Living Together: Doing Your Best to Make It Work

[Zapbasket]

At this time two weeks from now, I will be ensconced 2000 miles away in my new home: my boyfriend's house. I've never lived with a boyfriend before. So I decided to start this thread to solicit input and discussion from and among people with more cohabitation / relationship experience than I have. What's are things you wish people had told you about living with your significant other the first time you did it? What are the biggest challenges to living together, in your experience? How do you handle things like inequality in incomes, difference in career stage, age difference, accommodating friends, keeping the relationship fresh, keeping the sex fun and frequent, sharing responsibilities, balancing alone time vs. together time?

 

In my case, I've known my boyfriend for 6 months and he's 49 and I'm 31. I'd love to hear stories, advice, musings on what you'd do differently if you've experienced a breakup that you feel owed largely to problems living together, etc.

[Haloandhorns85]

At this time two weeks from now, I will be ensconced 2000 miles away in my new home: my boyfriend's house. I've never lived with a boyfriend before. So I decided to start this thread to solicit input and discussion from and among people with more cohabitation / relationship experience than I have. What's are things you wish people had told you about living with your significant other the first time you did it? What are the biggest challenges to living together, in your experience? How do you handle things like inequality in incomes, difference in career stage, age difference, accommodating friends, keeping the relationship fresh, keeping the sex fun and frequent, sharing responsibilities, balancing alone time vs. together time?

 

In my case, I've known my boyfriend for 6 months and he's 49 and I'm 31. I'd love to hear stories, advice, musings on what you'd do differently if you've experienced a breakup that you feel owed largely to problems living together, etc.

 

 

I've lived with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. But we are also younger so my experience may be different from older people on ls. Anyways, I have found the biggest problem living together is learning not to take each other for granted. After being together in the same house for years, its hard to be appreciative of one another. But if you make it a point to do something nice for each other at least once a day, you say thank you when the other does something for you, tell each other you love one another everyday, just make it a point to show love for one another every single day...then you should be good. (That came straight from a couples couselor.) We have a good balance on housework and paying bills. The big thing with my relationship though is that we share bank accounts. That was the only way we could solve our financial difficulties. He made a lot more than I did and it was his idea. He actually pushed me into sharing a bank account. Anyways, I digress...another problem I have run into while cohabiting is that it kinda erases any timeline for moving forward in the relationship. Unless you have no plans to want to marry him, of course. As far as keeping the relationship fresh..lol..if you get advice on that one I'd love to know the answer! I try but it doesn't really ever go back to how it used to be. I guess the best advice I can give you is to keep the communication open and easy so if a problem with cohabiting does arrise, you can address it before it comes between you. Every couple is different and every person's expectations are different. The key to any successful relationship is communicating well and often.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks Halo. Actually, the bank account bit is really helpful. My partner is MUCH more well off financially than I am. I've only been out of grad school since fall 2006, and the industry in which I worked until May of this year is about as low-capital as you can get, added to the fact that I've been living in probably the most expensive city in the country. So as you can imagine I REALLY don't have a lot of money.

 

Meanwhile, my partner's investments alone made over 100k this past year. He has said he doesn't care how little money I have. Really, I have so little money that frankly he IS going to have to pay for everything. I'm not sure what the boundaries are on this kind of thing. I don't know what's fair to ask for. Friends tell me that I should feel comfortable expecting the same level of generosity I'd give if I were the one with the financial stability, and I knlow if the situation were reversed I'd be so glad to have him with me that I'd not mind paying for everything. So...should he pay for our food, household items, recreation, etc.? What are the boundaries and how did you navigate the financial disparity in your relationship?

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks Halo. Actually, the bank account bit is really helpful. My partner is MUCH more well off financially than I am. I've only been out of grad school since fall 2006, and the industry in which I worked until May of this year is about as low-capital as you can get, added to the fact that I've been living in probably the most expensive city in the country. So as you can imagine I REALLY don't have a lot of money.

 

Meanwhile, my partner's investments alone made over 100k this past year. He has said he doesn't care how little money I have. Really, I have so little money that frankly he IS going to have to pay for everything. I'm not sure what the boundaries are on this kind of thing. I don't know what's fair to ask for. Friends tell me that I should feel comfortable expecting the same level of generosity I'd give if I were the one with the financial stability, and I knlow if the situation were reversed I'd be so glad to have him with me that I'd not mind paying for everything. So...should he pay for our food, household items, recreation, etc.? What are the boundaries and how did you navigate the financial disparity in your relationship?

 

If you are not financially stable I would NOT recommend moving in together. Sharing finances is important, and if you have no money to contribute to it might start to cause issues for you (arguments, ect). You are saying that he doesn't care how little money you have..okay but I guarantee he is going to get frustrated about it at some point. Living together is about both of you contributing to the relationship, not one person sponging off the other.

 

I understand you are struggling with money, been there, done that. I did stay with him as he stayed with me in my apartment when I was broke and in college, it probably wouldn't have gone over too well if I had lived with him full time and he had paid for everything in our apartment. Not saying this would happen, but if you did get in a fight he could possibly hold that over your head (not saying he would neccessarily do that) but it may be quite possible that he will end up resenting being "Mr. Money bags."

 

Also I see he is almost 20 years older than you. Does that ever cause an issue in your relationship?

 

Of course I could be DEAD WRONG about all of this. If he really is okay with footing the bill and having you live there virtually free, then I say go for it, but it is quite possible that it may cause you some difficulty down the line.

[Haloandhorns85]

Thanks Halo. Actually, the bank account bit is really helpful. My partner is MUCH more well off financially than I am. I've only been out of grad school since fall 2006, and the industry in which I worked until May of this year is about as low-capital as you can get, added to the fact that I've been living in probably the most expensive city in the country. So as you can imagine I REALLY don't have a lot of money.

 

Meanwhile, my partner's investments alone made over 100k this past year. He has said he doesn't care how little money I have. Really, I have so little money that frankly he IS going to have to pay for everything. I'm not sure what the boundaries are on this kind of thing. I don't know what's fair to ask for. Friends tell me that I should feel comfortable expecting the same level of generosity I'd give if I were the one with the financial stability, and I knlow if the situation were reversed I'd be so glad to have him with me that I'd not mind paying for everything. So...should he pay for our food, household items, recreation, etc.? What are the boundaries and how did you navigate the financial disparity in your relationship?

 

 

This is where the communication comes in. Before, note that I said before, you move in, talk with him about the financial aspect of cohabiting. It is a big deal if you two aren't on the same page. I was lucky, my man did not have a problem being the major contributor to the bills. I have found though, with my experience and situations I've seen with friends, most of the men are actually happy to be able to take care of their woman. It would be a totally different siutation if the finances were the other way around with you pulling in the big bucks. Just simply tell him that you want to make sure you are both in sync with how money and bills will be handled so that you could possibly avoid a potential relationship-ending-problem. Because money is a BIG deal when living together. My experience was a whirl-wind now that I look back on it. We actually bought a place together the same month we combined our bank accounts. So, pretty much from the beginning of our cohabiting our finances have been tied together. The boundaries are different for each couple and each person. We navigated ours pretty well, but we are still working on perfecting it, lol. All I really know to tell you is that you need to bring this up before you move in with him. If you wait, you may be setting yourself up for a very big and difficult problem. Sorry I can't answer your question completely...it's just different for everyone. You just have to talk to him. Perfect chance to test out your communication skills that a healthy relationship needs!

[Touche]

You ask for a lot of advice so I wouldn't know where to begin.

 

My ex was 19 years older than me. So I have experience with the age difference issue.

 

My biggest piece of advice here is to make sure you have your OWN money. Don't leave yourself vulnerable.

 

I question a man who wants to be in a relationship with a woman that much younger than himself. There are usually control issues. I hope it's not the case in your relationship but that was certainly the case in mine and others I've seen wit this kind of age disparity.

 

So that's my one piece of advice. Have your own money. Don't put yourself in too vulnerable position. And if he starts lording over the difference in income, head for the hills. It will be all downhill from there.

[Touche]

I do have a question for you. You say you know him for 6 months. Has this been a long distance relationship throughout the time you've known him?

 

Little alarm bells are going off in my head now.

[Haloandhorns85]

Yeah, I would have to agree with Touche. I didn't want to say whether it was a bad idea to move in with a man you've known 6 months in a long distance relationship because that's not what you asked advice about. However, I really really do agree with not leaving yourself too vulnerable. Especially with a man you don't know too well.

[saraispiel19]

I don't think it's a good idea. It's only been six months. You both need to get to know eachother's priorities straight and just get to know eachother better- maybe start by visiting more; spending weekends together or BETTER YET: take a vacation together (a week plus) that is the break it or make it for most relationships! You get to see eachother day and night and most habits start to show. Like I said 6 months is too early, he's way older and I'm sure he is in no mood to play house.

 

Goodluck to ya!

[Zapbasket]

Hey Touche and Halo,

 

Thanks for the comments. I've gotten similar advice re: having my own money and 6 months being an awfully short time for me to relocate to live in his house with him. Touche, what kind of flags go up for you when you hear this? What do you both fear might happen if I don't have money of my own?

 

I mean, believe me, what I feel most comfortable with would be if I waited until I was more financially secure to make a move like this. But it will take me a long while to be financially secure. I thought my 'poverty' would be a pretty silly reason to end a promising relationship and besides, I have issues with accepting help, financial and otherwise, adn this seemed like a good way to tackle those issues. Trying a different tack than I'm accustomed to, so to speak. I met this man earlier than I'd 'wanted' to as I was still pretty shaky from the demise of my previous long-term (5 years) relationship in the beginning of '07. I've told myself that you just can't control when you meet someone and it's rarely when you think you're 'ready.'

 

I ask about having my own money because once I'm there I can either look for a job in an industry that is super-lucrative but will require a lot of time in the office...or I can help my boyfriend develop his fledgling business which, if it succeeds, could make a LOT of money, and either way could enable us to spend more time together. As it is, his work as a professor gives him a lot of time flexibility that I won't have in a high-paying job in marketing or advertising.

 

I don't *think* he's a controlling person but given I saw my mother in a position with my step-father where he used money to manipulate both her and me (he was very rich and she was not at all), I won't tolerate a situation that smacks of those dynamics. I'd split the first instance of his holding money over my head.

 

Sorry for the long post. I'm just going into this not in the financial position I'd like to be in, but I also don't want to undermine the relationship with mistrust. He never wavered on wanting me to live with him--don't I owe it to both of us to trust his sincerity and willingness to make it something that is comfortable for BOTH of us?

[Touche]

, but I also don't want to undermine the relationship with mistrust. He never wavered on wanting me to live with him--don't I owe it to both of us to trust his sincerity and willingness to make it something that is comfortable for BOTH of us?

 

Yes, of course. But at whose expense? I really don't think you should do this without having some money of your own. You've seen first hand what can happen in this situation with your mother. It's exactly what I was trying to warn you about.

 

Sure you can have trust. But blind trust is not a smart thing.

 

And you didn't answer the question about whether this has been a long distance relationship from the start or not. I'd like to know that to best be able to advise you.

 

But even without that info, I think this is just not a good idea. What if it doesn't work out? You'll be stuck in a strange place with no money. Don't put yourself in that position.

 

How about lining up a job or interviews before you go? I don't know.

 

You ask what kinds of flags go up. I've already said. I fear he will dominate you and hold the money/support over your head. And I fear that it won't work out and you will be left destitute and desperate. I would never want to put myself in such a vulnerable position.

 

But I'd still like to know the status of this relationship. Have you ever lived in the same place or has it been LD from day one? How did you meet?

[Lyssa]

What do you both fear might happen if I don't have money of my own?

 

Hi GC. My SO is now here with me - staying with me until I sort my things then we'll go back to his country and start a new life.

 

It's important that you have money of your own so that IF anything happens, you have your own money to fall back on. No woman should be financially dependent on a man. Apart from a joint bank account, I have my own account and purchased a house of my own over there. Like I said, if anything happens - I'm all covered.

[kivabeach]

At this time two weeks from now, I will be ensconced 2000 miles away in my new home: my boyfriend's house. I've never lived with a boyfriend before. So I decided to start this thread to solicit input and discussion from and among people with more cohabitation / relationship experience than I have. What's are things you wish people had told you about living with your significant other the first time you did it? What are the biggest challenges to living together, in your experience? How do you handle things like inequality in incomes, difference in career stage, age difference, accommodating friends, keeping the relationship fresh, keeping the sex fun and frequent, sharing responsibilities, balancing alone time vs. together time?

 

In my case, I've known my boyfriend for 6 months and he's 49 and I'm 31. I'd love to hear stories, advice, musings on what you'd do differently if you've experienced a breakup that you feel owed largely to problems living together, etc.

 

 

Wow...we are so much alike it is scary!!!

 

Currently, I have a LDR with my man. he lives about 300 miles away, but we do share an apartment when he is in town which is about every weekend (plus monday and tuesday). He is 60 and i am 31. He makes a ton more money than i do and is very much successful in his career while i am just about to begin grad school. He is fully supporting me right now as I get ready to beging school.

 

As far as living together...all i can say is you have to be patient with each other. My man and I get a long great. We try not to nag each other (he does a much better job than i do). For example, I am a very clean person and like things almost anally clean. He left this morning to go back to his town, and I see he left his newspapers all over the place, his martini glass is on the counter, dirty with olives still in it. His dirty clothes are all over the bedroom. So instead of nag him about it, I just accept it. If it bothers me and not him, well, i just take care of it myself. I'll mention it to him, and he'll try and be respectful, but sometimes it just doesn't always work that way. NAGGING is bad so try really hard not to when you find that your living habits differ slightly.

 

As far as career and financial inequality, my man believes in me, and knows that while he is very much settled that i am going through that "what am i doing with my life" phase and so i'm struggling. He is very supportive and understands how tough life feels for me.

 

The age difference has been hard at times, but we get through it. My friends get him, and are open to him while I think his are more weary....like I'm with him for his money, otherwise what on earth would a 31 year old want from a 60 year old sort of a thing. Friends are a tough spot for us because we really dont have any that can truly relate to us. I'd love to know where you are moving to. its not the Bay Area in California by chance?

 

Balancing alone time is easy for us now because we are in a LDR, so no problems there...other than the need to spend more time together. As in any realtionship, keeping things fresh and sex exciting is something you just have to work at. Sex has dwindled a bit for us, but we are bith pretty happy with the way it is. No more 3x a day, more like 2x a week, but we like it. Keeping it fresh...dont take everything so serioulsy, do fun things, keep your youth about you. We've gone skydiving, jetskiing, travelling, to keep it exciting, but even just taking a romantic walk to get out of the house is good. We try to see a lot of theater or music, or go out to dinner a lot. We feed ducks, get up early to watch the sunrise, etc...

 

anyway, I'm not sure you will find this helpful, but i hope you do. Good luck! and if you are in the Bay area, we should connect!!!

[Lyssa]

Wanted to add that like you GC, this is my first time living with a BF.

[Touche]

I thought my 'poverty' would be a pretty silly reason to end a promising relationship and besides, I have issues with accepting help, financial and otherwise, adn this seemed like a good way to tackle those issues. Trying a different tack than I'm accustomed to, so to speak

 

Also, can you explain the above? I don't quite understand. What do you mean "this seemed like a good way to tackle those issues."

 

You mean moving in with a man who lives 2000 miles away is your new approach to tackling your lack of financial security?

 

I hope I got that wrong because if that's the case, that's about the worst reason I can think of for moving in with a man.

[Lyssa]

I ask about having my own money because once I'm there I can either look for a job in an industry that is super-lucrative

 

Don't you think it's much better to get a job before you move there? It's not easy to get a job nowadays (anywhere around the world, I think). I wouldn't move away if I don't have an offer letter in hand.

[Trialbyfire]

GC, regardless how strong and independent you are as a person, if you're financially trapped, you'll find yourself turning a blind eye to red flags just to keep the peace. We're all human, thus survivors.

[Zapbasket]

Yes, of course. But at whose expense? I really don't think you should do this without having some money of your own. You've seen first hand what can happen in this situation with your mother. It's exactly what I was trying to warn you about.

 

Sure you can have trust. But blind trust is not a smart thing.

 

And you didn't answer the question about whether this has been a long distance relationship from the start or not. I'd like to know that to best be able to advise you.

 

But even without that info, I think this is just not a good idea. What if it doesn't work out? You'll be stuck in a strange place with no money. Don't put yourself in that position.

 

How about lining up a job or interviews before you go? I don't know.

 

You ask what kinds of flags go up. I've already said. I fear he will dominate you and hold the money/support over your head. And I fear that it won't work out and you will be left destitute and desperate. I would never want to put myself in such a vulnerable position.

 

But I'd still like to know the status of this relationship. Have you ever lived in the same place or has it been LD from day one? How did you meet?

 

Well..."no money" is relative. I have a CD that I can draw from to tide me over until I found work. I don't think I'd end up destitute. My family would help me if it got to that point. I won't make choices that would leave me unable to earn an income; in fact, the place I'm freelancing now is going to have me working remotely through August on projects.

 

We met at an academic conference in NYC. I have met his closest friends and felt satisfied that they are of good character. I felt good around them. We've seen each other both in CO and NYC each month for 1 week each and we've gone on a 3-day trip to Wash DC together. He's coming this Friday to help me move and meet my mother and my friends and see my mom's house, where I grew up.

 

He's talked to several of his friends, who hold prominent positions, about helping me find a job.

[Touche]

Ok, well good luck to you and proceed with caution.

[Star Gazer]

My biggest piece of advice here is to make sure you have your OWN money. Don't leave yourself vulnerable.

 

So that's my one piece of advice. Have your own money. Don't put yourself in too vulnerable position. And if he starts lording over the difference in income, head for the hills. It will be all downhill from there.

 

I totally agree.

 

And when I say don't leave yourself vulnerable, always have enough money so that if something happens - you need to move out, for example - you'll be able to do it on your own without relying on anyone else.

 

I lived with a BF once in a fancy apartment in Beverly Hills. When we split, I "got" to keep the apartment, but quickly found myself unable to afford the place on my own.

 

Similarly, a friend of mine's BF just broke up with her after 4 years and she had to leave. She can't afford a place of her own, and is now living out of her suitcase.

 

Don't ever allow yourself to even potentially be in that situation.

[Zapbasket]

lol Touche, by that do you mean it sounds a bit better now that I clarified some things about my, and our, situation? (Or that you throw up your hands? ) I put that goofy icon there but I'm a little apprehensive...

[Star Gazer]

He is 60 and i am 31. He makes a ton more money than i do and is very much successful in his career while i am just about to begin grad school. He is fully supporting me right now as I get ready to beging school.

 

OMG, wow. I hope you don't find this offensive, but what do you two have in common? Are you sure you're not using this man?

[Zapbasket]

I totally agree.

 

And when I say don't leave yourself vulnerable, always have enough money so that if something happens - you need to move out, for example - you'll be able to do it on your own without relying on anyone else.

 

I lived with a BF once in a fancy apartment in Beverly Hills. When we split, I "got" to keep the apartment, but quickly found myself unable to afford the place on my own.

 

Similarly, a friend of mine's BF just broke up with her after 4 years and she had to leave. She can't afford a place of her own, and is now living out of her suitcase.

 

Don't ever allow yourself to even potentially be in that situation.

 

Thanks SG. You're absolutely right. My intent is not to touch that CD if I can help it, as I opened it a while ago for emergency purposes, with the aim never to touch it if I could help it and make it double. The interest rate is super and it's a perfect "emergency" CD because I can draw from it at any time with no penalty.

 

It will suck if things don't work out, but as it was I was going to have to move out of my place here in NYC as the rent was too steep. The only hope was, basically, going into finance. I'd even done all the research, networked with a ton of folks, and were I staying here that was going to be my next move. I do hate not being more financially well-off.

[Touche]

lol Touche, by that do you mean it sounds a bit better now that I clarified some things about my, and our, situation? (Or that you throw up your hands? ) I put that goofy icon there but I'm a little apprehensive...

 

No, I meant it. It sounds a little better in that if it doesn't work out you're not left destitute. That was my main concern for you.

 

Having said that, I don't want to be negative or put a damper on things but I don't give this very good odds. Something's not feeling right to me about it.

 

Has he ever had other relationships with this age disparity.

 

All I know is when I got out of that one, I said "Never again." I mean all of our issues weren't only because of the age difference but I do blame a lot of it on that fact. He wanted a submissive, young and naive girl and that's what he got. Once I was a little older and started questioning him and gaining confidence and "finding my voice" things started to deteriorate.

 

I worry that you're not equals. Is their a father/daughter element here?

 

The thing is that this might not be readily apparent to you now as you're in the "honeymoon phase." That's why I said proceed with caution.

 

Keep your eyes open.

 

Think about his past history. It can be telling.

[Zapbasket]

GC, regardless how strong and independent you are as a person, if you're financially trapped, you'll find yourself turning a blind eye to red flags just to keep the peace. We're all human, thus survivors.

 

You make a good point, TBF. While *trying* not to over-analyze, I've nevertheless got my mental 'character calculators' working hard for me as I don't want to get too involved for too long if his character isn't strong enough for me. I have been very assertive in the relationship so far, and I do expect to feel a bit cowed once I move, as I'll be far from my support network, but I'm hoping my determination NOT to waste any more time with not-up-to-par men if I can help it will keep my radar going strong, so I can split if the situation proves to be untenable.

 

Thank you for this. I'm going to file your comment away to use it if I find myself about to accept circumstances that are unacceptable.

 

I think I'll know pretty clearly what's what afte rthe 2-3 month mark.