Son's Girlfriend and He Are Destroying Our Family

[whichwayisup]

Wow, I feel for you and honestly, reading how he is treating you, blowing you off, disrespecting you - YOU of all people - Is just so so SO wrong..And one day he WILL regret treating you this poorly.

 

I know it hurts, but this is his choice, to be with that girl. They aren't good together, though neither want to see that right now. I say, back off more, leave him be. You know he'll come back eventually and need you in his life. And when that happens, love him, hold him but also tell him that you won't put up with his behaviour in the future if he ever tries to pull this on you again.

 

This girl and her family don't compare. Keep that in mind! Blood is thicker than water, always!

[suzyq83]

Thank you whichwayisup -- the girl's mother said blood is thicker than water to me too, but sometimes I don't know if that is true any more. I am afraid I guess that he will just continue to get worse and it has been like watching someone become an entirely different person and imagining it is "adult" to be this way. No, they are not good together, at all -- they both bring out the worst in eachother in lots of ways -- her parents never saw it, and always thought they "fed" on eachother in a healthy way, until I started telling them about the downside of their "feed" habit. Anyway, I will stay far away from it and wait til they burn it all out someday. It has been a year and a half. The girl has been that way toward me from the very start, and all she did was teach my son to be that way to me as well.

 

It is pretty appalling, all in all.

[whichwayisup]

It is! And sadly, if he continues to be on this path, don't blame yourself for his behaviour, his choices and his actions..Those are his to own and one day he'll regret distancing himself from you and the rest of the family. All you can do is hope that one day he'll wake up..

[suzyq83]

I went and frustrated myself again today, went to his workplace to see him. He ignored me for a long time while waiting on a cust whereas before he would always smile and say hi. I waited and waited. When he was done with cust, he still ignored me completely. I walked over and said could I talk with you for a minute? I have to go to work. He told me I don't like him. This is what his gf has told him all year and a half. I told him that isn't true, and that I don't like when he is mean, told him I love him more than anyone in the world ever has and will and told him to please not tell me that I don't like him. I asked him why he does not care about seeing his grandfather, my Dad. He said he does.....but.....no answer. Since he has been with this girl he hasn't come to see his grandfather once, in a ayear and a half, the girl months ago told me we don't need you to go meet your relatives, we can go ourselves. My son knows this would not go over well with our family or larger family.. But hasn't come, when I tried to organize a trip 2 months ago for his gf to come with us to meet my relatives, my son's larger family, which she has complained about not having met. But my son dropped the ball on going 2 months ago and this is the first time I had the chance to ask him about it. He told me he stopped communicating with me because "all this static was coming from (me)" when I tried to speak with him by phone and he wouldn't speak by phone about the trip to see my father. I am called "static." These are words his gf has dubbed me with and which my son now repeats and it is how I am thought of. I asked if he is going to go all summer without speaking or seeing me -- he said no. I said then let's put this all down, and just make a time to see eachother. He wouldn't come up with one. I asked him, so are you just not going to name a time, are you just going to NOT? He said, yes, I think I am not going to. I asked does everything have to be about control. and all that? He said "I'm not doing this" -- which is commonly what he and his gf say to me all the time any way. He walked over to near a co-worker. Co-worker laughed and said "at least he is honest." I said to her, it is really painful, the way this is. And she stopped laughing and got busy. My son stood there and said things that I "point fingers" I said I have never heard that term before this year when he got with his gf -- and to say that I do this or that or that I don't like him etc. I told him, I am not going to use another person's language and thoughts in talking with you and that's been the whole problem all along and -- they aren't even YOUR words, this was all whispered with eachother and I told him an acquaintance of his had a gf who was terrible to his mom too, and that his acquaintance became awful to his mom as well while his gf wa being awful to his mom, and I told him IT HAPPENS, and not just to you, so just put it down and just understand that, this stuff happens, and mothers don't go GET relationships for their sons that will be anti-the-mother, KIDS go get the relationships and I'm sure your acquaintance didn't plan it would turn out that way between his gf and mom, and I am sure you didn't either but IT HAPPENS. He seemed stunnded at the thought, and it was good to tell him someone he knows himself had the same scenario happening a year ago. Then he said for benefit of co-worker to me "see what I just missed?" as a cust had come in and another salesperson approached them. As tho it was my fault that he didn't go up to the cust. Trying to allude that it was my fault and also goofing on me for co-worker's benefit -- Then the ph rang, and he put his hand on it gleefully laughing that he was going ot pick it up to blow me off, and I said, go ahead and pick it up, and he did, and I left. I spoke to my son for less than 4 minutes. I have had 4 minute chances to speak with him just about all year.

 

My son has become a real actor, he has made it public, his and his gf's crap with me, all along. This today did not surprise me, that it was clear he was blowing me off in his workplace when he wasn't immed. busy. Whereas before he was always appropriate to me in his workplace until past few months. It is the only place I can go to see him ever -- as he won't open his apt door if I knock on it unless his brother is with me. Or I can go to his gf's parent's home and they will always open the door. But I do not do and have not done either of these things very often, in fact it makes me feel ill to have to go to someone else's house to see him or to his workplace. I asked him today, can you please just put all this down so that I don't have to come here to see you? He enjoys toying with me this way, for benefit of his co-workers, yet he looks dumb doing it, not me. And I don't know why he has lost ability to realize that acting stupid makes one look stupid, but he has lost that ability completely this past few months. Anyway, I should not have gone. All it accomplished was for me to feel frustrated and angry afterward. And I AM angry with him, for his stupidity, poor choices, and lower than Jerry Springer show level of behavior. You know, he is a nice kid, and a good kid, but sure has been terrible this year. I think it is his way of thinking men are or something with their mothers and it is reinforced by his gf. I asked him if he was trying to ruin the family. He said no, but I don't think I know how to believe that he isn't trying to because if he wasn't trying to then he would try a lot harder with me than he has been.

 

I cannot believe how much this has deteriorated since Feb. In Oct I took my kids on vacation. I don't even see how I could take my younger son on a vacation at this point in time with him acting the way he does, because it is just too lousy.

[vintagecat]

Oh geez mom... Why did you go to his workplace? What happened to letting go and not creating any more drama and letting your adult son work through whatever it is that he has to work through? Unfortunately you almost asked for this latest bit of disrespect. From the sounds of it, you are hounding your son. With good cause or not, it doesn't really matter at this point. You are also from the sounds of it making his girlfriend seem like the "better" alternative right now and with each and every ambush and emotional scene you dig the hole for yourself bigger and bigger tearing the fabric of your relationship wider than it already was torn making the situation harder to right in the future if it can be righted at this point at all.

 

You might be looking at a restraining order or some very serious unpleasantness if you can't back off and soon especially since it involves the workplace. Your presence and the fact that other co-workers were witness to the scene may threaten your son's employment. Take a guess at what would happen if your unannounced visits were the cause of him potentially losing his good job or what if his employers tell him to handle it, which they may have already? Never ever visit anyone's workplace without an invitation or an emergency in progress and no your family problems don't constitute an emergency for a workplace visit. For your own self respect, cut it out for mercy sakes!

 

Gather all of your self control and vow to not call him and don't show up at his home, his workplace or anywhere else you have any reason to believe that he might be with the possibility of "accidentally" running into him. Don't write letters, send telegrams, smoke signals, whatever. Do not contact him. Let him contact you. After this latest scene you pushed the time frame when he is likely to be willing to contact you further back than you would wish so get thee into counseling and not tomorrow, today. Sigh.

 

I know you aren't willing to hear this but you are bringing much of this on yourself at this point. While I feel for you, I think you are creating much of the drama by insisting on being heard (and fairly often going over the same old turf) and frankly that would tick me off seriously if I were your son.

 

Best of luck to you and get a grip mom before you lose your son altogether with or without this latest girlfriend.

[suzyq83]

Thank you for the kick in the butt -- my father is making out his will, he is almost 80, my younger son has blown off seeing him since he has been with this girl, I wanted to know, face to face, what is up with his not caring about seeing his grandfather. That is why I went. Plus, the workplace isn't like that -- everyone's family members go there to see workers, it is a confortable relaxed environment, my son was always glad when any of us showed up there til just yesterday. And I do have to go there any way to pay my own bill plus my employer's bills, so I do go there at least once a month, whether my son is working or not. I am a customer of the place. But no, there won't be any threat of any restraining order for going there. And he won't lose his job. His boss knows he has been giving me a hard time all year with his girlfriend, she has been told about it by my son. His boss thinks it is kind of humorous that my son is giving me such a hard time. ie. she thinks he is young ---, she does not think it is like a threat to his work or anything if I go there once a month. But I just get tired of no answers, and I was not trying to cause any drama. And I don't think that I did cause any drama. I think maybe you had to have been there -- my kids have always come to see me at my workplace once in a while. This is New England and pretty laid back. I don't know, but the workplace my son works at plus the one I work at really don't get rattled about any family members coming to see anyone, in fact they kind of think it is nice and his work place is a family oriented business. But all it did was frustrate me. Listen, never in my life, have I been cut 5 minutes here and there, to talk with anyone, until this year with my younger son. And that's the way it has been most of the year and it KILLS me. But it was not worth going, didn't accomplish anything but frustration. For me. You're right.

[suzyq83]

He has always said he does not mind if I call him there. All I know is everything was fine in June, and then I ran into him very drunk one night on a sidewalk, and since then he has been running and avoiding me like crazy. All I know is he blew off a trip to see my father, who he hasn't seen in a year and a half since he has been with this gf, and the gf was invited to come, in fact i was trying to HELP make sure she did come since she has complained so much about not meeting our lgr. family, which is located 250 mi. away. And so I went alone to see my father, it was all very discouraging. And all I know is that since then, my son has stopped communicating with me -- and I have not even had the chance to ask him why until yesterday. There are seats in his workplace for cust's to sit and wait. I wasn't like hounding him, in the past I have brought him lunch once in awhile there, just to be nice since all this began. It is not like I am regarded as a person who should not go there. If it was a problem I am sure his boss would speak to me. I used to work with her in another place years ago. I don't really think it is a problem for me to go there, but I asked him yest if he could start just restoring things so that this wasn't the only place I could go to see him. I really wasn't trying to be an idiot and I was being pleasant to him the whole while. He just has played a million contact games this year since his relationship -- and half of the ideas are his gf's anyway. It all is lousy.

[suzyq83]

There really are no great answers to this problem except to ride it out. What has worked in the past has been to not stop trying to see him or not stop communicating. Therapist advised calling him once a week. So even when he has not answered me, I have called once a week until this past month. This last month when he blew off seeing my father, his grandfather, I stopped trying to call my son because he was already not communicating. I left him alone and let go and prayed a lot. And now summer is almost over, we have always taken a trip to the coast in August -- And with this crap going on, I doubt we will, but I wanted to ask if the whole summer was going to go by this way, with his not speaking to me. He said no, that it wouldn't. It is all just dumb. And hard to understand.

The only reason I ever have called him at work is because he never answers his cell ph -- not even when his gf calls does he answer his cell. He just texts ppl. And sometimes, I do not enjoy taking the time to text, when I can just pick up a phone and call him. I have never gone to his job to be in his face or to be confrontational. In Feb I went there asking him to come please get his cat who he had left with me and had taken off on a vacation he had never told me or his brother about and had used me basically to sit his cat while he took off, I ended up with the cat for over 2 weeks and I was not too happy with that -- esp the secrecy of his vacation, etc, and not being ASKED if I would care for his cat during a vacation or for an extended period of time. His gf's parents knew they were on vacation and where they went -- but I wasn't told by my own son. I did not grovel and go ask her parents where my son was. Altho I did think of it. But this has all caused me a great deal of sadness and hurt, honestly. This has ALL been VERY uncharacteristic of my son, to be that way at all.

 

I started going to a counselor WITH him to communicate thru this last July and he didn't like her, so we went to a man in March, my son does not stay with therapy, but I have.

[vintagecat]

Then good luck to you. I simply think whatever the reason (no matter how compelling the purpose may seem to you) initiating contact without invitation or reciprocity will be viewed as wholly unwelcome (possibly to the point of being viewed as harassment) and will push your son farther and farther away from you. That end is definitely counterproductive to your stated goals of a reunion.

 

But I could be wrong, as you say, I'm not there. Pretty much my last words on this very sad subject.

[Mary3]

I think we have 3 struggles here :

 

What say Her ? The gf is a possessive twit who likes to rule your son. Let me guess she is pretty ? And your son is in love with her. ? Well he * thinks * its love but is more about a deeper low self esteem isssue he has and allows her to whip him into submission. The girl does not seem to value family. Or value her bfs mom , at all. You know love is blind. But this isn't love to me .

 

So the girl whispers and aligns her bf , your son , they are a Pact. He feels some sick closeness and the control part. She wants what she wants if that means excommunicating EVERYONE in his life to get complete control , well she HAS done that and now he is the whipped puppy.

 

What say He ? He, because of low self esteem , allows this Succubus to rule his life. You are officially the * enemy * The ONLY thing you can do , even if it kills you inside , is to BACK away. He is showing you no RESPECT. You are the laughing stock. DO NOT let anyone treat you this way. NOT EVEN your SON.

 

What say You ? You are the mom . Other than being very confused by this behavior I BELIEVE with all my being that you ARE a good mom. ! I know you have gone to his workplace. It may seem stalkerish to some but you HAD a previous good relationship with your son. If he were 13 right now I would say MOM you have your hands full. But he is an adult , Yes ? Should you have gone ? No. You should have waited til he walked to his car and confronted him about the grampa issue and all the other issues. Poster was right when you might in some small way jeopardize his job. I know you said you did not but for the future don't go to his job.

[littlekitty]

I agree that your son is treating you badly right now. However, I do not think your actions are helping. From your sons point of view he must feel trapped between two women trying to control him, and you are one of them!

 

You need to back off. You need to leave him alone to work this situation out himself. If you installed the values in him you say you have, eventually he will figure this all out himself and come out the other side having learnt valuable lessons - and hopefully with respect for you.

 

I'm not surprised he ignored you at work, or that he didn't give you a lift. While it's not right, from his point of view he's probably thinking 'Great, here's Mom ready to give me yet another earful about how I'm not doing what SHE wants me to'. No?

 

Forcing you son into therapy he doesn't want or feel he needs is not going to help. You need to cut contact with him and his GF's parents. Stop forcing your way into this situation hoping you can sort it out. Only he can do that - in his own time.

 

Perhaps he wanted to go out for drinks with his friends on his birthday? Just because you have always done one thing, perhaps he wanted to do something different at 21? You have to start respecting his own decisions regardless of how right or wrong you think they are. You have to believe that you did your role as a parent, that he will make his own mistakes, and that when the time is right he will come through the other side as the man you helped make him into.

 

Right now you are sounding controlling. You are pushing, pushing, pushing. I can not blame him for not responding to that.

 

You can not force him to continuing doing all the things you have 'always done'. He has a right to chose now. He is an adult. It appears that perhaps this is your sons first 'adult' and 'proper' relationship and that with him moving out of home, you are having trouble letting him go. Whilst this girl doesn't sound like someone you would want to let your son go to, if you don't let him live his own life right now, you are risking losing him forever.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly you need to take a different approach. Back off and leave him alone. The way he is treating you, ignoring you, is just cruel and crappy - Yet you DO know that he is being influenced by his girlfriend. Let him live his life.

 

He WILL call you eventually, especially if he sees that you aren't calling him or making any effort. You have no choice BUT to go on with your life. You have other kids to worry about, so think of it this way, your son is old enough to make his own choices, he now has to deal with consquences.

 

If he won't see his grandfather, that is HIS problem. HE will have to deal with the guilt one day...You can't force him or tell him to do something he doesn't want to do. The more you push, the more he'll turn the other way.

 

LittleKitty's post is exactly what you need to do..

I feel for you, the other kids and the rest of your family.

[littlekitty]

If he won't see his grandfather, that is HIS problem. HE will have to deal with the guilt one day...You can't force him or tell him to do something he doesn't want to do. The more you push, the more he'll turn the other way.

 

This is spot on. He will have to deal with this guilt one day. Perhaps that will be the thing that turns this around.

[suzyq83]

Thank you everyone. I am sorry, I am just so heartbroken. I keep trying to be patient and just have been told all thru this relationship he has, that I "don't accept anything" -- this was really the gf's beef coming thru my son about my not knowing how to accept her, who has been SO rude to me. So, I have tried to patiently, just accept, no matter what in hell he has been acting like. But, yes, I have been made laughingstock, or my kid tries to do that to me. I am secure enough to live thru that, but it still all isn't good to put myself thru that either. I really have let him have his own life. I have just wanted to stay part of his life, same as with my elder son. I expected it would be the same with both of them instead of all these monkey games in contact.

 

It was the WAY he moved out --that has caused the difficulty in letting go -- done behind my back, with his gf. AND her parents' helping him to. The dishonesty is what caused the rip. I have tried my best to repair it, it is why we were going to counseling to find out WHY he moved out that way. Alot of it was convinced by the gf to him, to do it that way. I have actually been a pretty big person to go talk to her parents about why they helped him move out behind my back, and to have forgiven them for it. But what would YOU have done with that? It was to drink, and to live up to how he thought his gf needed him to be, and it was because he did not take any time to talk to me about moving out at all. And that was over a year ago.

 

And when I have gone there alone to see him, he has been really erratic, trying to shove me around which is NEW and VERY concerning. HE KNOWS BETTER, but apparently not since he has been in whatever mindset he has been in. So I do not try to go to his place ever, unless his brother or his brother and his brother's gf and I all go together, because I know my son will just pull a not open the door trick or if he lets me in will lose it within 2 min and start trying to order me out and shoving me around. NOW WHAT IN HELL MAKES ANYONE ACT THAT WAY? This is NOT the true nature of my son. Is it alcohol? Is it ideas his gf gave him about "it's your life?" I have no idea but it HURTS.

The parents thing-- I was blamed all along for NOT knowing her parents by my son, so I finally went to know them. I was asked to go drop by their house at Xmas which I did not even want to do, because it seemed to inlaw-y icky to me, and our family hasn't ever gone to anyone else's home on Xmas day, so I was wondering why I was even doing that, I did it to please my son, but it just isn't my bag. And I was invited to her college graduation and went for that as well.

 

You are all right in various ways -- and in some, if you knew how it went and how my son is, you would understand better what I have been trying to do in keeping in touch with him, and how his head works these days -- but I cannot explain it in writing very well. It is the reason I have tried to see him, just to hang in there -- on some level he had feelings of rejection by his Dad not being around a lot during teen years and I don't think my kid can afford rejection from me. But I can't handle his rejection constantly of me. If you could have seen him even 2 months ago, if I went to his workplace,, he would always smile and hug me. Today suddenly it is a frosty arrogant different story partly put on for show - trying to seem manly or some damned thing. And the gf has promoted all along, that he can treat me any way he wants to, which is what set all of this really awful behavior toward me off.

 

Therapist feels that knowing her parents has been a good resource to develop but I don't ever bother them or contact them much even tho I could and would be welcomed to. It never goes anywhere any way because the gf has her parents fooled about how she really acts toward me, and if I were to say much about that it would only alienate both her and my son even more so I have been careful. I don't like feeling like I have to call some other mother to ask if she has seen or heard from my son. It infuriates me really to stoop to that.

 

The gf does have total control over his life, that is correct. Even to point where no old friends are friends of my son's any more. She was picking and choosing from the start -- mentioning a girl who was always one of my son's friends-- and I asked him, "you don't hang out with her any more" and his gf said "no, she has a different lifestyle than ours." My son is not living with this gf, and this is what she was saying right from the start, calling it "our life" -- and it was not what my son had in mind, at all, but stupidly let her plot and pick who would be in his life. Even his best friend can't stand my son's gf -- and backed away-- my son mentioned it to me some time ago and I said, listen, if you want his friendship, you need to give time to your friendship with him, without your girl there. And my son did, and managed to keep the friendship. His gf is very hard to enjoy, she has a ton of controlling behaviors. And my son's best friend said that on his own and also said my son cannot stay himself while with his gf, and hopes they break up soon. I was relieved that someone else validated what I knew myself already - that my son was not able to stay himself with her influence at all.

 

Anyhow, there is nothing I can do. You are right that I should have waited by his car, to ask about his grandfather. I will take all of your advice and not contact him -- I am VERY grateful for your support, all of you, I have to believe in what you are all saying to me. And thank you. But life will never be all right honestly until this is all resolved someday. We were so close, my son and I. It is like watching invasion of the body snatchers.

[Mary3]

If THIS helps at all : The girl is very very jealous of you. She wants to systematically destroy in a few months EVERYTHING you meant to your son . How do you rid someone of somebody you don't like ( ? ) , Do what she is doing ( I do'nt mean you DO it or did it ) its a rhetorical question actually.

 

Its like a cult . Like a scientology ( no offense to any scientologists here ) or some type of complete method of brainwashing. But to come to terms : If you SON is able to let someone completely take over his life like that, well then , he is weak ( don't throw anything at me ) I give you the truth.

 

Weak minded for some reason. Perhaps she drilled into his head : Your mother is a controlling hateful biatch and you have ALL the right to hate her for all the horrible things she did to you " Its like planting a seed of death. Like killing what you both had. ( have )

 

Your solution. I would go with the therapists. When I went through my divorce I told my kids NO MATTER what you ever hear , see or do , I will always love you. Just let it be known through a nice potted plant with a card attached. " I love you Bobby. I will let you work through all things. Just know that I care about you very much . Love Mom "

 

There is not much more you can do. Don't contact him . He mocks you through her. Love him . Give him the plant and go silent. Tell him you won't contact him while he works through this.

 

DO NOT put down his gf. He already is brainwashed that you are the enemy.

 

Act indifferent. Like in a few months invite your son and her to every event. He will decline most. Keep acting normal. Let the psycho girl do her damage. His best friend can't stand her ? Wow....okay its a waiting game now....

[suzyq83]

It IS like a cult. In fact I have even researched cult brainwashing techniques since my son got involved with this girl and her parents because it IS so cult like. Everything is "his choice" (to act badly to me, his choice to be with their daughter instead of ever seeng me, etc.). Everything is "no one can do anything because your son has free will." It is like yea, but your daughter is your daughter and you CAN do something about the way she treats me. They still have influence over her.

They are religious they say. They attend a church back where they moved from which is almost 2 hours away which is strange as well. I have even asked my son if they are in a cult.

 

Bottom line it is about addiction, The relationship is unhealthy, got him into alcohol and his addictions are to the relationship, probably to the sex as well, the addiction is also his relationship with her family who helps him do alcohol, and the addiction to alcohol. I ran into one of the therapists we saw last summer and she asked about how it was going. She said he is going to protect his addictions first and addictions take off fast in young ppl. She said alcohol anethesticizes (sp) the emotions,is why he seems so uncaring. She said not to personalize any of it because it is his stuff. I told her how he makes a joke out of me at his workplace. She said he is making a joke of himself. I told her I know but he makes it about me and believes it is about me. She said that is alcohol. I told her so much of this year has been about rejection rejection. I asked her if she thought he felt that way with his father and was acting it out. She said probably not, it is just his stuff. I asked her WHY he was so messed up. She said he has a lot of genetics stacked against him with the alcohol. She said you can't do anything right according to him right now and his relationship is sick with (his gf) and she has not been good for him, his addictions are making him sick now. I told her I know, but it is so terrible. She said it will be good if he gets in trouble with the law again, (he has had a dui) -- she said it will be the thing, getting in trouble again, that will make him realize he cannot drink and help him to start to get it together. She said, the police have more leverage than any one else with alcohol. I told her, I sure don't have any leverage with him, any influence any more. She nodded. I told her how his gf's parents helped him to drink and so they are the good parents and I am the bad parent because I did not help him to drink. She shook her head, because we both know that any parent who helps young ppl with high risk for alcoholism drink is not doing the young person any favors. I told her how the only way I can speak to him now is to go to his workplace -- how he won't answer his ph, won't text, won't let me in his apt when I have tried to go see him, and the few times he did let me in his apt he would flip out and start telling me to leave and start shoving me around. She was appalled- said his addictions are making him sick. I told her how he had used the words "you are not adhering, you are not complying with what I said" -- and she shook her head. I told her these are his girlfriend's words, they are nothing he ever would have come up with on his own, he never even knew the word adhering before meeting this girl.

 

So, you know..... it is just the way it is. Mary you are right on about a lot of it and his gf does systematically try to destroy everything, seems to delight in it actually. Her big thing lately is that she cannot get enough of him, and she tells everyone he is "addictive." An old friend of my son's told me this today. If my son is not careful he is going to end up with a pregnant girl and married hook, line and sinker in a wallow of alcoholism.

 

You are right Mary that my son is weak and I am ANGRY at him for being weak, acting weak, choosing weak things. Very disappointed in that. He knows better, but apparently not. This whole movie has been like watching my kid move out a year and a half ago and slide right straight into addictions, honestly. Alcoholism takes on a life of its own. I think I am watching that in living color. I do not think it is just "his own life." Something else has been running his bus the whole way thru it all. His gf has, for one thing and so does his desire to drink alcohol. It is like watching a freak version of my child walking around in the world. My son's personality has distinctly become altered.

 

His girlfriend contacted me to say her grandmother had died. I am sure that will keep my son busy for awhile, with her family. In the meantime it is a very rainy day and summer so far and all of this stuff has made for a very depressing summer for me. His gf said that due to his schedule he could not see his grandfather but she was sure it would happen (that all 3 of us would go to see (my father) sometime. I did not respond that i know his job is not that hard to get a day off from and it wasn't due to "schedule" that he could not go to see his grandfather but a lot of other stuff underneath it all such as stubborness, control issues and bs etc, nor did I respond with the fact that he doesn't willingly speak to me these days probably won't make for a trip happening to see his grandfather.......I just left it alone. Odd how my kid is not in touch with me but his gf is now.

 

I told the therapist that I just keep praying for an intervention to happen and one that he lives through. She agreed and said she hopes he will live through this too. She told me to keep taking care of myself. God I wish I could just wave a magic wand and have my son be OK again, honestly.

[Mary3]

I have a GREAT idea !

 

Before I give it to you. : Your sons gf is an enabler . She enables him to drink . Encourages him to drink. Her parents also know that he has a previous alcohol addiction ( I am assuming so because she likely tells them alot )

 

Your son is on his way to a rotted hole of death being with that girl. She NEEDS someone like your son and she FOUND him. As long as he stays distant with you , she can control him As long as he stays distant from his friends , she can CONTROL him.

 

He needs a DUI. One with injury to another person. He will go to felony level and go to prison. I know you would not like him there but it might be the one way to detox him from HER.

 

Listen your son is putting a bottle to his lips. He has a disease. He has an addiction. He has a few addictions actually...He will NEED to hit rock bottom. I want you to make a journal of everything you have seen , done , heard regarding ALL of this. Then lock the journal away. When your son comes out of combat you can read to him someday...

 

Now here is the plan of action : She TOOK your son away from you. By painstakingly deliberate moves , she robbed you of your son. She has him in her grips.

 

You want to NOW confuse her. Confuse the hell out of her. Make her feel like she is LOSING her mind. Do things directly to her. We can think of some but the thing is you want to take away her STRENGTH , have her question her own worth , value , power and control.

 

There are sneaky weirded out things you can do to make her say wtf ? The first one is GO SILENT. Now. Take a week or two away from them.

 

Then start your plan of attack. If you have to pretend she said something , do it !....she did something , do it ! involve her job if she has one. Send weird mails. make your son DISTRUST her . Tell him you saw her with a guy. Thats much later because you dont want him to say* Yea right and ignore you.

 

Send stuff to his place addressed to her from a GUY. Theres lots you can do.

 

This is NO different than how they desenstize cult victims. They remove the cause and work on the person. You cannot remove her as easily...

 

Your son also has some culpability in this. Some part says he deserves to feel pain for hurting you but he has a disease so your anger needs to be directed at Her.

[almost famous]

I disagree with Mary3's advice except for the no contact part. I don't think to hope for him to have another DUI is a good thing because the next time it could kill someone or very serious injuries and then he is in jail for a long time, not to mention taking the life of another person or seriously impairing them. If he is an alcoholic, maybe it might take a toll on his job and income and won't be making as many sales. Maybe that would be a better wakeup call.

 

I honestly think in time this relationship will break up. It sounds like this chick is already driving him nuts with constant texting and neediness and they are arguing constantly. He also has the reality that he doesn't want her to move in with him yet.

 

She is his first big relationship, I don't think it will last. Your best course of action is to just wait it out and have no contact. I know it is difficult having no contact with your son but the way he disrespects you and treats you, I believe that is the way to go and see how long he goes without contact.

[Citizen Erased]

Oh Lordy...

 

Don't listen to Mary's "Great advice". How immature. All it will succeed in doing is making you look like a crazy b!tch.

 

Just leave him alone. He is obviously content to continue on this path and any effort of yours will only make him less likely to get along with you. He will need you when this relationship falls to pieces and it would be best for all concerned if that bridge isn't burned by you trying to break them up.

 

Just have patience. She is not some psycho she-monster that is sucking the life out of him. She may be a controlling jealous mess, but that he will get sick of eventually and leave. Be patient. Make sure he knows you are there for him but don't push it. Any mistakes he makes, choices etc are his to make. You can't make them for him.

[Mary3]

My * advice * was in regards to making the gf doubt her control over her son...

 

The DUI was a reality check. The son is drinking on a regular basis now . The mom needs to understand he might get a DUI .

 

The severity of the DUI ( as said example and its consequences ) is a wake up call for the son to get help for his drinking.

[almost famous]

Oh yes, let's have him kill someone so he can have his reality check. Sounds like a great idea.

He already had a DUI.

[Mary3]

Oh yes, let's have him kill someone so he can have his reality check. Sounds like a great idea.

He already had a DUI.

 

The DUI was not meant to be taken in the literal sense.

 

How many times has he heard : " If you don't straighten with the drinking then this might happen , or that might happen " meaning if he is drinking everyday and driving, the odds of him getting pulled over are very high .

 

If he were speeding down a highway and his mom warned him to not drive so fast and eventually he got a ticket, then the odds caught up with him..

 

Thats what I meant by what I said.

[suzyq83]

Hi Everyone and thank you all for your help -- to clarify, my son does not have a prior alcohol addiction -- it is that since this relationship he seems to have seriously developed a drinking problem/addiction and did get a dui,. which we hoped would be a wake up call for him. It stopped him from driving while drinking but not from drinking. There is alcoholism on both sides of family, both my kids are at high genetic risk for alcoholism. I raised them not around alcohol and never had it in our home. The gilr knew I did not want him to get into alcohol and basically made sure to offer it to him, help him when drunk, started driving him home drunk, when he lived at home. This drinking was all new at that time. Now it has crossed a line into a daily event. I am told he and gf pop a few each day, and so yes, it has become part of his lifestyle, it appears daily. Most importantly, he acts uncharacteristically and does not act well or even with an iota of manners he always has had prior. Therapist said his addictions are making him sick. I believe her. Addictions are more than one, I am sure -- I am no expert and cannot diagnose what they might be, but the therapist's and my main concern for him is alcohol based on how terribly he has changed and swiftly, and also the concern is that his gf is a sick girl and not good for him, the relationship is not healthy for my son. yes, she IS an enabler to his drinking, absolutely and so are her parents. My son and his gf drink every day now!!

 

It is not that I would wish a dui/accident for him, it is that the therapist and I both believe it will take another brush with the law to wake him up from alcohol. Whether that is from walking down the sidewalk drunk and getting picked up for it, all I could say to that would be "good." Not because I want him to suffer, but because it would be a natural intervention, which I do believe he needs. Therapist does as well. She believes, from knowing him, that he is a really good kid and in trouble with alcohol and that if he gets in trouble again with the police, as he did with his dui, it will finally wake him up on alcohol. He does value his job and his reputation and etc. while it is sad to think my son would need more than one "lesson" about drinking, from the law, if that is what it takes to break through his inability to see how alcohol is messing him up, then that's OK> even tho it is heartbreaking for me to say it. And it has taken me a long time to get ok about any of it very well.

 

Main thing is that he stays alive, gets his head back on straight, get rid of alcohol , and does not harm or kill anyone else such as in a dui accident. My son was not a drinker before he met this girl. Yes, all ppl get exposed to it, he always had been since HS -- the girl and her parents basically taught him he is "fine" when he drinks, but he ISN'T. I am GRATEFUL he is not on something worse, such as coke or other drugs -- but alcohol IS a drug and in my son, it is bringing him way downhill and he cannot see it. His relationship has brought him way down and he cannot see it.

 

While it is tempting to think of doing things to help the girl doubt her control over him -- and I enjoyed reading those very much Mary, I also have been very honest with my son AND with his gf AND with her parents, the whole way thru altho the gf lies to me all the time. All I have found is that if she senses I want her out of his picture, she just digs in 100X harder, and screws my son's head around even more so it is a very tricky situation. I have bent over backwards to be genuinely nice to her in past recent months, as well, and just get run down by her to my son anyway.

I don't know any answers with her. But I do wish she would go away, for his sake, and I am scared for his sake, due to the mental changes due to drinking plus her thinking, and also scared for his sake for how addictive their relationship has been, and relationships like that never end normally, they usually get dragged out a long time and I can even picture her stalking him for years when they break up, it is the way she is. All I can say is we are dealing really with a very sick girl. And it all has just been plain hell. But I think I am going to just do nothing and remain silent and see what unfolds. My son IS putting the alcohol into his own system -- alcohol has a life of its own -- he subconsciously at least, chose this girl TO drink with AND chose her parents. If they disappeared he would likely find someone else to drink with until he decides alcohol is not worth what it is doing to him. In his eyes he is just doing what others his age are doing, and I believe that is the intent (and justification) but in my son, alcohol does not and I am sure never will, sit well. My older son went thru some drinking in college and scared himself with it, and does not drink. No one in our whole family really can drink, except one person, one of my brothers. None of us metabolize it well. My younger son does not metabolize it well and that will never change for him. the relationship has definitely advanced alcohol use for him. Big time.

[Last_Nerve]

Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they climb back up and see all the mistakes they have made. He is an adult and there isn't anything that you can do to change the situation. Your his mom and he will come back to you when he is scaping himself up off the floor because he knows his mom is always going to be there.

[Mary3]

I guess that was the word I would use : Intervention.

 

I lived with an alcoholic ( not sure if your son is considered one ) and the alcohol was chosen over everything. Still is to this day.

 

I guess the best thing is to listen to your therapist and know your son will come back to you someday .

 

Just continue to show him that you love him. As long as he knows that when the storm clears and she is out of his life then he can be with you again.