the other hand, we did go 5 months with only telephone interaction, and I know she is easily influenced by others. We are finally at a point where there is no more 'visiting each other,' we have a chance to try things out and see how our relationship will go. She is very apologetic and 100% committed to 'whatever it takes' to continue being with me.

 

So should I send her home and cut things off, or suck back my pride and give her another chance? Once a 'cheat=always a cheat', or do the circumstances she was in exempt her from that?

 

Thanks if you read all of this, and I'd love any feedback or advice you all might have..

[Leikela]

This is definitely a difficult situation for you. I would say that the long distance between the two of you is probably what spurred on her cheating. We all have needs and she probably missed the intimacy she had with you. However, that is really NO EXCUSE considering she was going to be seeing you in a few days.

 

I would be wary of her, but first, try and get a reason from her exactly WHY she felt the need to kiss this guy. When you're totally into someone else, you don't go kissing other guys. It just doesn't happen.

 

On a side note, I kissed my current boyfriend when I was with another guy. It was the first and only time I cheated but it alerted me to the fact that maybe my boyfriend at the time just wasn't doing it for me. I broke up with him and am now very happy with my current boyfriend.

 

I think that whenever problems arise for the both of you you'll always have a suspicion that she's cheating. Do you want to live the rest of your life like that? Will you ever be able to trust her 100% again?

 

Like I said before, talk to her again before making a rash decision. Find out why she did this and how to prevent anything like this happening again. I wish you luck!!

[kev22]

Originally posted by Leikela

I would be wary of her, but first, try and get a reason from her exactly WHY she felt the need to kiss this guy. When you're totally into someone else, you don't go kissing other guys.

 

Her explanation was the 5 months we had spent apart (though still dating), she was excited by the idea of physically being around someone, and she described it as an "accident" that she immediately wanted to take back. Not that any of it is really an "excuse" but it does give me a small amount of compassion.

 

Thats a good point about the issue of trust; even though I think the situation is different with her actually around me, it would take alot of time and effort to rebuild what we had.

[maskee28]

I agree with Leikela...if you ever have to be apart in the future, you may always wonder if she is cheating on you again. Trust is very hard to rebuild. I don't know if you can ever get it completely back.

 

The thing that bothers me, is that you two were apart for a long time - 14 months - and then the night before you are to be reunited, she goes and kisses some guy. Why break down at the very end of the separation? Wouldn't you just be excited about the fact that you'll soon be physically back together with your boyfriend? Makes you wonder how truly committed she is/was to the relationship.

[Neo]

Long distance relationships are difficult because essentially you are attempting to create a relationship that is as strong as one if you two were able to see each other everyday, but of course such is not the case. More factors (mainly distance) are involved which make these relationships difficult. It takes a strong will to remain 100% faithful to someone who you aren't able to see on a regular basis, I think.

 

I wouldn't let it get to your head... give her a little bit more time for thigns to settle down. She was obviously upset over it; she has feelings for you, not some guy she kissed. All I can say is try to use some empathy, and tell your girlfriend that she should too.

 

Maskee: Sometimes people, at the brink of excitement, cannot wait any longer and sometimes have to substitute. This is a FAR cry from an accurate analogy, but yesterday I was at McDonalds going back in via drive-thru to get my missing hot mustard sauce for my nuggets... literally ten seconds before I got my mustard, I couldn't take it anymore! I devoured like 3 nuggets.

 

I apologize for this horrible example but at least it gives a vague idea I suppose. However there is little room for error in cases like these.

[midori]

I did a long distance relationship for two years, and I really loved my boyfriend. Thus, as Leikela observed, I wasn't interested in kissing another guy. Despite the fact that we'd go for three or four months without seeing each other and I often longed for physical contact. Physical contact with my boyfriend, not with just any guy.

 

You say that she's easily influenced by other people. That doesn't bode well, does it? Even though she's living with you now, are you going to be with her 24/7 to make sure that she doesn't find herself in the wrong company?

 

Another thing that doesn't sit well with me is the fact that she told anyone, even her closest friend, about this incident. If, as she said, it was a mistake that she immediately regretted and wished she could take back, I find it strange that she chose to tell anyone about it. Why would she want her friend to know that she messed up? If she were a scrupulously honest person with a whole lot of integrity I could understand her confessing to you about it and asking for forgiveness. But she didn't do that. The fact that she did tell her friend but didn't tell you makes me think that maybe the kiss was more significant than she's letting on.

 

Lastly, isn't it a little strange that she chose to go out for coffee with the guy even though she'd been developing an attraction to him for a couple of weeks? I think it's strange; but then again, when I'm in love with someone I really don't have eyes for anyone else, so maybe I just can't relate to her way of loving.

 

It's not the kiss itself that is so troubling (I mean, kissing someone else isn't great but it's not the end of the world), it's the way she handled it, and the way she got herself into the situation in the first place. I don't think I would be able to trust her. Someone who is "easily influenced" by others sounds like an adolescent, or an adult without much character. It didn't just happen, she made a series of bad decisions: going out with the guy, kissing the guy, telling her friend about it before she told you.

 

Tough call. You should go with your gut instinct on this I think.

[bryanp]

Something does not sound right here. I would think especially the night before she is to fly down and be with you that she would be so excited that she would be unable to think of anything else. Instead she goes to a coffee shop and makes out with some guy and later tells you it was an accident? It was definately no accident. She made a choice to hang with another guy the night before she flies to see you and she made a deliberate choice to kiss him. It does not sound like an accident to me. I just don't get it that you would this if you waited so long the night before you were to leave to be with you.

My conclusion is that there is a possibility that no matter what you think this may not have been the first time. It may have been the fact that this was the first time she got caught. She did not confess to you because she said she was chicken to do so? Now you know in the future she would rather keep secrets then tell you the truth. I wish you luck but I got a hunch that there is more to this story than you know. To this the night before simply does not make sense unless it happened previously and it certainly was no accident. I would be very very cautious if I was you. This is just my opinion.

[inneed29]

Hi i think you should just go with the flow if you really love her and i can tell you do..youre just hurt now ..time does heal everything...im sure she is truly sorry for what she did..we all make mistakes thats what makes us human right? You evidently want to make it work or you would have sent her packing when you found out..give it some time see how you guys feelings evolve ..then think about where the future is gonna go...im sure everything will be great for you two..best wishes and good luck

[usaf718]

kev,

 

I agree with the majority here. She holds out 5 months, then breaks down the night before coming back to you??? Makes me wonder how much she missed you that 5 months... Seems more like she didn't want to miss her chance to kiss this other guy. How close were they while she was gone anyway???

 

Also, you said she's easily influenced. Sounds more like she easily influences. She's got you making up her excuses for her. You said it...you didn't cheat. It's rough that she's living with you, and I hope she's paying rent. If her family is 1-2000 miles away I'm sure you 2 will be spending more time apart in the future. If you keep her around you better make her work for your trust.

 

I'd want more details as far as who kissed who, and you'll never know if she really was planning on telling you.

[moimeme]

I disagree with the majority. You say she's genuinely remorseful. That makes a huge difference. If she were trying to tell you it was nothing to worry about and that you should not be upset, then I'd say you have a problem. However, she feels very bad about it and told you so. There might have just been one tiny little 'I wonder if my love for him is real' about what she did. She kissed the other guy and decided she wants you. She is now miles from the other guy. She was just about to re-commit to you after a long separation and maybe had a tiny doubt about you were really 'the one'. So she checked it out. If she was living with you full time, I wouldn't say the same thing but because you were apart for so long, I think you need to give her some slack. She didn't sleep with him. There was no groping. It was only a kiss.

 

I would say that in this case, given its circumstances, you should definitely forgive her and give her another chance. Let her prove to you that she really cares. Look at it this way - maybe she thought for a few seconds that the grass might be greener on the other side and then realized it wasn't. You won by comparison with the other guy and she realized it's you she really wants. You have been together a couple days only after all this time, after all. Don't end a wonderful relationship over this.